Hero School PLUS ULTRA!
by MangaWitch808
Summary: Get ready to laugh your ass off in this top-tier trash parody of MHA! Critics have acclaimed Hero School PLUS ULTRA as "so perfect, so troll". Follow the adventures of Green Boi, who will never have a day of peace as long as Explochan is in his class. Parody/Satire/Romance/Comedy. Lots of Swearing and Dirty Jokes. Baku/Deku. Some graphic violence. Don't take this too seriously.
1. Typical Day in Typical Japanese City

Today was a typical day in Typical Japanese City. A young, green-haired teenager ran through the streets at full speed, because he desperately needed to get to school on time. For the past three days, his commute—which should only be a 20-minute walk—was interrupted by supervillain nonsense.

Unfortunately, today was no different. As the kid ran toward the train station, he heard an earth-shaking BANG! A giant dude was throwing around a train. Pedestrians were groaning. One guy was calling his boss, "Hey, so, I'm gonna be late again because of a supervillain…"

Although the boy did enjoy a good show, it was annoying that he was always late for school. As he watched the battle, his mind drifted. He thought about the first time special abilities appeared in the world:

 _It was a glowing baby in Stereotypical Chinese City Name City. All of a sudden, humankind randomly evolved to have special abilities. It'd be no problem if their quirks were harmless, like the ability to eat ice cream without getting a brain freeze. But no, people were suddenly able to smash buildings, breathe fire, or create explosions._

 _A lot of people used their special abilities for evil. A shit ton of villains started popping up everywhere, destroying shit and causing trouble. Then a shit ton of heroes started appearing, and beat up the villains. And it's kind of been that way since. It's sad, actually, how violent the world has become. In history books, they say before the appearance of quirks, the world was a peaceful place._

 _I want to make the world a peaceful place again. That's why I want to be a hero._

 _But my quirk fucking sucks._

The boy was lost in his thoughts and didn't notice when a popular super hero appeared to save the day. He was startled back into reality when some fangirls screamed and cheered. Looking up, he exclaimed, "It's Into The Woods Guy!"

"I'm Into The Woods Guy!" shouted Into The Woods Guy as he created wood from his hands. "Wood Prism Powers!" His wood tentacles wrapped around the villain.

"Finally," the masses said, relieved that they could get to work, and that very little damage had been done to the infrastructure of the city. But they exhaled too soon, for yet another hero arrived on the scene. "No fear everyone, The Female Titan Lady is here to save the day!" shouted The Female Titan Lady as she drop-kicked the giant villain.

So a few buildings were destroyed, the road was obliterated, and a couple hundred people died. But, hey, she was really pretty and caught the villain, so all is well that ends well. At least that's what she said when Into The Woods Guy, reprimanded her. "No it didn't end well!" he yelled.

"Whatever!" She smiled for the fanboys and the television cameras. Into The Woods Guy sighed.

So did the teenage boy. He thought, _Heroes can be kind of dumb sometimes. They have these magnificent physical powers, and that's awesome, but all too often, they don't use their brains. It's as if they're too busy cultivating their quirks to focus on smarts. It's fine to use brute strength, but thinking can be a useful special ability too. Of course I'd believe that, though. Thinking is my special ability._

The boy's name was Precious Green Bean Child, but his friends called him Green Boi. His quirk was called Mutter Mutter. Basically he can think his way out of any situation. It wasn't a flashy quirk. Not at all.

"Unlike The Female Titan Lady," he said aloud, pulling his notebook out of his backpack and scribbling in it. "Dumb as shit, but has a great quirk." He glanced up and saw her skin-tight outfit. "Yeah. She'll be popular. Based on the statistics of superhero popularity, she ticks off all the necessary attributes. It's unfortunate, though, because she'll probably cause more harm than good. Do they just let anyone with a flashy special ability be a hero? And why is she handling incidents like this? Shouldn't she be reserved for things happening in open areas? And—"

Some random stranger saw him talking to himself and said, "I see that dopey grin. Hey, kid, are you a fanboy?"

"Uh, hehe," Green Boi replied. "Yeah."

"You wanna be a hero?"

"Yeah." He smiled. _A smart hero. One that doesn't rely on brute strength all the time._

 _…_

When Precious Green Bean Child was but a kindergartener, one of his friends, Angry Explodey Boi and his goons, Stretchy Fingers and Batwing Boi, were picking on a quirkless little kid. Green Boi felt it was unfair, and jumped in to defend the kid. "Hey, stop it Explochan! You're hurting him! If you don't stop, I'll stop you myself!"

Angry Explodey Boi chuckled, and cracked his knuckles, causing a mini-explosion in the palm of his hands. "What can you do, Green Boi? You don't have a super power."

At that time, Precious Green Bean Child didn't think he had a special ability. He thought that he'd eventually get his mom's telekinesis or his dad's fire breathing. He thought that maybe fighting his best friend would make the powers appear. So he too pounded his knuckle into his fist.

He got his ass whooped that day. And after that ass-whooping, he started to think. _People aren't all made the same are they? Maybe I shouldn't have fought him with my fists. Maybe I should have ducked and ran and tired him out. Yeah, I should have made him run, because I run faster than him, and if I had climbed on the jungle gym, he would have followed me, and I could have pushed him off. He would have hit his head and I would have won. So if I need to fight against Explochan then I need to out-think him._

Coincidentally, that was the day his quirk manifested. But it wasn't telekinesis or fire breathing.

It was thinking.

…

At school, everyone called him quirkless. _Because in this world, only cool quirks or quirks of brute physical strength are considered useful._

The teacher was talking about applying to high school hero programs. As usual, he was bragging about Explochan. "Mr. Explodey Boi has what it takes to go to Plus Ultra Academy High School. He aced the mock exams and his quirk is really flashy. On top of that, he has a bad attitude, so he'll be really popular. He's the 'problematic fav' archetype. The 'anti-hero', if you will."

Green Boi rolled his eyes. "Keep stroking his ego," he grumbled. That was the problem with his quirk. Sometimes he said stuff aloud that he actually meant to think.

"What was that, Mr. Bean Child?"

"Ahhhh! Nothing!" Green Boi quickly said.

The teacher scratched his head. "I thought you said something. Oh, yeah, don't you want to go to Plus Ultra Academy High School too, Mr. Bean Child?"

His classmates burst into laughter. Most of them had interesting special powers too. One girl could turn her hands into flames. One guy could make his skin into rock. One dumbass could stretch his eyeballs really far out of his head. That one was fucking useless, and Green Boi often wondered how the hell that kid even figured out that he could do it, but it was fun to look at, nonetheless. All of them had physical improvements to their body. Not Green Boi.

All he had was an advanced intellect. He was average height, average size, an all-around average shonen boy. He wasn't flashy at all.

Explodey Boi made sure to remind him of that constantly. "Listen up you fucking wannabe loser," he said, slamming his hand onto the desk where Green Boi was sitting. The explosion he created knocked Green Boi against the wall. "You really think they'd let someone like you in, when they can have someone like me?" Explodey Boi's hands were smoking.

Green Boi didn't want a fight. He knew good and well that he simply did not have the strength to defeat Explodey. "Hey, look, I'm not trying to compete against you!" Green Boi said, backing up against the wall. "It's just that I've wanted to be a hero since I was little. You know that. I may not have a powerful quirk, but I can still—"

"You'd never be able to hang out with the best of the best!" Explodey Boi's hands were sizzling. "You'd die in the entrance exams for Plus Ultra High!"

Green Boi lowered his head. He was smart enough to know that. He knew that he didn't stand a chance, physically, against all these super humans. But he also knew that he was smart enough to overcome almost any situation. He could do it. He could do it if just given the chance.

Explodey Boi snickered. "You might as well call yourself a quirkless bastard. Go eat ass, punk."

His classmates burst into laughter again as Green Boi cowered in the corner, struggling not to cry.

…

At the end of the day, Precious Green was looking at his phone, reading articles about the fight between The Female Titan Lady and the villain this morning. "I'd better write this shit down," he said to himself as he pulled out his notebook. Unfortunately, Explodey and two of his goons approached him. Swiping his notebook, Explodey said to Green Boi, "You goodamn nerd. What do you think you're doing?"

"What's that? His diary?" said Goon 1.

"He's taking notes on how to be a hero? How pathetic!" said Goon 2.

 _Fuck you guys,_ Green thought. Aloud, he said, "Give it back!" He had spent months scribbling and sketching in that journal. It was really important to him.

But Explodey clapped it in his hands and singed it. Then he tossed it out of the window.

"AHHHHH!" Green screamed.

"Look, you damn nerd, heroes are people who've shown potential from a young age. Heroes are people like me. And when I'm the only one from Shitty Middle School to go to Plus Ultra Academy High School, people will recognize my greatness. Understand? So do me a favor, and don't even apply. Got it?" He pressed the palm of his hand against Green Boi's shoulder and burnt it.

 _Fuck you Explochan._ But Green Boi didn't say it aloud. The Goons laughed. "He doesn't even have a bit of fight in him," said number one.

Number two added, "Cuz he doesn't want to get his ass whooped. He knows he can't really be a hero."

As Explodey and the Goons walked away, Explodey paused to say one last thing, "You know, if you want to be a hero, there's one thing you can do. You can take a swan dive off the roof of the school and pray that you have a better quirk in your next life." He chuckled and concluded, "Go eat ass, punk." The three of them left.

Green Boi sniffled a little. If only his Mutter Mutter quirk came with just a bit of physical boost, he'd put Explodey Boi in his place. "You go eat ass, punk," he grumbled. He walked out of the building to retrieve his notebook, and said to himself, "You can't just go tell people to kill themselves Explochan. I know he's only looking out for me, but, shit... What if I did jump? I should play a prank on him and do it. That'd scare him shitless." He chuckled. "How could I do it? Hm, I'd ask someone with a telekinesis quirk to catch me and I'd go up to the roof and…" He shook his head. "He wouldn't fall for it. He knows me too well."

Greenie saw his notebook in the koi pond. He stared at it. "Explochan doesn't want me to hurt myself being a hero. That's why he's giving me so much shit. He'd rather bully me out of my dreams than watch me fail to reach them. Or worse, actually die trying to become a hero. He's saying that if I have a death wish, it'd be easier for me to jump off the roof than to die fighting a villain. He's not poetic, but he means well… I think…" He picked up his notebook and shook it. "It's ruined. The ink bled… Well if it dries, maybe I can save it."

He kept walking. He didn't really know where he was going. His legs just carried him forward as he thumbed through the water-logged pages of his notebook. "I mean, what kind of hero would I be anyway? But I want to be one. I want to be a hero so bad."

"You wanna be a hero, kid?"

"Huh? Who said that?"

A green sludge monster shot out from the man-hole cover beneath him. In a second, Green Boi was enveloped in its slippery, oozing body.

Panic. Green Boi panicked as he tried to pry the villain off of him. Clawing at the Ooze Dude felt like clawing at water. He couldn't get a grip. Meanwhile, the Ooze was choking him, pouring into his mouth like a long, long chug of soda. It fizzled and burned his throat and his nose. "Look kid, just let me have your body," Ooze said. "I'll make good use of it."

Green Boi was struggling. He thrashed and thrashed and reached out his hand hoping that someone would appear and grab him. He couldn't even cry for help.

 _Can I think my way out of this? No, it's too late for that. I panicked. I struggled. I wasted my oxygen supply. What I should have done was calmed down and held my breath and relaxed so he thought I was knocked out, and when he let his guard down, broke free and run. But what if he caught me again? Then I'd be in the same situation._

 _Maybe being a hero is impossible without a fancy super power or brute strength. But why am I worried about that now? I'm about to die. I'm seriously about to die. This is a pathetic way to die. I wanted to be a hero, yet here I am, being drowned by a villain. What are they gonna tell my mom?_ He started to cry. _My mom's gonna have to bury me. No! No! This can't be the end! Someone! Someone! HELP!_

As Green Boi started to lose consciousness, he thought he saw the silhouette of someone coming to save him. He closed his eyes and felt his body go limp.


	2. Typical Day in Typical Japanese City II

Green Boi awoke to the feeling of someone tapping his cheek repeatedly. "Hey! Wake up!" shouted a gruff, bold, manly voice. Green Boi opened his eyes.

He opened his eyes wide.

He scuttled back.

He gasped.

He was dumbstruck.

It was the most popular super epic plus ultra-hero in the world. His muscular form was so toned and powerful that light itself was afraid of him. Therefore, his body was always halfway in shadow. He spoke proudly as he apologized, "Sorry, I didn't mean to let the villain get you. Are you alright?"

Green Boi stood up and pointed. "Y-y-y-y-you're the Defender of Justice, the Symbol of Peace, the son of god! You're All American Blonde Superman!"

"Yes I am!"

Green Boi flailed his arms. "Autograph! I NEED YOUR AUTOGRAPH!" He looked around and saw his notebook on the floor. "Please, sign my notebook!" He tried to find the least water-damaged page. And he did find it—only to see that All American Blonde Superman had already signed it. "Holy fucking shit! Thank you! Thank you!" He bowed repeatedly.

"You're welcome, young sir. Welp, I've got to get this villain to the police." He displayed the bottle of soda that he had used to encapsulate the villain. "I bid you farewell!" And Blonde Superman squatted down, as if about to leap halfway across Japan.

"WAAIAIIHT!" screamed Precious Green. "Wait! I have so many questions!"

"I really don't have time for that, young sir. Heroes are fighting time as well as enemies. I must be off." He leapt into the air. "Thank you for your support!"

As he zoomed across the skyline, All American Blonde Superman felt something was amiss. His leg seemed a bit heavier than usual. He turned around. He saw the kid clinging on for dear life. "WHOA THERE! Where do you think you're going?"

"OH SHIT I WASN'T THINKING! I'M GONNA DIE! I'M GONNA DIE IF I FALL!"

With a sigh, Blonde Superman looked for a building to land on. After prying the crying Green Bean off of his leg, All American asked him, "What were you thinking?"

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

"Look, I have to go. So if you knock on that door over there," he pointed to a roof door, "someone will let you in. Alright, I'm off—"

"WAIT!"

"What." Blonde Superman's patience was wearing thin.

"Can someone be a hero without a flashy quirk?"

"…Huh?"

"Because I want to be a hero," Green Boi said, taking a step closer, reaching out his hand toward the Sparkling Ultra Shiny Hero of Justice. "I want to be like you. Like Into The Woods Man, like The Female Titan Lady, like Explochan. I want…" He tightened his hands into fists. "I have to know!" He shut his eyes tight. "I'm just a kid with heightened intelligence. Could I ever hope to be someone like you?"

A pause from Blonde Superman. "Without a flashy quirk?"

"Yeah. People think I don't have a chance. They think that not having fancy powers makes me some sort of weakling. My classmates make fun of me. But that only makes me want to prove them wrong. I want to be the kind of hero that saves people with a smile, and doesn't destroy the entire city while doing it. I want to be an efficient hero, a symbol of peace, just like you!"

Green Boi remembered the first time he had ever heard of All American Blonde Superman. For some reason, an entire fucking city was on fire, and people were dying left and right. (It was actually a very gruesome video, and Precious Green Bean Child often wondered why his mom had let him watch it in the first place.) Tons of heroes were trying to rescue survivors. They were all being horribly inefficient about it, with each hero rushing into flaming buildings to try to pull out survivors. Although he was just a kindergartener, even Green Boi knew that the best way to save everyone would be to smother the fire first.

And that's exactly what All American Blonde Superman did. He blew out the fire with his Mega Breath of Justice. And he carried people ten at a time to safety. Blonde Superman combined both brains and brawn to save the day. Green Boi wanted to know if he could do the same with only the first half of that equation.

All American Blonde Superman was silent. So Green Boi opened his eyes. Sitting in front of him was a withered old man. Green Boi jumped back, and exclaimed, "Who are you?"

After a fit of coughing, the withered old man said, "Can't you tell? It's me."

"All American Blonde Superman?"

"Yes. The one and only." He sighed and coughed a little more. Blood trickled down the side of his dry lips. "This is my true form."

"Usually when people say that, they get stronger, not weaker."

"Whatever kid. Look, you wanna know the truth? Wanna know what I think?" He lifted up his t-shirt. Green Boi backed up and fell to the ground at the sight of Blonde Superman's twisted, gnarled torso. "This is what I think."

"What is that?"

"I was fighting a guy about five years ago. He did this to me. He destroyed one of my lungs, my stomach, my spleen, parts of my large and my small intestines, and a section of my liver. I'm running on fumes, kid. I can only transform into my muscle form for about three hours a day."

"What the fuck?"

"Yeah, it's a fucked up world. There are villains out there powerful enough to do this to All American Blonde Superman. So what makes you think that you can be a symbol of peace without a fancy special ability?"

Green Boi shook his head, cringing at the hardened, scarred wound.

"I hate to break it to you, kid, but this isn't Death Note or Yu-Gi-Oh. You can't get too far with just smarts alone. It's great to have smarts. It'll get you out of seemingly impossible situations. But you gotta have the muscle to back it up. Sometimes all you need is brute strength, the power of friendship, and a strong belief in yourself, to defeat your enemies—and a high tolerance for pain. Can't forget that." Blonde Superman stood up. "So you need to be realistic. You can't be a hero without cool super powers. You just can't. It's impossible."

"Oh…"

"I'd say give up, kid."

"Okay…"

"Let's keep this a secret between us, alright? People would freak out if they knew that All American Blonde Superman was just a shell of his former self. Got it?"

"Okay…" So Green Boi, devastated, proceeded to the roof door and walked away.

Blonde Superman sighed, said, "Well, I should get to the police station," and reached into his pocket for the soda bottle filled with Evil Ooze Dude.

It wasn't there.

"Fuck me…" he swore.

As if to emphasize the fact that he'd fucked up, he heard and saw an explosion in the distance. He groaned.

Green Boi too saw the explosion as he walked down the street. He glanced toward the source of the smoke and noise. He sighed. "No use going there. What am I gonna do?" Yet he began to walk toward the commotion, while staring at his notebook. It was still a little wet, and the ink had bled all over, but he could salvage some of it. He'd have to rewrite most of it. "Stupid fucking Explochan," he complained. He bumped into someone. He looked up.

A crowd had gathered around the source of the explosions. _You'd think people would be worried about their safety and not stand around to watch a—that's the guy that attacked me!_ Green Boi pushed aside the bystanders to get a better look. Yup, that was definitely the villain that had tried to kill him. He gulped, and held his throat. The shock of meeting the Super Ultra Great Delicious Wonderful Blonde Superman had pushed aside the painful feeling of almost being killed by Ooze Dude. Seeing the villain again resurfaced those feelings of despair and panic.

He backed away. _But how? Didn't Blonde Superman trap him in a bottle? How'd he… Oh shit. He put it in his pocket. It must have dropped when I jumped onto his leg. Oh shit. Oh shit. This is my fault._ He ran his hands through his hair. _This shit is my fault!_

Someone screamed, "Look! He has a kid as his hostage!"

Another person screamed, "The kid's fighting back so hard! He keeps exploding!"

Green Boi whipped his head and craned his neck to see beyond the crowds. _Please don't be Explochan. Please don't be Explochan. Please don't be…_

There was another explosion, one so powerful that it, just for a second, blasted the Ooze Dude off of the kid. Green Boi saw the kid's face. _FUCKING EXPLOCHAN! I knew it! I knew it! How the hell did he get himself in this situation? Well probably the same way I got myself in that situation._ He looked at Explodey Boi's face again. Explochan's eyes were wild. He was terrified.

Green Boi knew exactly how that felt. He covered his mouth and fought back tears. _Where's Blonde Superman? Oh no. He's weak right now. Oh no. This is bad. This is bad. This is bad. Someone else has to help._

He looked around. He saw several heroes at the scene. There was Into The Woods Man. He was standing back, hesitant, because fire and wood are only a good combination in the fireplace on a snowy winter day. Then there was Firefighter Gas Mask Guy, who was too busy fighting the flames running rampant in the city. Then there was Strong Arm Guy and Some Other Disposable Hero Number 1, who were just standing around, because they couldn't figure out how to fight this Ooze dude. Worst of all was The Female Titan Lady, who was stuck in an alley, saying, "I can't get to the scene of the crime! I need a two-lane road!"

 _Then turn off your fucking quirk, get small, get into the battle area, and become big again, you stupid fucking idiot! And stupid fucking Explochan, he's making it harder for the heroes to help him! Why is he doing this? Stop exploding everywhere! You're causing damage to the city too! What the hell is wrong with you? Think! Think for once in your life! Think! Of course he can't think! He's panicking! But focus Explochan! There's got to be something you can do! There's got to be something._

Precious Green Bean Child squeezed his eyes tight. When he was in the clutches of that Ooze Dude, the one thing he wanted most was for someone to grab him and pull him out. _Of course! If no one can pull the ooze off of him, then pull him out of the ooze!_

And he sprang into action. He sprinted toward Ooze Dude, spun around and chucked his backpack at him. Ooze Dude was genuinely startled, because he had been too busy trying to overpower Explodey Boi, while keeping an eye on the heroes. He simply didn't expect a bystander to jump in.

Green Boi reached right into the Ooze Dude and grabbed Explodey Boi's forearm with both of his hands. He screamed an embarrassingly high pitched scream as he tried to pull his best friend out. And it was working. It was working so well that Explodey Boi shouted, "I don't need your help! Go eat ass, punk!"

It worked, but only briefly, because Ooze Dude redoubled his efforts to swallow Explodey Boi—and he tried to grab Green Boi as well.

Fortunately, All American Blonde Superman arrived just in time to save the day. With a single normal punch, he caused a wind surge so strong that it evaporated Ooze Dude, and killed him. Yes. Ooze Dude died.

The force of the upward draft also put out all the fires. Just in case that wasn't enough, it caused the clouds to rearrange and start raining.

…

All American Blonde Superman was interviewed by television crews as the D-List heroes made sure the boys were okay. A couple of them yelled at Precious Green. "What were you thinking?" asked Some Other Disposable Hero Number 1. "You could have been killed!"

"I'm sorry," Green Boi apologized.

As for Angry Explodey Boi, he was being praised for his bravery and his destructive ability. Some Other Disposable Hero Number 2 applauded him and said, "You single-handedly set a whole street on fire and made it a million times harder for us to save you, as well as endangered hundreds of other people and caused hundreds of thousands of dollars' worth of property damage! That is amazing! You should become a hero. I'd love to have you as my sidekick."

"Go eat ass, you one-time screen time wanabee," retorted the Angry Explodey Boi. "I'd only be your sidekick in your wet dreams."

"He's so badass!" Some Other Disposable Hero Number 2 swooned.

The heroes asked the boys if they were alright, and once they said yes, the heroes sent them on their way without any medical examination or contacting their parents. After all, this was an everyday occurrence in Typical Japanese City. This literally was nothing special.

The two friends walked home together in silence. Green Boi trembled, because the adrenaline had finally worn off, and he was terrified. Explodey Boi noticed, and scoffed. "You fuck nugget!" he roared.

"Me?"

"Yes you!" He shoved Green Boi. "Who do you think you are, with that pathetic attempt at saving me? You're nothing but a stupid goodamn nerd! You should go—"

"I know, I know! I'll go eat ass, Explochan. Shut up."

Angry Explodey Boi glared at Green Boi with the passion of a thousand roaring suns. "So now you expect me to get on my knees and suck your dick?"

"What? No? What is up with you and all this sexual stuff?"

"Don't expect me to start thanking you. I don't owe you anything. Damn nerd." And even though his house was further down the same street, Explodey Boi turned around and marched off in the opposite direction.

Green Boi, utterly confused, watched him go, while thinking, _Is he…gay?_

With a sigh, Green Boi kept walking. _He would tell me if he is, right? That's something you would tell your best friend. We've been friends since forever. Actually are we even friends? He beats me up and verbally abuses me all the time._ He chuckled. _Well, I guess that's his way of showing affection. Besides, I understand why he's mad. If I had gotten hurt trying to save him, he'd never forgive himself._

Green Boi glanced up at the clouds. _I'm such a massive loser. I almost died, then I bothered a popular hero, then I set lose a villain that almost killed Explochan, then I almost killed myself trying to save him…_ Yet another sigh. _Yeah, I should give up on this hero stuff. It actually kind of scares the shit out of me._

"I'M BACK!" shouted super fluffy deluxe Blonde Superman as he popped out from around the corner.

"AHAHAHH!" shouted startled Precious Green Bean Child. "Christ, you scared the shit out of me." He was clutching his chest. When he regained his composure, he asked "Wait, how did you know where I was?"

"I followed you!"

"You stalked me?!"

"It's not stalking! Not when I do it!"

Green Boi rolled his eyes.

"Hey, kid, I stalked you because I saw you back there." The blonde man allowed his body to wither to its true form. "I saw what you did. It took guts."

"You saw me back there? You saw me jump in and almost get myself killed? You saw me helpless to protect my friend?" Green Boi sniffled. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I made you drop the soda bottle in the first place."

"Yeah it's definitely your fault, 100 percent. My pockets are extremely deep—like, ridiculously deep—so there is no other way that the soda bottle in which I imprisoned the villain could have fallen out. You caused that whole mess, and it was your fault that the villain captured another kid, that people were hurt and property was damaged, and that I had to murder the villain. But, look, kid, don't cry. You should be proud."

"Proud?"

"Yeah. You're the only one that actually did something. Albeit, something completely useless, but something, nonetheless. That sort of complete and utter disregard for your own safety and wellbeing is exactly what I've been looking for in a successor. You show the qualities of a true hero."

"A… hero?"

"Just from meeting you today for like, ten minutes, I can tell, for certain, that you are someone who believes in ridiculously unattainable goals, but believes in them so deeply that he will go through great lengths and trials and tribulations to finally achieve those goals. Someone who is pure, maybe a little flawed, but a genuinely good boy, who has an angsty, angry foil character with whom the fangirls can ship him."

"You think… I'm…"

"Yes. I take back the completely rational, but un-shonen-manga-like thing that I said earlier. Don't give up. Never give up. Trust your instincts."

Green Boi dropped to his knees. "You mean?"

"You can go the distance kid. You've got what it takes to be a hero."

Tears rolled down Green Boi's face. "You mean, I can be a hero, with just my smarts alone?"

"No! No, no, no, no, no. Of course not! No way. No." Blonde Superman chuckled. "Haha, no. Wow, no. Hahaha, whooo! I needed a good laugh." He coughed up a bit of blood, and then wiped it off with the back of his hands. "No, kid, you'd either die or this show would be WAY too boring. You can be a hero, but I'll have to give you superpowers."

"…So you're saying that I definitely **DO** need superpowers to become a hero?"

"Yes."

"So this isn't one of those stories where the underdog makes it to the top against all odds?"

"Yes it is, but you'll have a cool looking OP super power."

"Do I really need one? I was hoping to be this world's Batman, you know?"

"Look, do you want the damn powers or not?"

"Yes please."

"Alright then. So I've been looking for a successor for my power. It's one passed down from generation to generation, one that's cultivated from master to student. One that grows and develops from person to person. It's the ultimate quirk: Deus ex Machina."

"Deus ex Machina?"

"Yes. And with it, you will become the strongest hero ever!" Blonde Superman held out his hand. "Will you accept this torch I pass on to you?"

Green Boi smiled. He wiped the tears from his eyes. He grasped the man's hand. He nodded. "Yes."


	3. Ten Months in One Chapter

"Ew your hand's all sweaty," complained All American Blonde Superman as he yanked his hand away from Precious Green Bean Child, and wiped it on his cargo pants. "Why are you so sweaty? Damn kid."

"Sorry, sorry, I've had a really rough day. Like, really, really rough." Green Boi sniffled. "So how exactly are you going to give me superpowers?"

"Short version: it's a secret until your training montage is over."

"What? What are you talking about?"

"Long version," Blonde Superman cleared his throat and wiped the blood trickling down the corner of his mouth. "Journalists have always guessed that my super power is invulnerability or super strength or pure magic or something dumb like that. Whenever people ask in interviews, I always joke around or dodge the question. It's because the world needs to believe that their symbol of peace is just a natural born hero, like any of them. But I'm not. There's nothing natural about my ability. I wasn't born with this power. It's a sacred torch that was passed on to me. And now, I'll pass it onto you."

"Wait, wait, wait," Precious Green shook his head. "This is a lot to process. It's true that people on the internet debate what your quirk is—you should see the YouTube comment threads on your videos. People write entire essays about it, with citations and everything. And that's just YouTube. Don't get me started on Reddit. There's actually a group of conspiracy theorists on the subreddit r/AllAmericanSham who believe that you don't even have any power at all, and that you're just a puppet used by the media to—"

"Hey kid. Daddy was talking. Shut up."

"Oh, yes. Sorry."

"Now, you may be wondering what Deus ex Machina is, exactly, and why I'm looking for a successor, and why I'm choosing you, and what I mean by inheriting it. Well, first of all…"

Green Boi tried to pay attention, but one of the side effects of Mutter Mutter is that sometimes he gets really wrapped up in his mind and can't focus on reality. _One of the world's biggest mysteries is "what the hell is All American Blonde Superman's quirk?" No one can figure it out. Yet here he is, telling me his secret, right in the middle of the street, like it's no big deal. And, well, the idea of passing on a quirk or inheriting it just doesn't make sense to me—oh, wait, but of course quirks do get passed on from parents to children. That makes sense, because of DNA. Like I think Explochan's quirk is a combination of his mom's fire manipulation and his dad's extremely sweaty palms. (Poor man has the dumbest quirk in the world.) But even at that, powers are unique to each individual. So even though Explochan inherited his quirk, it's not the exact same quirk as either of his parents. Since the beginning of superpowers, no one has ever just been able to simply "give" someone their superpowers like a present. Unless this guy is gonna do some weird DNA splicing shit on me. Oh fuck. Do I really want to be a hero that badly? And, oh shit, if we really can give people super powers with genetic modifications, this will change everything we know about quirks in general!_

"Kid!" shouted Blonde Superman.

"Huh?!"

"Were you listening?"

"Uh… yeah."

"Then what did I say?"

"Um, important stuff. Lots of important stuff."

Blonde Superman nodded. "Yeah, I did. So stop crying and get up. We've got work to do."

Green Boi nodded.

…

Typical Japanese City had one of the most polluted beaches in the entire country of Japan. Instead of sand, the shore was covered in discarded electronics, trash, and waste. Piles and piles and piles of junk stacked high like mountains, blocking out the sun. It was an eyesore, frankly, and it smelled horrendous. Some people blamed the trash accumulation on the ocean currents. Some blamed it on the fact that city officials did nothing to stop illegal dumping. Either way, although there were tons of people with power-up quirks, no one took it upon themselves to do a little bit of community service to clean up the place. In fact, the pollution had gotten so bad that it was now a trademark of the city. Hooligans and delinquents hung around there to smoke. Murderers used it as a place to hide dead bodies.

Anyway, All American Blonde Superman and Precious Green were using that area as a workout spot this evening. As the sun set, Blonde Superman sat on a refrigerator and heckled young Green Bean as the latter tried to pull said refrigerator with ropes.

"GRRRAH!" screamed Green Boi. "Why the hell did someone toss a perfectly functional refrigerator on the beach anyway? Someone had to load it in their car, drive all the way out here, take it out of their car, and leave it on the beach! Why would they do that?"

"Hahahaha!" laughed muscle-bound swole ripped cut jacked All American. "You can't even move this fridge? You'd better get stronger, kid, or else your body will explode when you try to use Deus ex Machina."

"It'll… explode?"

"Yes. I told you that. That day in the street."

"…Haha… yeah…" Green Boi regretted not listening to him that day. "I understand that you're trying to train me, but why do we have to do it here, in this stinky place?"

"I heard that back in the day, this beach was beautiful. And I think it's a true hero's job to serve the community in any way they can. That includes cleaning the beach. That's your first task as hero-in-training!"

"How the hell am I supposed to clean the beach? Do we have some way to dispose of it? Because otherwise, I'm just gonna be moving it from one side to the other."

"…" All American pursed his lips. He hadn't thought of that. So he changed the subject. "So, Kid, you want to go to UH, right?"

Green Boi nodded. "Yup. Plus Ultra Academy High School, aka UH. The best school in all of Japan, no, the entire world. And I happen to live conveniently close to it. It's like I was meant to go to that school, Blonde Superman."

"You can't become a hero without a really fancy flashy quirk. That's one of the requirements of that school. So if you want to go, then you'd better get your body ready to handle my big, thick, quirk."

"Uh?"

"So I've taken the liberty of composing a schedule to which you will live by for the next ten months until the entrance exam."

"A schedule?"

All American Blonde Superman pulled a stack of papers out of his unexplainably deep cargo pants pocket. "I accounted for every detail. Sleeping, eating, shitting, breathing. For the next ten months, your life belongs to me. I will train you mercilessly and viciously. This will be almost impossible. You will cry. You will hate yourself. You will second guess your decision to become a hero. But if you succeed, not only will you be a small swole Green Boi, but you might just possibly be ready to inherit Deus ex Machina."

"Uh…" Green Boi took the papers and glanced through them. "This is seriously intense… Well, I guess if this is what I need to do, then I'll do it. I'll have to work ten times as hard as everyone else if I want to be on the same level as them, because that's what certain people who were born a certain way have to do in life." He sighed. But then he smiled and nodded. "Let's do this, Blonde Superman!"

…

 **[Precious Green Bean's Super Plus ULTRA Intense Training!]**

Green Boi tapped his mom's shoulder and showed her the list of foods that All American had written. "Mom, can you cook this from now on?"

"Oh what's this?" she asked, taking the list from him. "Oh… sure, I can make some of these dishes every once in a while."

"No. I need each thing on that list. Every day."

"…Haha…"

"No. Mom. I'm not kidding."

"…" she chuckled a little.

He looked at her with stern-faced severity.

She was silent for a moment. Then she asked, "Why?"

"I want to get big, Mom. Please?"

"Okay?" She raised an eyebrow, suspiciously, but she nodded.

…

Green Boi was in class, and was accidentally using Mutter Mutter, while he thought about a more efficient way to train his body. _After all,_ he thought, _I think I know my body better than All American Blonde Superman. So if I want to finish the beach clean up the week before the exam, I only have 294 days left. So if I take recovery days into account, assuming that I rest two days in between each heavy work out then I only have 92 actual days of training. If I want to hit each muscle group then I'll need to…_ "Mutter mutter mutter mutter mutter mutter mutter mutter mutter," he began muttering his thoughts aloud. It got to the point where he was disturbing the class. So the teacher turned around, shouted, "Maka Chop!" and bonked Green Boi on the head with a textbook.

…

Precious Green's mom watched as he scarfed down food like an idiot. She had noticed that her son was gaining muscle mass very quickly, was always tired, and had become unusually quiet and reclusive. He had barely spoken to her over the past few weeks. Plus, he was spending a lot of time away from home.

Earlier that evening, she had called and asked Explodey Boi's mom if Green Boi was hanging out with Explochan. "No," replied Angry Explodey Mom. "Actually, Angry Boi's been really pissed because Green Boi has been 'acting weird' and 'avoiding him'."

"Acting weird?" Precious Green Mom started to get worried. So tonight, she asked, "Green Bean, are you okay?"

"Huh?" replied the boy, his mouth full of food.

"You're acting weird…"

"Oh. Uh, that's because I'm training to be a hero. UH's entrance exams are in eight months."

"…Um…" she scratched the back of her head. "Do you really think you can be a hero without a quirk, Sweetie?"

"I do have a quirk."

She knew that this was sore subject for her son. "Well, you know, a heroic quirk."

"Mom I—"

"Sweetie, I really don't think you can become a hero. I say that because I love you."

Green Bean sniffled, and started crying as he continued to shovel food into his mouth. His mother, too, started crying, because she didn't know what else to say.

…

Green Boy was using a hand grip thing to work out the muscles in his hand while he wrote in his notebook at school. One of his classmates, who was sitting in the desk behind him, noticed the intense movement of his arm, and turned to one of the other students, asking, "Is he jacking off? In class?"

…

When Green Boi was training with the Withered All American one day, the former passed out from sheer fatigue. All American noticed that Green Boi was in immense pain, and could barely get back up. "Whoa, Kid, you look like you've been overworking yourself. Have you been doing more than what I told you to do? I can guess that, simply by looking at you."

Green Boi struggled to his knees, and said, "Yes. I want to go beyond what you think my limits are! Even if it kills me!"

All American's heart skipped a beat. He clutched his chest and spat up blood. He thought, _His tolerance for pain is even higher than I thought! He'll make a perfect main character for this shonen anime!_ Aloud, he said, "Then I'll make your workout one hundred times harder!"

"No!" Green Boi shouted, "Make it three hundred, no, five hundred times harder! I want my sweat to be bloody!"

A single manly tear escaped from All American's perfect superior magnificent left eye. Then he laughed his perfect superior magnificent All American laugh. _I love this kid._

…

Green Boi climbed to the top of the trash that he had moved from one part of the beach, up to the sidewalk in front of the beach. He screamed a moderately high-pitched primal scream, without a shirt on, just as withered old All American Blonde Superman arrived to check on his progress. The sight of the clean beach made the man spit up blood all over his nice new jacket that he had just bought from Burlington Coat Factory. His jaw dropped, _Not only did Green Boi clean up more than I asked him too, but he organized the trash into recyclables and waste, and stacked them into aesthetically pleasing piles! It's, it's, it's,_ his body became big, buff and ultra-tuff, _SO SYMETTRICAL!_

 **[Precious Green Bean's Super Plus ULTRA Intense Training END!]**

…

"Okay, All American," Green Boi said, sweating and smiling like crazy. "The exam is today. I just screamed all my anger and frustration out, and I'm ready to go! All I need is your quirk—if you still think I'm worthy of it."

"HAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Blonde Superman. "You are more than ready, young Green Boi! I am proud to have chosen you as a successor. All you need to do to inherit my quirk is to take a piece of me inside you."

Green Boi's smile dropped. His eyes widened and his face turned red. "Huh?"

Blonde Superman yanked a single strand of his Fortified Enriched Superfood Hair from his head. "Eat this." He poked Green Boi on the lips with his hair. Green Boi backed up. "Whoa, what the fuck?"

"I guess you forgot, but remember that day we first met, I explained to you that you need to ingest a bit of my DNA to inherit the power?"

 _Damn why didn't I listen to him that day?_ "Oh yeah."

"So eat the hair."

"Oh fuck, this is nasty." Green Boi took it from him and winced.

"Get over it. Some fanboys would pay to eat my hair."

"Yeah, you're right. I'm actually very lucky." Yet he hesitated to eat it. "There's got to be some other way. I can't just knowingly eat a piece of hair."

"Well what else has my DNA? The only thing I can think of is sp—"

"Don't say it!" Green Boi shook his head. He felt like he would pass out if Blonde Superman offered _that_ option. "Never mind, I think eating hair is the least embarrassing way." So he closed his eyes and swallowed the blonde hair. It felt scrumptious delicious itchy sliding down his throat. He gagged a little. Then he coughed and covered his mouth to avoid retching. "This single moment was harder than the last ten months, combined," he complained.

"Then maybe it would have been easier to do my second option."

"Please Blonde Superman, I don't want to think about swallowing your—"

"Spit." Blonde Superman pulled out a bottle of water from his remarkably deep pockets. "I could have taken a swig of this water, and then allowed you to take a swig of it. It's sort of an indirect kiss, and you'd take in just a little bit of my spit, which everyone knows has a little bit of DNA. "

Green Boi laughed awkwardly. "Oh. Yeah. Spit. Hehe… That would have been less repulsive… I guess?"

All American shrugged. "Either way, what's done is done. Let's test out your powers before you head to the exam."

Green Boi checked his watch. "JESUS CHRIST I'M GONNA BE LATE!" He put on his shirt and grabbed his backpack and shoes. "I can't! I gotta run! See you later Blonde Superman!" And Green Boi ran off.

"Good luck, Kid!" shouted the man, as he waved goodbye. "Oh, and one word of advice before you go!"

"Hm?" Green Boi paused and turned to look at him.

"When you use Deus ex Machina, clench your butt-cheeks really tight, and yell 'SMASH' from the bottom of your heart."

"…" Green Boi looked at his mentor sideways.

"You think I'm joking, kid?"

"…No. Thanks for the advice."

…

 **Author's note: I deeply apologize for that spit joke. I really do. But it made me laugh so hard. Certainly I can't be the only one with this vile sense of humor?**


	4. Lethal Examination

Standing tall in the city was the site of the entrance examinations for Plus Ultra Academy High School, or UH for short. Green Boi fought back the urge to throw up as he wondered how Deus ex Machina would manifest itself in his body. _Maybe I should have tested it out with All American before I rushed here. But I didn't know if some dumbass supervillain was gonna hold up traffic again. I couldn't risk being late for the exam. Since the competition for Plus Ultra High is so cutthroat, it's an automatic disqualification if you're late._

"Stop muttering to yourself you motherfucking nerd ass-eating bitch," shouted a familiar voice.

"Explochan?" Green Boi turned around to see his (best?) friend approaching him.

"Yeah it's me. Just cuz you've been avoiding me all year doesn't mean I don't exist you dick sucking slut."

"Why do you use such sexually explicit language?"

"I don't have to explain myself to you!" Angry Boi pushed him aside. "Go eat ass, punk."

"Maybe if it's yours, Explochan," Green Boi sarcastically retorted.

"Only in your wet dreams," barked Angry Boi as he stomped away.

 _He's mad because he thinks I've been avoiding him? Since when have I been avoiding… You know what, yeah, I've spent the whole year training with All American. I haven't seen much of Explochan outside of school. I'll make it up to him. When we both get in to UH, I'll take him out for ramen._ He smiled and made his way toward the entrance. _I've worked so hard. So I'm gonna definitely get in—_

He stumbled over his own shoe. He hurtled, face first, toward the cold, hard, unforgiving ground. _Welp. Guess I'll die._

Fortunately, his precious face decided not to hit the ground. In fact, his whole body began to float. "HOLY SHIT IS THIS THE POWER OF DEUS EX MACHINA? **"**

 **"** Lol, what are you talking about?" asked a cute girl who was magically suddenly standing beside him. She helped him to stand and then clapped her hands together. "I stopped you with my quirk. Sorry I didn't ask first, but, I figured that you like your face. Teehee. Anyway, I'm super nervous about the exam and I feel like I'm gonna throw up. I didn't eat much for breakfast, though, so I shouldn't. If I do it'll probably just be stomach acid. I'm gonna go inside. Buh-bye." And she walked away, while saying under her breath, "Why the hell did I say that? Ugh!"

Green Boi was at a loss for words. _An angel of good luck blessed me._ He laughed happily.

…

Inside the auditorium, Speaker Man, a pro hero whose gravity-defying hair should have been a quirk in and of itself, was trying to get the UH applicants to loosen up a little. "Are you ready to rumbleeeeee?" he cheered, to a crowd of silent, awkward 9th graders. "Come on, lemme hear you say 'Hey!'"

Silence. Except for Green Boi who was quietly fanboying over Speaker Man's presence, because spending ten months training exclusively with All American Blonde Superman didn't quell his fanboy nature.

Since the students didn't want to play along, Speaker Man got serious. "Never mind. Let me just explain the rules. Each student is assigned a to a battle center, where they will be competing in 10-minute mock battles in an urban setting."

Explochan, whose assigned seat was next to Green Boi's, looked at his own registration card, and then glanced at Green Boi's card. "I get it," he thought aloud. "They're separating us so we can't work with our friends."

Green Boi heard, and glanced at Angry Boi's card. "Yeah, our registration numbers are consecutive yet we were assigned different battle centers."

"Don't look at my card, ass-breath."

"You really are creative with these insults Explochan."

Speaker Man continued to explain the rules, "Alright so as per the official rulebook, you will be tasked with fighting robot villains. There are four types of villains: 1pt villains, 2pt villains, 3pt villains, and 0pt villains. Not only do you get points for killing the villains, you get points for destroying the surroundings, and you get points for style, which are awarded subjectively by the judges. The purpose of this exam is to show off how interesting your quirk and your personality are. The flashier and the more destructive, the better. We at UH only want the best and flashiest students, because that's what makes for a good anime. Unfortunately, we're also a hero school, so attacking your fellow applicants on purpose is grounds for immediate disqualification. This isn't Deadman Wonderland. This is Hero School Plus Ultra. Any questions?"

A hand rose from the middle of the audience. It was a dude wearing glasses. "Hello, I raised my hand because I like the attention. I'm also going to point out something on the examination information form, and yell at you, because I'm a super serious type of guy that always plays by the rules. I'm also going to turn around and yell at that kid because he's mumbling." Glasses Guy turned around to Precious Green and said, "Shut up!"

Explodey Boi banged on the desk and retorted, "Hey, no one picks on this loser but me! Go eat ass!"

Green Boi quickly tried to calm his friend, "It's okay Explochan, it's not that serious."

Speaker Man clapped and cheered. "To have the balls to ask a question when the rest of the audience is silent, that gives me goosebumps! I like you kid! You're interesting! You'll get style points for that! And you, the angry kid, I like your style too! But you, green-haired kid, I don't like you. You're too plain. I'm deducting style points!"

Explodey Boi scoffed. Green Boi panicked. _Can he do that? That's not fair!_

Glasses Guy bowed, said, "Thank you," and sat down.

Speaker Man clapped his hands and struck a pose. "Okay, this chapter is going to be a long one, so let's get this started! Everyone, let me hear you cheer our school motto! Say it with me!" He took a deep breath.

Green Boi took a deep breath as well, ready to cheer with him, but Angry Explodey Boi gave him a vicious look. So Green Boi, and the rest of the auditorium kept silent when Speaker Man yelled, "PLUS ULTRA!"

…

 _Plus Ultra Academy High_. Green Boi thought to himself as he suited up for the entrance examination. _The school where the most popular superheroes are trained. The godly All American Blonde Superman, the world's strongest and most beloved hero, was a student in these sacred halls. UH also trained the second top hero in Japan, Abusive Fire Daddy, and the third top hero, Denim Dude. Attending UH is basically a requirement if you want to become a top hero. And I want to become a top hero. I'm going to use All American's power and my wits to bring about a peaceful world. That's the plan._

Green Boi gulped. _But I'm so nervous!_ He glanced around at the couple dozen kids chatting, hanging out by the gate enclosing the fake city built for the mock battle. He couldn't help but overhear some of the conversation bits floating around.

One said, "How did they afford to build, not one, not two, but at least a dozen mock cities for UH's entrance exam? This is Japan, right? Real estate is precious."

Another said, "LOL, I know I'm not gonna get in to UH. I'm just doing the test because someone dared me."

To which someone replied, "Me too dude, I don't even want to be a hero."

Someone else said, "So I ate some ramen for dinner last night and I'm feeling pretty good about this test."

Green Boi sighed. "Why does everyone seem so calm? Am I the only one who's nervous?" He skimmed around the crowd. He happened to see the pretty girl who helped him earlier. He blushed. "Oh, that's her! Didn't she also say she was nervous? She looks kind of nervous. Maybe I should go talk to her and we can be nervous together." So he started walking toward her.

Suddenly, a cold, heavy hand grasped his shoulder. Green Boi shivered at the authoritative touch. Turning around, he saw the glasses guy eyeing him sternly. "I insert myself into situations so that I can get more screen time," Glasses Guy said. "And I say everything in a proud manly voice because that makes me seem authoritative. So don't talk to that girl because she's obviously trying to focus."

"O-okay! Sorry!" stuttered Green Boi.

A couple of kids overheard the situation, and laughed at Precious Green. He heard them say, "Loser. He's definitely not getting in to UH."

"Neither are we, dude. We're extras."

"Aw come on, have some faith in yourself. At least five future class 1-A students were just background characters in this episode."

"REALLY? Which ones?"

Their conversation was cut short when Speaker Man appeared on top of a tower over-looking the fake city. He took a deep breath, shouted, "ROCK N' ROLL!" and whipped his hair back and forth. Green Boi stared at him, wondering, _What the hell is he doing?_ Then he turned around and saw that his fellow students had rushed into the open gate.

 _THAT WAS THE STARTING SIGNAL?_ Green Boi followed them. His heart was racing. His mind was all over the place. _Focus, Precious Green!_ _Don't overthink. Don't panic. Just punch and kick. That's what they want. Be flashy! But how? What do I do? How do I even activate Dues ex Machina? Ugh why didn't I test it out with All American earlier? Dammit I don't know what I'm doing! Why did I do this? What am I doing here?_

As if to rub salt into his wounded confidence, a 1-point mecha robot burst through the wall of a building, and scared Precious Green so bad that he almost shit his pants. _Punch it! Punch it! Punch it! Punch it!_ He told himself. But his body wouldn't listen. His feet wouldn't move. His arms went numb. He started to cry. The robot reared back, like it was about to slap the color out of this skin. _Oh no. I'm not hero material at all. I'm pathetic. I'm too scared of this stupid fucking robot._

Fortunately, a bright flash of light ripped apart the robot. Some blonde, flamboyant kid said, "I'm flashy! I'm well-dressed! I'm blonde! I speak French and English and Japanese! Look at my perfect smile! I shoot lasers out of my belly! I'm definitely hero material~!" and he ran away.

Green Boi watched him run off. Then Greenie stood around and thought, _Wow. I panicked. I froze in fear. I'm so stupid. It's just a test. It's not like the robot would kill me… although they did make us sign liability waivers before we took the test._

He remembered speed-reading the waiver when he checked-in for the exam this morning. It had said something along the lines of "UH will not be held responsible for any death or injury during the examination process."

 _But of course they'd make us sign a waiver. That's basic legal protection for the school. It's not like anyone has actually died or gotten seriously hurt during the exam. They wouldn't let children do this if it was dangerous… right?_

Then he heard Speaker Man shout, "Six and a half minutes left."

"FUCK ME!" Green Boi screamed. He had wasted too much time standing around. He charged around the corner. _I need points. I need points. I need points. I need points. I need points!_

In the center of the city, there were a bunch of potential students, fighting mobs of robots. Green Boi happened to notice the nice, pretty girl going around touching robots, causing them to float high up in the air.

 _Oh that's a cool quirk._ Green Boi thought.

"Release!" she said, touching her fingertips together. This brought the robots crashing down into the street.

Unfortunately, she wasn't paying attention to where she was dropping the robots, and she accidentally crushed one unlucky student to death in the process. Three more were hit by the flying debris, seriously injuring them. But she didn't notice the chaos that she was causing because she was panicking. "Jesus Christ, that's only 28 points," she said to herself.

 _Holy shit!_ Green Boi thought as he fought back the urge to vomit. _Did that really just happen? Did she really do something as stupid as make robots float and then fall down in a densely populated area?_ He looked around. No one else had noticed, because they, too, were busy trying to kill robots for points. The guy with glasses was kicking robots with his engine legs. The force of his kicks caused the robots to explode, sending shrapnel in multiple directions. "That's 45 points," he said.

"Duck!" Green Boi shouted as he tackled Random Student A to the ground, barely saving her from getting decapitated by a stray robot claw.

"Back off you little shit!" she yelled at him as she pushed him away and ran after another robot.

"That's 32 for me!" yelled Random Student H.

"Well I have 37," said Random Student I.

"MY LEG!" screamed Random Student J. He was pinned underneath a robot part. Green Boi ran to him, and pulled him out. "You okay?"

"Yeah I'm fine!" The student pushed Green Boi aside and limped toward the thick of the battle to get more points.

 _So this is what All American meant when he said I definitely need a flashy quirk. But what use is a quirk if it hurts more people than it helps? Fuck this test. I'm not doing this. So what if I don't get accepted into this stupid school? I don't want to go to a school with an entrance exam like this! How is this even legal?!_

Green Boi ran to help a girl who was bleeding from her skull in a ditch in the side of the road. He carried her away from the battle zone. On the way, he picked up another victim of the floaty girl's negligence, a dude whose tibia was sticking out of his ankle joint.

As soon as he set the two wounded applicants aside, he felt the ground rumble. Looking up, he saw a robot that was as big as The Female Titan Lady. With a single swing, the robot destroyed a building, sending dirt and debris everywhere. _This stupid fucking test is way too extreme! Seriously! How much money did they spend building this fake city and all these robots, only to destroy it?!_

Several students fell into fits of coughing, because they breathed in the dusty air. The ones that were able to run, ran for their lives. The robot rolled after them, like a tank ready to obliterate everything in its line of sight. Green Boi gaped in horror as he saw the robot run over entire buildings. And in its path were a bunch of kids.

 _No way. They won't let that happen._ He thought. _They'll stop the robot before it runs over anyone._

It kept marching forward.

 _No. Stop. Plus Ultra Academy High School, stop playing._

But it kept rolling forward, crushing everything in its wake. Soon it would crush helpless, unconscious students. Green Boi trembled with panic. Glasses Guy happened to run past the trembling Green Boi. He stopped for a second and said, "I notice that you're hesitating because you're worried for the safety of others, and I am too, but I'm not stopping to help because I want to focus on this test." Glasses Guy kept running.

"What is wrong with that guy?" Green asked himself.

"NO! Help!" screamed a girl. As the dust cleared, Green Boi saw that the tables had turned for the girl who made things float. Now her leg was pinned under a concrete slab. She was panicking so much that she didn't do the rational thing, which would be to make the slab float and crawl out from under it. "HELP!" she screamed.

It only took Green Boi a single second to act.

In that single second, he thought, _How can I save her? I could pull her out. But what if her leg is broken or something? Then she can't run. And I can't outrun that robot while carrying her. Besides, it's not only her that's in the robot's way. There's a lot of applicants who can't run away, because they can't breathe since there is so much of the dust in the air. And those other two that I saved. They're in trouble too… I can't save everyone unless… Brute strength. I guess the only solution to this situation is brute strength. I have to beat that robot. So that's what I'll do. What did All American say again? Clench my butt-checks? Here goes nothing._


	5. You Failed

Precious Green had badly sprained his ankle once while playing soccer (futbol), when he was in elementary school. He remembered how badly it had hurt. He cried and he couldn't put any weight on that foot for the next few days. Explochan had helped him limp off the field. "You can't do anything without hurting yourself, can you Greenie?" his friend scolded.

But that pain was nothing compared to the pain of Deus ex Machina.

He actually heard the sound of his bones cracking when he jumped into the air. Although adrenaline was pumping through his veins, he felt like someone had sliced opened his legs and plugged his bones into an electric outlet.

It hurt. It really, fucking hurt.

But he focused on the task at hand. He made a fist. He angled his body toward the robot. _I need to punch it at just the right angle, so that it falls away from everyone. I need to punch it hard._

When his fist connected with the cold metal, he heard another cracking sound. It was like someone dropped a ceramic plate on hardwood floor. And it hurt. It hurt so bad that Precious Green felt faint. But he realized that he couldn't afford to pass out. He had to land safely. He knew that. Yet the intense shock of breaking the bones of three of his four limbs was causing his body to shut down.

At this point, both of his legs and his right arm were like sacks of jelly. They flopped around in the wind as Green Bean hurtled toward the ground.

And the funny thing (not "haha" funny, but ironically funny) is that Green Boi suddenly remembered what Explochan had said to him that one day at school:

"You'd die in the entrance exams for Plus Ultra High!"

 _Yeah, I guess you were right, Explochan._ Green Boi thought, closing his eyes. _I guess this is my swan dive off the roof._

POP!

To Green Boi's surprise, he was slapped in his precious face by the floaty girl. She was floating on a piece of robot debris and had maneuvered herself toward him. The slap suddenly made Green Boi's momentum stop entirely, because apparently her quirk could alter the laws of physics. He floated in the air for a little bit, hovering just inches above the ground, before she touched her fingers together and said, "Release!"

Green Boi gently alighted on the ground. And he shrieked like hell. He was in agony. His legs and arm were swelling up so bad that they looked like they would seriously burst. His vision was going hazy, and he felt cold. The last thing he heard before passing out was the sound of Floaty Girl throwing up.

Just a few feet away, Glasses Guy watched in pure shock. _That kid has a magnificently flashy quirk!_ He thought. _That sort of quirk would get him into the school, no questions asked! So why didn't he use it before? Is it because of the physical repercussions? If so, then why did he use it at all? Especially to attack a zero-point villain? I'm sure that kid has zero points. I haven't seen him fight any villains. I know that for certain, because I was watching him this entire time. In fact, I think everyone was, because everyone knows that he has zero points. Right?_

Glasses Guy faced Random Student Y, who happened to be standing beside him. "Did that kid over there get any points?"

Random Student Y shook his head. "No, that idiot didn't get any points."

Random Student K overheard and added, "Yeah, he definitely didn't get any robot points."

Random student U said, "I didn't see him fight any robots."

"Me neither," Random student R added.

 _Yeah, so he definitely didn't get any villain points._ Glasses Guy thought. _For some reason, everyone noticed that. In fact, it's hard **not** to pay attention to that guy. It's like he's an attention magnet! He looks so plain, but he's probably the most interesting kid in this whole exam! That means the judges were definitely watching him! _Glasses Guy starting to panic. _That means that he's going to earn a lot of style points. So was he going after style points this whole time? That doesn't make sense, because style points are completely subjective. It's more rational to beat up robots and destroy this this mock city to earn points. So if he wasn't after style points, then why did he fight the robot and save that girl—Oh shit. This is a hero school isn't it?_ Glasses Guy gasped. _This is a hero school! We were supposed to save people!_

Glasses Guy looked around at his classmates. The ones that were still standing were scraped and cut and bruised all over. The ones that weren't standing were pretty badly injured. He realized, _This whole exam was a sham. They turned us into monsters, fighting over robots and points, instead of helping out our fellow students who got hurt. **We** were the true villains in this exam! And the people who are going to pass are the people who saw past that deception and saved others!_ He hunched over, grabbing either side of his head in panic. _How could I not see this? How did I not know that I was supposed to find people to save during a hero school entrance exam?_ He squeezed his eyes shut. _But the fact that I'm panicking and realizing this now means that I must be important to the plot! In fact, I'm getting screen time! And a lot of it! So that means I'll probably pass the exam!_ Glasses Guy shook his head. _I hope._

Students gathered around Green Boi and looked at his pathetic, unconscious body. No one did anything to help, though. It wasn't until the school nurse, Grandma Kisses, arrived, that he finally got help.

The dude who could shoot lasers out of his belly said, "Grandma Kisses is the school nurse. It's because of her power that UH can do these sorts of dangerous entrance exams."

Random Student V, who was standing right next to Laser Belly, asked, "Who are you talking to? Me?"

"Step aside everyone," said Grandma Kisses. "I have healing to do." She gave Green Boi a kiss on his head.

Like magic, Green Boi's body healed up. He was as good as new. But he was still knocked-out. Grandma Kisses then walked over to Floaty Girl and gave her a kiss on the forehead. Floaty Girl instantly felt refreshed. "Anyone else need help?" Grandma Kisses walked around, giving healing kisses to anyone that was alive and wanted one, or was unconscious and injured.

…

Green Boi awoke in an infirmary. It was a large room, with a dozen beds laid out in two rows of six. Sleeping on one side of him was the girl who had been bleeding from her head. On the other side was the kid whose ankle had basically snapped in half.

"You're awake," said Nurse Grandma, who had just walked into the infirmary.

"Yeah," said Green Boi. "Where am I?"

"In the infirmary. I healed you."

"Wow! I'm as good as new! Thanks."

"How did you get hurt so badly? It's like your body wasn't used to your quirk."

"Uh… It's because I was nervous about the test. So my quirk went haywire."

"Hm. Well anyway, your friend is waiting for you outside."

"My friend?" Green Boi repeated.

Sure enough, Angry Explodey Boi was squatting down in the hallway outside of the infirmary, seething in rage. Green Boi gulped when he saw him. Angry Boi heard the gulp, because he could sense fear. Standing up, Angry Explodey made sparks fly from his palms. "Why didn't you just die you shit-breath loser?"

Green Boi cowered and backed away. "Uhhhh?"

"Give me one reason," Angry Boi roared, as he seized the collar of Green Boi's shirt, "why I shouldn't send you back for more kisses."

"I just wanna go home Explochan," Green Boi squeaked. His eyes watered.

Explochan let him go. "Tch," he scoffed, as he stormed away.

"Wait for me!" Green Boi ran after his friend so that they could walk home together.

…

It was a quiet evening at the Bean Child household. Green Boi barely touched his food. His mother didn't want to ask about the exam, because she was afraid to make her son cry. Yet, she knew that it was her motherly duty, so she asked, "How'd it go Greenie?"

"Not good," he replied.

"I'm sorry."

"It's fine. I'm gonna look into other schools and their hero courses."

She hadn't expected her son to be so calm about it. "Oh. Really?"

"Yeah. Unless there's a miracle, I'm not getting into UH." He started crying, but he was forcing a smile. "I kind of panicked during the exam and I completely lost track of what I was supposed to do and I kind of gave up. In the heat of the moment, it made sense to me, but now that I think about it, I'm kind of upset. We worked so, so, soooooo hard to train for the exam, and I let everyone down." His voice cracked. "I feel really, really bad. I'm a piece of shit, Mom. I'm such a piece of shit."

"No you're not Greenie," she said. She started to cry. The crybaby trait ran in the family.

…

The judges for the UH Entrance Exam reviewed the examination footage of the students. All American (withered form) sat in the room, listening as the judges debated. "Angry Explodey Boi," said the Principal of the School, Kuma Kawaii-Kun. "He earned the highest total score. It's over 9000! He is the perfect blend of style, flashiness, destructive power, and angst. He defeated more robot enemies than all of the other applicants combined. He worked efficiently, killing the faux villains as if that was his sole goal in life, like that was the reason for which he was born."

The judges nodded.

"But this kid, Precious Green Bean Child, he showed the true traits of heroism." Principal Kawaii replayed the clip showing Green Boi smashing the fuck out of the giant robot. "You see, we don't ever tell the students that there is another component of the exam. It's extremely deceptive, unfair, and downright dangerous that we do this, but students can earn points for rescuing other students. We purposely structure the exam so that there will be chaos and students will be in danger. Students who can think about the safety of others, even during the hellish stress of such an examination, are the ones we want in our school."

One of the judges, Tofu Block Man, said, "So then, do we only accept students who obtained rescue points? After all, we are a hero school."

"No, no, no. We accept students that get the most points total."

"So if they didn't rescue anyone at all, they can still get into the hero course?"

"Yes."

"So rescuing people is not a requirement for getting into the hero course?"

"Yes."

"Why not?"

"That'd be unfair because we didn't tell them that they have to rescue someone."

"Then why do we have rescue points?"

Principal Kawaii's face was always smiling, but the tone of his voice deepened with irritation. "Who's the fucking principal here? Me or you?"

A brief, but intense moment of silence followed.

Principal Kawaii continued, "If you watch the footage, you'll see that, Mr. Bean Child actively ignored the test in favor of saving his fellow students. And in the final moments, he destroyed the giant robot not because he wanted style points, but because he was trying to save everyone."

Another judge, Sensual Sadist Woman, said, "Principal Kawaii, are you thinking of letting this kid into the school? He didn't even earn a single robot villain point."

"Not to mention," said Ninja Eyes, another judge, "that he completely ruined his body with that one attack. It's like his quirk was too powerful for his body. It's fucking useless."

The principal sighed. "That's what I'm worried about. He told Nurse Kisses that he went overboard with his powers because he was nervous. It's a really flashy quirk, but if it's a one-and-done quirk, this won't be a good anime. No one wants to watch the main character get broken to bits all the time."

"You'd be surprised," replied Sadist Woman.

Ninja Eyes rolled his ninja eyes. "It's dangerous for the kid. I say no."

"I have to agree with Ninja Eyes," Tofu Block said. "I say no."

Sadist Woman said, "I say yes. I love to see a 'learn-to-control-my-powers' plotline. Especially if he gets hurt really bad."

Kuma Kawaii nodded. "Okay. I agree with Sadist Woman. So that makes a tie. Good thing All American is here to break the tie."

All American's eyes widened. This was definitely a conflict of interest. Yet, he hadn't told the judges that Green Boi was his protégé, so they didn't know. "Uhhhh," began the Honest All American. "Um, well, you know, I shouldn't make that decision. I'm not even officially on staff yet. My paperwork is still in HR—"

"Come on, All American," Principal Kawaii pleaded. "After all, his quirk is sort of like yours."

Ninja Eyes said, "Yeah, it's a lot like yours. In fact, I think the kid yelled Smash, like you usually do."

All American laughed nervously. "Yeah that's weird, huh? Let the kid in."

"That settles it!" cheered the principal.

…

One week later, Green Boi sat in the living room, playing with his hand grip thing. He had been trying to contact All American all week, but the hero hadn't been answering his calls or texts. _Why won't he answer?_ Green Boi thought. _Doesn't he want to know what happened during the UH entrance exam? It's really weird that he stopped talking to me after the exam. I thought he'd be itching to know how I did. Does he still care about me? Or… is it possible that he found out I failed?_

Around that time, Green Boi's mother was checking the mail. A letter had arrived for Green Boi. It was from UH. She stared at the letter, and for a brief moment, debated whether to throw it away. She held it above the trashcan, ready to dispose of it. Then she stopped. "No, I'll just let him get rejected and get closure," she said aloud. So she went to the living room, "Precious Green!" she called out. "The results! They came!"

Green Boi sighed. He grabbed the envelope, said, "Thanks Mom," and trudged to his room. He shut the door with a _BANG_! "Welp," he sighed. "Here we go…" He opened the envelope, and a mini hologram-projector fell out. It beeped and displayed a video. "I AM HERE AS A PROJECTION!" boomed the Mightiest Beloved Well-Dressed Hero of Justice.

"ALL AMERICAN BLONDE SUPERMAN?!" shouted Green Boi at the projection.

"All American Blonde Superman?" whispered his mom, who was listening in on the other side of the door.

"Hello young man! Sorry I couldn't contact you! Oh, um, not that I would have any reason to contact **you** specifically. It's not like I know you personally, Precious Green Bean Child. Anyway, I had a ton of paperwork to finish! What paperwork you ask? Hiring documents! Starting this upcoming semester, I will be a teacher at Plus Ultra Academy High School."

"BLONDE SUPERMAN IS GONNA TEACH AT UH?" screamed Green Boi.

"Huh?" his mother wondered. "What's he screaming about? Should I go in?"

Blonde Superman laughed a laugh that could shake mountains. "Hahahaha!" The video went a little blurry due to the sheer force of his awesome laugh. Someone off screen waved their hands at him. "Are you telling me to hurry up?" Blonde said to the off-screen guy. "But I have to show him an entire video about the girl who was gonna give him her points and… look, you're wasting more time by telling me to rush."

The guy off screen gave All American the middle finger. The Superhero was offended, but kept talking, "Okay, well, anyway, watch this video, Young Bean Child." He gestured to a television screen behind him. It showed a girl approaching Speaker Man. "Hey," she said, "um, excuse me, is this the admissions office?"

"Yup," said Speaker Man.

"Hi, I'm Blushy Floaty Girl. I took the entrance exam this morning. Maybe you saw me. I threw-up afterwards—uh, but that's not what I wanted to talk about! I wanted to ask if I could give some of my points to the kid that saved me at the end of the exam. He had curly green hair and freckles and he was really plain and kinda short and he didn't even look like hero material. I heard everyone talking about how he didn't even get one point, and how he was such a loser. And I thought, wow, he didn't even get _one single point_? That's really embarrassing and sad."

Green Boi frowned. "Wow she is really insulting me."

"But I'm rambling. I really want to give him some of my points because he saved me, and he _is_ hero material. So can I do that? Please? Please? Please?"

Speaker Man laughed. "That's so Rock N' Roll! We actually allow students to do that. Point sharing is actually a common way that people get accepted into UH. But you can't give him points, because you don't have any points to give him."

"Huh?"

"You actually failed."

"Wha?"

"I don't know if you noticed, but you lost points because you hurt others during the exam."

"W-what do you mean?"

Speaker Man turned around to a conveniently located television screen behind him. "Take a look." He played a video that showed Blushy Floaty Girl using her Quirk to make robots float in the air. And when she released the robots, they rained down destruction on the students below.

"Holy shit," Blushy said.

"We were gonna disqualify you, but Sadist Woman argued that it wasn't intentional. Instead, we deducted one thousand points. You're in the negatives. In fact, you would need him to give you points for you to pass."

She didn't say anything. She just started crying, turned around, and left.

 _WHY DID HE SHOW ME THAT?_ Green Boi thought.

"I bet you're wondering why we showed you that. Well, the answer is that you scored the second highest in the exam, and we were wondering if you would like to donate some of your points to her."

Green Boi pounded his hands on his desk. "SECOND HIGHEST!?"

"You're probably confused right now. You see, UH not only awards style points and villain points, but we award rescue points for saving people. You ended up with 5000 total points. So you could give her half of your points, and you both would still be in the top ten high scorers."

Green Boi just shook his head. "I don't believe it."

"If you'd like to help her out, then please stop by the UH admissions office in person to confirm it. You don't have to. It's your choice. Either way, welcome to Plus Ultra Academy High School. Congratulations young man! You earned it."

The screen went blank.

Green Boi's mind went blank for a moment. He buried his face into his hands and sobbed. Upon hearing her son's weeping, Green Mom went into the room. "Oh Precious," she said, hugging him. "It's okay! There's other schools out there."

Green Boi looked up. She realized that he was crying tears of joy. "No, Mom, I got in."


	6. Lies, Lies, Lies

Moms are supposed to be supportive. That's what Green Boi's mom had learned in Mom School, where she had graduated with a Bachelor of Science Degree in Motherhood, with a minor in Housewife Arts.

Moms are supposed to be thrilled when their sons get accepted into a really cool school. But upon watching Green Boi's acceptance video alongside him, she found herself trembling in fear. "That girl, she… she… she accidently killed someone."

But Greenie was too excited about his acceptance to pay attention to his mom. "I'm going to UH!" he said, jumping up and down. "I'm going to UH!"

"But how did…?" She shook her head. "Precious, how did you even pass? She said you saved her? From what? How?"

"Uh…"

"You don't have a quirk, so how could—"

"I do have a quirk!" he insisted.

"You know what I mean!" she shouted. "You can't make things float, you can't breathe fire, you can't even walk without tripping over your own shoes! How the hell did you pass the UH entrance exam?!"

"Uh…" Green Bean hadn't told his mother anything about his training with All American, nor had he told her about his new quirk. All American had asked him to keep it a secret. "Well…" _I can't hide it from her forever, right? I might as well tell her._ "Okay, so one day, after school, All American Blonde Superman saved me from a villain, but I ended up making him release the villain on accident. And the villain captured Explochan, and no one was helping him, but then I jumped in to save him—but I couldn't really help. But at least I tried. And Blonde Superman saw that. That's why he decided to give me his powers. So he and I trained like hell for almost a year, and I had to eat a piece of his hair, and that gave me his super strength. That's what I used to pass the exam."

His mom shook her head. Her face tightened into a scowl. "You think I'm stupid, huh?"

"I'm telling the truth Mom."

"That sounds like the plot of one of your Blonde Superman fanfictions."

He blushed. He hated the fact that his mom had found his stories when he was in 8th grade. To this day, he still didn't know why she was snooping around on his computer, or how she found his fanfiction folder. He had labeled it "Science Reports". Good thing she didn't find the smut in his folder labeled, "History Homework."

"So you're not gonna tell me?" his mom asked.

"Uh…" _I guess I have to lie._ "Okay, so the truth is, uhm, well I noticed that my quirk isn't just quick-wit and critical thinking."

"What do you mean?"

"So, you know how the brain is a muscle?"

"Yeah?"

"Well I started to think that maybe my quirk improved my brain, right? But maybe it can also improve my other muscles."

"I don't understand."

"You know, because I think a lot. Thinking is brain training. It's like I was training my brain all these years, and I got a super brain. So I thought that maybe if I train my other muscles, I'll get super muscles. Like, super strength. And it worked."

His mother gasped. "So that's why you were eating so much and working out so hard!"

Green Boi nodded. "Yeah. It turns out my special ability is the ability to make my muscles really strong, but I have to train them. It's not as flashy as other kids' quirks but—"

Green Mom hugged her Precious Green Child. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Uh…"

"Greenie, I'm your mom. You can tell me anything."

"Um, yeah, I know."

She stroked his cheek. "Is it because I don't support you?"

"Huh?"

"Did you hide it and lie to me because you thought I wouldn't support you?" She sighed. "I'm not being a good mom, am I?"

Green Boi shouted, "Are you kidding? You're literally the world's best mom! You graduated Summa Cum Laude from Mom School!"

"But you know what they don't teach us in Mom School?" she said with a sad smile. "They don't teach us how hard it is to watch your child grow up." She let Green Boi go. "It's your life and I want you to live it the way that makes you happy. If you were willing to go to such great lengths to be a hero, then I believe you can be a hero. Green Bean, you're going to be the world's greatest hero. I can see that now. I'm sorry I didn't see it before." She started to cry.

Green Bean started to cry as well. "M-mom? S-seriously?"

"Yeah!" she nodded, and wiped her face. "Yeah, I mean that. With all my heart."

"WWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" the boy wept, hugging his mother once more. "You don't know how much I've wanted to hear you say that!"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" she cried, squeezing her little boy. "Don't you dare hide stuff from me ever again! I'll always support you no matter what!"

And they held each other and cried because that's how communication is done in the Green Bean household.

…

The next evening, shirtless Green Boi was doing pushups in his room when he received a text from All American Blonde Superman. _Meet me at the beach._

"HE TEXTED ME!" screamed Green Boi.

"Who?" asked his mother, who was down the hall, dusting furniture.

"Uh, Explochan," he lied. He threw on some clothes. "I'm gonna go meet him at the beach." And he ran off.

"What are they doing at the beach this late in the evening?" his mother asked herself. She shrugged. "They have such a weird relationship." And she kept dusting.

…

As soon as Green Boi saw the withered silhouette of All American painted against the background of a serene seaside horizon, he shrieked, "ALL AMERICAN BLONDE SUPERMAN!"

The withered man nearly snapped his neck, turning his head so fast. "Shut the fuck up," he harshly whispered.

Some random couple that was making out on the pier a couple of paces away, stopped kissing and looked up. "All American Blonde Superman?" said the guy. His girlfriend asked, "Where?"

Blonde Superman thumped Green Boi on the back of the head. "Tell them you were just kidding!" he demanded.

So Greenie said, "Never mind! I was just kidding!"

The two groaned. The guy said, "Fuck you!"

"Rude," Green murmured, as he turned his attention back to his mentor. "I'm so excited to see you!"

"I could tell. Geez, kid, you act like I'm coming back from the dead or something. It was just a week."

"Sorry! It's just that you're my favorite hero in the world, and you're training me, and I never thought I'd get this opportunity, and I still can't believe that I'm so lucky, and I have so much to tell you and I'm just so happy and I love you and I worship you—"

All American placed a hand on Green Boi's head, and chuckled. "Relax. Take a breath."

"Right." He smiled as All American ruffled his hair.

"Congratulations on passing the exam."

The delight in Green Boi's eyes reminded All American of his own youth, before he had lost his innocence and half of his body to the cruel villains running amok in this world. The boy said, "I couldn't have done it without you!"

Blonde Superman spat up Crimson Glory Shiny Velvet blood. "I didn't tell the judges to let you into the school!"

"I meant your training and your quirk." Green Boi hadn't even considered that Blonde Superman would use his position at UH to give him an unfair advantage in getting accepted.

"Oh. Right. Of course. Yeah, yeah. Because it's definitely NOT like I told the judges to let you into the school. That'd be SOOOO bad. That would be kind of like cheating. And I did NOT cheat for you. In fact, the judges don't know that I have any connection to you at all. They don't know that you're my student or that I gave you a quirk—they don't even know that I can pass my quirk to someone else. So shut your mouth and don't tell anyone."

"Okay…?" Green Boi felt a little suspicious, but he decided that it would be better for the both of them if he didn't pry further.

The guilt weighed heavily on All American's mind, however, and that would be his curse to bear for the rest of his days. "Yup, you definitely earned that spot all on your own, Young Green Boi," the hero insisted, as if trying to convince himself.

"Thanks for telling me that," said Green Boi, bowing. Then he changed the subject. "So you're teaching at UH? That makes sense. I was wondering why you were here in Typical Japanese City. After all, your hero agency is in Tokyo."

"Yup. I wasn't allowed to talk about it until UH made an official announcement. They're planning to do that tomorrow."

"Oh! So that means you were originally going to give your super powers to a UH student?"

Blondie's eyes widened. "You know what, that would have been a good idea. I hadn't thought about that."

Green Boi fell over in shock. "You don't plan ahead for anything do you?"

Shaking his head, Blonde Superman replied, "When you have godly power, things just tend to work out in your favor. You always show up to a battle just in time, you always meet people who help you out along the way, and you always win. No matter what. You just win."

"Okay. Speaking of battles, I fought a giant robot during the entrance exams."

"I saw that. You looked pretty badass."

"You saw that?"

"Yeah. I watched the entrance exams."

"Alongside the judges?" Green Boi's eyes watered as he realized that maybe All American Blonde Superman had pulled some strings to get him accepted into UH.

"NO! HAHAHA!" Even Withered Blonde Superman's nervous laugh was full of might. "No, I saw it after the fact, because one of the judges thought it was funny and showed the video clip to me."

Green Boi forced himself to believe the words coming out of All American's mouth. "Oh. Right. Well, um, fighting the giant robot broke my legs and my arm. I don't think I can do something like that again. I need to learn how to control your power."

"First of all, it's not my power anymore. It's yours."

"Ah! I get it. You're telling me, in a deep and profound way, that I have to make Deus ex Machina my own, and learn how it works for me in my body."

"No, I'm literally telling you that I transferred all of my power to you and I'm just clinging onto the remnants of it until I lose it completely."

Green Boi chose to ignore that. "Yes, I'll figure out how to make it my own and use it properly. But can I get some advice? How can I control the power output?"

All American shrugged. "I dunno."

"Huh?"

"I'm useless when it comes to actually explaining to you how to use it, because when I got it, I was immediately perfect at using it. I don't know the struggle, and therefore cannot help you."

The two stared at each other in a tense silence. Green Boi nervously waited for All American to say, "Just kidding!"

All American patiently waited for Green Boi to realize that he wasn't going to say, "Just kidding!"

"Oh no," the Green Bean whispered when reality struck him. "Oh no, this is bad."

"You've got a big brain," said All American as he walked away. "Figure it out. Keep training. I'll see you when the school year starts!" He waved goodbye.

Green Boi waved goodbye as well, and quietly panicked.


	7. It's Because He Cares

A couple of days later, UH released the official results of the entrance exams. Green Boi's class was in an uproar upon finding out that both Angry Explodey and Greenie had been excepted into the ultra-exclusive Plus Ultra Academy High School. The students were bouncing in their seats, cheering.

"I can't believe it!" shouted their homeroom teacher. "I can't believe that, not one, but TWO students from Shitty Middle School are going to UH!" The teacher laughed. "And to think you're one of them, Mr. Bean Child. Haha, I honestly thought you'd die during the entrance exams."

 _Is that a laughing matter?_ Green wondered, as the traumatic memories of the exam resurfaced. _No, bury those images deep, deep down in your subconscious._ He told himself. _Dig a deep ditch and never let them out._

Explochan, who apparently just heard about Green Boi's acceptance right then and there, shouted, "Hold up, what the hell did you just say Teach?"

The teacher cowered behind the desk. "Nothing!"

"No, what the fuck did you just say? TWO of us got accepted? And one of them is this asshole?" He pointed to Green Boi.

"Yes sir!"

Explochan yanked Green Boi by the collar of his gakuran jacket and dragged him out of the classroom. No one dared to intervene, because no one dared to cross Angry Explodey Boi. Greenie kicked and screamed as he was dragged all the way to the back of the school, to an abandoned alleyway. He found himself thrown against the outer wall of the school. Angry Boi's hand tightened against his collar. Greenie couldn't breathe.

Angry Boi got closer to Green Boi, leaning forward, getting so close their foreheads touched. Angry Boi made a fist. Green Boi braced himself for the impact.

The wall behind them was the victim this time. Angry Boi punched a hole through solid brick. He was boiling in rage. It was sheer ire the likes of which Green Boi had never seen before. Angry Boi's face was so red that it looked like it could catch fire. "Whoa, dude, calm down," Green Boi said. "Did that hurt? Your quirk is explosions, not super strength."

This time, Green Boi's face fell victim to Angry Boi's punch. "Who the fuck said you can get in to UH?" he roared.

"Fuck! My face!" winced Greenie.

"Oh, I'll fuck your face! Can't take a punch?" Angry punched him again. "Well that sucks ass, because heroes get punched all the fucking time, huh?" Another punch. "How the fuck did a weak ass punk like you get in?" Another punch. "You cheated, huh?" Another punch. "Whose dick did you suck to get in?"

"Explochan! You're hurting me!" shouted Green Boi.

Another punch. Green Boi's lip was bleeding and his cheek was bruised. Angry's eyes were wild, and his fist was trembling as he reared back for another punch. "I'm supposed to be the only kid from Shitty Middle School that's going to UH!" Another punch. "You just had to fuck that all up, huh?" He went in for another punch.

Green Boi caught it.

Angry Boi's eyes doubled in size.

"Stop punching me you violent stupid fuck!" Green shouted. Angry was surprised because Green Boi's voice didn't crack. His eyes didn't waiver. He locked onto Angry Explodey and glared at him.

Angry Boi had never seen that side of Green Boi before.

So Angry listened. He released his friend, but said, "Don't go to the fucking school, ass breath."

"You don't wanna go to the same high school? I thought we were friends." Green Boi laughed. Blood was trickling down his chin, his left cheek was swelling and he had a cut above his eye, but Green Boi was genuinely laughing.

"I fucking hate you," the angry little bomb said as he turned around. He put his hands in his pockets. He marched away.

Then he stopped. He looked over his shoulder. Green Boi wasn't chasing after him. Green Boi was walking in another direction. "You coming?" Angry asked.

"Nah," said Green Boi. "I need to go to the nurse to fix my face. You should come too. Looks like you fucked up your fist."

Angry Boi watched Green Boi leave. Angry Boi balled his hands into fists in his pockets. He felt the blood coating his fingertips. "Damn nerd," he swore as he followed Green Boi to the nurse.

…

At the end of an otherwise quiet school day, Green Bean packed up his notebook and prepared to go home.

But someone grabbed his shoulder tightly. The air was filled with the scent of rage and burning clothing. "Dammit Explochan, stop charring my clothes," Green mumbled, facing his friend.

"You, me, ramen," demanded Angry Boi.

"Oh. Okay. My treat?"

"You think I'm poor, you punk bitch?"

"Fine, fine. You pay. But I'm ordering a big bowl."

Thus the two were eating at a nice little roadside ramen shop. It was the kind of place that had a couple of seats at a counter, and customers could watch the chef make the ramen right in front of them. It was a place that they had visited every so often since they started middle school.

As usual, Angry Boi gulped down noodles angrily. He made a lot of noise as he slurped up the broth. Then he threw his bowl on the floor, shattering it. "MORE!" he demanded. The chef, an old grandpa that had been running this stand for years, laughed. "No one loves my food like this kid does," he said proudly, as he prepared another bowl.

Green Boi liked the food too, but he simply couldn't eat as fast as his friend. Besides, it was hot and he needed to blow on it first. "Hot hot hot," he mumbled, as he slurped a little bit. "Ah! Yum!"

"You eat like a cute little girl!" Explochan yelled. He buried his face in his second bowl.

"You think I'm cute?" teased Precious Green, with a wink.

"The fucking cutest." Angry Boi tilted the food into his mouth. Then he smashed the empty bowl on the floor. "MORE!"

Grandpa Ramen Maker said, "Coming right up."

A light blush settled on Green Boi's face. He ate some more ramen.

When his third bowl arrived, Angry Explodey shoveled the noodles into his mouth. He ate like a pig, and then set down the empty bowl on the counter.

"You done?" asked the Grandpa.

"What do you think Old Man?" Explochan leaned back and exhaled. The old man took the bowl. Explochan watched as Green Boi finished up his food.

He had first met Green Boi when they were very little. The two boys were friends because their moms had been friends back in Mom School. Explodochan and Greenie Beanie were playmates before they were schoolmates, and they had shared the same class in both elementary and middle school.

Yet Angry Boi hadn't realized that until Green Boi had said, _You don't wanna go to the same high school?_

"So you're just chasing after me, is that it?" Angry Boi asked.

Green Boi was handing his empty bowl to the Ramen Grandpa. "Huh?"

"You wanna follow me to high school. Is that it?"

"No. I want to be a hero." With his head held high, Green Boi smiled. "Someone I admire very much told me that I can be a hero. So I'm going to be a hero."

Angry couldn't help but scoff. In his mind, there were only two types of heroes: the ones that could save everyone, and the ones that would die trying. Angry thought of himself as the former. His quirk was strong. Not only that, but he trained himself to be physically powerful too. Angry Boi worked out. He ran, he lifted weights, and he watched martial arts videos on YouTube. He was sure that once he started classes at UH, he'd be a top tier hero in no time.

But Precious Green…

"The food was great, Gramps!" the adorable ball of greenness said to the Ramen Shop Owner. Then he faced Angry Boi. "Ready to go?"

"What do you think you piece of shit? I've been done for over ten minutes." Angry slapped down the money to pay for their meals on the counter. Then he got up and led the way down the street.

He was a fast walker. He always had been. He walked faster than everyone else he knew. He was the one that set the pace during class outings. He was the one that people followed. Same thing in terms of running. He could sprint faster than any student at Shitty Middle School.

But if he were to run an extremely long distance race against Green Boi, Angry Explodey knew he would lose. Green Boi never knew when to give up. No, Green Boi couldn't give up.

He knew that Green Boi was going to go to UH. He knew that Green Boi was going to become a hero. And looking at that dumb, satisfied smile on his friend's face, Angry Boi knew that Green Boi would be the latter type: the kind to die trying to save everyone.

"Grandpa Ramen makes the best ramen, right Explochan?" Green Boi said, while patting his belly. Angry stopped walking. Green Boi bumped into him.

"Don't go to UH," Angry growled. His shoulders were trembling. He was angry. But it was a, a, well, a _higher_ sort of angry. Usually the rage stemmed from his gut, near his stomach. This time, it stemmed from his chest, near his heart. And for some reason, his eyes were stinging. This was a really weird sensation for Angry Boi. It felt like liquid would start dripping from his eye sockets.

"Whoa, are you crying?" Green Boi asked, leaning close to his friend. "What are you crying for?"

"Is that what it is? Is this what they call crying?"

"Uh, yeah. What, you've never cried before?"

"NO! I'M ONLY CAPABLE OF ANGER!" Angry Explodey raised his hands up and blew up a large cloud of smoke and flames. "THIS ISN'T CRYING! THIS IS HIGH ANGER!"

He saw Green Boi roll his eyes. "Okay, so what are you 'high angry' about?"

"Don't go to the fucking school! The entrance exam put you in the fucking infirmary!" He seized his friend by the shoulders and started shaking him. "They said you broke 75 percent of your limbs! How the ass-fucking fuck did you do that? How the fuck did you pass?"

Green Boi kept silent. Angry Boi blinked back his high angry eye water. He shoved his friend away. He kept walking.

He didn't hear footsteps behind him.

He turned around. Green Boi was standing a couple feet behind him. He said, "What are you waiting for?"

"Nothing." Green Boi waved goodbye. "See you tomorrow, Explochan." He walked away in the opposite direction.

…

Angry Boi had always been what some would call a "problem child," or "problematic favorite". He was often described as "loud" or "mean" or "rude" or "violent". In fifth grade, after Angry Explodey had beaten up a classmate, Angry Boi's mom had to come to the school to meet the teacher, and the kid's mom.

"Apologize!" she had demanded of Angry Boi.

"No way! He looked at me funny!"

"What the hell is wrong with you? Even if you don't mean it, just apologize!"

"What the hell is wrong with you? I'm not gonna apologize if I don't mean it! He should apologize to me for looking at me funny!"

"Just apologize and end this embarrassment! Otherwise I'm gonna go to jail, because I'll have to beat the smug look off that bitch's face." She pointed to the victim's mother, who had been giving Angry Mom a _my-kid-is-well-behaved-and-yours-isn't_ look. (Both the mother, the kid, and the principal were in the room while the Angry Mom and Son argued. Needless to say, the kid's mom dropped that smug look really quick.)

The day after his half-assed apology to keep his mother out of jail, Angry Boi was met with admiration by the rest of his classmates. They whispered about him. "He's so cool!" they had said. They had thought he was the most amazing kid in the world.

They treated him like a demi-god. They were cautious around him, speaking to him only when spoken too, and idolizing him from a distance. Plus, it wasn't just kids. Adults did it too. Everyone put Angry Boi on a pedestal.

But that meant that no one hung out with him. In fact, the kid that got beat up ended up with more friends than Angry Boi. Everyone wanted to know how it felt to get punched by the coolest kid in town. But no one sat with Angry Boi at lunch, or played with him at the playground.

Except Green Boi.

"Why'd you have to go beat up Weak Student Number 5?" Greenie asked, while poking Angry Boi on the nose with one of his chopsticks.

"He was looking at me funny."

"How was he looking?"

Angry Boi scrunched up his face like a chipmunk. Green Boi laughed, saying, "I would've beat him up too. Haha."

Explochan rolled his eyes, but he smiled a little.

Angry Boi had never made friends. He made groupies, followers, goons, and flunkies—people who would hang around him, and then leave as soon as they felt the true force of his fury. No one could deal with the magnitude of his attitude.

Except Green Boi.

Angry Boi could fly into a rage and beat the hell out of Green Boi, but he would forgive him the very next day, no, the very next minute. When Angry did that to his goons, they apologized and ran away.

No matter what Angry Boi did, Green Boi would shrug it off. Just this morning he had punched Green Boi so hard that his knuckles bled. Yet they just ate ramen together like it didn't happen. Angry could curse him out, call him names, fight him, scream at him, whatever. But Green Boi never left his side.

Part of Angry Boi suspected that it was only a matter of time before Green Boi realized that he didn't have to deal with his shit anymore. And that's what Angry had thought when Green Boi stopped hanging out with him all year. Angry thought that maybe he had broken the final straw and crossed the final line, and that he had lost his only real friend forever. Angry had thought that he had finally ascended to his destiny of being superior to everyone around him, at the cost of forever being lonely.

Yet today, Green Boi had smiled and said, _I thought we were friends._

Angry Explodey hated to admit it, but he did like eating ramen together with Green Boi. He did like having a buddy to walk home with. He did like reading Green Boi's Blonde Superman fanfiction. He did like the dank memes Green Boi would share with him. He did like the weird way that idiot would mutter to himself. He did like that Green Boi risked his life to save him that day he was in trouble.

It was fun to have a friend. It was fun to have someone that understood him. It was fun to have someone who only mildly feared him, and didn't idolize him, or worship him, or fanboy over him. It was fun to have someone that treated him like a human being.

And it might be fun to go to the same high school as that person.

"Damn nerd," Angry said to himself, as he continued his walk home.


	8. Introducing: My Classmates!

The wind blew gently this bright April morning, carrying with it the scent of new-school-year cherry blossoms. Green Boi awoke in a cheerful mood. Today would be his first day attending his dream high school.

After getting dressed, Green Boi double checked his backpack to make sure he had everything. His mother watched fretfully. She said, "It's your first day of school, Precious Green. Don't be late."

"I won't Mom."

"Don't take any shortcuts. Stay on the main road and don't go into the alleys."

"Yes Mom."

"Did you pack everything? It's not just action figures, right?"

Green Boi frowned. He had filled his backpack with All American Blonde Superman action figures on the first day of school in third grade. He had wanted to show his collection to all the other kids at school. To this day, she would ask him about that at the beginning of each school year, just to tease him. "Come on Mom, I have everything I need. Now I gotta go."

He opened the front door.

"Green Bean!"

"Whaaaaaat Mom?"

She sniffled. Green Mom had promised herself that she'd be strong, but she just couldn't help but cry. "I'm so proud of you."

The tears were contagious. Now Green Boi was crying. "Aw thanks Mom!" he sobbed, as he hugged her. "I'll be back soon, kay?" After a final squeeze, he was off.

…

 _How the hell am I late?_ Green Boi asked himself as he ran through the hallways. The entire UH campus was empty, because everyone had already gone to their homeroom class. Green Boi felt utterly stupid being the only one running down the halls, looking for his classroom. "1-A? Where the hell is 1-A!?" He panicked. He didn't want to be known as the idiot who was late to class on his first day.

Finally, he found it. He exhaled. He looked at the door. _Well, here is the start of my high school career._ He slid open the door.

He walked right into an argument.

"Take your feet off of that desk, now!" demanded Glasses Guy. He was standing beside a desk where an uncivilized student was kicking back, relaxing like he was at home. And that student was none other than Angry Boi. "HUUUUH?" Angry Boi smirked as he leaned further back in his chair. He crossed his legs on top of his desk.

"It's the first day and you're already disrespecting this academy by scuffing school property, you cretin!"

Angry chuckled. "You're kidding me, right? Your old school put a stick up your ass or were you born with it?"

"…" Glasses Guy was utterly shocked at the complete lack of respect that this kid had for both him and the school. It didn't make sense. Surely no one with such a bad attitude would get accepted into UH, right? Glasses Guy was so confused that he had to take a step back and reanalyze the situation. He started thinking that maybe he himself was in the wrong for approaching this student in such a harsh way. So he placed a hand over his chest and said, "Let's start over. I'm Glasses Guy Engine Legs from Rules and Regulations Private Middle School."

"R and R Middle, huh? So you must think you're better than me?" Angry leaned forward. "I'm gonna have fun tearing you a new one."

"I-is that your actual canon English dialogue?" Glasses Guy backed away, raising his arms to shield himself from Angry's delinquent aura.

Angry rolled his eyes. At the peak of his eye roll, he happened to see Green Boi. He stared at Green Boi. Then Glasses Guy stared at Green Boi. "It's him!"

The entire class, which had been enjoying the show between Angry and Glasses, turned to look at what those two were looking at. Green Boi blushed. "Ahhhh! Don't pay attention to me! I'm just walking into class late because I couldn't find my classroom. Haha…"

Glasses Guy marched toward the Green Bean. "Hi, I'm Glasses Guy Engine Legs from Rules and Regulations Private Middle—"

"I heard! I heard you say it. Haha, I'm Precious Green Bean Child. Nice to meet you."

"Bean Child-kun, you realized that there was something more to the practical exams, didn't you?" Glasses Guy gestured authoritatively with his hands. "I thought you were a pathetic, mumbling, cowardly loser. But now I realize that you're very perceptive. I completely misjudged you. It pains me to admit it, but you're a superior student than I am."

"Why are you insulting me?" Green Boi mumbled.

Meanwhile, another student was trying to make her way to class. "Jesus Christ, I'm so late!" she wailed. "Why is this school such a fucking maze?! I'll never find class 1-A!" She ran past a semi-open door, and saw someone standing in the doorway. She stopped running and backtracked. She gasped. "Oh, I'd recognized that messy, unkempt hair from anywhere!"

Green Boi wondered, _Is today Insult The Green Bean Day?_ He turned around to face her. Then he gasped. It was the pretty Blushy Floaty Girl from the exam. She said, "Oh my gosh! Thank you for giving me some of your points! I can't believe it! If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have gotten in! Thank you so much! Also you were so freaking awesome! That punch was so amazing." She punched her fist into the air. "You just knocked the fuck out of that giant zero-point robot and you looked so cool! That's the flashiest super power I've ever seen!"

Being in the presence of a pretty female character that wasn't his own mom made Green Boi extremely nervous. So he covered his face and mumbled, "Um you're welcome just don't be stupid with your quirk next time."

Angry Boi overheard, and said to himself, "He knocked the fuck out of that giant robot? How could that rotten Green Bean knock the fuck out of a giant robot? What flashy power is she talking about? And how could he have points to spare to give to that dumb broad?" His scowl intensified. "He's not telling me something. But I'll find out. And when I do, I'm gonna ruin that little bastard."

Blushy said, "Yeah, I learned my lesson. I need to be smarter about how I use my quirk, haha. I still can't believe I hurt a lot of people and actually literally killed someone on accident. Oh well. Shit happens, am I right? I still feel really bad about it, but I'll just keep smiling and push the guilt down. I'll push it deep, deep, deep down until it all goes away. Yup. Haha. Oh, by the way, do you know where class 1-A is? I need to get to my homeroom."

"This is 1-A," said Glasses Guy.

"Oh shit! I found it! Yay! And I'm only ten minutes late!"

"Oh fuck me," grumbled something behind the students. Blushy, Glasses, and Greenie turned around to see a giant caterpillar writhing on the floor in the hallway. They all jumped into the classroom and stared at it. The rest of the class 1-A students joined in to spectate. The caterpillar squirmed, and grunted.

"It's evolving," said Blushy.

"No, it's giving birth," said Glasses Guy.

"No, it's your fucking teacher," said Ninja Eyes Sensei, climbing out of the sleeping bag he was in. He sighed. "Which is unfortunate, because you guys look like a bunch of assholes."

Angry Boi complained, "Don't lump me into the same category as all these clowns."

"I'm sorry." Ninja-sensei's voice was dripping in sarcasm. "I meant to call you a _fucking_ asshole."

"Says the shit-faced loser who was camping in the hallway. What, you live in the school you homeless bastard?"

Everyone gave Angry Boi the evil eye. Glasses Guy said, "Don't argue with the teacher, you moron!"

Ninja Eyes shrugged. "No, that's fine, because I'm gonna be a dick and force all of you to do a fitness test instead of going to the high school orientation ceremonies."

Everyone, including Angry Boi, leaned forward to gawk at the teacher.

…

The students were standing in a field, dressed in their gym uniforms, grumbling about missing the first day festivities.

"Everyone, shut up," said Ninja Eyes-sensei. "First of all, let's introduce ourselves. Give me your name and the name and explanation of your superpower. That'll make life easier for all of us." He pulled out a baseball from his pockets and tossed it up and down. "I'm Ninja Eyes. My quirk is called Eye Candy. I can erase other people's quirks just by looking at them. It also makes my hair and my magical scarf float. I don't know the physics of it exactly, but I can whip around my scarf and it looks really cool."

Green Boi gasped. "That means you're the silent hero of the night, Ninja Eyes! You fight crime, but you don't like being in the spotlight because you're really shy and you look messy all the time!"

"Why do you kids keep insulting me?" He tossed the ball to Green Boi. "You next. Introduce yourself."

Green Boi hesitated. "Oh, um…" _What should I say about my quirk?_ He glanced at Angry Boi. _Explochan is gonna freak when I say I have super strength…_ "My name is Precious Green Bean Child. Originally I thought my quirk was being really smart, but I found out that my quirk improves my muscles, including my brain. So I trained my body really hard and now I have super strength. I used to call it Mutter Mutter, but I'm thinking of a better name now."

Explochan shouted, "Bullshit."

Blushy said, "That's a dumb name."

"No you stupid bitch, I'm calling bullshit on his lies." Angry pointed at Green Bean. "Bull. Shit!"

Green Boi insisted, "It's true!"

"No fucking way. The brain isn't even a muscle. It's an organ." If there was one subject Angry Boi actually paid attention to, it was anatomy.

"Ah, uh, well technically it is an organ, but scientists say that it has the functional properties of a muscle in that it can be trained and—"

"Either way, it's fucking bullshit. You don't have quirk, you quirkless bastard." He huffed and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

Ninja Eyes asked, "You two done with your little lovers quarrel?" He snatched the ball from Green Boi and handed it to Angry Boi. "You next."

Explochan torched the ball a little in the palm of his hand. "I'm Angry Explodey Boi. My quirk is Rage. I make explosions using the sweat from my palms." He threw the ball at Glasses Guy. "Your turn."

Holding the ball firmly in both hands, Glasses Guy said, "I'm Glasses Guy Engine Legs. My quirk is Big Calves. I have motor engines in my calves because my Mom is a human and my Dad is Optimus Prime, the Transformer. As you can see, I come from a proud line of superheroes." He handed the ball to Blushy, because she happened to be standing beside him. She asked, "How did that work out? Like, did your mom really get pregnant by a robot?"

Glasses Guy nodded.

"And I thought furries were weird," she mumbled. "Anyway, my name is Blushy Floaty Girl and my Quirk is Anti-Physics. I can make things float, or make them weightless, or stop gravity or whatever explanation is convenient for my quirk at the time." She handed the ball to the next kid.

"I'm Pikachu Dude," said Pikachu Dude. "My quirk is Static Shock. I can electroshock my enemies. I could be pretty powerful, but I rarely use it effectively. Typically, I use it once during the battle and then I'm useless for the rest of the time."

Next was, "Duct Tape Guy. My quirk is Elbow Grease. I can shoot tape out of my elbows. I don't get much screen time so we don't know much more about me." The ball kept being passed around to the students of class 1-A.

"I'm Bird Guy. And this is Little Peepers." He pointed to his belly, where a bird-shaped-silhouette made of dark matter resided. "When I was seven-years-old I sold my human face to a Tengu in exchange for the power to use the demon spirit of a bird. Now I have the face of a crow, or a black Zapdos, or something. I call my power: My Unholy Birden."

"I'm Six Arms. I have six arms. My power is Six Arms. I can manipulate the body parts that appear on the tip of my six arms. If someone cuts off one of the manipulated appendages, they grow back. That's important later on for season 3 of the anime."

"I'm Rich Tits. My quirk is called Fuck The Law Of Conservation Of Mass. I can create stuff from my skin. That gives me the excuse to be half naked all the time. I personally don't think that showing skin is sexual at all, but you know how perverts are."

"Speaking of sexual perverts, I'm Most Hated Grape Baby. My quirk is Everyone In The Fandom Hates Me But I'm Still Sticking Around. I can pop off these weird balls that grow from the top of my head and stick them places. They won't let go unless I make them let go. It's really annoying, just like me."

"On the opposite end of the spectrum, I'm Everyone's Favorite Frog Girl. But you can call me Froakie. My quirk is that I'm a frog, basically. It's called Frogger."

Blushy wondered, "Does she technically count as a furry?"

The next student said, "I'm Spikey Red Head Dude. I can turn my body hard as a rock. It's called Rock Hard."

"I'm Honey Sweet Laser Belly. Using my quirk, Sweet Charming Laser Blast, I can shoot lasers out of my belly."

"I'm Martial Arts Kid. My quirk is called Tail. I have a tail. That's it." He sighed.

Ninja Eyes groaned. "How many more of these do I have to sit through? This is a long chapter."

"Then let's speed run it!" shouted a pink-skinned girl as she snatched baseball. "Just say your name, your quirk, and one sentence description! Go! Alien Queen Pinky. pH Balance. I shoot acid." She threw the ball to the next student.

"Oh, um, Headphone Girl! Plug It In. I do music and sound junk that's convenient to the plot."

"Sugar Daddy. Sugar Steroids. I get super strength when I eat sugar."

Blushy commented, "Another super strength kid? That's lazy writing."

"Hey, shut up. Why don't you try to create a class of 20 unique characters?" He tossed the ball to the next student.

"+Anima. Lesser Being Mind Control. I can control all living things except for humans, but I'm working on that."

Finally, the ball landed in the hands of a student who would be getting a decent amount of screen time. "I'm Half White Prince Zuko. My power is Avatar, But With Only Two Elements. I can make fire on my left side and ice on my right side."

Blushy said, "I think you have it switched."

"Trust me, by the time this fanfiction is finished, I would have gotten it wrong a million times." Half Prince tossed the ball back to Ninja Eyes Sensei, who yawned. "Well I'm glad we got that shit out of the way," said the teacher. "Alright, so next we're—"

A floating pair of clothes hovered up and down. "Don't forget about me!"

"Miss Floaty Girl, please release your quirk on those clothes."

"I'm not doing that," she replied.

"Alright, then who's the smart ass that's making the clothes float?"

The floating clothes said, "It's me! Invisible Girl. My quirk is Always Invisible. I'm always invisible."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

Ninja Eyes leered at her and erased her quirk. She looked like a normal girl, but with really, really, really, really long hair. It was a thick, voluminous blue mass that sprouted from her head like a water fountain, encasing her like a thicket of briar. Imagine the Pokémon Tangela. She looked like a human Tangela. But don't get her confused with Vine Girl from class 1-B that appears later on in the series.

"Oh," Ninja Eyes was legitimately surprised. "Okay. I thought someone was pranking me."

Invisible Girl looked at her arms. She started to tremble. "Holy shit. I've never seen my own body before." She started to cry. "Oh my god. Someone take a picture! Someone take a picture! I'm not invisible! Show me what I look like!" She wept tears of joy. "Oh my god!"

Even Ninja Eyes has a soft side, so he allowed Invisible Girl to take a lot of pictures with her classmates to commemorate her first day of high school, and her first day NOT being always invisible.

…

 **A/N: When I was in middle school, I read a manga called "Translucent", which was about a girl that sometimes turned invisible. She couldn't control it and she hated it. So when I think of Invisible Girl in My Hero Academia, I legitimately feel sorry for her.**


	9. Ninja Eyes' Mini Chunin Exam

"Okay," began Ninja Eyes, after releasing his quirk on Invisible Girl, "I know that all of you passed a harsh and intense entrance exam, but because I actually care about your future and don't want to give you false hopes about entering the hero business, I'm going to test you again. Therefore, we're gonna do a series of eight mini-games that test your super powers."

Duct Tape Guy said, "Mini-games? That sounds fun."

"Fun?" Ninja Eyes smirked. "Oh, you assholes want a little bit of fun, huh? How about I make it even more exciting? Whoever scores the lowest out of everyone gets expelled from school."

Everyone gasped.

Blushy asked, "Wait, are you serious?"

He nodded. "Yeah. I'm allowed to run this class however I want."

"But, no, that doesn't make sense," she argued. "Wouldn't the principal have the final say on expulsion of students?"

"Then call me Principal Ninja Eyes."

"That's not fair!"

"Oh, and like you're the one who gets to pick what's fair, huh? Get over it. Life isn't fair. Natural disasters aren't fair. Unregulated capitalism isn't fair. The entrance exam isn't fair. You think you actually deserve a slot in this classroom, Miss Floaty Girl?"

She shut up.

Everyone in the class became nervous. Glasses Guy pulled out a water bottle from his ridiculously deep pockets, and took a sip. _I don't approve of this._ He thought. _I don't approve of how he talks to us students, I don't approve of his shabby appearance, and I don't approve of his methods of teaching. We should all be at the Freshmen Orientation Ceremonies, not stressing over a test that he's giving us on a whim, which could cost us our slot in UH. I simply don't approve of this. And since I am an authority figure, I should tell him that I don't approve of this. But I'm not going to tell him because I don't want to get expelled. But I don't approve of this, and I want it to be known that I don't approve._

Angry Boi glanced at Green Boi. The Green Bean seemed panicked. He was trembling and muttering to himself. A vicious grin spread across Angry's face. "Alright, Teach, I'll go first!" he declared. "And I'll show the rest of these little shits the definition of true power."

"Oh god, I hope you get some character development," complained Ninja-sensei. He tossed the ball to Angry Boi. "The first test will be Ball Throw. Let me explain the rules. First, you have to stand in the middle of this circle." He pointed to a circle drawn in chalk on the field. Then he pulled out a cellphone. "The ball has a sensor in it that can tell me how far it's been thrown. You're allowed to use your quirk to throw the ball as far as possible. After everyone has thrown the ball the app will convert the distance into point values out of a possible 1000 points, based on the statistical distribution."

Green Boi said, "Ah, so then points are awarded based on ranking."

Ninja Eyes nodded. "Yes. They'll be calculated based on ranking for each of the eight mini-games. Then the total points for all mini-games will be added together for the overall score."

"Meaning that the person who comes in last place overall would have been last, or close to the bottom, in all the events. So that means that if I score on the higher end of the spectrum in a couple of events, and completely bomb the other few, I'll be safe—assuming that there's a student in the class that will consistently be lower ranked. However, if the positions of the students vary highly between each mini-game, which is a possibility—"

"SHUT UP!" Angry roared. "I'm throwing!" He leaned all the way back, like a Pokémon trainer from the year 2001 getting ready to throw a pokeball. "NNYOOOOOOM!" he shouted, as he chucked the ball into the air. He added a boost of explosive power. His intention was to launch the baseball like a rocket… but he accidently burnt it up.

Its ashes sprinkled down on the ground. Explodey Boi stared at it. Ninja Eyes stared at it. The entire class stared at it.

"I should expel your ass right now," said Ninja-sensei.

"Shut up you scraggly bastard!" Explochan retorted. "I demand a do-over! I'm TOO powerful, that's the problem!"

"No the problem is that you're an idiot. Why the hell would you think that you could Rage on a baseball without destroying it?"

"You need a better fucking baseball! One that's flame-proof!"

"Explosions are different than flames!"

"You don't even know what you're talking about! Where'd you get your teaching degree? Eat Ass University?"

Green Boi spoke up. "No, Explochan, he's right. You see, explosions have a component of mechanical energy. Explosions are basically rapid increases in pressure, so it's the impact of the explosion that broke the ball apart. Then the resultant fire burnt it to bits. So even if it was flame proof, you would have made baseball chunks everywhere."

"You don't know what you're talking about either! You don't know shit about science!"

"The lady writing this fanfiction has a Bachelor's degree in Biochemistry. I think I know what I'm talking about Explochan."

"Well fuck you and fuck her. Doesn't she have better things to do than question the physics of this anime?"

Green Boi whispered, "Please don't say that. She's a vengeful goddess."

"No! Fuck her! Does she watch this shit and say, 'Whoa, no way that would have happened! That baseball would've burned up!' Does she lose sleep at night thinking about it? Does she research the properties of explosions just to satisfy her curiosity? And what does it even matter? **We're based in a world where people have super powers**! How can she accept that fact, but she can't suspend her disbelief over a stupid, fucking baseball?"

Ninja Eyes rolled his ninja eyes and said, "Either way, you failed."

"NO! I DEMAND A DO-OVER!" Angry Explodey raged. "DO-OVER!"

"We can't have a do-over! We can't even keep playing this mini-game because you destroyed my baseball! Where the hell am I gonna get another baseball!?"

"Why do you only have one baseball? How the hell did you expect to play this mini-game with one, single baseball?"

To shut them up, Rich Tits decided to create another baseball—this time, a flame-proof, extra-sturdy, explosion-resistant superball.

And yet again, Angry Explodey tossed the ball like a gunshot, arching it high into the air with a boost of explosive power.

It survived this time. And Ninja Eyes was actually quite startled because, "It's over 9000! Meters." He scowled. As annoying as Angry Boi was, he was strong, and his power was actually really flashy. He faced the rest of his students. "Miss Tits, can you make a couple dozen more of those baseballs?"

Each student took turns throwing the balls. Some students, like Six Arms and Sugar Daddy, were just really strong, so they had no problem throwing the ball really far. Some students were extremely creative in throwing the ball. For instance, +Anima summoned a seagull to carry the ball all the way to the beach. Rich Tits shot it out of a cannon (an idea which was inspired by Angry Boi's explosive throw). Prince Zuko threw it up like he was serving a tennis ball, froze it in ice, and then used his ice spike powers to zoom it all the way out of the school grounds.

Some student's quirks were useless for this mini-game. For instance, Duct Tape Guy, Alien Queen, Pikachu Dude and a couple of other students just had to throw it. Blushie's quirk was perfect for this. She made the ball float until it reached outer space.

The last kid to throw was Green Boi. Angry Boi watched with excitement as his friend stood in the center of the circle, holding the baseball. But Angry's smug look faded when he saw a determined look appear on Green Boi's face. He wondered, _What's that asshole planning to do?_

He saw Green Boi get ready to throw, using perfect pitcher position. Angry Boi creased his eyebrows. _Don't tell me he actually has super strength?_

Green Boi hurled the ball…. like the pathetic weakling Angry Explodey thought he was. It barely left the little circle where he was standing. Greenie exclaimed, "HUH!?" while a sigh of relief escaped Explodey's mouth. _For a second there, I thought this asshole actually had super strength._ Then he heard Ninja Eyes say to Green Boi, "I erased your quirk just then. I'm not letting you wreck your entire arm just to throw a ball. If you can't use your quirk like a sensible human being, then I'm expelling you right now."

Angry Boi's ears did a double take. _What did he say? Wreck his arm?_

Green Boi got nervous again. He started muttering to himself. Angry Explodey knew Greenie well enough to understand what was going on. Green Boi's actions followed a similar pattern. First of all, Panic. Green Boi's eyes would widen and he'd tremble and he'd fidget and shrink away, as if apologizing for his own existence. Second, Think. He would mutter. Sometimes he would talk aloud, like he was having a conversation with someone. Third, Decide. This was the phase when Greenie would calm down. He'd get quiet. Fourth. Act. He'd do something. Something crazy.

With a nod of his head, Green Boi once again assumed perfect pitcher position. Angry Boi took a step forward. He watched as Greenie YEETED the baseball so high into the sky that it twinkled like a star.

"Oh, wow," said Ninja Eyes, glancing at his phone. He approached Green Boi. "And your arm looks good—oh, no, I spoke to soon." He grabbed Green Boi's right hand and inspected the index finger. "You put all your power into your index finger right as you released the ball, huh? That's clever. You're really smart. I would have never thought of that. But you still wrecked your body using your own quirk, so technically, you're still useless."

Green Boi, who was wincing in pain, nodded. "Yeah, but that's all I can do for now. Honestly, I'm still learning how to control my quirk. I know it's stupid, and I know I'm pretty useless right now, but I swear, if you just give me the chance, I'll improve. Please, just give me a chance."

Angry Explodey saw the skeptical look on their teacher's face. _Come on, kick the little bastard out of the school right now._

"Well let's see how you do in the other mini-games," decided the teacher.

 _WHAT?!_

None of this made sense to Angry Boi. It made his angry from the deepest, darkest depths of his gut. He had only been angry like this once, and that was in 5th grade, when he had beaten up that kid who was looking at him funny. "Green Boi you piece of shit!" he yelled as he charge-rushed toward Precious Green, ready to punch his lights out.

Ninja Eyes' scarf snagged Explodey Boi, and pulled him back. "What the hell is wrong with you? I'm seriously concerned."

"What the hell is wrong with your scarf? Why is it so damn strong?!" Angry tried to fight his way out of it.

"Stand down."

Angry Boi growled like a pit bull.

Meanwhile, Green Boi scuttled back to his position in the crowd, where Blushy said, "Whoa! That was so fucking cool! But ouch, your finger looks like you slammed a door on it a couple of times. That must hurt real bad."

"I'm fine," he replied, his face turning red. "You really think I'm cool?"

"Mhmm!" she nodded. "The fucking coolest!"

"Aw man, she thinks I'm cool," he squealed.

Angry Explodey seethed in anger. He was angry while he did mini-game number two, the 10-meter dash. He was angry while he did mini-game number three, the long jump. He was angry during mini-game four, the hand-grip strength tester. He was angry during mini-game number five, side-stepping. He was angry during mini-game number six, sit-ups. He was angry during mini-game number seven, pull-ups. He was angry while the teacher explained the rules for the final mini-game, duck-duck-goose.

"For this mini-game," began Ninja-sensei, "we all sit in a large circle. One person will be the hunter. The hunter will walk around the circle, tapping students on their head. If the hunter calls you a duck when he taps you on the head, you remain sitting. If he calls you a goose, then you are to get up and chase him around the circle, and try to catch him before he sits in the seat that was yours. If you catch him, he's out, and you become the hunter. If he sits down, then he's safe, and you still become the hunter."

Green Boi muttered, "So that means you can only lose if you're the hunter. Meaning your best chance of winning is to not get picked as goose. And if you're the hunter, the best strategy would be to choose a goose who you think won't catch you."

Blushy said, "He's overthinking a simple child's game."

Bird Guy said, "I always enjoy a good game of duck-duck-goose."

"Me too, but how the hell does this test our super hero capabilities?" asked Pikachu Dude.

Ignoring the question, Ninja Eyes said, "I'll be the hunter first. Everyone sit in a circle."

The class formed the duck-duck-goose ring. Ninja Eyes began pacing around it. "Duck. Duck. Duck. Duck," he said, passing by Prince Zuko, Engine Legs, Duct Tape Guy and +Anima. "Goose." He tapped Angry Boi's head.

Angry didn't even stand up. His legs were still crossed as he launched himself with the palm of his hands, toward Ninja Eyes, like an angry rocket. Ninja Eyes sidestepped, barely dodging Angry Explodey. With his scarf, Ninja Eyes grabbed the boy in mid-air, and swung him across the field. Angry tumbled into the dirt while Ninja Eyes took Angry's spot. "By the way, the hunter can fight the goose, and vice versa."

Angry pounded the ground. "FUCK!" He stood up and stomped back to the ring. "DUCK, DUCK, DUCK" Angry yelled, slapping the back of his fellow classmate's heads. "DUCK. DUCK." He neared his arch-nemesis/friend. His frown turned upside down. "DUCK. ANOTHER FUCKING DUCK. AND GUESS WHAT?" He smacked Green Boi upside the head. "LOOKS LIKE IT'S A GOODDAM GOOSE!" Explochan took off running.

"He always picks me!" complained Green Boi as he bolted from the ground, and chased him.

Angry Boi used his explosive hands to give himself a boost as he ran. His eyes were focused on the empty spot where Green Boi had been sitting. _He'll never catch me!_ he thought as he pretty much flew toward Green Boi's spot in the circle.

To his surprise, Green Boi tackled him from the front. The two rolled on the ground. Green Boi wrapped his hands around Angry Boi's waist like the later was a floatation device and both were lost at sea.

The class gasped.

Alien Queen shouted, "Whoa! What happened? I spaced out."

Glasses Guy said, "Initially Bean Child-kun was chasing Explodey Boi-kun around the circle in the clockwise direction. But after two seconds, he realized that that he's too slow and would never catch Explodey Boi-kun. Instead, he simply changed directions, going counter-clockwise, and colliding with him the very second before he took Bean Child-kun's spot!"

Angry gaped at his ridiculous friend. "He can't do that!"

Ninja Eyes-sensei shrugged. "I said all he had to do was catch you. I didn't say how."

"So… I'm out?"

"Yep."

Angry Boi was in shock. Green Boi let him go and said, "Sorry!" And hurried back to the circle to take his turn as hunter.

So Angry Boi was angry while he watched his classmates play duck-duck-goose.

But he was a little less angry when Ninja Eyes announced the rankings. That's because Green Boi ranked the lowest, while Angry Boi scored third, right behind Prince Zuko and Rich Tits.

"What? I'm ranked below Invisible Girl-chan?" Green Boi exclaimed. "But her quirk just makes her invisible. She doesn't have any physical power boosts. I definitely ran faster than her in the 10-meter dash and threw the ball farther than her."

Invisible Girl overheard him, "You punk ass bitch, you were hoping that I'd suck? Well fuck you. I'm really athletic. I beat you in the long jump, the sit-ups and the side-steps. Even my grip strength was better than yours! If anything, you should be surprised you ranked below Most Hated Grape Baby."

Grape Baby nodded. "Yeah, I seriously thought that I was going home today." He turned to face the camera and gave us a thumbs up. "But I guess I'm still sticking around!" He winked.

Alien Queen fought the urge to spew acid at him.

Green Boi fought the urge to cry.

Ninja Sensei fought the urge to yawn. He lost, and he yawned and stretched out his arms. "Alright students, make sure you pick up your class syllabus before you go home. Read it over before school tomorrow."

They all gaped at him.

Silence.

Blushie dared to ask, "What about expelling someone?"

He shrugged. "I changed my mind."

"YOU CHANGED YOUR MIND!?" they all repeated.

Ninja Eyes nodded. "You kids are interesting. I think I'll keep all of you." He walked away. "Now run along before I change my mind again."

Angry Boi yelled, "This is bullshit!" and detonated a few mini-explosions on his hands. "You bastard, you better kick that Green Bean Bitch out of this school or I'll kick your ass!"

Red Head Dude, Glasses Guy, Prince Zuko and Six Arms grabbed Explodey Boi and held him back before he did something stupid. The rest of the students marched away, chatting amongst themselves, saying, "So he stressed us out over nothing?"

Ninja Eyes smirked as he left the field. "It's gonna be a fun year."

…

 **Author's Note: What's the fun of making a parody if you can't make fun of yourself?**


	10. Slash It!

All American Blonde Superman had been in the teachers' office the WHOLE DAY, reading the material to prepare himself for his first day of teaching classes tomorrow. He yawned and stretched, and drank a little bit of soda. "Alright, so I think I understand the curriculum now," he told himself. "Ugh, I'm starting to regret becoming a teacher. This shit is difficult. What else do I have to read?" He had a couple more packets of information about school policy, emergency preparedness plans, and a handbook on conflict resolution skills. There was also a booklet that had the word SECRET written on the front cover, in large, bold, red-and-yellow lettering.

"Just let the whole world know it's a secret," All American said, reaching for that one. It was a directory with all the information of the teachers at UH, and their students. "Wow, there is a lot of personal data in here. Birthdays, descriptions of their quirks, height, weight. Yeah, this is SECRET." He flipped through it. "Oh, Green Boi hasn't updated his quirk in the official registry yet. It still says here that his quirk is Mutter Mutter. Let's see who his teacher is…"

All American saw that Green Boi was in Ninja Sensei's class. "Ninja Eyes, the ninja teacher. This teacher is known to erase student's quirks temporarily with his eyes. He is also known to expel students for pissing him off or not meeting his expectations. He once expelled an entire class of first year students because they made a Harlem Shake video during homeroom class." All American's eyes widened. "They let him expel an entire class?" He looked out the window. "I hope Green Boi is okay with this teacher…"

…

In her office, Nurse Kisses kissed Green Boi's little ouchie on his finger. "MWAAAH! There, all better, right?"

"Yup!" replied the most Precious Child. "Thanks a lot Nurse Kisses!"

"You're welcome. Although it really seems like you're having trouble controlling your quirk."

"Yeah, I am. Hehe…"

"That's not good. Do you expect to become a hero when you can't do something without hurting yourself?"

"I'm gonna learn to control it. I promise."

"Okay. But don't let me see you here tomorrow." She seemed to be joking, but she also had a touch of concern in her voice.

"Oh. Right. Sorry. Um, and thanks again."

He left the office, wondering, _What the hell am I gonna do about Deus ex Machina? I need to learn how to control it._ "Oh, fuck me," he exhaled.

"Oh I'll fuck you," retorted the world's angriest teenager. Angry Boi had been squatting, waiting outside the nurse's office. Again. He stood up and shoved Green Boi.

Green Boi scratched the back of his head. "Okay, we seriously need to talk about this very inappropriate language Explochan. It's getting out of hand."

"You're the asshole going around shouting 'fuck me, fuck me' all the time. You damn nerd."

"It's an expression, you piece of shit!" Green Boi slumped his shoulders. "Come on, Explochan, you're not supposed to tell people you're going to fuck them."

"I'd actually do it, so watch your fucking back." He stormed away, making sure to bump shoulders against Green Boi as he left.

And Green Boi gaped at his friend. _Was that a threat or a confession?_ He debated whether to follow Explochan and ask, but he decided against it, because _Do I really want to know?_ Instead, he watched Explochan turn the corner and disappear from sight.

"It was a bad breakup, huh?" someone asked.

"!" Green Boi hadn't noticed someone approach him from behind.

The person was Spikey Red Head Dude. "Oh, sorry, did I startle you?"

"Yeah, a little," replied Precious Green. "It's no problem. Hehe. But what do you mean by bad break up?"

"Between you and Angry Explodey? You two were boyfriends or something, right?"

"AHH! NO!" Green Bean shook his head quickly. "No, we're just friends!"

"Really? Because your relationship seems borderline romantic."

"No way! Can't two guys be close friends and really care about each other without being involved romantically?"

"Well yeah. In a lot of cultures, bonds of friendships are very intimate. In fact, in Japan, friendship is a highly affectionate and highly valued type of interpersonal relationship. That's why the theme of "friends give me power" is often stressed in Japanese media, like anime. However, in American media, in general, the level of intimacy displayed in friendships is lesser, especially in male-male friendships. Again, I'm speaking in generalizations. That's why, in general, when two men are portrayed as being very close or affectionate in a non-romantic way, Americans tend to project a romantic aspect to it. To them, that sort of intimacy is reserved only for romantic relationships. And that's not necessarily a good or a bad thing. That's just an example of cultural differences across the world. And the more we grow to understand our differences, the more we find out how similar we actually are as a human race."

"Oh." Green Boi was a little surprised by that mini-lecture. "Um… that got very educational very quickly."

"Ah, yeah, sorry about that." Spikey Dude scratched the back of his head. "I'm interested in other cultures and stuff. I'm kind of a nerd for learning about different countries and their food and languages and practices."

"Is that canon?"

He shrugged. "I dunno. Probably not."

The two began walking down the hall, toward the school's entrance. Green Boi said, "Well either way, that's cool! Are you thinking of studying abroad?"

"Yeah. I'm actually looking into Hero Exchange Programs. I'm thinking about going to the UK. I'm even learning some English."

"Awesome! I hope you get in."

"Thanks! Uh, what were we talking about?"

"I can't even remember."

"Something about male intimacy—oh yeah! Are you gay or nah?"

Green Boi shook his head. "I don't think so. I have a huge crush on Blushy Floaty Girl." He tapped his chin. "But, now that I look back on it, I did have a phase when I wrote a lot of immature smut about All American Blonde Superman."

"Same! That's how I realized that I sit on the other side of the seesaw. Haha."

"Do you post them?"

"My smutty, smutty stories?"

"Yeah."

"Nah, I keep them to myself." Red Head chuckled. "They aren't that good."

"Neither are mine. But if there's one thing I've learned about writing fanfiction, it's that there's at least one person who might like my shitty stuff." Greenie chuckled. "I'd like to be that one person for you."

Spikey Red placed a hand on his chest and cooed, "AWWW! You are just so adorable. Now I see why he's in love with you."

"Who?"

"Angry Explodey."

"In love with me?" Green Boi shook his head. "No way."

Red Head blinked. "You seriously don't notice? He's got mad feels for you, man."

"No way. Stop trying to turn this into a slash fic. It's supposed to be comedy."

"It's supposed to be trash, honestly."

"Well I _don't_ want to be in a slash fic," stated Green Boi defiantly, as if he had any say in the matter.

"Okay, okay, fine." Spikey Red nodded. "So you won't mind if I chase after him?"

"Who?"

"Angry Explodey."

"Oh." Precious Green shrugged and looked askance. "No way. Why would I mind? Go ahead."

"You sure?"

"Yeah I'm sure!"

"You don't sound sure." Spikey leaned forward, to take a good look at Green Boi's face. "You're blushing. You wouldn't like it at all, huh?"

"I'M FINE WITH IT!" insisted the irritated Green Bean.

All that fussing caught the attention of the guy in question. He hadn't gone too far after storming away from Green Boi earlier. He was still within hearing distance, so when he heard Green Bean yell, he marched over to the two and shoved his Precious Bean aside. "Is this ass eater bothering you Green Boi?"

"Why would you push me if he's bothering me?"

Spikey Red laughed. "Wow, he's got it bad!"

"Who's got what bad, you crimson colored fuck?" Angry Explodey sparked a small explosion on his hands.

"No one," answered Red Boi, wrapping an arm around Angry Boi's shoulders. "Let's be friends."

"Who'd want to be friends with a you? Go eat ass punk." Explodey Boi grabbed Green Boi's hand and dragged him away.

"Bye guys," said Red Head, waving goodbye.

As he was being dragged away, Green Boi made the horrible realization that maybe he was in some sort of slash-trash fanfic universe. He started to cry a little, and muttered, "This is karma for all that terrible shit I wrote before. I'm gonna suffer like I made my OCs suffer. Oh, how the tables have turned…"

"What are you talking about you damn nerd?" yelled Explodey Boi. "I read all your shitty fanfic. It's not that bad."

"You only read Science Reports. You never read History Homework."

"What?"

"I have two fanfic folders—anyway, that's not important." He pulled away and stood his ground. "Listen. Let's get this straight—or not straight, or whatever. Let's just make this clear."

He took a deep breath.

He built up all his resolve.

He asked, "Is this a slash fic?"

"What's a slash fic?"

Green felt slapped in the face. _Of course Explochan wouldn't know what that means. And of course Explochan doesn't have a crush on me. Asking that was stupid. Now Explochan is gonna home and google it, and he'll freak out and rage over to my house and tell my mom and Mom's gonna freak because she hates it when I hide things from her—_

"What the fuck are you high angry for?" asked Explodey Boi when he saw the tears stream down Green Boi's eyes. "I'm not a nerd like you. I don't know all your nerd terms. You mad I don't know your nerd terms, you pissy prissy princess? You're always fucking whining." He pulled out his cellphone. "Relax your ass, nerd, I'm googling that shit right now."

"Don't google it!" begged Green Boi, reaching for his phone. "Swear to me you'll never look it up!"

Angry Boi pushed Green Boi away with his elbow, "You said slash fic, right?"

"NO!" Green Boi tried to snatch the phone away, but Explochan put him in a headlock. He pinned Greenie down while he searched the term online. He had his arm around Green Boi's neck, forcing his neck up, while sitting on his back. Greenie struggled, kicking and trying to roll over. Explochan read aloud, "A fanfiction in which the main pairing is two characters of the same sex, usually males. Slash usual contains smut or other sexually explicit content." His eyes widened.

Green Boi started to weep.

Explodey sighed. "Wow. Nerds have a term for everything." He stood up and let Green Boi go. "What were you asking me? If this is a slash fic?" He chuckled. The smirk that spread across his face was cheekier than a smirk from Satan himself. "Only in your wet dreams."

Although he was a little shaken, Green Boi exhaled with relief. "Oh. Good. I guess I got worked up over nothing."

"And mine too," concluded Explochan, as he put his hands in his pocket and walked away, laughing.

"What? What was that?" Green Boi chased after him. "No, for real, Explochan, what do you mean?"

"Why do you know about slash fic anyway? Did you say something about a History Homework folder?"

"Ahhh! Don't tell my mom!"

Explochan cackled with laughter as he led the way home.


	11. More than Just a Friend

**Author's Note:**

 **Thank you for reading this shitty story so far! I work really hard to make it top-tier trash, and I appreciate all of the supportive comments!**

 **Just a few disclaimers:**

 **1.** **This is a satirical romantic-comedy parody fanfiction based on the characters from My Hero Academia, a franchise belonging to Kohei Horikoshi and Funimation. All rights to the original characters go to the rightful owners.**

 **2.** **I LOVE My Hero Academia, and I'm making fun of it because I love it so much. Trust me, I wouldn't re-watch every single episode three or four times, and write a super-long fanfiction about the series, if I wasn't a huge fan.**

 **3.** **This is for laughs, and maybe a little bit of drama and a few tears. Don't take this too seriously. (I know I don't.) Just roll with the punches and accept the stupidity of this nonsense that I'm writing.**

 **…**

The second day of school began better than the first, because Green Boi entered the classroom on time. And when he took a seat, Blushy approached him and started talking to him. "Green Boi! Good morning!"

"Oh, uh, hi Floaty Girl-chan."

"You can call me Blushy. After all I just called you Green Boi and I probably shouldn't have done that because you never gave me permission to be informal with you. Whoops!"

"Oh, okay. Blushy-chan." He smiled and his cheeks got rosy. _I'm talking to a girl and she thinks I'm cool, not a nerdy ass-eating loser. This is awesome!_

"So have you decided on what you're going to call your quirk?"

"Huh? Oh, um… I dunno yet."

"Really? Cuz I was thinking about it all night and I got something. Wanna hear it?"

"You were thinking about it all night?"

She clasped her hands together and smiled. "Yup and now that I've said that I realize how weird it sounded."

"D-don't worry about it! I want to hear it."

"You could call it, 'Go Green Power Ranger!'"

"That's actually really adorable!"

"Really? Yay! I'm so glad you like it."

Glasses Guy approached the two and said, "I'm joining in, because I want some screen time and some lines."

The trio laughed.

Green Bean thought, _According to the syllabus, the first half of each school day is for academic classes, like math and stuff. Then the afternoon classes are for the hero course. I'm excited! This is the start of a fun-filled high school experience. I can't wait for my slice-of-life school story to begin!_

 **[Green Bean's Beautiful Slice-of-Life First Day of School]**

The first class of the day was English Language. (Remember, this story is set in Typical Japanese City on Japanese Island, Japan, and the characters are technically speaking Japanese. But because I, as the author, cannot read or write in Japanese, I am writing this in English. So suspend your disbelief and pretend that the characters are speaking Japanese and being taught English.)

The class was taught by Teacher Man. He wrote several sample English sentences on the chalk board as he lectured. "According to Wikipedia, an adverbial clause is a dependent clause that functions as an adverb. That means the it's a part of a sentence that modifies the same sentence. Think of it as a phrase that adds more to the sentence. For example, sentence one on the board says, 'John ate the pie after it cooled down.' The adverbial clause, 'after it cooled down' tells us when 'John ate the pie'. Who would like to give me an example of an English sentence with an adverbial clause?"

Rich Tits raised her hand. But Teacher Man was the type of asshole that called on students that don't raise their hand. And since Angry Explodey Boi was leaning back, chilling on his desk, kicking his feet up like he was doing on the first day of school, Teacher Man called on him. "Give us a sentence, young man," he said, pointing to the disrespectful bomb kid.

Teacher Man expected that Angry Boi wouldn't be able to answer the question and would get embarrassed. But the tables turned when Angry Boi said, "My boyfriend gasped after seeing my super huge dick."

That was technically an English sentence with an adverbial clause.

But it was VERY inappropriate, and Teacher Man got so embarrassed that he said, "Wrong! Wrong!"

Rich Tits, (bless her heart), argued, "But Teacher Man-sensei, the adverbial clause, 'after seeing my super huge dick' describes when 'my boyfriend gasped'. Or am I not understanding the topic correctly?"

The teacher banged his head on the chalk board and stormed out of the room.

…

The next class of the day was History. The professor was Speaker Man, and he was an unexpectedly good lecturer.

"Can anyone tell me the history behind the Anti-Vigilante Laws?" he said, scribbling down the main points of the law on the chalkboard behind him.

Glasses Guy raised his hand and answered, "The Anti-Vigilante Laws, nicknamed the Batman Laws, forbid citizens from using their quirks for heroic purposes unless they are properly trained and certified as heroes. These were passed in order to create a more centralized system of hero work, as well as to prevent the confusion caused by vigilantes."

Speaker Man nodded. "Yes. So in simple terms, a vigilante is a person who takes the law into their own hands, without the proper authority to do so. For instance, imagine if the average salaryman decided to go out and apprehend criminals. People would be confused, because that's not his job. In fact, people may think that the man is a criminal if they see him beating up people randomly. In all societies, there are people who are in charge of keeping the peace. We can't have everyone making their own rules and deciding who gets arrested or what punishments to give."

Speaker Man grabbed an old, framed newspaper that he had brought into class. He passed it around to the students. "Everyone wants to be a hero, but who has the right to beat the hell out of villains? After all, villains are still humans, right? So there are right and wrong ways to go about it. What I'm showing you students is a newspaper clipping from 50 years ago. In an American city called Gotham, a young man—who was quirkless; make sure to write that in your notes—decided that it was his responsibility to rid the streets of crime. He donned on a costume and called himself Batman. He used unique support items to apprehend the bad guys, but often used violent methods that permanently wounded them."

When the framed newspaper reached Green Boi's desk, he squealed in fanboy glee. He read the headline: _The Enemy of a Villain is Our Friend? Batman Strikes Again._

Speaker Man chuckled at the sight of the teen's childish glee. Then he continued, "The public had mixed reactions to it, and after an incident in which Batman murdered an infamous villain named The Joker, many began to wonder if it was okay to allow a masked vigilante decide how much force to use against villains. Batman's identity was never discovered, is still the biggest mystery to many scholars who research Batman lore.

For your first term paper, I'd like all of you to write a five-page essay arguing in defense of, or opposition to, the Batman Laws. These need to be supported by factual evidence, not just your opinions. I want you to cite crime-rate data, cite city reports and investigations, and cite the views of important lawmakers that were crucial to the opposition or support of the laws. It will be due by the end of the month. Meanwhile, please read chapters one and two in your textbook by the end of the week, because we'll be having a debate about Batman's impact on the concept of heroism."

…

Math class was going smoothly. The teacher assigned some problems for the students to work on. Then she stepped out of the classroom to quickly answer a phone call. While she was gone, Spikey Red Head Dude leaned over to Green Boi and said, "He called you his boyfriend. So are you guys a couple or nah?"

"He wasn't talking about me!" Green Boi screamed as he slammed his forehead on his desk. He didn't lift it up until the end of the period.

 **[Green Bean's Beautiful Slice-of-Life First Day of School END]**

Lunch time arrived. At UH, the students were allowed an hour-long lunch break in a very beautiful mess hall, where gourmet food was available for purchase at affordable prices.

Green Boi stood in line at the cafeteria, thinking about what Angry Boi had said. _Why would he say that? I've never seen his—Yikes, what am I even thinking about!? I'm **not** his boyfriend!_ Beside him were Blushy and Glasses Guy. Blushy said, "Explodey Boi-kun is fucking crazy, am I right?"

 _It's like she can read my mind,_ Green Boi thought, blushing.

Glasses Guy agreed. "Yes, he is quite a reprehensible character." He shook his head. "No one in the fandom is going to like him unless he fixes it." He adjusted his glasses. "It must have been embarrassing for you to hear your personal business announced like that, Bean Child-kun. I apologize on his behalf."

Green Boi banged his forehead on his lunch tray. "He wasn't talking about me!"

"My sincerest authoritative apologies. It must have been embarrassing for him to brag about moving on to a new romance when you obviously still have feelings for him."

Green Boi was tempted to smack his lunch tray upside Glasses Guy's head, but Blushy saved him by asking, "Wait, what? Green Boi, you and Explodey Boi-kun were a couple?"

"NO!" Green Boi insisted. "He's just a family friend. That's it."

"Just a family friend, huh Green Boi?" As usual, Green Boi's fussing had summoned the devil himself. He was cutting all the way to the front of the line. Behind him were two new goons. It was interesting how quickly Angry Boi attracted flunkies.

"Yes, just a family friend," insisted Green Boi, glaring at him with that stubborn look that Angry Boi didn't know Greenie could make. "That's all we are."

"Just a family friend." For some reason, that statement made Angry Explodey feel a lot of high anger. He could have punched the hell out of Green Boi, and he made a fist like he was about to do it, but he saw Green Bean flinch, and decided against it. Instead he and his goons marched to the front of the line.

With a sigh of relief, Green Boi stared at his lunch tray. He gripped it tightly. He kind of felt bad. Blushy, however, exhaled with relief. "Holy shit, I thought he was gonna punch you," she said.

"He usually does."

"Huh? Why? What's wrong with him?"

Green Boi shrugged.

"No, seriously. What's wrong with him? Was his entire clan murdered due to some secret government conspiracy, and is he seething in rage because his own brother killed them?"

Green Boi shook his head.

"Was his best friend crushed by a rock, and the only remnant of that friend is the left eye that he took, and implanted in his own eye?"

"No! I'm his best friend and I'm fine."

"Was and his love interest murdered right in front of his eyes?"

"No I'm his—" Green Boi caught himself. He cleared his throat. "No."

Blushy shook her head in confusion. "Did his parents die in a ninja war?"

"No. Both of his parents are fine."

"Then his brother? Sister? Cousin?"

"None of his family members died in a ninja war, Blushy."

"Was he bullied and ignored by everyone in the village?"

"No, he's the bully."

"Oh, so that means he must have the spirit of a demon fox sealed in his belly."

"No! No, Blushy all of that stuff sounds crazy."

"But something crazy must have happened to him to make him act like that."

Green Boi insisted, "No. Nothing crazy happened to him. That's just his personality."

"So there's no sad backstory for why he acts like that? That's just how he is?"

"Yes. That's just how Explochan is."

"Wow." She shook her head. "Wow."

Green Boi shrugged. He smiled a little. "You'll get used to it."

"But he's sooooooo fucking crazy!"

"Don't let him hear you say that…" He moved forward in line. He looked up. "Holy shit! Is that the Lunchroom Hero, End World Hunger Guy? The man who, although he's quirkless, made it his mission in life to fundraise millions of dollars for community foodbanks all over the world? Due to his accomplishments, the Prime Minister made him an honorary hero! What's he doing at UH?" Green Boi focused all his energy on being a fanboy, instead of on those weird feelings about Explochan.

 **Author's Note:**

 **This will update Tuesday and Thursday Evenings each week for the next 2-3 months.**


	12. Costume Critique

After lunch, it was finally time for the hero course classes. The students of 1-A were abuzz with excitement.

"I can't wait, I can't wait," Green Boi squealed, bouncing in his seat.

Glasses Guy said, "Stop scuffing up school property."

Blushy said, "Aw let him have some fun. Look how excited he is."

No sooner had she said that, then bodybuilder deluxe All American Blonde Superman threw open the door. "I'M MAKING MY ENTRANCE NOW! And that's actually canon English dialogue! HAHAHA!" He entered the room and slammed the door shut with so much force, yet with so much subtle, tender, affection, that the door itself shuddered with pleasure.

If the door, an inanimate object, fell captive to the spell of All American Blonde Superman's amazing presence, what chance did the students of class 1-A have of resisting his all-might?

Green Boi squealed as if this was his first time ever seeing Blonde Superman in person.

"Holy shit!" exclaimed Red Spikey Dude. "He's even more magnificent than I could have ever imagined!"

"It's really him!" said Pikachu Dude shouted. Duct Tape Guy said, "So he really is a teacher here!"

"He's wearing his silver age costume!" Headphone Girl noticed.

"He's actually the real fucking deal," said Explodey Boi.

"Whoa, he kind of looks like All American Blonde Superman," Blushy said to Green Boi.

Green Boi shouted, "Yes, it is him! The one, true, legendary, ultimate super saiyan! All American Blonde Superman!"

Blushy nearly fell out of her chair, "Holy shit! He's a teacher here?"

All American said, "Settle down, settle down, young heroes."

The entire class went silent. He was actually startled by how quiet they got. "Please keep breathing," he told them.

Everyone in the class released a breath that they did not even know they were holding.

All American flexed his super sexy muscles and said, "Today we'll be doing hero battle training." He pointed to the wall. The authority of his pointer finger made the wall open up and eject several shelves that housed numbered suitcases. "After you students received your acceptance letters, you were also instructed to submit designs for your hero costumes. These designs were sent to a support item design company, where they tailored the outfit to your specifications. These are the outfits that they have designed for you. Please change into your costumes and head to the Practice City D Battlefield. I will meet you there."

The students eagerly stared at All American. He nodded. They were still sitting there, staring at him. He waved his hand. "Go ahead."

They just stared at him, until Glasses Guy raised his hand and said, "Blonde Superman-sensei, we don't know which outfit is ours. I notice that the suitcases are numbered. Perhaps there is a list of some sort?"

"Right. Right! HAHAHAHA!" All American laughed to hide his embarrassment. He picked up a class roster from the teacher's desk. "Alright, number one, Rich Tits. Number two, Half White Prince Zuko…"

…

After distributing the costumes, All American waited at the entrance of Practice City D Battlefield.

He waited.

He waited.

"What's taking them so long?" he asked himself. "It should only take them about five minutes to change, right?"

What was taking them so long is that Glasses Guy Engine Legs had told everyone, "Let's wait for everyone to finish changing so that we can march to Practice City D Battlefield together."

"Why?" asked Martial Arts Kid.

"It looks cool if we all enter the battlefield in slow motion, at the same time."

Bird Guy nodded. "It would look cool. I agree."

So the students changed their clothes in the changing rooms. The ones with simple costumes dressed quicker than the ones with complex costumes. They waited for their classmates in the hallway. About five minutes later, almost everyone had finished. "Is that all of us?" Glasses Guy asked. He looked around. "There should be twenty. Who are we missing?"

Most Hated Grape Baby said, "All the girls are here."

Red Head Dude said, "I think we're missing Green Boi and Explodey Boi-kun."

Honey Sweet Laser Belly struck a 'pretty cure' pose and winked, sending a blast of glitter into the air. "Let's leave them!" he suggested.

But the class decided to wait.

Five minutes passed.

"What's taking them so long?" asked Duct Tape Guy.

They waited another five minutes. "Someone want to go check on them?" asked Pikachu Dude.

Six Arms volunteered. He walked into the changing room. "Bean Child-kun, Explodey Boi-kun, are you still in here?"

Explochan roared, "YEH? SO WHAT?"

Six Arms didn't immediately see them, so he walked to the back section of the changing room. "We're all waiting for you guys so that we can all make a dynamic, slow motion entrance for Blonde Superman-sensei."

"I DON'T WANT TO BE PART OF YOUR SHITTY SLOW MOTION FUCK FEST!"

"Come on, man, why you gotta be so mean?" He found Angry Boi and Green Boi in the very back, hiding in a corner. Green Boi was dressed in his stupid green jumpsuit, so he was ready. But he had stayed back to help Angry Boi figure out how to attach his stupid fucking hand grenade gauntlets onto his stupid fucking hands. Greenie was really focused, muttering to himself, saying, "So if this is the clasp, then what is this? Does it buckle into this? Or, fuck, do we need a screwdriver to screw it in? No, no, the support item designers wouldn't make it that fucking complicated."

Angry Boi was so angry that he was shaking with rage. "I don't need your fucking help, Green Boi!" he complained, while making no effort to push the Green Bean away, because he seriously did need Greenie's help.

"Did it come with an instruction booklet, Explochan?" Green Boi asked, frustrated. "I can't figure this out."

"Use your Mutter Mutter you mutter-fucking bastard."

"I am! And I'm thinking that this dumb thingy here should hook into this dumb thing here but it won't and I don't know why—" Green Boi gasped. "Explochan you stupid fucking idiot! You switched the hands! This one should be on your right and this should be on your left." He showed Explochan how simple it was to hook his goodamn hand grenade accessories when they were on the correct hands. "See?"

"Took you long enough to figure it out!" Explochan kicked Green Boi in the gut. Green Boi wheezed. He grabbed his belly and tensed in pain, while yelling, "I think you mean to say 'Thanks Precious Green! I'm sorry I made you reverse engineer the entire fucking thing because I didn't think to switch the fucking hands first!'"

Angry Boi barked, "Eat my ass."

"Never," hissed Green Boi as he stormed out of the changing room. Angry Boi followed him, pointing at him furiously, yelling, "Oh, you're gonna eat my ass! You're gonna eat my ass, Green Boi!"

Six Arms stared in stupefied awe. He wondered if he could make an extra brain on the tip of each of his hands to get enough brainpower to process what just happened.

…

"Should I go check on them?" Blonde Superman wondered, while he waited for his students. He had released his swole form and was sitting on the floor in his withered form, eating a protein bar. "It's been over twenty minutes." He scratched the back of his head. "Did I assign them the wrong costumes? Dammit, that's probably what happened. I bet they're all trying to figure out how to find the correct ones." He took another bite of his protein bar. "Or maybe I walked into the wrong classroom. This school is such a fucking maze." He shook his head. "No, no, I was definitely in class 1-B. Green Boi was there." He took another bite of his protein bar.

He hit himself on the head. "No! Fuck! Green Boi is in class 1-A! Shit! I went to class 1-A! I'm supposed to be teaching 1-B right now!"

But his super hearing picked up the sound of footsteps, so he had no time to fix his mistake. He got big again, and stood proudly, with his hands on his hips and his chin up. "Hahaha!" he laughed. "Took you kids long enough."

Class 1-A walked through the tunnel in the wall that closed off Practice City D Battlefield from the other practice city battlefields. They walked in sync, in slow motion, led by Rich Tits, who strutted like Beyoncé. They coordinated their movements so well that the universe had to show them walking from six different angles (Aerial view; from the left; from the right; from behind; and from in front, slightly above; and from front, but slightly below), while playing some epic, edgy battle music in the background. And when all of them filed in to the Practice City D Battlefield, they looked ready for battle.

All American started crying. He still stood tall and proud, but tears dripped down his cheeks. They landed on the ground, and beautiful white tulips sprouted from them. Future generations would call these plants "All Weep Flowers". They would be admired for their beauty and their medicinal properties.

Green Boi too, started crying. He clutched his chest and stooped down, saying, "I can't believe I'm actually here, in the UH hero course, with All American as my teacher. I'm so hashtag blessed."

Blushy looked at him. She said to herself, "Geez, he's such a crybaby."

"Y-you kids look so cool," All American said, wiping the tears from his eyes. He sniffled. "I-I'm so proud to be your teacher. Is this what parenthood feels like? Thank you, Class 1, um, A," he paused to see if anyone would correct him. They didn't. "Thank you Class 1-A for that wonderful show of coolness. I'll never forget it as long as I live."

Glasses Guy pumped his fist and said, "Yesh!"

All American smiled at his students. But once he took a good, long, look at them, his smile faded. "Hm…" He pursed his lips. "What the hell are some of you wearing?" He actually became concerned. "Oh no. Did the support companies mess up your costumes?"

The students looked at each other. They were confused. They shook their heads. Angry Boi, of course, shouted, "My costume is the best one here! Those support company assholes should have labeled the left and the right gauntlets, but whatever."

"I have a permanent marker Explochan," Green Boi said, reaching into his pocket. "Let me do that for you right now."

Spikey Red Head Dude cooed, "That's so sweet."

"Get the hell away from me," Angry Boi said, as he held out his hands so that Green Boi could write a HUGE letter L on the left gauntlet and a HUGE letter R on the right gauntlet.

"Jesus Christ," All American exclaimed, upon seeing Green Boi's costume. "They really fucked yours up, huh kid?" He approached Green Boi and touched the sleeve of his jumpsuit. "It's like they barely even tried. What's this flimsy material? What's this stupid mask? And are these bunny ears?" He pointed his hand at his shoes. "And what are thooooooooooooooooose?"

"M-my mom bought this outfit for me," Green Boi whimpered.

There's a type of awkward silence that is actually physically painful. It's almost like it creates a negative pressure in your gut that makes your stomach twist inside out. That's how everyone in Class 1-A felt.

Except Angry Boi. Guess how he felt?

"Yo! Don't get me started on your lame ass costume boi," he yelled at All American. "Your skin-tight, ass-clinging, wedgie-walking, skid-mark spandex! Your color scheme is a fucking nightmare! It looks like a five-year-old girl designed your bullshit!"

"Melissa was five years old when she chose the color scheme," All American admitted. "She's the daughter of my support item designer. I love her like my own child. This costume is really special to me." Just in case you couldn't tell, his All American feelings were hurt.

"Alright, so shut up you Baywatch Beach Body Bitch." To Green Boi, Explochan said, "Tell your mom she shouldn't be buying your fucking costume. She went to Mom School not Hero Support Item College. She can go eat ass too." He pointed to Rich Tits. "And you, Double-D Dumb Broad! Cover up your fucking titties!"

"They're actually just a D-cup," she courteously replied.

Explochan pointed to Glasses Guy. "And you! Robot Transformer Half Breed Fuck! You look like a goodamn motorcycle."

Glasses Guy was taken about. "Why I've never been so insulted—"

Explochan wasn't done. He pointed to Bird Guy. "This feather fucking asshole is just wearing a cape." Then he pointed to Martial Arts Kid. "And this Tae Kwa Do Asshole is just wearing a gi. Both of you can choke on dick."

Martial Arts Kid was actually really heartbroken by that insult. He had to sit down. "I… I… I put a lot of effort into designing this… wow…"

Bird Dude was only slightly offended, but Little Peepers was irate. _Shall we send him to the shadow realm, Master?_ The demon spirit asked telepathically. "No, not yet my little bird," Bird Guy replied. "He may be useful in the grand scheme of our plot."

Blushy mumbled, "Oh no, is he flaming everyone? Shit, shit, shit." She hid behind Six Arms.

He pointed to Pinky, the Alien Queen. "This fashion friendly bitch is dressed like she's ready to save the mall from all those damn sales. And what the fuck are those on your head, Froakie?"

Froakie said, "Googles."

He nodded. "I like those. I like your costume. It fits you."

"Thanks."

No one can hate Everyone's Favorite Frog Girl.

But Angry could hate on Headphone Girl and Pikachu Dude. "All you two need is a couple of bass guitars and you'll fit right in with the girls of K-On!"

"Fuck you!" Headphone Girl retorted.

"Fuck you!" He then pointed to Honey Sweet Laser Belly. "And fuck you, especially, you medieval asshole. Go die in a joust."

Honey Sweet twirled around and spread out his hands in the shape of a heart. "I reject your insults with my hyper self-esteem!" He glowed with white light.

Angry rolled his eyes. He pointed to Spiky Red Head Dude, "Are you a super hero or a male stripper, you sexy piece of shit?"

Red Head's cheeks flushed redder than the hair. "Are you complimenting me?"

Instead of answering, Angry Boi marched over to Most Hated Grape Baby. He squatted down. He looked the Grape in the eyes. He shook his head and sighed. "Why did you do this to yourself?"

"Huh?" asked the cowardly grape, who was struggling not to shit himself.

"You gave yourself a diaper. You did that to yourself. Right?"

"…Yes. Yes I did…"

"I hope you know that you deserve all of the bad things that happen to you, and none of the good things that happen to you. You are wasting a seat at UH. You know that, right?"

"…"

"Say 'yes sir'."

"Yes sir."

"Good." Angry Boi stood up and stretched. "The rest of you guys are jumpsuit wearing nobodies." He looked up. He pointed to Invisible Girl. "Whoa, so are you butt-fucking naked?"

"Dammit, I thought he wouldn't see me," she swore.

Angry Boi threw his hands in the air. "This one is just naked! Ha! This school is something else." He walked over and stood next to Green Boi, who asked, "You done?"

"What do you think?"

That meant yes. So Green Boi bowed and hung his head in shame. "Sorry about that guys."

Nothing in the teacher's manual taught All American how to respond to a student like Angry Explodey Boy. Frankly, the hero was overwhelmed. And that was a relatively new sensation for him. The only other time he had ever felt overwhelmed was during the battle that destroyed half of his body. Figuratively speaking, All American felt completely destroyed right now.

So instead of reprimanding the student who had verbally attacked everyone in the class, he turned his attention to another pressing matter… Invisible Girl. "So you're literally naked right now?" Blonde Superman asked her.

"No, I'm wearing gloves and shoes."

"No, but, like, your core body."

"Like my torso and stuff?"

"Yes."

"Yes."

The Modest Superman said, "I don't think that's appropriate."

"It's not like anyone can see me."

"Yes, but, there's something about the fact that you are buck-naked that doesn't sit right with me. After all, you're just a high school girl."

"Well I'm not buck-naked because I'm invisible. You can't see me."

"But you're not wearing any clothes."

Most Hated Boi said, "That's actually really kinky."

All American clapped his robust hands, creating a gust of wind that blew the sour grape out of Practice City D Battlefield. Then he said to Invisible Girl, "I really think you should be wearing something."

"I'm wearing gloves and shoes! Why do you even care? No one else cared. I think you're just over-thinking it."

"It's just, well, you're naked."

"Rich Tits is practically naked!"

Rich Tits came to her defense. "There's nothing wrong with being naked," she declared. "The human body is beautiful, like a work of art. The greatest renaissance masterpieces contain vivid naked imagery. I should know, because we have over a dozen original renaissance works in the Tits Family Manor."

Blushy remarked, "Great, she's a rich girl."

Green Boi raised his hand. "Superman-sensei, I think it's fine, because when she's not invisible she has really long hair. Her hair covers most of her body. So if someone were to erase her quirk or something, her modesty would be protected. That's a popular trope in anime and manga and stuff; a naked girl with super long hair that covers the parts that needs to be censored."

With a sigh, All American tried to explain, "But she's a young lady, so I think it's embarrassing that she's naked."

Invisible Naked Girl groaned. "So if I was a guy, it'd be okay?"

Spikey Red jumped in to say, "Unfortunately no. They told me I had to wear pants."

Everyone looked at him in confusion.

He explained, "I don't need clothes, because my quirk lets me get really, really hard."

All American leered at him.

Red Head Dude realized the innuendo of what he had said. "No, not _hard._ I mean I can turn my body really hard, like armor. And I wanted to have a Tarzan theme, with only a loin cloth. But they said I couldn't. They almost made me wear a shirt, but I argued and they let me go shirtless." He gestured to his rock hard abs. "I worked hard for this body. I'm gonna show it off."

"It's a beautiful body," Rich Tits told him. "I'd paint it."

"Thanks!"

This conversation was going in circles. So Blonde Superman said, "You know what, let's just start the class!" He rubbed his powerful forehead, while thinking, _I wish I had gone to class 1-B…_


	13. Just Let Him Speak

All American Blonde Superman took a deep breath. Standing in his typical powerful stance, he tried to appear professional, like a good teacher. "Now that you're ready, it's time for combat training!" he declared.

"SIR!" interrupted Engine Legs Boi, raising his hand authoritatively.

"Ugh, what?"

"This is the fake city from our entrance exam. Does that mean we'll be conducting urban battles again?"

"If you would just let me finish my speech," replied a slightly irked Blonde Superman, "then I'll tell you that we're going to do a training exercise. You'll be split into teams of heroes and villains and fight two-on-two indoor battles."

Froakie tilted her head. "Eh, isn't this a little too advanced?"

"Yes, this is definitely way too advanced for your first day of hero training, and I have argued that point with Principal Kawaii, but he insists on this curriculum. I apologize."

"It's not your fault. Ribbit. I'm sure you tried your best."

He had tried his best. "Thank you. I really needed to hear that," replied the hardworking (but somewhat of a screw-up) new teacher. "Since you'll be battling your fellow students, you need to reign in your super powers. I don't want you kids to beat the shit out of each other."

Rich Tits spoke up, "Sir, will you be deciding who wins?"

"How much can we hurt the other team?" asked Angry Explodey.

Blushy piped in, "Do we need to worry about getting expelled, like earlier?"

"Will you be splitting us up based on chance or comparative skill?" asked Glasses Guy.

Through gritted teeth and a forced smile, Blonde Superman said, "I wasn't finished talking. You kids need to learn some patience." Class 1-A was really starting to piss him off. Nonetheless, he pulled out his handy-dandy teacher's pocket guide and turned to the page explaining today's lesson. "Okay, listen up. No more questions until I say you can ask questions. Understand? Good. So, the situation is this. The villains have hidden a nuclear missile somewhere in their hideout—"

"A nuclear missile?" exclaimed Pikachu Dude. "Where the hell would ordinary villains get a nuclear missile?"

Glasses Guy agreed, "That seems far-fetched to say the least. We're in Japan, a country that doesn't have a nuclear weapons program. Therefore, even if these villains were incredibly great thieves, they literally have no missiles to steal."

Green Boi spoke up, "But we do have a well-developed nuclear _power_ program, which gives us the scientific infrastructure to build nuclear weapons if we really desired."

"Then," Glasses Guy said, "are we working under the assumption that the nuclear missile the villains stole were from a secret stash of nuclear weapons that our government has created, and is hiding from us?"

Blonde Superman said, "Just pretend. It's just a scenario."

Bird Guy said, "Why are we training using ridiculous scenarios that will never happen? Little Peepers doesn't like wasting his time."

"Fine," the teacher acquiesced. "Pretend this situation is happening in, um, the United States of America. The government organization that maintains their nuclear missiles was infiltrated by a group of villains who had the resources and technological skills to steal a nuclear missile, and transport it back to their hideout."

Red Head Dude smiled and said, "I want to study abroad in America one day, so this situation is useful to me."

Bird Guy nodded. "Then Little Peepers approves of this scenario. Carry on, Blonde Superman-sensei."

He did. "Okay, so the villains have hidden a nuclear bomb in their hideout, and the heroes must try to foil their plans."

"What plans?" asked Duct Tape guy.

Blonde Superman smacked himself on the head. "Can I please just finish reading the script?"

"I think we should know what sort of plans they have," Headphone Girl agreed. "Like are they planning to disarm it? Are they planning to sell it? Are they planning to launch an attack? Based on what they're planning to do, our reaction to the situation would be different."

Green Boi disagreed, "Well if they went out of their way to steal a nuclear missile from the government, we can assume that whatever they plan to do is dangerous. Regardless of what it is, we need to foil their plan."

Glasses Guy added, "Yes, their actual plan doesn't matter. And in this sort of situation, the heroes would most likely be unaware of the villain's plan anyway."

"But," Red Head Dude began, "I'm sure the American intelligence agencies, like the CIA or FBI, would have an idea as to what the villain's plan was, especially given that we know who the culprits are and know the location of their hideout."

"Who said that we know who the villains are, or know the location of their hideout?" asked Pikachu Dude.

"Well we know that they've hidden the missile at their hideout, so we must know where their hideout is. How else would we know that the missile is there? Blonde Superman-sensei, do we know the location of their hideout?"

The Blonde Teacher yelled, "Stop interrupting me! Let me just finish reading the damn prompt!" He cleared his throat. "Where was I? I'll just start over from the top. The villains have hidden a nuclear missile somewhere in their hideout and the heroes must try to foil their plans. To do that, the good guys either have to catch the evildoers or recover the weapon. Likewise, the villains succeed if they protect their payload or capture the heroes."

"So we do know the location of their hideout," Red Head said. "So then, why don't we know what they're planning to do with the missile?"

Glasses Guy insisted, "It doesn't matter what they plan to do, because we're going to stop them from doing it."

"WE WILL CHOOSE TEAMS BY DRAWING LOTS!" shouted the frustrated All American Teacher, struggling to gain control over his class.

"Isn't there a better way?" asked Glasses Guy Engine Legs.

Green Boi offered his opinion, "No, because, think about it. Pros often have to team up with heroes from other agencies on the spot."

"Yes, I see. Life is a random series of events." Engine Legs bowed to his teacher. "Excuse my rudeness!"

All American rolled his eyes at the dramatic Robot Child. But at least he had apologized. That made All American feel a lot better. "No sweat. Time to draw lots!"

[Team A: Precious Green Bean Child and Blushy Floaty Girl]

[Team B: Angry Explodey Boi and Glasses Guy Engine Legs]

And the rest of the teams aren't really important.

"Oh my gosh we're a team!" Blushy said to Green Boi. "Yay! I'm excited! It's so cool I get to work with someone I've already made friends with."

"W-we're friends?" asked Green Boi as his face flushed. "C-c-cool!" Green Boi was thrilled. But that excitement disappeared the instant that Blonde Superman said, "I declare that the first teams to fight will be Team A and Team B!"

"NO!" Green Boi exclaimed, dropping to a squat. All American stared at him in confusion. The rest of Class 1-A was also confused. Greenie realized that he was causing a scene, so he quietly said, "Sorry, carry on."

"Ok. Team A will be the heroes and team B will be the villains. That is my decree! Everyone one else, head to the monitoring room to watch."

The rest of the students walked away, while Green Boi stood up and panicked. He tried to avoid eye contact with Explochan. _Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Why him? Why do I have to battle him?_

"What's wrong?" asked Blushy?

"N-nothing," Green Boi lied. His eyes betrayed him and he glanced at Angry Boi. The scowl that Angry was giving Green Boi made him panic even more. _Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck… Fuck…? Why the fuck am I nervous? Fuck Explochan! He can't even put on his damn costume without my help. Maybe I do stand a chance against that asshole. After all, now I have the power of Blonde Superman's quirk, Dues ex Machina._ So Green Boi clenched his hands in to fists, and straightened up. He turned to Angry Boi and glared at him.

Angry Boi was taken aback by the look of severity that Green Boi shot at him. _What's that asshole thinking?_ Angry wondered. _He better not be thinking that he can beat me. He knows that I'm stronger, more talented, and more heroic than him. Just because I needed his help to put on my fucking glove-things doesn't mean that he's better than me. Fuck that Green Bean Bitch if he thinks that I'm weak just because my fucking support costume designers are full of shit._

Angry's inner monologue was interrupted by Glasses Guy, who approached him and said, "Looks like we're working together as villains in this exercise. Let's put aside our differences and work hard."

"Go oil your gears, you bucket of bolts," Angry Boi retorted, as he marched away.

"Ah, yes! Thanks for reminding me!" Glasses Guy hurried off to do so.

…

"Villains get a five-minute head start," All American told them as he led hem into the building which would serve as their hideout. "The key to winning this challenge is to think from the perspective of a villain, to embody villainy. Getting in the mindset of your enemy will help you in the long run in your journey to becoming a hero."

Glasses Guy took that advice to heart, but Angry Boi thought All American was just full of bullshit. As he rolled his eyes and turned away, Angry Boi happened to glance at Green Boi, who was opening and closing his fist repeatedly. Angry growled. _Stupid cute Green Bean Bitch. He's making fun of me. He's thinking about how I couldn't figure out how to put on my glove-things. I hate him so much._

Once inside the building, Explochan and Glasses Guy went to the room that housed their "nuclear bomb". Angry Boi stood off to the side, brooding, because he was insanely angry about Green Boi's sudden tough demeanor. On top of that, he was sizzling with fury, because his partner for this training exercise was trying to start small talk.

"Even though this is just training, it pains me to be aligned with criminal behavior," said Glasses Guy. "As you can tell, I'm a very straight-laced guy. I follow the rules. I embody the rules. I am the rules."

As Engine Legs kept talking, Angry Boi groaned, and wondered, _Does this guy ever stop talking? He's worse than Green Boi. At least Green Boi's voice doesn't annoy the hell out of me. I wish this guy was on the opposite team so I could knock his fucking lights out. It's just my shitty fucking luck that Green Boi is my enemy for this fight. I bet right now, Green Boi is probably out there with that Floaty Air Head Bitch, thinking up a million strategies to beat me. He's probably using his Mutter Mutter…_

"So this is the weapon we must protect," Glasses Guy said, walking over to the obviously fake missile and pounding on it. "A fake, of course. But I will do my best to act as if it is real, to give this practice exercise the most realistic feeling possible—"

Partly to shut him up, Angry Boi asked, "Hey, do you believe Green Boi's explanation of his quirk?"

"Huh? Um… Didn't he say that his quirk improves his muscles with rigorous training? It seems logical. Though I do wonder why it seems like he hurts his body when he uses it. When he used it during the entrance exam, he completely destroyed his legs and his right arm."

 _Shit._ Angry Boi thought. His eyes tripled in size. _Is that what happened? Is that why he was in the infirmary? Because of his quirk? Is that why that Eye Candy Ninja Bastard lectured him? Is that why he hurt his finger yesterday? What the fuck? What the actual fuck?!_

"You seem angry. Why is it that you seem to be especially angry when it comes to Bean Child-kun?" Glasses Guy asked. Angry Boi didn't respond, because he was thinking, _That cute little Green Bean Bitch is going to hurt himself. I can't let him hurt himself. I have to make sure he doesn't use that shitty quirk of his._

 _…_

Green Boi, meanwhile, was leaning against some railing on the outside of the villain hideout, thinking. _Stupid fucking Explochan. Why am I so scared of an idiot who couldn't even put on his own support items? What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I put him on such a pedestal? He's just a teenage boy, like me. A teenage boy who was born with an awesome quirk, and has really toned arms, and is one-hundred times more talented than me…_

"Hey Green Boi," Blushy called out to him. She leaned against the railing beside him, while looking at a map of the building. "Blonde Superman-sensei gave us the building's floor plans. You think he expects us to memorize it? It's so big! Speaking of big, did you see how RIPPED Blonde Superman-sensei is? He's just as sexy in person as he is on television! But he's actually really sweet. I'm glad he's not threatening us with some kind of punishment like Ninja Eyes-sensei was." She chuckled. "I fucking hate him. He's such a dick. But it's whatever, because this time around we can relax—Ah!?" She noticed that Green Boi was sweaty and trembling, and looked like he was about to throw up. "You're sweating through your costume! Green Boi, you okay?"

"Uhm, yeah, it's just that, we're going up against Explochan, and then there's Engine Legs-kun too. We should be on our guard."

"Oh, right, Explodey Boi-kun. He's such a fucking bully."

"But he's so amazing…" Green Boi sighed. "He can be such a pain in the ass, but his strength and confidence and ambition, not to mention his quirk, they're all so much better than mine." Green Boi took a deep breath, and pulled himself together. "But that just means I have to work harder to surpass him, because I refuse to lose today."

Blushy felt encouraged by Green Boi's determination. "Right! It's a fated battle between you and your ex-boyfriend!"

"Wha?! No! No, we never dated!" Green Boi insisted, flailing his hands like crazy. "It's not like that! We're just childhood friends! If anything we're like rivals! I mean, sure he's super handsome in his hero outfit, but like, he's a jerk so I'd never be interested in him because I have self-respect and—"

Green Boi was saved from this awkward conversation by All American's voice resounded over the intercom, "Alright, time starts now! Team A and B, time to battle!"


	14. I'm Not Gonna Hit You

In 7th grade, Angry Boi had a sleepover at Green Boi's home. The two of the stayed up until 4am watching YouTube videos about All American Blonde Superman on the desktop computer in his room. "He's so cool!" Green Boi quietly squealed as he rocked back and forth in his chair. Angry Boi, who was standing beside him, smacked Green Boi on the back of the head. "Relax you damn nerd," Angry Boi said. "You're not the only one who thinks he's cool." He snatched the mouse away from Green Boi and clicked on one of the suggested videos. "Let's watch this one next."

It was a video where a super serious nerd analyzed Blonde Superman's fighting style. The nerd showed several videos clips of Blonde Superman fighting villains, and freeze-framed to highlight and emphasize important moments. "Okay, so in this fight against Typical Villain 4, All American starts with a right hook to the face and then goes for an uppercut into his gut. The right hook to the face is meant to make his enemy dizzy and disoriented, and the gut jab is to knock their breath out. That's a really good strategy for taking down an enemy, especially if you have a super strength quirk. But, it's also predictable, so beware of using the same technique over and over again."

Green Boi, being a tactical thinker, took that strategic advice to heart.

Angry Boi, being a violent asshole, only heard the fighting words. And he immediately wanted to try it out. "Green Boi, get up," he demanded. Greenie was smart enough to know what was happening. "No way, you're not trying that on me, Explochan."

"I'm not gonna hit you," Explochan lied.

"Promise?"

"Meh."

"Okay." So Green Boi stood up. Angry Boi made him stand in the middle of the room and said, "Don't move." Then he reared back, as if to punch Green Boi.

"Don't hit me!" Green Boi screamed.

"Shut up, I'm not gonna hit you." Yet Angry Boi's fist was still reared back.

Green Boi stupidly decided to trust his friend. "Okay…"

Angry Boi took a step back. Then he punched Green Boi in the face so hard that Green Boi fell asleep.

"Green Boi?" said the kid who had just punched his friend's lights out. "Greenie?" He knelt down and shook him. "Green Boi? Come on, I didn't hit you that hard." But he had, and the Green Bean was out until noon the following day. "Damn," said Angry Boi when his friend finally awoke, "I guess I overdid it."

…

Blonde SuperTeacher and the students of Class 1-A watched the giant monitor that showed multiple angles of the "Villain Hideout". Blonde Superman instructed them to, "Pay attention to this first battle, kids. Think about what you would do."

They watched as Green Boi and Floaty Girl climbed into the building via the window, and started walking around. Six Arms asked, "Why did they climb? Can't she use her floaty powers to float around the outside of the building and peek into the windows to find the room where the bomb is?"

Red Head Boi added, "Yeah, it seems like they don't even have a plan of action. Are they just going to wander and hope they find the bomb?"

Blonde Superman said, "I told you to THINK, not speak." But at this point, he realized that he had lost his authority over this class, and decided it was better to let them just do whatever they want. Besides, he was sort of concerned about Green Boi. He wondered if the successor of Dues ex Machina had figured out how to properly use it yet. If not, well, someone might die today. So the teacher braced himself to jump in at any moment to prevent Green Boi from accidently killing someone.

As Floaty Girl and Bean Child wandered down the halls of the villain's lair, Blonde Superman glanced at his clipboard, and looked at the rubric by which he was to grade all students for this exercise. From 1 to 10, he had to rate them on ten categories: technique, skill, strength, sneak, tactics, quirk use, flashiness, destructive power, style, and overall impression.

Blonde Superman thought, _Most of this is subjective. How am I supposed to grade a student on flashiness, style and overall impression?_ He wanted to be fair, but he didn't know how to be fair when Green Boi was his favorite student. _I have to make sure I don't grade him nicely just because he's my adorable little protégé. And I can't ignore the other students and focus only on him._ He sighed. _I have to be unbiased, impartial, and a good teacher. Good luck Green Boi._

…

Green Bean and Blushy walked around, their guard up, slowly making their way through the maze-like building. Meanwhile, Green Boi thought, _I can't really use Deus ex Machina against a person. I'll kill them. So I have to figure out a way to win using only Blushy's power and Mutter Mutter. That means we're at a huge disadvantage against Explochan and Engine Legs. But, Explochan is an idiot, so he'll probably do something stupid—_

As if he predicted it, right at that moment, Angry Explodey Boi appeared around the corner and threw himself at the hero team. "SHIT!" screamed Green Boi as he tackled Blushy to avoid a direct hit from the Explosive Boi's blast punch.

Dust and smoke filled the small hallway as Team A slid across the ground. Regaining their composure, they rose to their knees and prepared to fight. While the smoke cleared, Angry Boi taunted his opponents, specifically his best friend, "What's the matter Green Bean Bitch? Too afraid to fight me?"

"No," replied Greenie, rising to his feet. "I'm not afraid of a guy who can't dress himself."

Angry Boi clenched his hands into fists. "You piece of shit!" He ran toward Green Boi. "I'm gonna hurt you so bad they have to stop the fight!" He reared back for a right hook.

Green Boi caught his hand.

Then he turned and judo flipped Angry Boi, slamming him on the ground so hard that he bounced off the floor.

"Holy shit!" exclaimed Blushy.

"Holy shit!" exclaimed the students in the monitoring room.

"Holy shit," exclaimed Blonde Superman. _I didn't know Green Boi had those types of moves! That's a 10 out of 10 for skill, technique and style._ He scribbled that on his clipboard.

As Angry Boi got the wind knocked out of him, he wondered when the hell Green Boi got so strong. The Green Bean Bitch that he knew last year wouldn't have been able to flip him over. Explodochan laid on the ground, frozen in sheer disbelief for several seconds. Green Boi used that time to make a monologue, "Explochan, I'm actually really glad that my first battle at this school is against you."

"What?"

"I have the advantage, because I've analyzed every amazing hero, especially you."

"A-amazing hero?"

"That's right Explochan. I know how you fight, so I'm gonna kick your ass. You can call me a Green Bean Bitch, but I'm not the same helpless, defenseless kid anymore! One day, I'll be a hero, Explochan! Green Boi will be the name of a hero!" He assumed a fighting stance.

Explodey Boi stood up. "Look at you. You're trembling." He sparked explosions on his hands. "You talk big shit, like you're tough, but you're quaking in your boots. You think this is a game? You think you have infinite lives and endless continues?" He leaned forward, like a rhino about to charge. "Remember when we were just kids, Green Boi? Remember when you rushed in to save that stupid kid that I was beating up? Even back then, you were scared shitless. You were on the verge of tears. You knew you wouldn't win. You knew you were gonna get your ass kicked. But you still wanted to fight me anyway." He took a deep breath. Then he screamed, "That's why I hate you!"

He rushed toward Green Boi, who shouted, "Blushy! Go!"

"Oh! Yeah!" she said, scurrying away right as Angry Boi jumped and threw a kick. Green Boi guarded with his forearms. All American had given both heroes and villains some "capture tape" to use to restrain the opposing team. Wrapping up someone in tape meant they were out for the rest of the game. Green Boi tried to wrap it quickly around Angry Boi's leg.

"Shit," shouted Angry Boi. He threw an explosive punch to disintegrate the tape. Green Boi dodged and rolled away. Then he took off running. "Shit!" screamed Angry as he chased down his friend. "So we're playing tag now, huh Greenie?"

Green Boi ignored him, and ran, hiding in the twists and turns of the hallways. And luckily for Greenie, Angry Boi kept screaming, "Where the hell are you, Green Boi? Show yourself!" so he could tell how far away Angry Boi was from him. At a point, Green Boi had to rest, so he kneeled down, leaned against a wall and panted. "Dumbass," Green Boi muttered. "Okay, so, what's my plan? Hopefully Blushy went after the weapon. If I can stall Explochan and then go help her fight Engine Legs, we can win this battle. But we have to be quick, because we only have fifteen minutes on the timer." He wasn't wearing a watch, but he could estimate that he'd spent about five or six minutes running from Explochan. "That means I have less than ten minutes to capture Explochan down here… Shit…"

"This isn't hide and fucking seek you piece of shit!" screamed Explodey Boi. "This isn't duck-duck-fucking goose! This isn't red-light, green-light, kickball, or red rover! This isn't something you can play your little mind games with! This is real life, with real consequences! And if you use your stupid fucking quirk and hurt yourself, I'm gonna kill you!"

"Does that make any sense Explochan?" Green Boi grumbled.

"Where are you, you little bitch? I'm gonna break you so bad that you have to drop out of school."

"He's getting close," Green Boi realized. He took out his capture tape. "It sounds like he's coming from behind me, so I'll circle around and try to get behind him." But his muttering was interrupted by a call from Blushy, via the communicator they both wore in their ears. "Hi Green Boi, so, like I found the weapon. Engine Legs is guarding it on the fifth floor."

"Fifth floor?" He looked up. "That's right above me."

"Yeah, but he knows I'm here. Sorry! He was saying some dumb shit and I laughed so hard that he heard me. He was all like, 'I must embrace villainy in order to become a hero! I must not bring shame to the Engine Legs family name!' Green Boi it was so fucking funny. I wish you heard it. It's actually extremely funny because he's still talking now. Can you hear him in the background?"

Green Boi faintly heard Engine Legs yelling at Blushy, saying, "How dare you talk to your partner while I, the personification of evil, have the upper hand? I am a criminal mastermind!"

"Green Boi, I'm gonna cry! This is so funny!"

Green Boi was kind of annoyed, but also kind of amused. "Look we only have a little bit of time left. Try not to get caught and I'll be there in a sec to help you."

"Gotcha. See you soon."

Green Boi nodded, and stood up, ready to carry out his plan to attack Explochan from behind.

Too late.

Explochan had found him. "Oh, look what I found," said the villain, as his hand grenade gauntlets glowed. "A cute little Green Bean Bitch, hiding in a corner."

Green Boi gritted his teeth. He had let his guard down, and now he was about to pay the price, unless he could run away. _I'll make him charge at me, and then I'll dodge and run in the opposite direction,_ he decided. Therefore, he clenched his hands into fists and shouted, "Come fight me then! I'm not scared of you, Explochan!"

"Oh really? Maybe this will change your mind!" He raised his right hand and directed his palm at Green Boi. He pulled back a lever to cock his gauntlet like a gun. "I'm sure you noticed the design of my gauntlets while you were helping me put them on, right? There's a storage compartment for my explosive sweat. And I'm all loaded up." He placed his left hand on a hook that was like a trigger.

Of course Green Boi had noticed the storage compartment. The storage compartment was his fucking idea. Back in 8th grade, during math class, Green Boi had doodled a design extremely similar to Angry Boi's current gauntlets, and showed it to him during lunch break. "So the idea is that it covers your hands in heat-insulating material," Green Boi had said, "which forces your palms to get all sweaty. The sweat drips down through a collection duct into a mini-tank, so that basically you have a compartment full of nitroglycerin that you can use for a super attack."

Angry Boi had snatched the sketch from Green Boi and looked it over. "That's the stupidest shit I've ever heard," he replied, as he folded up he paper and put it in his backpack.

So Green Boi was flattered when he first saw Angry Boi's costume back in the dressing room.

But none of that really mattered right now if this idiot was seriously about to use that super attack on Green Boi. Based on what Greenie had seen while helping Explochan put on the gauntlets, the size of the mini-tanks could hold enough nitroglycerin to blow up a mid-sized house. And Angry Boi was standing about a meter in front of him, and pointing it right at him.

"You're not serious," Green Boi said, backing away.

"Of course not," sarcastically replied Angry Boi. "I'm a just a fucking clown." He pulled the hook.

A burst of flames erupted from his gauntlet, causing an explosion that blew out a decent chunk of the building they were in. Up on the fifth floor, Blushy and Engine Legs were knocked to the ground. "What's going on?" asked Engine Legs while Blushy screamed, "Holy shit!"

Back in the Monitor Room, All American dropped his clipboard. The other students gaped in astonishment. Red Head Dude pulled at his hair, screaming, "What in the name of Blonde Superman?! Did he just kill him?"

All American touched his hand to his communicator and shouted, "Green Boi! Green Boi! Say something! Green Boi!"

"FUCK!" Explodey Boi yelled, grabbing his right shoulder with his left hand. The recoil of that explosion had definitely dislocated his shoulder, and broken the bones in his arm. He was intense pain right now. All he could do was swear, hold his arm, and wait to see what Green Boi's next move was.

When the smoke cleared, All American and the students in the monitor room could see that Green Boi was lying on the ground. The boy had taken a direct hit. His outfit and body were charred all over, and he was unsettlingly still. Explochan saw Green Bean too, and took a step back. _Shit, maybe I overdid it_ , he realized. "Get up, Green Boi. It didn't hurt that bad."

Green Boi just laid on the floor.

"Green Boi?"

No response.

"I see what you're trying to do. You're trying to make me come over there, to check on you. You're playing mind games with me." Angry Boi started to get nervous. "Get up, I'm not falling for it." When Green Boi didn't get up, Angry Boi roared, "Get up, you Green Bean Bitch!"

Blonde Superman touched his communicator, saying to all the students in the field, "This has gone too far. I'm ending the match now. I'm calling Nurse Kisses—"

"No," whimpered Green Boi. Relief flooded over everyone in the class, especially, Angry Boi, when Green Boi rose to his feet. "I want to keep fighting!"

All American hesitated.

"You can't be serious, Sensei," Pikachu Dude said. "You've got to stop this match!"

"Just wait," said All American.

Everyone watched as Green Boi took one step toward Angry Boi. "You know what, Explochan, you're strong. You're tough. You're cool. You're amazing. You're everything I want to be." He took another step toward his friend. "Compared to you, I'm just a helpless little fanboy." He took several more steps as he said, "But that just means I'll have to work hard to catch up to you." He stood right in front of Angry Boi. "You're a million steps ahead, but maybe if I keep running, I'll catch up to you…" Then he fainted. Angry Boi caught him, but then he remembered his arm was broken, because the pain shot through his body. Angry dropped to his knees, while clinging onto his best friend.

"The match is over," All American declared. "It's a draw. Neither side won."

Up on the fifth floor, Blushy and Engine Legs looked at the gaping hole in the building and wondered, "What happened?"


	15. Nurse Kisses Ruins A Kiss

"Beep beep boop bop be boop! We are robots," sang two small robots in unison, while they carried Green Boi away on a stretcher. "Beep beep boop bop be boop. We love being robots. Beep beep boop bop be boop. We work for Nurse Kisses. Beep beep boop bop be boop. Sing the robot song."

Angry Boi was tempted to destroy the annoying singing robots, and probably would have, if they weren't currently saving his best friend's life. Besides, his right arm was throbbing and his head was spinning. He clutched the aching arm tightly and grunted. Angry Boi had never been in pain like this before, because he had never been beaten up or lost a fight—not that he lost this fight. It was a draw, a stupid stalemate, because he had gone crazy and hurt his fellow classmate.

As Angry Boi wallowed in pain and regret, All American Blonde Super Teacher arrived at the villain hideout building. He placed a hand on Angry's left shoulder. With a stern and gruff voice, He said, "Young Explodey Boi, I don't understand why you thought you could Rage on your classmate without severely injuring him."

"Tch," Angry Boi grunted, because he honestly had no words to explain his actions. He had only meant to scare Green Boi, not cover him in 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree burns. He simply hadn't known how powerful his goodamn grenade gauntlets were. This was the first time he had ever used them. Perhaps he should have tested it out first. But it was too late now. In his quest to prevent Green Boi from hurting himself, Angry Boi had severely hurt him.

"Luckily we have Nurse Kisses," said Superman Sensei. "She'll take care of him. And take this as a lesson, Young Explodey Boi. You must always be aware of your own strength."

Angry Boi didn't know what to say.

"You should see the Nurse too. Your arm is swelling up."

"Grrrr…" Angry Boi growled as he marched away to the Nurse's office.

…

When he arrived at Nurse Kisses's infirmary, she had already healed Green Boi. He was still unconscious, however, and was resting in bed. Angry Explodey insisted on sitting next to his friend's bed, while Nurse Kisses treated him. She put his arm in a sling and kissed his shoulder. "There you go," she told him. "But next time be careful about how you use your quirk." She shook her head. "You kids keep destroying your bodies while using your super powers and it's really making me worried."

"Shut up Grandma," said Angry Boi, as he watched the rise and fall of Green Boi's sleeping chest.

"This is the third time that friend of yours has come to see me. Does he intend on coming here every time he comes to this school?"

"Yeah, I guess. Piece of shit."

"That's not going to be acceptable," replied the nurse. "My power isn't something that just magically heals people. It comes at a cost."

"Cost?"

"Yes. My quirk speeds up a person's ability to heal themselves. It takes energy from the person, and in the long run, overuse of my quirk can cause side effects, such as fatigue, lethargy, and a weakened normal healing system. At worst, it could shorten the person's lifespan. On top of that, there's only so much I can do to heal major injuries, because a person's body can only heal to a specific extent after a very traumatic injury."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, suppose three people broke their left ankle. Same injury, same degree of damage." She held up one finger. "One of those people might make a full recovery after wearing a cast and going through physical therapy. It'll be like the injury never happened."

She held up two fingers. "One of those people might go through the same treatment options, and recover, but the ankle will never be how it used to be. For that person, there will always be evidence of that damage, like a slightly misshapen bone or some scar tissue. But the person can still function, with only slight inconveniences, and the ankle might be susceptible to injury again."

She held up three fingers. "But the third person, even with the same treatment, might not ever really heal at all. The third person might need surgery or need to wear an ankle brace for the rest of their lives. The ankle could be permanently damaged and may impact the person's ability to walk."

Angry Boi winced.

Nurse Kisses shook her head. "Your friend here was very lucky that his arm and legs healed fine after his first traumatic injury, and he's extremely lucky that his burns didn't cause him any permanent skin damage. But if he's not careful, there could be a time when he hurts himself so much that I can't fix it."

Angry Boi trembled with something that he'd never really felt before. It wasn't high anger, because he didn't feel like crying. It wasn't rage, because he didn't feel like punching someone. It felt like someone had dumped a bucket of ice water on him. He was tense. He was shivering. Goosebumps rose on his skin. He didn't know it at the time, but that was an emotion called fear. He was scared for his friend's safety. But he didn't understand it, because he had never known true fear. (Even that day when the Ooze Dude got him, Explochan didn't feel like this. That day, he had only felt intense rage.) Therefore, he just called the feeling "cold anger."

Fortunately, he didn't have to suffer in cold anger for too long, because the stupid singing robots reappeared, carrying yet another patient for the nurse. This kid was bleeding profusely from a giant gash on his forehead. He was passed out, so another student had accompanied him. The bleeding kid was a random nobody, but the girl accompanying him was Support Item Girl from the support item course in UH. The one that calls her inventions "her babies." She told Nurse Kisses, "We had an accident while making some babies!" She seemed excited about that.

Nurse Kisses sighed. To Explodey Boi, she said, "You're free to return to class." But she knew that he wouldn't. After all, she had noticed that Explodey had stayed by Green Boi's side after each injury.

...

Back at the monitoring room, the students of Class 1-A were still shocked that they had just witnessed what would have been a case of manslaughter, if Nurse Kisses wasn't capable of healing injuries that would otherwise be fatal. Froakie summarized it best by saying, "This class is intense."

Red Head Dude grumbled, "I know it was a bad breakup but, damn! Did he want to kill Green Boi?"

Pinky, the Alien Fashionista, overheard, and asked, "Are you serious? He tried to kill him because of lover's quarrel?"

Honey Sweet Laser Belly twirl around and winked. "No way!" He shouted in English, as fireworks appeared behind him and sparkled, glittering the words "No Way!" in English. Then he returned to speaking Japanese, "They were getting along fine earlier. Didn't you see when Bean Child-kun wrote on Explodey Boi-kun's gauntlets?"

Six Arms raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, and even before that, Bean Child was helping Explodey Boi put on his glove things in the locker room. But they were cursing each other out the entire time."

"I don't understand what's happening here," Pinky said.

The Spikey Red Romance Dude offered his perception of the situation, "I'm not completely sure either, but I think Explodey Boi is really angry because Green Boi broke up with him. Green Boi sees him as a friend now, but Explodey Boi is still in love with him."

That's the exact opposite of what Green Boi told him in Chapter 10, but whatever.

Duct Tape Dude said, "Well I can guess the reason why they broke up. Explodey Boi is crazy."

Bird Guy agreed, saying, "I could only imagine the sort of abuse Bean Child-kun must have suffered during that relationship."

Headphone Girl crossed her arms in front of her chest and scoffed. "Bean Child seems like the kind of guy who falls in love with guys who treat him like shit. Did you see how he apologized for Explodey Boi after he insulted all of our costumes?"

Martial Arts Kid, who was still very offended by what Explodey Boi had said, whined, "I still can't believe he told me to choke on dick. That's just mean…"

Bird Guy placed a comforting hand on Martial Arts Kid's shoulder. "Don't worry, there's a special place in hell for the likes of him."

Luckily, the gossip was stopped when All American returned to the Monitor Room, along with Glasses Guy and Blushy. He was explaining to them why he had stopped the exercise, "So then Young Explodey Boi released his full explosive power on Young Bean Child, wounding him so severely that he had to be taken to Nurse Kisses via Robot Ambulance."

"Yikes," Blushy replied.

Glasses Guy said, "I see! Explodey Boi embraced the prompt of this exercise and got too deep into character, thus he actually became a villain!" He bowed. "I apologize Sensei! I should have been more alert to the intentions of my partner and stopped him!"

Blonde Superman sighed, and pinched the part of his forehead in between his eyes in frustration. "It's not your fault, Young Engine Legs." To the rest of the class, he said, "Students, I didn't think I had to say this, but I guess I do. DON'T TRY TO KILL YOUR OPPONENTS."

They all nodded.

All American opened up his handy-dandy teacher's pocket guide to see what he should do next. _Pick an MVP (most valuable player) for the exercise. Then have the students discuss the successes and shortcomings of each participant._ All American groaned. Aloud, he said, "Okay, so, neither team won, because I had to stop the match. However, if I was to award the title of MVP to one student, I would choose…"

He looked beside him at the two participants who hadn't been severely injured. Blushy was just staring into space, like she was thinking about what she would eat for dinner. Glasses Guy looked tense, like he was hoping to win something. So All American just decided to say, "Young Engine Legs!"

"Oh my god, for real?!" exclaimed the excited Robot Calves Boi. "Me?" He was thrilled, but he was also confused. "Why?"

All American didn't expect to have to explain himself. "Mhmmm, valid question…" Then he had the bright idea to pose it as a question to the rest of the class. "Students! Who among you can explain why?"

Rich Tits jumped to his rescue. "Sir! I can explain why!" she said, raising her hand with the grace of a mage conjuring lightning bolts from the sky. "He was the only one who truly adapted to his assigned role."

She looked up to All American to see if her answer was correct. He was dead silent, with an intense look on his face, because he didn't know what the hell she was talking about.

Rich Tits noticed this, so she continued to speak, "I'll explain. Explodey Boi's actions were clouded by his emotions toward Bean Child. This caused him to abandon his partner and seriously harm his opponent. However, supposing this was a real fight, and it was a real hero he was fighting, using brutal force would be expected, as these are ruthless villians who have the potential to kill millions with a nuclear weapon. Yet, in a real situation, using such a powerful move that destroyed a section of the building would be dangerous, as it could have triggered the nuclear device. As for Bean Child, although he showed promise at the start of the battle, he was clearly overpowered by Explodey Boi. If this were a real battle, he would have died. Floaty Girl seemed to not take this entire exercise seriously, as evidenced by the fact she was laughing at Engine Legs, allowing him to notice where she was. Additionally, she was waiting for Bean Child to make the decisions about what to do. She showed no initiative. Because everyone else was so bad, the only logical choice for MVP was Engine Legs, who was mediocre at best."

All American started to wonder if he was even qualified to teach these teenagers, because Rich Tits definitely gave a better analysis of the situation than he could have ever thought up in a million years. Nonetheless, he gave Rich Tits a thumbs up, "Exactly." He laughed nervously and scratched the back of his head. "Alright, so let's move on to the next match."

…

After everyone else in Class 1-A did their Villain vs Hero Nuclear Challenge, All American stopped by Nurse Kisses's office to see how Green Boi and Angry Boi were doing. Precious Green was still fast asleep, all bandaged up, with an IV drip attached to his arm. Angry Boi was in an arm sling, watching him.

"Hello Nurse Kisses," said the Golden Superhero.

"Hello Blonde Superman," replied the Frustrated Old Lady. "I see you're teaching your students how to be reckless."

"Hehehe…" He could only laugh nervously, because he felt guilty about the whole situation. "I'll do better next time."

In a rare display of civility, Angry Boi said, "Don't blame him Grandma, it was all my fault."

Both adults looked at this high-angry teen. They saw deep regret in his eyes. Nurse Kisses scoffed, and returned to typing up her patients' information into their digital health records. All American sat down beside Angry Boi and told him, "Now that you've seen the error of your ways, you can improve. You have marvelous power, Young Explodey Boi, but don't let that power be your downfall."

All American Expected Angry Boi to reply with some sort of poetic, character-growth-inducing response, like, "I swear, I'll learn to control my power," or "This power, it's a curse—but I'll turn it into a blessing," But no. Angry Boi looked All American right in the eye and demanded, "Kick this Green Bean Bitch out of this shitty school."

Nurse Kisses had to turn around again to see All American's response to that one. The Super Teacher was so taken aback that his shoulders hunched and his head retreated, making him look like a Double-Chinned Super Turtle. "Huh?!"

"He's a weak little piece of shit! Anyone else would have avoided that attack!"

"He didn't avoid it because he didn't expect you to Rage on him like that!"

"He should've expected it! We've been friends since we were born! Why did he **not** think I'd try to kill him?!"

"What kind of logic is that!?" All American shook his head and tried to make sense of the nonsense he'd just heard. "Look kid, just get your shit together."

"You get your shit together!"

"No, **you** get your shit together! You insulted my class, insulted me, and, frankly, insulted yourself by making a damn fool of yourself! If anything, I should kick **you** out of this damn school!"

"Oh go eat ass you useless, shitty teacher."

All American wanted to smack this disrespectful child upside the head. His rippling muscles tensed with joy in anticipation of hitting this kid, but he denied himself that satisfaction. As an adult, he knew that he can't hit children—unless they're villains. Instead, he stood up and left Nurse Kisses's office, to calm down, and to release his muscular form.

Nurse Kisses stared at Angry Boi, who was quietly seething in rage. Then she handed him several pamphlets on meditation, mindfulness, and anger management skills.

…

When Green Boi awoke, it was late afternoon. He blinked a couple of times as his eyes adjusted to the red-orange rays of sunlight pouring in through the window. He draped the arm that wasn't hooked up to the IV drip, over his face. At first, he was a little disoriented, but soon he remembered what happened. "That son of a bitch Raged on me," he said to himself, "using the stupid fucking gauntlets that **_I_** designed, and that **_I_** helped him wear. I'm gonna kill him."

"Why don't you say that to my face?" replied Angry Boi.

Green Bean hadn't noticed that his friend was sitting down on a chair beside his bed. He immediately regretted what he said, and was about to apologize profusely, but then he noticed the arm sling around Explochan's right arm. "Shiiit, are you okay? What happened to your arm?"

Angry Boi glared at him. "I broke it in ten places."

"WHAT?!"

"I'll never be able to use it again."

"WHAT?!" Green Boi sat up and tried to get a better look at the arm. "Holy shit! Why?! What happened?"

Standing up, Angry Boi said, "I guess I'll just have to give up on being a hero and quit this stupid, shitty school."

Green Boi frowned. "I'm not an idiot." He laid down again. "I almost believed you too, until you said you were dropping out of UH."

Angry Boi sat down beside him on the bed. "But I nearly made you shit your pants, huh?"

"Yeah."

Turning away, Angry whispered, "…So now you know how I feel."

"Huh?"

"Clean your ears, Green Boi. I said I want to know how you feel."

"I'm fine."

"…I didn't mean to whoop your ass so hard." That was Explochan's version of an apology.

Green Boi nodded. "I know."

"Don't go dying on me, okay?" Explochan grumbled.

Green Boi chuckled. He reached out to grab Explochan's good hand. "Of course not. I'm gonna be the world's best hero."

Angry Boi looked into Green Boi's eyes. Green Boi's eyes widened as the distance between their faces became smaller and smaller. Angry Boi was leaning closer to him, slowly. Yet, Green Boi's mind couldn't process what was happening quick enough. It wasn't until their lips almost touched that Green Boi realized, _HOLY SHIT IS HE TRYING TO KISS ME?!_

(Un)Luckily for the Green Bean, Nurse Kisses returned to the infirmary right then. Her attention was focused on a stack of papers, and she called out, "Mr. Explodey Boi, it seems like your family medical history shows a long lineage of anger management problems." When she looked up from the stack of papers, she saw a red-faced green boy laying down on the bed, and an embarrassed angry boy sitting down on the chair beside the bed. "Oh, he's awake," she said, immediately realizing what she had interrupted. "Let me take out that IV tube and send you boys on your way."

So the two walked home in silence. Green Boi was still red in the face, and Angry Boi was still embarrassed. The silence was painfully awkward for both of them, but neither wanted to discuss what had just happened. Though neither of them would ever admit it, they both wished Nurse Kisses hadn't walked in right at that moment.

 **Author's Note:**

 **Thank you all for the supportive comments! I try to respond to each one. Writing this fanfic is super fun and I'm glad you guys enjoy it.**

 **Also, if you're interested, I have a webcomic called "Hikikonekomori" on Line Webtoons Discover, so check that out if you like my storytelling style. (The art isn't awesome, but it gets better...)**


	16. Class Shenanigans I

Green Boi laid in his bed that night, writing fanfiction, and wondering, _Was he seriously going to kiss me?_

That question bugged him all night, and all morning as he got dressed for his, wow, only his THIRD day of school. He was exhausted already.

"Have a great day Green Bean!" his mother cheered as he walked out the door. He forced a smile for her, so she wouldn't worry. But as he took the train to school, he couldn't help but think about what had happened during that moment in Nurse Kisses's office. _I was still kind of dizzy, I think,_ he told himself. _I must have imagined that he was trying to kiss me. He was probably trying to headbutt me._ Green Boi, satisfied with this answer, nodded his head. _Yup. Explochan was trying to hurt me. That makes sense._

…

When he arrived at his homeroom class in UH, he found his classmates in lively spirits. "Hey, it's Green Boi!" shouted Red Head Dude.

"Yep, that's me," answered Green Boi, scratching the back of his head. He hoped his classmates wouldn't bully him for being pathetic during that battle yesterday.

"Are you alright?" asked a Pinky, Duct Tape Guy, Honey Sweet Boi and Sugar Daddy.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

Red Head wrapped an arm around Green Boi. "We thought you were dead! You didn't come back to class and neither did Explodey Boi." He pointed to an empty desk. "And he's still not here, so we thought he was in mourning or something."

Green Boi broke out of Red Head's intense friendship grasp. "Well, I'm fine and he knows I'm fine."

Honey Sweet Laser Belly asked, "Did you two kiss and make up?"

"NO!" Green Boi said that more forcefully than he meant to.

"Oh, so you did?" Pinky asked. "That's so cute!"

Red Head stomped his foot. "No it's not cute! You need a man that treats you right! He didn't even walk you to school today! That's the least he can do to apologize!"

Sugar Daddy nodded. "If I had a cute girlfriend, I'd walk her to school every day, even if she lived on the opposite end of the city. I'd walk through rain, sleet, snow, or hail. Freezing cold or burning heat. Because my love for her would sustain me."

Duct Tape Dude agreed. "When I get a girlfriend, I'm gonna tell her how much she means to me every day. I'll take her on dates every weekend and I'll buy her a cute little necklace to remind her of me when I'm not around. That's the type of guy you need in your life, Green Boi."

"Why are you guys telling me this?" mumbled Greenie.

Red Head sighed, saying, "We're telling you this because you need to know what a healthy relationship is. There are so many sexy guys in this school, who are also genuinely nice guys, so you don't need to stick with Explodey Boi."

Although it wasn't invited in the conversation, a sour grape arrived to spoil the fun. "Sexy guys?! Wrong! The true selling point of this anime is the sexy ladies! There's five gorgeous gals for us to feast our eyes on!" He pulled out his cellphone and opened up his Tumblr app. This occurred before the Great Purge of December 2018, when people could still draw NSFW (not safe for work) fanart of anime characters.

Most Hated Grape Baby scrolled through the many blogs that he followed, which posted highly sexualized fanart of the girls of Class 1-A. He said, "They should call it My Waifu Academia, because it satisfies all of the major fetishes." He pointed to Froakie, "We've got the animal girl." Then he pointed to Alien Queen Pinkie, "The monster girl." He pointed to Rich Tits, "The big boobie girl." He pointed to Headphone Girl, "The tomboy girl." He pointed to Blushy, "The typical female lead character girl." Finally, he pointed to Invisible Girl, "And the naked girl who's not really naked."

Alien Queen spewed acid at him, barely missing his sour grape face. "It literally hurts me when you exist around me," she hissed.

"I'm just a caricature of a typical anime fan," Grape Baby argued. "I'm the epitome of otaku culture!"

"No you're not," Green Boi fiercely told him. "You're the epitome of everything we hate about otaku culture."

"Jesus Christ, can we kill it?" Pinky begged.

Green Boi said, "There's already a precedent. A lot of fanfics either kill him off or erase him completely."

"I'm all for it," Sugar Daddy agreed, cracking his knuckles.

Even though he wasn't even in this conversation, Bird Guy called out, "I'll help. Lil' Peepers has been yearning for bloodshed."

Duct Tape Guy pulled some tape from his elbows. "No, no, guys, calm down. We're heroes, not murderers. Horikoshi-sensei created him for a reason, so out of respect for our creator, let's just let him live." He walked over to Grape Baby and securely fastened tape around his mouth. "See? This works. Let's just pretend we don't see or hear him."

But Red Head didn't like that idea. "Isn't this symbolic of how the larger population of anime fans are willfully ignorant of some of the morally questionable things that anime promotes or exploits? For instance, the hyper-sexualization of teenage and pre-pubescent girls?"

"Let's not get into that right now," Duct Tape Dude insisted, "We're just trying to have a little fun with this fanfiction. We're not trying to solve the world's problems."

"But this is an anime and manga series about _heroes_ , who by definition, solve the world's problems. Isn't this a great space to talk about these sorts of issues?"

"Okay, so what's one fanfiction going to do about that?"

"Well it could change one person's mind, and that one person could influence another, and that person could influence another, until exponential growth happens."

Pinky waved her hands, as if to swat away this conversation. "See what he makes us do? Grape Jelly Shit makes us get all philosophical, because his character is just so bad that we start to question everything in existence. Entire fandoms have been torn apart because of problematic characters like him."

Green Boi begged to differ. "It's pretty much a consensus among BnHA fans that Rotten Jelly Baby is the most hated character."

Sugar Daddy chuckled. "BnHA? You call it BnHA?"

Green Boi blushed. "Yeah? And so what?"

"Weeb."

"What?! No! I'm not a weeb!"

"Then call it MHA."

"No! The Japanese name is BnHA. I have the right to call it whatever I want. Anyway, we weren't even talking about that. We were talking about Explochan and how sexy he is."

Honey Sweet raised his Honey Sweet Eyebrows(TM). "You think he's sexy?"

Green Boi realized he had walked out of the frying pan and into the fire. "I mean, that's what we all agreed, right?" He faced Red Head Dude. "We all agreed on that before Purple Shit Baby interrupted us, right?"

"I think Explodey Boi is handsome, yeah, but he's a serious jerk," explained Spikey Red. "So if you're still attracted to him, you've got to learn that some guys just aren't worth the pain. What you and Explodey Boi have isn't a healthy relationship. My advice would be to stay away from him until he shows tangible signs of improvement, and after you see significant progress, maybe you can give him another chance."

Green Boi blinked. "Wow… You guys really care about me."

They nodded.

Green Boi felt like crying. His Slice-of-Life High School Experience had started out rough, but he was already making great friends.

…

On the other side of the room, the cool students were just hanging out, talking. Headphone Girl was saying, "So I totally broke the ancient cursed clay jar and unleashed the demon upon her. That's my only experience with that kind of stuff."

Bird Guy nodded. "I'm impressed. Most people I talk to know nothing about the dark arts."

Martial Arts Kid was one of those people, but he really wanted to be part of the conversation, so he said, "I'm not familiar with dark arts, but I know a lot about martial arts."

"I'd like to learn someday," said Headphone Girl. "Think you could teach me a thing or two?"

"Yes, Lil' Peepers finds such skills useful."

Martial Arts Kid felt happy to find acceptance. He blushed and nodded. "Of course. I'd love to have some training partners."

The Cool Students were interrupted by Engine Legs, who was running at them like he was a cop on hot pursuit. "Bird Guy-kun, don't sit on the desk like it's a chair! Get off of it this instant."

The three of them looked at Engine Legs as if he was speaking Spanish, not Japanese. He fumed in self-righteous, petty-rule fury. Headphone Girl said, "Dude… you need to chill."

Engine Legs was slapped by her nonchalant response. This was the second time in three days that a student had disrespected the rules, and then rebuked him for trying to correct their misbehavior. For a moment, he wondered if in UH, there were no rules against sitting on desks, or scuffing up school property. _Am I the one in the wrong here?_ Engine Legs wondered. _Am I missing some sort of common knowledge? Have I stepped into an alternate reality where it's okay to sit on desks, or kick your shoes up and lounge around like a delinquent?_

Martial Arts Guy noticed, "Um, you're holding a lot of tension."

Of course Glasses Guy was holding tension! This was insane! Students should not sit on desks! That's what chairs are for! So then, why were his fellow students—who would be future heroes—disregarding the most basic rules? Were these the people who would become eventually enforce the law? How could it be possible for someone to enforce laws that govern a country when they couldn't even obey rules that govern a classroom?

It didn't compute in the robot side of his brain. This perplexing conundrum vexed Engine Legs so much that he wondered if his code was wonky. Were his drivers out of date? Maybe he was running too many programs in the background, and didn't have enough RAM to process the situation. He suspected that a quick reboot might help. So Glasses Guy restarted his system.

"Is he okay?" wondered Headphone Girl, as she watched Glasses Guy go limp. He was still standing, but he looked dead. His eyes had rolled back into his head, and his jaw was slack, giving him a zombie-like face. She approached him and snapped her fingers in front of him. "Hey? Engine Legs? Hello?"

Engine Legs soon rebooted. The life returned to his expression, as he double checked his CPU usage and did a one-minute quick scan for viruses. When he was sure that the error wasn't his processing unit, he released his rule-abiding rage on his classmates. "I cannot condone actions that disrespect these desks! Not when great men and women—our upperclassmen—once used them!"

Headphone Girl turned to Birdy. "Hey, just get off the desk. I think he had a mini-stroke because of it."

Bird Guy acquiesced. "As you wish."

Martial Arts Guy piped in, "Hey, Engine Legs, maybe it helps if you say what you want to say in a different tone."

"Different tone?" Engine Legs repeated. "YES! How could I have been so daft?! That was a variable I was not accounting for! Tone of voice! Thank you, Arts Kid-kun." He bowed, and marched away.

"Weird… but he's probably a nice guy," the three cool kids agreed.

…

Pikachu Boi was walking to class, when, just his luck, he bumped into Floaty Girl in the hallway. He didn't literally bump into her, though. He simply saw her walking ahead of him and hurried to speak with her. "Hey," he said.

"Hi!" she replied.

He blushed a little. Her smile was brighter than sunshine. That smile reminded him of his best friend back in middle school. "So, um, you're Blushy Floaty Girl, right?"

"Yup. And you are?"

He was a little bit offended that she didn't recognize him. "I'm Pikachu Dude. From your class?"

"HUH?! You're in my class?!" She chuckled. "Geez, I'm sorry! There's just too many people. I can't remember every single student." She sighed. "I bet that's gonna be on the midterm test. I should start studying."

"Uh, I don't think the class roster is gonna be on the test." He laughed a little. "And it's no big deal. I understand. It's weird that there's so many characters for everyone to remember, but when you do learn all the characters, it's nice to see how everyone interacts."

Blushy nodded her head in agreement. "It's really fun to think about all the adventures we'll all have as classmates and friends." She put a little pep in her step as she walked down the hall. "I'm so excited to make friends with everyone and be a tight-knit community of future heroes."

Pikachu Dude smiled. "Me too! So, can I call you Blushy?"

"Sure! But I wanna call you a cool nickname too."

"You can call me Zap Boi. Or Sparky. Or Electrodude. I had a ton of nicknames in middle school. I was super popular."

The nickname statement was true, but the popularity statement was a lie. Back in middle school, Pikachu dude didn't have many friends. He spent most of his time with this one kid who had a quirk similar to his. The only difference is that the other kid had to rub his hands together really fast to generate his electric sparks. His name was Shitty Spark Quirk Kid. He was a short, blonde-haired kid, with rosy cheeks and a toothy grin. He had coined up a dozen nicknames for Pikachu Dude, including the three that he had told Blushy.

Shitty Spark Quirk Kid had big hopes of getting into the UH Hero Course. As Shitty Spark and Pika Boi headed into separate Practice City Battlefields to take their entrance exams, the two friends bid each other good luck.

That was the last time Pikachu Dude ever saw his friend.

Shitty Spark Quirk Kid died during the exam.

Pikachu Dude blamed himself. He wished he had told his friend that his quirk was shitty. Maybe then the idiot wouldn't have gone and gotten himself killed. But each time Pikachu Dude started having those feelings of despair, he remembered the excited look on his friend's face right before they went their separate ways. His friend was smiling. Shitty Spark Quirk Kid died trying to achieve his dreams. There is nothing more honorable than that.

So now, as Pikachu Dude walked down the halls with Blushy at his side, he was suddenly reminded of how lucky he was to have a chance to study at UH. And he reassured himself that he would become a great hero—both for his own sake, and to honor the memory of his late best friend.

He was pulled away from his thoughts, when Blushy said, "I think I like Zap Boi the best." She tapped his shoulder. "Zap zap. Hehehe."

Zap Boi felt like crying, because Shitty Spark used to tap his shoulder and say the same thing. The last thing he had ever said to Pikachu Dude was, "Zap zap! Good luck! See you later!" It was a good memory. He would always treasure those words. "Zap Boi it is then," Pikachu Dude agreed.

The two of them approached the 1-A classroom door. Pikachu Dude, being a gentleman, opened the door for Blushy, as he asked, "Wanna grab a bite to eat sometime? What stuff do you like?"

"Uhhh, anything sweet—Green Boi!" She immediately ignored Pikachu Dude in favor of the Green Bean who had gotten his ass whopped during the training exercise yesterday. Pikachu Dude frowned at first, because he had been so close to getting a date with Blushy, but once he saw her genuine concern for Green Boi, he couldn't help but smile. He watched as she pinched Green Boi's cheeks and asked, "Are you okay?"

Green Boi blushed as he replied, "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine! Don't worry about me."

"How could I not worry? Your stupid ex-boyfriend nearly fried you to a crisp!"

"He's not my ex!" Green Boi yelled, hoping that someone would listen.

Pikachu Dude once again frowned. He felt that Explodey Boi should be happy to be in the same class as his ex-boyfriend. So what if they had a really bad break up? At least Green Boi and Angry Boi were in the same class, in a top-ranked hero course, at a prestigious high school. Pikachu Dude would give anything to have his best friend here with him.

Speaking of the devil, Explodochan marched into the classroom, pushing Zap Boi out of the doorway. "Move punk," the little bomb growled as he headed toward his seat… but not before stopping to ask Green Boi, "Hey, asshole, you okay?"

Everyone, especially Green Boi, was surprised by the unusual show of human decency from Angry Boi. Greenie simply nodded. Then Angry Boi sat down, kicked his feet up, and leaned back in his chair.

Upon seeing another instance of the violation of rules, Engine Legs marched over to Angry Boi, ready to test out his new and improved disciplinary algorithm. Unfortunately, Engine Legs had misunderstood Martial Arts Kid, and decided to make his tone of voice even more abrasive and authoritative. He shouted, "Explodey Boi-kun! Get your feet off your desk this instant!"

Angry Boi wasn't about to allow Engine Legs to speak to him like that. "Oh yeah? Eat my ass and maybe I will."

"I will do no such thing!" replied the flustered Robot Boi, now at a loss of what to do. He had been certain that this new method of reproach would be effective. Luckily Green Boi came to his aid and begged, "Explochan, come on, please sit like you have some goodamn sense."

To Engine Legs' surprise, Angry Boi obliged Green Boi's request. But while he sat like he had some goodamn sense, he complained, "Wow, so everyone wants to crucify me for relaxing. All of you should go eat ass."

Once again, Engine Legs had to reanalyze his disciplinary program.


	17. Popular Vote

"Alright you little shits, good morning," said Homeroom Teacher Ninja Eyes as he trudged into the classroom, late for the third day in a row. He looked horrible. His oily hair was clinging to his sweaty forehead, and his clothes were wrinkled and grungy. He looked and sounded like he had a hangover. He smelled musty. There were bags under his eyes, and his face was scruffy with facial hair, because he hadn't shaved. It would be redundant to say Ninja Eyes looked like a fucking mess.

Of course Engine Legs had to say something about that. He stood up at his desk. His glasses flashed. He executed his revised disciplinary program: disciplinary_action_ .

He stood up and said, "Ninja Eyes-sensei, come on, please come to class like you have some goodamn sense."

The entire class gaped Engine Legs, completely mystified as to why he felt the need to fuss at their homeroom teacher, the same teacher that had threatened to expel someone on the first day of school. Ninja Eyes was equally taken aback. "Excuse me?" retorted the teacher.

"You disrespect the holiness of UH by looking like that when you show up to teach your class," Engine Legs explained. There are showers in the locker rooms down the hall, so maybe you could go take a shower there. Meanwhile, I will personally take your clothes to the laundry rooms in the basement, and wash them. After you shower, I'll bring them to you. That way, you can look presentable to your students."

Weirdly enough, it worked. Ninja Eyes, who had never been rebuked so kindly by a student, was actually impressed by Engine Legs' boldness, and the simplicity, yet effectiveness, of his proposed solution. So Ninja Eyes replied, "Okay." He yawned and stretched his hands up into the air. "But first, we need to pick a class representative." He leaned forward onto his desk. "As you know, it's a lot of responsibility, but it's a great resume booster, and it looks good on college applications. The position shows that you have leadership skills and social skills. And, honestly it's an unofficial requirement to be recruited into the top Hero Agencies. Some of the best agencies won't even look at your application unless you were the class representative in high school. All American was the class rep of his class when he studied here. But I digress. So, who would like to be class rep?"

The class burst into chaos. Everyone was shouting at Ninja Eyes about how much they wanted to be Class Rep. Red Head Dude waved his hands around, saying, "Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!" while Headphone Girl said, "Yeah, I'm probably the best for the job," while Pikachu Dude said, "I could do it," while Honey Sweet said, "Someone with style would be best. Someone like me!" while Pinky said, "I'm like, totally the right pick!" while Blushy said, "I wanna do it!" while Six Arms said, "I volunteer," while Bird Guy said, "Lil' Peepers and I can be Class Rep and Deputy," while Invisible Girl said, "Not me. I'm lazy," while Green Boi said, "Um, I'd like to do it maybe," while Angry Explodey screamed, "OF COURSE I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN HANDLE THE JOB!" while Grape Baby said, "Me! I'd be a great leader!"

"Shut up!" everyone else, even Ninja Eyes, snapped at him.

"I thought I taped your mouth shut," added Duct Tape Guy, who pulled out a fresh piece of tape from his elbows. "Who told you to pull it off?" He double-wrapped Shitty Stupid Grape's mouth, while Engine Legs proposed an idea. He said, "The job of the class rep is to lead others. That's not an easy task. It can only be done by someone who knows the rules. Someone who is the rules. Someone who embodies the rules."

"Someone like you?" Blushy said, louder than she had intended to.

Glasses Guy Engine Legs was flattered. "Me?! Well, if you insist. I accept your nomination, Floaty Girl-chan."

"No, no, no, I meant that as an aside," she quickly said. "I am not nominating you."

"Oh…" He was a little bit disappointed, but that gave Engine Legs an idea. "Well, on that note, wouldn't it make sense to elect a class rep democratically?"

Froakie, always a voice of reason, said, "I don't think so. I don't think we've known each other long enough for us to really gauge each other's personalities, strengths and weaknesses. In the end, everyone will just vote for themselves."

Glasses Guy pounded his hand into the palm of his other hand. "Yes, you're right Froakie. Most people will vote for themselves. But I'm sure there will be a few who vote for another person. Therefore, whoever gets the most votes must be the most suitable for the job."

"Or the most popular student," argued Froakie. "This election will be about popularity, not about qualifications, because we don't know each other's qualifications. This is only our third day knowing each other." She looked around. "I don't even know half of your names."

"Then shall we introduce ourselves again? I'm Glasses Guy Engine Legs, from Rules and Regulations Middle Sch—"

Froakie tapped her chin with her index finger and said, "Ribbit. I know who you are. You've been one of the loudest students in the class."

"Have I? I apologize! So Froakie, how do you suppose we pick a Class Rep?"

"Hm… Ribbitt… I suppose we could have two rounds of elections. The first round will be a simple 'yes or no' elimination round. For this first round, everyone can vote multiple times. This is how it will work. Ninja Eyes sensei will write everyone's name on the board. Then everyone will vote yes or no to answer the question, 'Does this student seem like they will be a good class rep?' Students are allowed to vote for themselves, so that means each student can earn between 0 to 20 yes votes. The students who earn ten or more votes—that's 50 percent of the class saying yes— will advance to the second round. For the second round, the student will give a brief introduction of themselves and explain why they would be a good class rep. Then from amongst those students, the class will vote democratically, one vote per person, for the class rep."

"That sounds reasonable," everyone else agreed. So Engine Legs faced Ninja Eyes and asked, "Sensei, do you approve?"

Ninja Eyes shrugged. "Sure, whatever." He picked up a piece of chalk and started writing each student's name on the chalkboard. Except Grape Baby. He didn't write Grape Baby. Once he finished, he said, "Just in case you don't know the names of each student in class, I wrote it in the order of seating, from left to right down the rows. So the first person is Rich Tits, sitting here," he gestured to Rich Tits, "and the last person is +Anima sitting there," he gestured to +Anima. "Also, to make this fair, we'll do a blind vote. When it's your turn to be voted on, close your eyes so that you don't know who is voting for you. I'll Understand?"

Everyone nodded.

And the voting began.

 **Rich Tits: 16**

 **Half White Prince Zuko: 4**

 **Glasses Guy Engine Legs: 10**

 **Blushy Floaty Girl: 2**

 **Precious Green Bean Child: 4**

 **Spikey Red Head Dude: 10**

 **Everyone's Favorite Frog Girl (Froakie): 19**

(She didn't vote for herself.)

 **Angry Explodey Boi: 1**

As soon as he saw the result, Angry Explodey was—you guessed it—angry. "WHAT?! I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO VOTED FOR MYSELF?! GREEN BOI YOU SHITTY TRAITOR! YOU DIDN'T VOTE FOR ME!?"

Green Boi was about to explain to Angry Boi that he would probably be a shitty class rep, but Spikey Red jumped in to the former's defense, saying, "Green Boi doesn't need to vote for you. He doesn't owe you anything."

Angry Boi scowled at Spikey Red. Then the scowl turned into a vicious smile. The spiteful Bomb Boi said, "Hey Ninja Eyes, can I take back my vote for this Crimson Colored Fuck? And while you're at it, erase my vote for the Green Bean Bitch too."

The teacher shrugged, and erased one vote for Precious Green, and one vote for Spikey Red, bringing the latter down to 9 votes, which kicked him out of the running for the second round. Spikey Red was surprised, and frankly flattered, that Angry Boi had voted for him in the first place. Even if he did take it back, the initial thought still counted.

 **Pikachu Dude: 4**

 **Duct Tape Guy: 6**

 **Headphone Girl: 5**

 **Bird Guy (and Lil' Peepers): 9**

Bird Guy and Lil' Peepers were disappointed. "If only we had one more vote. Alas, that is fate."

 **Alien Queen Pinky: 2**

 **Six Arms: 3**

 **Invisible Girl: 1**

Invisible Girl was confused. "Who voted for me? I didn't even vote for myself."

Grape Baby replied, "I voted for all the girls."

Duct Tape Guy pulled out another piece of tape. "Wow, you're really persistent," he said, reapplying the adhesive to Grape Baby's mouth.

Blushy realized something. "Wait! That means…Green Boi! You didn't vote for me!?"

Green Boi scratched the back of his head awkwardly. He mumbled, "You're awesome Blushy, but I dunno if you'd make a good class rep."

She whined, "But I voted for you! I thought we were friends!"

"I'm so sorry!"

Ninja Eyes snapped his fingers. "Hey! Hey, I said this was blind vote, remember? Let's move on."

 **Honey Sweet Laser Belly: 1**

 **Sugar Daddy: 1**

 **Martial Arts Kid: 1**

 **+Anima: 0**

Alien Queen turned around and asked, "Hey +Anima, why didn't you vote for yourself?"

+Anima shrunk in his seat and didn't answer that question. The reason was that he didn't want to lead the class until he figured out how to use his quirk to control the minds of humans. Besides, it sounded like a stressful job and he's a shy guy.

Ninja Eyes looked at the results and said, "Okay, so the students that qualified for the democratic election round are Rich Tits, Glasses Guy Engine Legs, and Froakie."

Froakie raised her hand. She said, "No thank you. I drop out."

"Hm? Why?"

"This class has too much drama. Ribbit."

"You're preaching to the choir." Ninja Eyes yawned. "So now that Froakie dropped out, that actually makes the decision much easier. Miss Tits, since you had the highest amount of confidence votes, you'll be the Class Rep, and Engine Legs, you'll be the Deputy Class Rep. Any objections?"

Angry Boi growled, "I don't want that annoying half-motorbike piece-of-shit as deputy class rep. I didn't vote for him."

Ninja Eyes said, "If you don't want Engine Legs as your deputy rep, then give your vote back to Spikey Red. Then you'll trigger the second round election and maybe Spikey Red and Rich Tits will win."

"Fuck that! I'd rather eat ass."

Ninja Eyes shrugged. "Okay, then it's decided." The teacher walked toward the door. "I'll let your new class rep run the class while the deputy rep does my laundry and I go take a shower. Come on Engine Legs, let's go."

"Yes!" Engine Legs said as he followed Ninja Eyes.

Once they left, Rich Tits went to the front of the class, bowed, and said, "Thank you for voting for me, everyone. I appreciate it."

Everyone responded something like, "Of course," or "You're welcome", but Angry Boi shouted, "You seem to have your shit together, so I don't mind you being my class rep. But the rest of you assholes, I'm gonna kick all ten of your butts for voting for that stick-up-the-ass dork!" He looked around, ready to whoop some ass. Then he realized, "Shit, I can't remember who voted for him. Alright, fess up! Who was it?"

No one said anything.

"Come on you pieces of shit, who voted for him?"

"It's supposed to be a blind vote," said Froakie. "So no one has to tell you who they voted for."

Angry Boi knew she was right. But there was one person who he definitely needed to ask. "Green Boi! Did you vote for him?"

Green Boi wanted to remain silent, but Angry Boi glared at him with so much fury that it overwhelmed him. He admitted, "Well, yes…"

"So you voted for him, but not for me?" Angry Explodey sparked small explosions on his hands and growled.

Spikey Red was about to jump to Green Boi's defense, but Froakie placed a hand on his shoulder and shook her head, saying, "This isn't your battle. Ribbit."

Green Boi told Angry Boi, "Well yeah. Engine Legs seems like he'd take the job seriously. I'm pretty sure you wouldn't."

"Fuck you!"

"Alright then, fuck me. Whatever."

"No, seriously, FUCK YOU!"

"I'm fucked! You happy?!"

Just to be clear, no actual fucking occurred. This was just a loud verbal exchange of swear words. And after Green Boi said that, Angry Boi sat down in his seat and growled. But he didn't fight anyone, and kept quiet the rest of the day.

Froakie mentioned, "I don't know if I can survive three entire years of this drama. Ribbit."


	18. Plot Points

Green Bean, Blushy Floaty and Glasses Guy sat together at lunch for the rest of the week.

[ **Blushy, Greenie, and Glasses' Lunchroom Adventures]**

Today, the trio sat at a booth, beside some random no-name students. Blushy took a bite of rice. "Mmmm! Yum! So good!" She exhaled with joy. "How do people even grow rice so good? Like, what's the secret?" She took another bite.

Green Boi, who was eating a rice bowl with eggs, meat and veggies, said, "Depending on the type of rice, and how you grow it, it can have different tastes. Plus, I bet the chefs at UH know special techniques to boil the rice to the perfect texture."

"Special techniques? I don't think there's a special technique to it. All you do is add rice and water in a rice cooker and BAM! Fluffy white rice!"

Engine Legs shook his head. "You sound like someone who doesn't respect the sanctity of boiling rice."

Floaty Girl rolled her eyes. "I know we're Japanese, but you don't have to start talking about the 'sanctity of rice'. That's racist."

Green Boi argued, "I think the correct word is 'stereotypical', not 'racist'."

"What's the difference?"

"Stereotyping is when someone overgeneralizes something about a specific group of people. So taking the Japanese norm of prioritizing respect, and combining it with the Japanese norm of eating rice, would form the stereotype of respecting rice. But _racism_ is would be if someone hates or discriminates against Japanese people just because they are Japanese."

Engine Legs nodded. "And since I'm Japanese, I think neither of those apply to me. I'm simply saying that there is a way to respectfully prepare food, by putting love and dedication into forming each bite."

Blushy shrugged. "To me, that sounds like a Japanese stereotype or whatever."

Green Boi teased her, "Saying 'this rice is so good!' sounds stereotypical to me."

Blushy blushed. "Well it _is_ good! Whether I'm Japanese or not doesn't matter, because this rice is delicious." She took another bite. "But you know what ISN'T delicious?"

"What?"

"The fact that you didn't vote for me for class rep."

"Please don't be mad Blushy! I just don't think you'd be that great at it."

"Meanie!"

"I'm sorry!"

She took another bite of rice and pouted. "I'll forgive you this once. But only once."

"Yay! Thank you!"

"You're welcome."

Green Boi exhaled with relief. Then he thought about the votes he received. "So you voted for me, and so did Explochan and myself… I wonder who the fourth person who voted for me was."

Engine Legs admitted, "It was me."

Green Boi said, "Really?" at the same time Blushy said, "You didn't vote for me either, so I'm mad at you too Engine Legs."

Engine Legs responded to both of them, "Floaty Girl-chan, I'm sorry but we were tasked to vote whether we think the person in question is suitable for the position of class rep. Unfortunately, you seem to lax to be able to uphold the rules. That is why I didn't vote for you. Green Boi, on the other hand, has demonstrated that he can uphold the rules. In addition, he has taught me a great deal since I first met him."

Blushy asked, "Like what?"

"Firstly, during the entrance exams, I was astounded by his brilliance in focusing on being a hero, rather than racking up points. I learned that not all trials in life are what they seem. Secondly, I was astonished when we were playing duck-duck-goose, and he ran counterclockwise instead of clockwise. I learned that the solution to a problem might be to go against the grain. Thirdly, I was amazed by his ability to discipline his ex-boyfriend this morning."

"He's not my ex!" Green Boi interrupted.

"I learned that sometimes, one must adopt a softer, kinder tone of voice in order to sway people to follow the rules."

Blushy turned to Green Boi, "He's not your ex? Are you two back together again?"

"WE AREN'T DATING!" Green Boi screamed.

Blushy was confused. "So then what's the deal? He's so totally obsessed with you."

"He's just a family friend!"

Glasses Guy said, "Green Boi, as your deputy class representative, feel free to talk to me about any personal issues that may impact your academic success. I will try my hardest to provide a comfortable learning environment for you."

Green Boi wanted to die of embarrassment right then and there. "Guys, let's not talk about this anymore."

Blushy said, "Awe, don't worry Green Boi. I'm sure it'll work out in the end." Then she faced Glasses Guy. "So, how are you liking he job of Deputy Rep so far?"

"It is just as rewarding as I expected. After school today, I must attend a two-hour long training seminar with other newly elected Freshman Deputy Class Representatives. By the end of the week, I must draft and submit an action plan stating the goals of my class for this semester, and the processes I will execute to achieve them. Furthermore, by next week, I must familiarize myself with my fellow students and prepare a success-factor analysis, stating the methods by which I can help each one overcome their weaknesses and enhance their strengths."

Blushy's jaw dropped. "I'm glad I didn't get the job."

"Me too," said a surprised Green Boi.

…

The next day at lunch, the fourth day of school for Green Boi and his classmates, was a much calmer day. The morning classes flew by. At lunch, Blushy and Green Boi were watching Glasses Guy read over some papers while he ate. He worked efficiently, like a robot at an assembly line, scooping curry rice into his mouth with his right hand while his left hand turned the pages in a binder. His gaze was completely focused on his papers, so he wasn't looking at his food at all.

"He's so good at multitasking," Blushy said.

"Yeah," Green Boi agreed. "It's like an automated process."

"You think he'd say 'error, error, error' if I pushed his plate to the side?"

"Don't do it Blushy."

Blushy was sitting beside Engine Legs, so she couldn't restrain her curiosity. "I'm gonna do it." She moved his plate aside, so that when Engine Legs reached down to scoop, there was nothing there. His spoon scraped against the tabletop. He looked away from his papers. He stared at his plate, as if he was confused. He adjusted the plate back to its starting position, and resumed his eat_and_ .

Blushy and Green Boi chuckled. Their laughter caught Glasses Boi's attention. "Hmm?"

"Hey, Engine Legs, how'd you get so good at multitasking?" asked Blushy.

"I've had plenty of training. Since I was young, I've filed paperwork for my family's hero agency."

"Hero agency?!" Blushy and Green Boi said in unison. The latter continued, "Hold on, what does your family do?"

"We own a hero agency."

Blushy became curious. "You know, I've been wondering something about you… Admit it Engine Legs! Your family is rich!"

He nodded. "Yes, yes we are. As I've mentioned before, my father is Optimus Prime, the world-renown robot hero. After working for The Robots In Disguise Agency for several years, he married my mother and together they started their own hero agency. Our agency is a massive success, and we employ a dozen heroes, and over a hundred sidekicks. Are any of you familiar with the pro hero Turbo Legs?"

"YES!" squealed Green Boi. "I write about him all the time in my fanfictions!"

"Well he's my older brother!"

Green Boi blushed. "…Oh…" He gulped. "Hey, forget I said anything about fanfiction."

"Turbo Legs is an unmatched commander, who honors the hero code. He is a true example of someone who lives by the rules. I respect him highly, and aim to emulate him."

"That's great!" Blushy said. "Is he looking for a wife? Or are you looking for a girlfriend?"

"Huh? Floaty Girl-chan, what's with that sort of question all of a sudden?"

"My family is super poor. Like, dirt broke. My parents are terrible with money, and made some bad investments. They also own a failing construction company. Once I found out how bad we are financially, I realized my life could only head one of two ways. Either I would end up in a shoujo anime where I work for some rich guy who sexually harasses me, or forces me to call him 'master', or something along those lines, and after a couple dozen episodes, he'll marry me and I'll live happily ever after as his housewife and raise our child. Or, I could end up in a shounen anime, become a hero, and earn money for a couple of years, before marrying someone who will take care of me for the rest of my days so that I can retire to be a housewife and raise our child. Of course I chose the latter."

Green Boi mentioned, "Anime is kind of sexist, huh?"

Blushy shrugged, "Let's not get into that debate right now." She faced Engine Legs. "So what about it? Let's get married!"

"I will consider your offer in a few years," was his diplomatic reply. He was flustered though.

"Fair enough. What about you Green Boi? Is your family swimming in cash?"

He chuckled. "Nope. I'm just middle class."

"That's fine with me, honestly."

Now it was Green Boi's turn to be flustered. "Huh?! Fine with you? Um… uh…"

"Oh, I'm sorry! You still have feelings for Explodey Boi, right?"

"NO I DON'T!" shouted the Green Bean. He leaned back in his chair and looked up at the roof. "How many times do I have to say that I'm not dating him, I never was dating him, and I don't plan to date him?"

Glasses Guy reached out to place a comforting hand on Green Boi's shoulder. "Say whatever you need to say to ease the pain of the break up. I'm here as your friend to support you through this tough time."

Green Boi groaned.

…

On the fifth day of school, the three friends were finishing lunch when Blushy randomly said, "I was just thinking of something, Glasses Boi." That was her new nickname for him.

"And what is that?" asked the curious half-robot hero-in-training. He set aside the papers he was scribbling notes on.

"You'd look so much hotter without your glasses."

Green Boi gasped. "Yeah I bet he would! You should wear contacts Engine Legs."

"Take them off Glasses Boi! Let's see."

With a disapproving sigh, Glasses Boi shook his head. "Bean Child-kun, Floaty Girl-chan, instead of wasting lunch time discussion on these meaningless topics, we could be formulating our plan of action."

"Come on, just take off the glasses Engine Legs," begged Green Boi slowly reaching for them.

"I don't think you realize the situation that we're in." Glasses Boi leaned away and smacked Green Boi's hand aside.

"Oh, what situation is that?" Blushy said, while imagining Glasses minus his glasses.

With an authoritative bang on the table, Glasses Boi said, "We're in a class of 20 well-developed characters."

"Nah, I'd say about half of us are well-developed, and half of us are seat fillers."

"Listen."

"I'm listening."

"There are 20 of us in class 1-A alone. Eventually class 1-B will be introduced, not to mention all the teachers and villains and support characters. There are too many characters in this franchise, and if we aren't careful, we'll get drowned out in the popularity polls."

Blushy turned to Green Boi, "Kind of like what happened in the DC comics universe? There were so many heroes that it became a clusterfuck of a justice league, right?"

Green Boi nodded. "At a point, the superpowers get repetitive and the consumers can't keep up with all the new characters."

"Exactly," Engine Boi agreed. "We need to stand out, be memorable, and rise to the top of the fandom. That way, we'll stay relevant to the plot, and the author won't kill us off."

Green Boi chuckled. "Pfft. No way Horikoshi-sensei is going to kill off any of his characters. He loves each and every one of us. Even Grape Baby."

"No. I mean the author of this fanfiction."

"Oh yeah, that bitch," Blushy mumbled.

Green Boi got a little bit nervous. "Please don't say that," he begged.

"Therefore," continued the wise Transformer Boi, "staying a fandom favorite will ensure us more screen time, greater character development, and more merchandise sales. Plus our voice actors' jobs are safe, and we get cool concept art and title page art. That's why we need to stay in the center of attention all the time. So, I've been working tirelessly during lunch time to create a system where I assign each character a certain number of points, based on the amount of importance they have on the plot."

"The canon plot or this fanfiction plot?" asked Green Boi.

"Of course canon plot. This fanfiction has no plot. Anyway, I call the system I've developed: plot points. This is the system I'm going to use to monitor the success of each student in Class 1-A." He gestured to the papers he was writing on. "This is what I'm submitting for my Deputy Class Representative assignment. Isn't it interesting?"

"Yes. But like, how is it useful?"

"…" Glasses Guy didn't know how else to explain it. To him, the question was akin to someone asking how to sit in a chair. You just sit in it. Plot points are just inherently useful for their purpose. "It just is…" was his response.

Green Boi asked, "How many points do I have?"

"Over 9000."

"Is that good?"

"Yes, the higher the points, the more important you are to the plot. Bean Child-kun, you have the most points out of all of us."

"Really?!"

"Yes. You see, I award the points based on a plethora of criteria. First of all, I ask myself 'If I remove this character from the series, what major changes would occur?' Then I ask, 'Is this character a fan favorite?' Then I ask 'Could I replace this character with another character and still get the same plot?' and many more. It seems to me that you are a very unique character, Bean Child-kun. Not even I'm up to that level. I score about 1092."

Blushy asked, "What about me?"

"1010."

"Hm. So what do I need to do to raise my plot points?"

"Either you star in a story arc, you go through a character development, you do something that attracts the attention of the fandom, or you simply appear more often in the manga or anime." Glasses Boi adjusted his glasses. "I've only calculated the plot points for season one, so hopefully as time progresses, you gain points, rather than losing them."

"And you've done this for everyone in the class?"

"Yes. I plan to announce it to them today, right before our afternoon hero classes."

Green Boi praised the Deputy Class Rep. "Wow, Engine Legs, you're really taking this seriously!"

"Of course! My classmates entrusted me with this honor, so I will execute it to the best of my ability!"

[ **Blushy, Greenie, and Glasses' Lunchroom Adventures END]**

…

The students of Class 1-A filed back to their seats for their afternoon classes. Ninja Eyes was supposed to be teaching today, so they knew they had about a half-hour of free time before he bothered to show up. Glasses Boi decided to use this time to announce his Plot Points idea. He stood at the teacher's desk and called out, "May I have your attention please! Everyone, I have an announcement to make." When he received his classmates' attention, he said, "As Deputy Class Rep, I have been tasked with creating goals of our class for this semester, and executing an action plan to reach them. My first and foremost goal is to ensure Class 1-A is the most popular and flashy class in UH. To be able to measure this objectively and effectively, I have created a system by which I award points to characters based on how much they stand out from the crowd. I call this system: plot points."

He walked around and passed out copies of his Class 1-A point rankings, while continuing to explain. "So far, I've broken the fourth wall and assessed each of our importance to the plot of the first season of the anime. For some of us, the outlook is good. For others, well, we have some improvement to make."

One of those who needed improvement was Pinky, the The Fashion Friendly Alien Queen. "25?!" She exclaimed, uneasily. "I-Is that good?"

"Unfortunately, no. That's very bad. Anything less than 250 points means that you're a seat filler."

"Seat filler?"

"You're just there to make the class an even number of twenty students." Glasses Guy adjusted his glasses. "It means you have very little relevance to the plot, and your character is not very well developed. If you were to be switched out with another character, the series wouldn't change too much. You could be replaced with Vine Girl from Class 1-B, or Support Item Girl from the Support Course, or even another random female character. In fact, the only reason you get twenty-five points is because you're a girl, and I'm sure there's a couple of fans who have made you their wifuu."

Pinky whined, "But I'm not a seat filler!" She laid her head down on her desk.

Martial Arts Kid, who earned a measly five (5) points, tried to console her. "It's not that bad being a seat filler. I've come to terms with it."

+Anima nodded.

Sugar Daddy added, "It's actually really easy being a seat filler. We coast along without getting seriously hurt. In the end, we'll probably go on to become heroes and do great work with our lives."

Pinky insisted, "But I'm important to the plot! I have comedic moments and fans like me!"

"But," Martial Arts Kid argued, "when people think of Hero School +Ultra, you aren't a character that immediately pops into their minds. In fact, if you were to ask a random fan of the show to list the characters in Class 1-A, you probably won't be in the top ten characters they name. And that's just a fact of life. It doesn't mean you aren't a good character; it just means you aren't a popular character."

The Pink Acid Girl sighed. "But I can't stand the idea that I'm just an extra, a character in the background! It's embarrassing."

Sugar Daddy patted her back. "Well it's not embarrassing when you think of the fans that actually appreciate us, and create fan content specifically for us. Don't think of it as 'you aren't important'. Think of it as 'you have a cult following', a small, but dedicated group of fans."

+Anima nodded.

Laser Belly offered his opinion, "Even if this paper says I'm only worth 150 points, I know in my heart that I'm the most Flamboyant Sparkling Boi(TM) in the world!"

Martial Arts Kid concluded, "Horikoshi-sensei does his best to give each of us a slice of screen time, but it's literally impossible for all of us to be well-rounded, in-depth characters that appear in every episode. But that just means that our fans treasure every precious moment that they see us on screen."

Pikachu Zap-Zap Boi smiled, as he realized, "That's true! I only have 363 points, but I know my fans screamed with joy when they saw me in the 'Two Heroes' movie. And I was happy about that even though I didn't make it onto the promotional poster."

Headphone Girl said, "Same here. Just this morning I saw a tumblr post that said I'm precious and perfect the way I am. Even if I'm worth 251 points, my fans would die for me."

Half White Prince Zuko mentioned, "Don't forget that these points are only based on season 1. I'm basically a seat filler until my huge arc in season 2, and from there, my importance only increases."

Pinky felt a little better. "Yeah, you guys are right." She once again looked at the paper that Glasses Boi had given her, to see the points for the other students in the class. Something caught her eye that made her face wrinkle in disgust. "HELL NO! GRAPE BABY SCORES HIGHER THAN ME?!" she shrieked.

Glasses Guy rubbed his face, because he too was pained by this bitter reality. "Unfortunately, yes. It's a paradox, actually. Maybe it's his quirk, or maybe it's his luck, but good things happen to him even though he doesn't deserve it. Basically, Water-Soaked Sour Raisin Boi is the metaphorical glue that provides cohesion in the fandom. Everyone can disagree on ships and fight over their favorite character, but they can all agree that they hate Grape Baby. In fact, everyone hates him so much, that he's actually infamous. People who don't even watch the anime or read the manga know who he is, and know how much fans of this show hate him. This is a great example of the old saying, 'nothing brings people together more than a common enemy.' To put it short: people hate him so much that he's actually important to the series."

Grape Baby cheered, "Yes! To all you guys that hate on me, fuck you! I'm important!"

Duct Tape Guy pulled out a large piece of tape from his elbows and angrily taped the little shit's mouth shut.

…

 **Author's Note:**

 **It's super-duper hilarious to me how much the fandom hates Grape Shit Kid. I don't like him, but I also don't HATE him as vehemently as everyone else does.**

 **Also, let's do a poll. Who are your top 10 favorite Class 1-A characters? Let me know in the comments! (When you write, you can use their real names or their dumb names that I made up). Then I'll actually make a PLOT POINTS list of them and post it to my Instagram. ( mangawitch808)**


	19. What a Disaster!

When Ninja Eyes showed up to class, he yawned, and explained the point of this afternoon's hero course training exercise. "Basically we're gonna go to a natural disaster themed amusement park called Disaster Land. You're gonna train on how to rescue people from, guess what, natural disasters." The disinterest in his voice was evident, so he sounded very sarcastic. But the students realized he was serious when he continued to explain, "You'll have three teachers: me, All American Blonde Superman, and Astronaut Man." He picked up a remote control from his desk and pressed a button, causing the shelves that housed the student's hero costumes to open up. "Go change, and meet outside in the front, where the bus will pick us up and take us there. All American and Astronaut Man should already be there." He began to walk away, but he paused. "Oh, that's right, All American told me that you kids took forever to change into your clothes last time. If you do that again, I'm leaving you. We depart in ten minutes."

Fortunately, everyone got dressed in time.

Engine Legs, who had somehow acquired a whistle that was even more annoying than him, barked orders about how to board the bus. "Everyone form rows of two based on student number!" he demanded.

Blushy and Green Boi were embarrassed for him. Blushy said, "He's taking this job WAY too seriously."

"At least he's earnest," said Green Boi.

…

It seemed like things just never happened the way Glasses Boi Engine Legs planned it. Earlier, his Plot Points idea was supposed to spur his classmates with enthusiasm, and show them the importance of increasing their relevance to the plot. Instead, they were offended by the system, and chose to ignore it. "So what if I have _x_ amount of points?" they had said. "Grape Baby has more points than me? Do these points even matter?"

Yes. Yes they did. He put a lot of effort into crunching those numbers. He had been working tirelessly through lunch, two days in a row. He had thought it was a good idea. But his classmates didn't appreciate it. It had almost made Pinky cry. Of course that wasn't his intention.

Now, as they boarded the bus, he realized the he had asked his classmates to line up for no reason. The bus wasn't the typical kind that had seats arranged in rows and columns. The front half was an open layout, where students sat facing each other. Yet again, Engine Legs had done something unnecessary. He felt like his fellow students were probably looking down on him as a Deputy Class Rep. So when he sat down, he leaned forward, covered his face, and whined, "The bus's open layout ruined my boarding strategy!"

Pinky, who was sitting next to him, said, "Engine Legs, you really need to chill."

Froakie agreed, saying, "Engine Legs, don't take everything so seriously. Ribbit."

But he was too upset to pay attention. So Froakie turned to Green Boi, who was sitting right next to her, and said, "Green Boi, can I ask you a question?"

"Oh, sure Frog Girl-chan."

"You can call me Froakie," she said.

"Oh, right." Now he felt a super awkward for being so formal with her.

"Don't be nervous. Ribbit. There's nothing to be nervous about."

"Okay."

"Anyway, I wanted to ask you about your quirk. You didn't use it at all during the Nuclear Weapon Exercise the other day. I haven't seen you use it since the first day of school, when you threw that baseball really far. Why haven't you used it?"

This question of course caught the attention of Angry Explodey Boi. He was sitting towards the back of the bus, where the seats were organized in rows and columns. He leaned forward to hear what Green Boi would say.

"Um, well, it's just a little too much for my body," answered the Green Bean. "It hurts when I use it."

"Oh. I see. That's not good."

"No, it's not…" he scratched the back of his head. "I'm working on it."

Spikey Red Dude, who sat on the other side of Froakie, said, "It looked so flashy when you used it that first day! The best heroes say that it's impossible to be a top pro without a flashy quirk."

Green Boi lowered his eyes. "Yeah. That's what they say…"

"It makes me worry about my quirk." He raised his arm, and the skin on his forearm and hands hardened. "I can beat the hell out of people with it, but it's not that flashy, especially compared to yours."

Green Boi marveled at the chiseled texture of Hard Red Boi's skin. "Are you kidding me? I think it looks really awesome! You're definitely pro material with a quirk like that."

"Really? I think it needs a little more sparkle or poof or something."

Laser Belly Boi said, "My Belly Beam blends beauty and badass."

Pinky placed a hand on his shoulder. "Yeah, but you try too hard. You need to chill too."

Laser Belly Boi was offended on an existential level by that comment. He knew that she was right, but he also knew that being overdramatic was the basis of his character. His heart sank, as he dwelled on this new cognitive dissonance he was experiencing.

Meanwhile, Red Head Boi said, "In my opinion, the people with the flashiest quirks are Explodey Boi and Prince Zuko."

Prince Zuko was taking a nap, so he didn't hear.

Angry Boi was still angry at Red Head for what he said two days ago during the voting for Class Rep, so he didn't acknowledge the latter's presence.

Froakie bluntly said, "Yeah, and since Explodey Boi is always angry and has so many character flaws, people are going to love him."

Red Head nodded. "It's like, he's such a jerk, and I want to hate him… but he's just so amazing, so I can't."

Pikachu Dude piped in, "I feel like that too. I know his personality is like a dumpster fire tossed inside another dumpster and then lit on fire, but I'm strangely attracted to him. And I'm not even gay."

Red Head was a little surprised. "You're not?"

"No. You thought I was gay?"

"Yeah. And usually I'm right about these sorts of things. I have a pretty strong gay-dar."

"Nah I'm super 100 percent straight, dude. I'm a pervert too, just like Grape Baby. In fact, I hang out with him a lot, and I'm sort of his second in command. Good thing I look sexy or else the fandom would crucify me too."

"Yeah you're pretty hot, Pikachu Dude. You, The Prince and Explodey Boi are the hottest bois in class." He leaned back in his chair and sighed. "Man, I'd totally date Explodey Boi if he wasn't such a jerk."

"Oh dude, you're gay?"

"Yeah, like 10,000 percent."

"Nice! It's great to see that you're so confident about your sexuality. It's amazing how much the world has changed in terms of acceptance."

"Yeah, but we still have a long way to go," Red Head sighed. "And it doesn't help advance our fight when we have guys like Explodey Boi who treat their ex-boyfriends like shit."

Green Boi narrowed his eyes at Spikey Red. "I hope you don't mean me. Didn't I explicitly tell you that we're just friends?"

At this point, Angry Explodey had been seething in anger quietly. But enough was enough. "You assholes are gonna stop talking about me like I'm not right here!" he roared. "If you wanna figure out who's gay, come eat my ass and see if you like it!"

"You wish I'd eat your ass," Pikachu Dude retorted.

"Nah, I wouldn't even let you do it in your wet dreams."

"Fuck you!"

"No, fuck you!"

So now Angry Boi and Pikachu Dude were going back and forth, saying, "Fuck you!" and other expletives.

Rich Tits (bless her heart) whispered to Blushy, who was sitting beside her, "Excuse me, but can you explain to me what 'eat my ass' means? I'm very confused."

So Blushy leaned over and whispered it in Rich Tits' ear.

"Ew," replied the rich girl. "This is such a disgusting conversation."

"Yeah, but it's kinda fun listening to them fight."

It wasn't fun for Green Boi. In fact, it was unpleasantly mind-blowing. The very foundation of Green Boi's world was shaken. He thought that Angry Explodey Boi was the kind of guy that bullies others into submission. Since kindergarten, Explochan had been the apex predator of the school social food chain. No one dared to mess with Explochan, for fear of getting their ass whooped. Yet, here was Pikachu Boi, callously telling Explochan to, "Go fuck yourself dude! You're so full of shit!"

No one, ever, (except for Explochan's mom and more recently, Green Boi) talked to Explochan like that.

This was surreal.

His Mutter Mutter was going crazy trying to figure out how this was even possible. He muttered, "Explochan is being bullied. What the hell is going on?"

Zap Boi and Bomb Palms fought until Ninja Sensei shouted, "Hey! Fuck both of you! Shut up, we've arrived."

…

Astronaut Guy was already at Disaster Land when the students arrived. He introduced the students to himself, and to the training facility. "Hello students, I'm Astronaut Guy! And this is the building that UH bought and spent millions of yen converting into a training ground equipped with simulated disasters." He gestured to the theme park behind him. "Since these things happen all the time around the world, this is probably the most practical training you will have as students." He faced the students again. "But before we begin, let me just say a couple of things. First of all, I'm a popular hero who has saved many lives. Yet my quirk, Sucky Fingers, is a powerful quirk that can kill people. Be aware that many of your quirks can kill people. Therefore, you must learn to use them wisely. Thank you for your attention." He bowed.

Blushy Girl felt pained, like Astronaut Guy was speaking directly to her. She had a flashback of the video that Speaker Man had shown her, the video where she killed some poor student on accident, by dropping a robot on him. She blinked back the tears. She swore to herself that she'd never harm another innocent person with her quirk, ever again. Her acceptance into UH was a miracle, and she was going to make sure she didn't waste that miracle.

Angry Boi felt annoyed, like Astronaut Guy was speaking directly to him. He was even more annoyed when his stupid classmates started clapping for their newest teacher. Angry Explodey scoffed and looked to the ground, while thinking, _So what if I overdid it? Green Boi is fine._ He looked up to see Green Boi in tears, marveling at Astronaut Man. _Yeah, he's fine._

Ninja Eyes said, "Alright everyone! Form into teams of two students. All American isn't here yet, so we'll separate up into five teams of two to go with Astro Guy and five teams of two to go with me—"

 _Scwhooop_! The lights flickered out.

 _Whoooosh!_ A purple portal opened up down the stairs, in a massive open, astroturf field in front of the students.

 _Ploop! Ploop! Ploop! Ploop!_ One by one, an army of villains plooped out of the portal. Random Villains 1 through 72 were all there, led by their leaders, Mr. Warp Gate and Itchy Hand Guy.

Ninja Eyes saw this. Astro Man saw this. The students of Class 1-A saw this. The students began to talk amongst each other, asking, "Is this one of those tests where they lie about the premise of the test? Are we actually supposed to fight fake villains again?" The students took a few steps closer, to get a closer look.

"Don't move!" Ninja Eyes yelled. He gaped at the sheer number of bad bois and gurls on the premises of Disaster Land. He looked to Astronaut Man and asked, "Is this part of the curriculum?"

"No. This should not be happening," said the astronaut.

"Welp." Ninja Eyes put on his super special ninja goggles. "Hey kids, this is actually really serious," he said sarcastically, even though he was actually really serious. He made the hand signs for his trademarked Protect the Children Jutsu(™).

Green Boi saw this and gasped. He backed away, and exclaimed, "That's Ninja Eyes' super special technique! It's the jutsu he developed specifically to protect large groups of children from a serious threat, such as a group of villains! This is actually really serious!"

The students of Class 1-A were overwhelmed with fear. It was evident by the fact that they all stood insanely still, mouth ajar, while the pupils of their eyes trembled, and they gasped.


	20. Random Villain Backstory Time

Let's take a moment to talk about four of the seventy-two (72) random villains that Itchy Hand Guy recruited to kill innocent children at Disaster Land.

…

Number 13 was Big Face Dude. He had a really big, ugly face. That was it. His quirk just made him ugly. It wasn't fair, he had always thought, that some people have normal faces, _and_ really cool quirks. He hated how the popular bois in school were the ones who could control wind, or make flowers grow, or had magical hair. It wasn't fair that his quirk was actually a disadvantage. People treated him like a villain because, frankly, he looked like one. That's why he dropped out of high school and started robbing KFC (Kentucky Fried Chicken) stores of their money, chicken, herbs and spices. He was wanted dead-or-alive in Kagoshima Prefecture for robbing 3 KFCs in one day.

He wasn't a violent criminal, though. Usually, he just marched in and frowned at people. It scared them so much that they did whatever he wanted. Big Face Dude didn't actually like to fight. But he did like the fact that he could get whatever he wanted if he just looked angrily at people. He lived in the shadows, however, because if he dared show his face in public, people would immediately recognize him. He hated that. He hated living on the run, underground, at the edge of society.

Above all, he wanted stability. He wanted somewhere he could call home and relax without fear of the police. That's why when Itchy Hand Guy popped up out of nowhere and offered him a home with his Super Villain Club, Big Face Guy was like, "Sure."

So here he was.

…

Number 29 was Eye-Spy Guy. He was born with pure white skin, eyes all over his body, and a paper thin body. He kind of looked like that weird illuminati eye guy from Gravity Falls, but Eye-Spy guy had a full height rectangular body.

He was a quiet guy—mostly because he didn't have a mouth. As a child, he learned how to communicate with sign-language. He didn't need to eat, because somehow his quirk made his body evolve so that he made energy by photosynthesis. He graduated high school with average grades, got an average job at Salary Man Offices in Tokyo, and married an average, quirkless lady.

But it wasn't enough.

Every day, he kept wondering, "Isn't there more to life than this?"

Sure he had a loving wife, a not-paper-looking-looking eleven-year old son with a really interesting quirk (he could control paper), and overall material security in life…but he couldn't help feel like he wasn't really living.

Life was just a cycle.

He wanted out of the daily grind.

He wanted excitement.

He wanted something new.

So when Itchy Hand Guy wandered into his office building one day and shouted, "Anyone want to join my Super Villain Club?" Eye Spy Guy was intrigued.

Of course the security guards at the office escorted Itchy Hand Guy away, while reprimanding him, "Don't play pranks like that, young man."

But Eye Spy Guy had a hunch that it wasn't a prank. He followed the officers as they took Itchy Hand Guy away. When they let him go, Itchy Hand Guy straightened up his clothes. Then he saw Eye Spy Guy. Itchy Hand Guy smiled, and asked, "Are you joining the Super Villain Club?"

Eye Spy Guy nodded. He immediately dropped other responsibilities in his life—he abandoned his job, his wife, and his child— and joined.

…

Number 41 was Piranha Plant Guy. Basically, he was like Zetsu from the Akatsuki. He had weird green plant-like growths, like a Venus Fly Trap, that grew from his shoulders, and covered face.

He was a super shy kid in elementary and middle school. He always covered his face with his plant things. It was difficult for him to talk to people—not because of his quirk. He just had very crippling social anxiety. He was actually very thankful for his quirk. It prevented people from talking to him or seeing his face.

He planned to spend his high school career in solitude.

Until he made a friend.

Piranha Plant Guy's friend was a nice guy. Friend-Kun's quirk made his feet really, and improved his jumping and kicking strength. It was a flashy quirk, and he was very social, so Friend-Kun was the most popular guy in the class. That's why it surprised Piranha Plant Guy when Friend-Kun started hanging out with him. "Hey, your plant things are awesome!" Friend-Kun had said one day, while Piranha Plant Guy was eating lunch alone.

Piranha Plant Guy mumbled his thanks.

"What'd you say?" asked Friend-Kun.

Piranha Plant Guy felt awkward repeating himself. He tried to walk away. Friend-Kun followed, saying, "Oh, sorry if I embarrassed you! My bad. I just noticed you're in my class and you don't say much. I just wanted to say hi and maybe get to know you. Plus, I'm curious about what your face looks like."

"…"

"Is that a rude question to ask? Sorry! I'll leave you alone. Unless you'd like to eat lunch together?"

"…"

They ended up eating lunch together. And they ended up being best friends. They talked about everything, from what they wanted to be when they grew up, to what girls they liked in school. Friend-Kun even convinced Piranha Plant Guy to open up his plant things, and show his face. They were such close friends that eventually graduated high school and went to the same college.

So everything seemed to be going well for Plant Guy.

Until Friend-Kun got a girlfriend. It was their first year of college, and Friend-Kun started dating some girl he liked. Slowly, but surely, Friend-Kun stopped hanging out with Plant Guy, and started hanging out in his girlfriend's friend circle.

By their second year of college, Friend-Kun and him had grown apart and stopped talking to each other.

That hurt.

It hurt really bad.

But Plant Guy didn't know how to tell Friend-Kun that he missed spending time with him. And after all, was it fair to selfishly want Friend-Kun's attention all to himself? Friend-Kun was happy with Girlfriend-Chan, so why should Plant Guy get in the way of that? Why should Plant Guy get in the way of anyone? There was no point in making friends, he decided. Once again, Piranha Plant Guy retreated behind his plant walls, and shrunk away from society.

He planned to spend the rest of his life in solitude.

But it was more painful the second time around, after knowing the joy of having a true friend. He hated being lonely. He hated himself for losing the connection he had with his only friend. He wanted to die. He really wanted to die, and frequently thought about how to do it. But he couldn't bring himself to do it. He hated himself for being weak and pathetic. He hated himself for hating himself. But he didn't know what to do to fix himself. He eventually stopped going to class, and became a NEET.

Maybe sitting around at home all day, hating himself, would have been his destiny if Plant Guy hadn't met Itchy Hand Guy. One night, Plant Guy was walking to the convenience store to buy some snacks. Itchy Hand Guy happened to be there too, stealing the same snacks. "You like these types of cookies too?" asked Itchy Hand Guy as he snuck them into the pocket of his hoodie. "That's cool. Wanna join my Super Villain Club?"

That's not a question someone hears every day! It shocked Plant Guy into speaking. "Super… villain club?"

"Yeah, there's forty of us already! Now, I know what you're thinking." He pretended to gasp, and then dramatically say, "Villains! Oh my god! Holy shit!" like Grandpa Joseph Joestar from the Stardust Crusaders season of JJBA. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, do yourself a favor and google "Joseph Joestar oh my god".) Itchy Boi chuckled. "But nah, we're not really like that. I mean, yeah, we're villains. And like, we want to kill people. But actually we're really a like-minded community of hobbyists. And we support one another no matter what. We're like a huge group of best friends."

All Pirahna Plant Guy heard was _friends_. "Okay."

…

Last but not least is Big Arm Lady, number 64. She was born with really big, muscular arms. Her quirk, surprisingly, was that she could turn whatever she touched into whatever she wanted it to be. Basically, she was born with an alchemy quirk. Her parents realized this when she was three years old. They gave her a toy to play with and then left the room to go get something. When they returned, they saw her munching and crunching on something. Afraid that she had eaten the toy, they forced her to spit it out—only to find out that she was eating a cookie!

It was a super interesting quirk, and she wanted to be a hero with it. Although in school, her classmates called her Gorilla Arms, she preserved with her dream. She enrolled in a hero course at her local public high school and graduated with great grades and high marks.

But when she applied to hero agencies… she kept getting rejected.

When she asked why, they would say that her quirk wouldn't really be helpful, or that they weren't hiring at the time, or that she needed more experience. It hurt to keep being rejected, but she kept applying to agencies.

After being rejected for the tenth time, Big Arm Lady asked a hero recruiter what she could do to improve her chances for hire. The recruiter was an honest guy, and bluntly told her, "You don't really look the part. Female heroes are supposed to be pretty. Those arms aren't attractive."

"You can't be serious," Big Arm Lady replied.

"I'm serious. I'm sure agencies aren't hiring you because you have gorilla arms."

That broke her heart. She was so upset that she went to a bar and tried to drink her misery away. That's where she met Itchy Hand Guy. He took one look at her arms, and asked, "Super Strength Quirk?"

"No," she replied, a little tipsy. "Alchemy quirk. I can change things into other things." She demonstrated by changing her shot of vodka into a bouquet of flowers."

"That's cool. I would like someone with a quirk like that to join my Super Villain Club."

Maybe it was because she felt rejected that Itchy Boi's offer made sense to her. She thought, _If they don't want me as a hero, I'll become a villain._ And here she was.

…

 **Author's Note:**

 **So the idea behind this fanfiction is that I can't remember all the names of all the characters. I resort to describing them when I talk to fellow fans, especially my sister. My sister LOVES the My Hero Academia fandom and fan art, but has never watched a single episode of the anime, nor read the manga. She literally has no context for anything, and she doesn't know the names of anyone, except her favorite characters. (But she gets confused sometimes. She has definitely called Bakugo, Todoroki and vice versa.) Our conversations go like this (she doesn't care about spoilers):**

 **Me: (Handing her my sizzling, fresh-off-the-grill, new manga) I just bought volume ten of My Hero Academia!**

 **Her: That's cool. Oh, that's the angry guy on the cover, right?**

 **Me: Yeah he gets kidnapped in this arc.**

 **Her: Kidnapped? What?**

 **Me: Yeah Izuku and Todoroki and Bird Guy and the guy with all the arms were trying to save him but they couldn't.**

 **Her: Izuku is the one with the green hair right?**

 **Me: Yeah. Or he goes by Deku.**

 **Her: So Angry Boi got kidnapped? How? Where were they?**

 **Me: At training camp.**

 **Her: They went to training camp?**

 **Me: Both Class A and B went to hone their skills with the Neko Squad.**

 **Her: …Neko Squad?**

 **As you can see, I try to give as little context as possible. Watch the bloody show, sis.**

 **Another reason for the naming scheme is that I noticed that the kanji for the names of characters literally describe them. Now, I'm not fluent in Japanese at all, but I had a severe Weeb phase when I was in middle school (I even bought a Japanese-English dictionary). On top of that, my sister is actually a Japanese Language major at her university (I gifted her my dictionary).**

 **So I noticed that the "Baku" in Bakugo was the same "Baku" in the Pokemon Tysplosion's Japanese name— both of which have to do with explosions. (Correct me if I'm wrong. I'm just a simple Weeb.) Then, Midoriya has the "midori" meaning "green". So I'm actually not that far off calling the them Explodey Boi and Green Boi. I think all the characters in the anime have clever, quirky names like that. (Like Momo literally means the fruit "peach", but is a double-entendre for "titties".)**

 **I didn't go into depth to research it, because I was lazy, but if any of you know the literal Japanese to English translations of some of the kanji in their names, tell me in the comments!**


	21. WHAT A DISASTER! II

Okay, so 72 bad bois and gurls, along with Itchy Hand Guy and Mr. Warp Zone had just invaded a training ground for young aspiring heroes. As his army of villains marched forth, Itchy Hand Guy spread out is arms and announced, "This is it, All American Blonde Superman! This is your final battle! Today will be the day you die!"

Ninja Eyes, confused, looked all around. There was no All American Strong Super Flex anywhere. So Ninja Eyes informed the villains that, "He's not here."

"What? Seriously?" Itchy Hands scratched the side of his face, and looked around as well. All the villains stopped marching forward, and took a few moments to look around. None of them spotted Blonde Superman. Itchy Hand Guy was shocked. "Wow he's seriously not here…"

Ninja Eyes shook his head. "Nope, he's not. But maybe we can reschedule this for later, when he is here?"

"Yeah, that would be great. What does his schedule look like?"

"Uh, I'll have to check with him and get back to you. Can I have your contact info?"

"Yeah, sure. Let's exchange email addresses—"

Warp Gate Man smacked the back of Itchy Hand Guy's head. "Itchy Boi, no!" he chided him. "He's tricking you! Don't give the enemy your email address."

"But how else am I supposed to know when to attack?"

Warp Man sighed. "It's not a surprise attack if they know when you're coming."

"Oh…" Itchy Hands sighed. "Dammit. I can't believe we wasted all that time planning this attack and he's not even here!" He kicked a rock and pouted. "It's not fair." He looked at all his minions. They were waiting for his orders. "Well, since we're already here, I guess we'll just kill everyone. Guys, let's just kill everyone."

Random Villains 1 through 72 cheered in agreement, and began marching again. Ninja Eyes groaned, "Shit, he almost fell for it." To Astronaut Guy, he said, "You're on babysitting duty." Then Ninja Eyes ran into the March of Villains and started whooping ass.

Green Boi clasped his chest and said, "He's so fucking cool! Look at his tactics! He's actually thinking about what he's doing, rather than using brute, overly destructive force! I can learn so much from watching him fight!" But he didn't have too much time to fan-gasm over Ninja Eyes, because Engine Legs dragged him toward the exit, saying, "Now isn't the time for analytics, Green Boi!"

The students and Astro Guy ran toward the exit. It seemed like they would be able to escape… but, no, Mr. Warp Gate appeared and blocked their path. He created a giant wall of purple sparkles in front of the UH students and said, "Greetings! I am Mr. Warp Gate Man, and I am the Vice President of the Super Villain Club. Our motto is 'EVIL: Every Villain is Lemons.' Apparently that's a Spongebob Squarpants meme. Itchy Boi loves Spongebob Memes."

Blushy was trembling in fear, but she managed to laugh and say, "Yeah, who doesn't?"

"I'm afraid he likes them a bit too much. When he's not recruiting for our club, he sits at his computer making memes, for hours at a time. Then he gets upset when his memes don't get enough notes. Whatever that means."

Green Boi nodded in agreement. "I hate that! Some dumb shitty shitpost gets thousands of notes, but my handcrafted artistic gif sets get maybe a hundred or so."

"That's what you get for using Tumblr," Blushy told him. "That site is a hellhole."

"I know, and I hate it, but it's my main social media platform. I basically grew up on Tumblr. How the hell am I supposed to crawl out of that cesspool now that I'm so used to it?"

Warp Gate Man nodded, "Itchy Boi says the same thing. Constantly."

Blushy patted Green Boi on the shoulder. "Instagram is a million times better."

"But it's not the same. Tumblr works by reblogging things, so that there's a conversation between users—"

"I know how Tumblr works, Green Boi. I used to use it all the time. Then I made the switch to Instagram and my life instantly got better."

He looked at her sideways. "How so?"

"First of all, on Instagram I wasn't arguing with random strangers about morality and ethics every single goodamn day. People are always trying to pick a fight on that damn site. Like, I'm sure if half of those idiots knew they were arguing with a middle school girl, they wouldn't have come at me like that."

"What the hell was your blog about that people kept coming after you?"

"You know what, let's not have this fight right now Green Boi," Blushy said, sharply.

Warp Gate Man agreed, "Please, let's not. I'd rather have a fistfight than argue about superior social media platforms."

"Then let's have a fistfight!" yelled Red Boi as he and Bomb Palms charged at Mr. Warp Gate. They launched a super supreme double bros attack.

Boom!

Following an explosion that would have killed anyone not made of purple sparkle mist, Mr. Warp Gate said, "Oh shit, if I wasn't made of purple sparkle mist, that attack would have killed me! You kids are more dangerous than I thought. Let me stop playing around." So he spread out his purple miasma, and engulfed almost all of the students. Luckily, Engine Legs quickly grabbed an armful of his classmates and jumped out of the way. Six Arms used his webbed six arms to shield a couple more of their classmates.

…

Mr. Warp Gate's Purple Sparkle Mist teleported Green Boi to the Underwater Zone. Green Boi fell from the sky and made a splash when he landed in the crystal clear water. Luckily, Green Boi was a good swimmer, and his hero costume didn't have anything heavy that would have caused him to sink. As he swam toward the surface, Green Boi wondered, _What the hell is this Super Villain Club and why do they want to kill All American Blonde Superman? This is actually a really bad situation, because we're outnumbered. It seems like Mr. Warp Gate has a warping quirk, and he's separating all of us to further outnumber us. Ninja-sensei is fighting but he can't fight forever, meaning we should go get help—_

His thoughts were interrupted when he saw something like a shark swimming toward him. It was a dude with a shark quirk. He was zooming through the water like a torpedo, and yelled, "Imma bite ya!"

"!" Green Boi almost gasped, but he remembered that he was underwater. His mind raced. _Should I attack with Deus ex Machina? No, maybe I can avoid his attack? Or maybe—_

Again, luckily for Green Boi, Everyone's Favorite Frog Girl swam to his rescue. She kicked the fucking shit out of Shark Quirk Guy, and used her tongue to carry Green Boi out of the water. She swam to the surface, and placed Green Boi on a nearby ship.

Because Froakie is as efficient as she is powerful, she had also saved Grape Baby from drowning earlier. She was holding him as she treaded water, and was about to put him on the ship next. But instead of saying, "Thank you Froakie, my hero!" like a decent human being, he said, "Damn girl you can do a lot of tricks with that long tongue."

She blushed. She used her tongue to throw him on the ship. He got the air knocked out of him. While Froakie climbed onto the ship, Green Boi, a decent human being, said, "Wow, you really saved me back there, Frog Girl-chan. Thanks."

She hopped onto the deck, and said, "I said to call me Froakie."

"Oh, yes, ah, sorry. Froakie."

"Stop apologizing. It's okay."

"Oh, yes. Sorry. Ah! I'm sorry!"

"Ribbit. Calm down Green Boi." She walked along the deck, and looked out at the faux sparkling sea. Behind their ship was the largest waterslide in all of Japan. "This would be beautiful if we weren't under attack. This is turning out to be a terrible day of class."

Green Boi agreed. "Yeah. I'm kind of freaking out about what that one dude said. He was all like, 'I can't believe we wasted all that time planning an attack and he's not here!' They were planning to attack All American!"

Diaper Shitty Child said, "The joke's on them. All American would literally kill these villains with a single normal punch. There's no way they could hurt him."

Frog Girl begged to differ. "Well I don't think they'd risk coming here if they didn't have serious plan to kill him. But before we start worrying about All American, I think we should figure out what to do for ourselves, because we're in trouble right now."

"Wait, stop playing," Diaper Child said, panicking. "It's not like we're in serious danger. The pros are going to save us. Right? Right?! RIGHT!? RIGHT! Green Boi! We can't seriously be in real danger! We're just kids! They wouldn't hurt children! Look at me, I look like a six-year-old! Aren't there laws against showing the graphic murders of children on TV shows?"

Green Boi rubbed his forehead in frustration. "Stop it. Just stop talking you two-foot-tall little fucker. I'm trying to think."

But Grape Diaper didn't shut up. Instead he started crying, "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! I don't want to die! I'm still a virgin!"

Frog Girl asked, "Wow, are you really that pathetic? Why are you in this school?"

"I want to be a hero, because heroes get laid!"

"No, I mean, how did you pass the entrance exam?"

"I stuck robots together and immobilized them with my sticky grape balls." He patted the top of his head, where his grape blorbs sprouted. "My quirk is actually really unique and it could be insanely useful. If I wasn't the whiny, useless, ugly pervert character, I could probably whoop ass."

"Then don't be the whiny useless, ugly pervert character. Ribbit. You could have been the cute adorable squishy character. You could have been Grape Plushie Child, or Sweet Grape Juice Kid, or Can't Eat My Chicken Biscuit Without That Boi. In fact, you can use this moment to grow as a character, and renounce your silly, perverted ways."

"Nope." He looked at the camera and gave the studio audience a thumbs up. "I made my choice, and that's what I'm sticking with."

"Okay." Froakie replied. She had bigger things to worry about. She turned her head toward the sea. "By the way, I hear enemies approaching. We should probably do something about that."

Green Boi, who had been lost in thought, nodded to himself. He muttered, "Yeah, no matter what, nothing is going to happen to my lord and savior, All American."

Froakie blinked a few times. "Were you listening to me at all Green Boi?"

"Oh," he blushed. "Sorry Frog Gi—I mean Froakie. What were you saying?"

"Enemies in the water." She pointed to the dozen or so bad men encircling the boat. "But they aren't attacking us. They're waiting."

Green Boi looked over the railing on the deck. "So maybe we should attack first?" he suggested.

"Maybe. Ribbit."

"Are you two insane?!" whined Purple Shit. "We can't fight! We're useless teenagers!"

The other two ignored him. "Froakie, they sent you here to the Underwater Zone, so that means they don't know that your quirk is being a frog."

"That makes sense. Otherwise they would have warped me literally anywhere else. So they probably don't know any of our quirks."

"Yes, so that means we have the upper hand."

"How? We're surrounded by a dozen enemies."

"Yes, but they're in the water. They're probably thinking that they can overpower us once we get into the water. As long as we don't get into the water, we'll be fine. Grape Baby, what's your quirk again?"

Grape Baby stopped fussing long enough to say, "I pop off these balls on my head. They stick to stuff."

Green Boi got an idea. "Okay, so let's do this. Froakie you—"

Before he could explain, one of the villains did some water bending and sliced the ship in half. Greenie, Froakie and Grape Boi jumped out of the way. They were unharmed, but now their ship was sinking.

"Just fucking great!" Green Boi exclaimed, frustrated. "Okay, so I'm gonna jump into the air and use my Go Green Power to make a whirlpool in the water. Then Froakie, you grab Grape Shit and jump in the air. Use your tongue to grab me. Grape Shit, throw your sticky balls at the villains so they stick together and flush down, like a toilet. Got it?"

Froakie was pleasantly surprised. "Wow, that's actually a really simple solution."

"Yeah, the only problem is I'm gonna break my fingers after I use my powers, so I'll be in intense pain."

"Yikes."

"Yeah. You ready?" Green Boi climbed on the railing. He took a big breath. He braced himself for the pain. _This is gonna hurt, but whatever._ He hesitated for a moment. A long moment. Actually, I was just a couple of seconds, but a couple of seconds can feel like centuries when you're on a sinking ship, surrounded by enemies who literally are trying to kill you. And in those few seconds, Green Boi wondered, _Can I really do this? What if it doesn't work? What happens then?_

He felt himself tremble with fear. _This is terrifying. This is actually really scary. Is this what it means to be a hero? Of course it is. It means running into danger and doing whatever you can to save the day. I know that. But then, why am I so scared? I wasn't scared last time when that Ooze Dude was attacking Explochan. Wait, no, I was scared. I was so fucking scared. But the thought of watching Explochan die right in front of my eyes was scarier. So my legs moved._

He took off the white glove on his right hand. He clenched that hand into a fist. _I don't want my classmates to get hurt. So that means I just have to do this. I have to find that same courage that Explochan gave me. I just have to do it! Just do it Precious Green!_ He urged himself. The ship was sinking pretty quickly, so he had to act fast. _You can do this. Just act like Explochan!_

With a high-pitched primal scream, Green Boi jumped off of the railing, and activated Deus ex Machina. Then, with a flick of his fingers, he created wind pressure that parted the waters of the faux sea. The whirlpool he created dragged a couple of the villains under the water. The rest were pulled down by Grape Baby's sticky balls, which he threw rapid fire into the swirling waves. Froakie did her job by leaping to safety, and carrying the two boys along with her.

When they landed safely in the water, the three of them swam to the shallow edge of the shore. When they were able to stand and wade through the water, Green Boi started muttering to himself, "I can't believe that actually worked! It took everything I had to keep my composure. And the whole plan was such a gamble. What if they had more enemies hiding where we couldn't see them? Oh shit that would have been bad."

"Green Boi, you're freaking me out," Froakie told him.

"Oh, sorry."

Froakie faced the wreckage of the ship. "You know, we probably killed them," she realized. "The ball of supervillains that were pulled under the ocean hasn't resurfaced yet. If they can't breathe underwater, they probably drowned."

"Seriously?" Green Boi said, tightly gripping his right wrist to stabilize his trembling hand.

Froakie saw Green Boi's broken fingers. "Oh dang, your hand really is messed up."

He tried to shrug off the damage. "I'm fine." He hid the injury with one of his elbow pads. He hoped that thinking of an escape tactic would distract his mind from the pulsing sharp pain reverberating through his thumb and middle finger. "Okay, so our best bet is to get help. We need to avoid the main plaza, where Ninja-sensei is fighting the main group of villains. We can follow the shore all the way around to the exit… But…"

"But?" Froakie repeated.

"I kind of want to watch his tactics…"

"Ribbit. You want to watch him fight a huge group of villains even though you have a pretty bad injury and it would be better to sneak away and get out of Disaster Land?"

"Yeah…"

"Okay."

So the three of them found a spot on the shore to spectate Ninja Eyes' Battle.

 **Author's Note:**

 **Okay, for those of you not from the Southern USA, a chicken biscuit is a piece of chicken sandwiched in a soft, flakey piece of bread. It's a breakfast food, and usually it's eaten with grape jelly.**

 **(Whereas what Brits and other countries would call a "biscuit" is actually called a "cookie" here in the US.)**


	22. WHAT A DISASTER! III

**Author's Note: I change my mind. I'll update this whenever I feel like it. That may mean anywhere from one to five times a week. It depends on how fast I type. (Also I need to finish drawing my webcomic, so I probably be doing that instead of writing fanfiction all night.)**

 **…**

 **[Mr. Warp Gate Appreciates Good Teamwork]**

The classmates who weren't teleported by the mist were Engine Legs, Blushy, Alien Queen, Duct Tape Guy, Sugar Daddy and Six Arms. Along with their teacher, Astronaut Man, they faced Mr. Warps, who was swirling around in front of them. They quickly realized that they can't hurt him, because his body was made of purple sparkle mist.

"How do you beat a guy we can't punch?" asked Tape Dude.

"We can't," said their teacher. "This is really bad. Like, really, really bad." He faced thee Deputy Class Rep, "You! With the engine legs!"

"Yes Teacher!" replied Engine Legs.

"You need to run and get help."

"What? And leave my classmates behind?"

"Yes! You need to be our messenger! All of our communications are jammed!"

"But there's got to be some other way."

"There literally isn't another way! None of our electronic communications are working. You need to escape, and as soon as you get a cellphone signal, call for help."

Duct Tape Guy and Sugar Daddy agreed. "Engine Legs, that sounds like a good idea," said Tape Kid. Sugar Daddy said, "We'll be fine. Don't worry." Both of them assumed fighting stances.

Mr. Warp Gate was a little confused. "You guys know I'm standing right here, and can hear your plan, right?"

Astro Boi pointed his right index finger at Mr. Warp Gate. "Even if you know our plan, you won't be able to stop us." He activated his quirk. "I'll disintegrate you to dust with my ultimate move! Super Finger Blowjob!" His finger began to suck up Mr. Warp Gate's purple sparkle mist body. Astro Boi had completely intended to kill Mr. Warp Gate by sucking his body into oblivion. But within three seconds, he realized it wasn't working.

Worse yet, within three seconds, Mr. Warp Gate opened up a warp gate behind Astro Boi, redirecting the attack right back at him. As soon as he felt his body being crushed into ashes, Astronaught Guy shut of his quirk. The damage was done, though. It only took three seconds for Mr. Warp Gate to defeat Astro Boi with his own attack. The Astronaut felt pathetic that he couldn't even last three seconds. As their teacher fell to the ground, Sugar Daddy yelled to Engine Legs, "Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!"

Although he desperately wanted to stay and fight, Engine Legs decided to obey. He charged off in a sprint, accelerating from 0 to 60 mph faster than Sonic the Hedgehog. "Shit!" Mr. Warp Gate yelled as he opened up a portal to catch Engine Legs.

Six Arms used his six arms to tackle the portal, because apparently he could grab purple sparkle mist. He rolled on the ground, stood up, and then chucked the portal high into the sky. It sparkled as it disappeared into the sky of Disaster Land. Six Arms thought, _I'm glad Ninja-sensei made us play ball throw that day, otherwise I wouldn't have perfected my tossing technique._

But Mr. Sparkle Mist wasn't giving up that easily. He summoned another portal to encase Engine Legs. Believe it or not, this time Blushy came to the rescue. She grabbed a piece of metal that was floating in the middle of the purple sparkles and activated her quirk on it. "Well I hope this shit works!" she said as she threw it up into the air.

It did work! That piece of metal happened to be the only physical part of Mr. Warp Gate's Body! She sent Mr. Warp Gate was hurtling through the air! This allowed Engine Legs to reach the door. He tried to pull it open, but for some reason it was tightly sealed shut. Was it because of the alarm system or something? Engine Legs didn't know. Either way, he had to pry open the heavy metal door with his bare hands.

Meanwhile, Mr. Sparkle Gate Mist wasn't giving up. He tried to open yet another portal to teleport Engine Legs. Duct Tape Dude shot his sticky tape at the villain, and grabbed that metal thing that served as his main body. Sugar Daddy yelled, "Roid Rage!" as he grabbed the tape, and swung Mr. Sparkles around like how Mario swings Bowser on Super Mario 64. He tossed the gentlemanly villain far across the theme park while Engine Legs ran off to get help.

As Mr. Warp Gate sailed helplessly through the air, he thought, _That was magnificent teamwork. We need some of that in our club._

 **[Mr. Warp Gate Appreciates Good Teamwork END]**

…

 **[Half White Prince Zuko's Mudslide Adventures]**

The Prince was teleported onto a rocky landscape. The warp gate dropped him from the sky, and he hit the ground hard. He tumbled down a steep incline, rolling until friction had mercy on him, and slowed him to a stop. He was hurt, and his outfit was ruined, but luckily the fall had only caused minor damage. He'd have a lot of bruises tomorrow, but for now, he could stand up and dust himself off.

He was near the top of a tall mountain. The ground was muddy. Entire buildings were sticking out of the wet soil. The Prince guessed he was in the practice zone for landslide disaster relief. Looking to his left and right, he didn't see any of his classmates. Looking farther beyond the horizon of Disaster Land, he could see the various practice zones in the distance. He spotted the entrance, where Mr. Warp Gate was. The Prince was far from it. "So I'm alone," he thought aloud.

Wrong. He was not alone.

A group of villains charged toward him.

They made several stupid mistakes. First of all, they were too loud. Anyone would have heard their footsteps sloshing through the sticky mud. So although he wasn't facing the direction of the attack, Half White Prince Zuko heard it coming.

Secondly, these idiots attacked from the lower ground. The villains were running up the hill to attack The Prince. Anyone with half a cubit of common sense would know that the enemy on higher ground has the advantage. It's basic physics of potential energy.

Thirdly, and perhaps most foolishly, these villains thought that they could defeat The Prince. It was bold of them to assume that they even stood a chance against The Avatar But With Only Fire and Ice. With a simple stomp of his left (or right? I dunno) boot, Prince Zuko froze the dumbasses from head to toe in a matrix of ice.

"Pitiful," he said to the figuratively frozen, and literally frozen, villains. "You idiots couldn't even defeat a 15-year-old child. How dare you set foot in Disaster Land and proclaim to have plans to kill Our Most Beloved Hero, when you can't even lay a scratch on me." He counted the number of villains that he had incapacitated without lifting a finger. "There's eight of you. Eight woefully unprepared street urchins, without the slightest idea of how to use their superpowers."

He began to walk down the mountain. "If you believe in a god, you'd better pray to it, because that ice I created is a special orthorhomibic crystaline type, called Ice XI. Water takes the form of Ice XI when it is chilled to near absolute zero at atmospheric pressure. Within fifteen minutes, all of you will die of hypothermia."

The villains stuttered their response, "He-he's not a kid! He-he's a monster!" one said.

"It-it's so cold," said another.

"H-h-help me," whispered yet another.

As The Prince marched down the mountain, another pair of villains tried to attack him. One had a machete, and one had a fucking spear. This only angered The Prince more. Did these idiot villains seriously think weapons would give them the upper hand? Prince Zuko dodged, and, in an instant, froze his attackers. He then grabbed the tip of Spear Guy's spear, and yanked it. Spear Guy fell forward, but since his legs were completely frozen, his body shattered in half at the knees. His toes up to his knees were still frozen in the mud, in standing position. His knees to his head were lying, face up, in the mud, coated with Ice XI. Spear Guy was screaming. Machete Guy would have screamed at the gruesome sight, if he wasn't too scared to breathe.

But he had to breathe, because The Prince asked him a question. "Do you want to die today?"

"N-no."

"Then tell me all about your little super villain club."

 **[Half White Prince Zuko's Mudslide Adventures End]**

…

 **[Spikey Red Sees a Different Side of Bomb Palms]**

Explodochan and Spikey Red were back to back, in a building similar to the "Villain Hideout" from Practice City D battlefield. The two of them were kicking and punching villains as they launched themselves at the two boys. There were about ten villains. Angry Explodey blasted the hell out of two of them, knocking them through a window, and down to their demise. Spikey Red's rock hard abs protected him from a bad guy who tried to shank him with a fucking broadsword, and he retaliated by cracking the guy's skull open with his rock hard hands. He and Explochan panted as they finished fighting the last few bad bois. It was a tough battle. The two of them were scuffed up—Explodey had lost a gauntlet, and Red Head's pants were ripped up.

"Piece of shit villains," Explodey Boi growled, while he caught his breath.

"Yeah," agreed Spikey Boi. "Let's hurry up and find our classmates. Everyone is probably still in Disaster Land, and not all of them have the offensive power we do."

"If you want to go track everyone down, have fun. But I'm gonna go DESTROY that Warpy Bastard."

"Huh? Our physical attacks didn't even hurt that guy. Don't be an idiot—"

"Eat my ass!" Explochan barked at Spikey Red. "I'm gonna rip that guy's ass apart because he's their way in and out of this shitty theme park! If I cut off their escape route, they'll be stuck here. Then they'll have to get on their knees and blow me to pay for what they've done." In mid-sentence, he reached behind him and grabbed the head of a villain that had camouflaged himself, in order to sneak attack Angry Boi. Without mercy, Bomb Palms blew the guy's brains out. "Anyway," he continued, "if all these villains are shitty like these guys, our classmates can handle them. Even Green Boi could beat the shit out of this asshole."

Spikey Red Head's face turned slightly red. "Whoa. That reaction time was insane." He couldn't help but think, _No wonder Green Boi is in love with this guy. He's so freaking amazing._ He also couldn't help but notice how handsome the Blonde Bomb looked when he was covered in scuffs, scratches, and sweat from battle. He patted his cheeks and mentally told himself, _Calm down Spikey Red, now isn't the time to be gay._ Aloud, Spikey Red said, "Well I guess that's a rational explanation. But since when were you so rational? Usually you're all like 'Fuck off!'"

"I'm always rational, you Crimson Colored Fuck!" screamed Bomb Blonde.

"That's it. That's what I expected."

"Fuck you." Explochan tossed the lifeless body of the villain aside, shook his hand to flick off the brain matter, and started to walk away. "Go find the others if you want to."

"Wait," Spikey Red called out. He hardened his forearms. "You believe in our classmates, and that makes me rock hard." He banged his hardened fists together. "I'm coming with you."

"Don't slow me down."

"Right." The two ran down the stairs of the building, toward the exit. As they ran, Spikey Red couldn't help but notice the intensely focused look in Explochan's eyes. Once again, he blushed. He said, "This side of you, it's really heroic."

"Keep it in your pants bitch. Now isn't the time for flirting."

"…" Spikey Red pouted. _Even when he's being cool, he's still such a dick._

 **[Spikey Red Sees a Different Side of Bomb Palms END]**

…

 **[Martial Arts Kid Doubts Himself]**

Martial Arts Kid wasn't as strong as his classmates. He wasn't as cool as them. Hell, he was basically a seat filler character. He knew that.

But he also knew that he didn't want to die in the 11th episode of season one. That's why he was swinging around from light posts in this fire zone of disaster land. For some reason, the entire fucking city was on fire. Apparently, this happened often enough for UH to consider it a necessary training exercise.

Mostly, Martial Arts Kid was just trying to buy time. But it was annoying that he—of all people—was sent alone to an entire zone, where at least five or six villains were waiting. He didn't want to fight if he didn't have to. After all, his quirk wasn't super flashy. His costume design wasn't super flashy. All he had was a tail and a gi.

"How the hell did I even get into UH?" he wondered aloud as he jumped on top of a burning building. Smoke was rising all around him. He was burning up. He was sweating. He couldn't breathe. Yet he wasted his breath talking to himself, doubting himself. "There are probably a billion other more interesting characters than me. Like that mind-control guy from season 2. Why am I in Class 1-A and he's not?"

He leapt onto another building. This one was less on fire. "And how does UH kept this place permanently on fire? Do they rebuild this place every day, and then set it on fire?" He coughed a little. He jumped down from the building and ran down the street. "I'm not main character material. What the hell am I doing here? Am I even heroic?" He closed his eyes and kept running. "I'm pathetic. I should go choke on dick…"

He rounded a corner. There, in the street in front of him were three bad bois. "Shit," Martial Arts Kid exclaimed as he turned and ran. He jumped up and used his tail to swing on a lamppost. The three dumb villains chased after him, saying, "Where'd he go!? He was just here."

And instead of relying on strength in numbers, they spilt up, each heading down a different street. Martial Arts Kid waited until one of them was right under his lamppost.

 _WHAM!_ He knocked the fuck out of that guy. The bad boi fell forward, unconscious. Martial Arts Kid leapt away.

He thought, _That was pretty cool. Okay, maybe I am kind of cool. I can do this. I'll survive this._

 **[Martial Arts Kid Doubts Himself END]**

…

 **[Headphone Girl sees some Rich Titties while Zappy Makes Scrambled Eggs]**

Okay, so there were at least a dozen villains attacking Tit Girl, Earphone Jackie and Electrodude. Rich Tits immediately made weapons for herself and Headphone Girl. Armed with a staff, Rich Tits fended off attackers, while Headphone Girl, armed with a small sword, defended herself and Pika Pika Dude. "Hey you damsel in distress," Headphone Girl shouted as she stabbed a villain in the gut, "feel free to electrocute these villains whenever the hell you're ready!"

"Don't you think I'd love to do that?" replied Zap Boi, dodging an attack from a big burly dude. "But the only problem is the physics of my quirk. Either I surround myself in electricity or I shock everyone in the area. There's no in-between."

"Uh, yes there is." Headphone Girl kicked him toward another big burly dude. Pikachu Dude instinctively surrounded himself with electricity. Lo and behold, when his electric body touched the big burly dude's body, that big burly dude was electrocuted to death.

He was genuinely surprised. "Oh! Look at that! I guess I can use this one at a time if I launch myself at enemies like a human stun gun!"

But Rich Tits had a better idea. She sprouted a thicc insulation blanket from her back, and draped it over herself and Headphone Girl. "Pikachu-kun!" she shouted. "This blanket is made of 50 percent ignorance and 50 percent denial! It'll insulate us from anything! Feel free to use your Static Shock to electrocute everyone!"

"Good shit!" he said. He leaned back and roared like he was charging up to go super Saiyan. He screamed, "BEYBLADE! LET IT RIIIIIIIIIIIIIP!" as power erupted from his body. Don't ask me how electricity conducted through solid rock, but about 1.21 gigawatts of power erupted from his body and killed the enemies like how bug spray kills roaches. They squirmed and twitched as an electrical storm ravaged their actual literal heart, scorched their skin, and fried their brains. Unfortunately for Zappy, the blast fried his brain too— but in the sense of how a computer short-circuits and gets "fried". Those villains, their brains were "fried" in the sense of their brains had been turned to scrambles eggs.

So Zap Kid had saved the day. But this victory came at a cost. It wasn't good for him to release so much energy at once—and he knew that. Overloading his body with electrical energy was dangerous. Fortunately, his body had evolved certain fail-safe mechanisms to ensure that his quirk didn't kill him. For one, all of the major organs in his body were insulated with a type of connective tissue that protected him from self-harm. Unfortunately, because his brain and nerves form an organ system that relies of electrical signals, they aren't insulated. Thus, he could short-circuit his brain.

Although his nervous system was incredibly resilient—it had the ability to regenerate, which in itself was a marvel—it would take hours for his brain to heal enough that he could function, and days, maybe weeks before he was back to 100 percent. And each time Zap Kid short-circuited, he increased his risk of developing massive seizures. Along with the quirk of Static Shock, epilepsy ran in Zap Kid's family.

But he didn't have the brain power to think about that now. His entire frontal lobe had shut down after that last burst of energy, so he was basically functioning on muscle memory and instinct.

Headphone Chick and Big Titties didn't know about Sparky's short-circuiting problem, though, and were sort of confused when he started wandering around with a dumb look on his face, giving them two thumbs up.

"What the fuck is his problem?" muttered Headphone Girl. She turned to Rich Tits to ask her if she was okay… but got distracted by the oodles of toodles that bounced on her chest. Little Miss Headphones blushed. "Uh… Rich Girl, your titties are out."

"Hmm?" Tit Girl looked down at her shirt. "Wait how did that happen?"

"I guess it happened when you made that insulating sheet thing."

"But I made it on my back, not my chest. So how did the front of my outfit get ripped?"

"I think that since the back ripped, it got loose and… uh… fell off?"

"No that doesn't make sense. It would have made a hole in the back of my leotard, not ripped up my front. This rip looks like I made the blanket thing from my front and back. But I didn't. Right?"

"…uh…" Headphones was still staring at Rich Tits' perky titties.

"Well, either way, it's fine. I'll just create a new outfit." And with a flash of sparkles, she had a perfectly new outfit.

That's when Headphone Girl's gaze was released from captivity, and she was able to look away. She felt the blood rush to her cheeks, so she patted her face and warned herself, _Now is not the time to be a lesbian. Calm yourself._

 **[Headphone Girl sees some Rich Titties while Zappy Makes Scrambled Eggs END]**

 **…**

 **[Little Peepers Feasts]**

UH had spent a ton of money building an entire zone where all it did was constantly hail and blow winds upwards of 20 miles per hour. The engineering required to build it was actually a feat worthy of a nobel prize. The builders called it the Squall Zone, because they were big fans of Final Fantasy VIII.

Birdy and Little Peepers were warped here, along with +Anima, and found themselves surrounded by about six villains. The two boys were cold, it was dark, and they were about to get the shit beat out of them if they didn't do anything.

+Anima was basically useless, because he didn't sense any vicious animals nearby. Besides, how would an animal actually help in this situation? Was he going to summon Bambi to stomp these bad guys to death? Nope. Not happening. So he looked to Black Bird and pleaded silently that he had something up his sleeve.

While Birdy didn't have anything up his sleeve, he definitely had something under his cape. The shadowy demon emerged from its sealed chamber in his belly, and was fueled by the darkness and malicious intent of his enemies. _Master,_ the creature from the nether spoke telepathically, _is it time for me to feast?_

"Yes my precious Little Bird," said Birdy.

"?" +Anima wondered why Birdy had called him that. But when +Anima saw Little Peepers swell to the size of a skyscraper, +Anima realized that Birdy wasn't talking to him.

"Now Lil' Peepers! Devour these foolish mortals whole!"

 _Gladly._ Little Peepers took the shape of an eagle's shadow. He spread out his wings and enveloped the terrified villains in his black magics.

Their screams were music to Birdy's ears.

In the blink of an eye, the bad bois and bad gurls were gone. Nothing was left of them. No shoes. No clothes. Nothing. +Anima was surprised, to say the least.

 _They are now suffering in my pit of eternal torment, Master,_ Little Peepers informed his host. _Their anguish shall sustain me for many weeks. However, if you wish for me to grow stronger, I must feed daily. I must constantly devour the pain and woe of human sacrifices to increase my power. Or do you not wish to become the number one hero in this your realm of the living?_

"I do and I shall, Lil' Peepers. Patience."

+Anima looked at Birdy and wondered exactly what the hell that thing in his stomach is.

 **[Little Peepers Feasts END]**


	23. WHAT A DISASTER! IV

The Random Villains didn't stand a chance against Ninja Eyes. He was dropping them left and right, knocking them out like they were punching bags. When Ninja Sensei had defeated about 75 percent of the villains in the group, Itchy Hands finally decided that maybe he should help his friends. Of course, Itchy Boi hadn't been standing back idly. He had been taking note of Ninja Sensei's technique, analyzing his tactics, and devising a plan of attack. "Just like a video game," said Itchy Boi as he ran toward Ninja Eyes.

Ninja Eyes elbowed Itchy Boi in the gut, but that's what Itchy Boi wanted. He was able to grab Ninja Sensei's elbow. He gripped it tightly. He started counted. "5, 4, 3, 2, 1. You blinked."

"Shit!" Ninja Sensei exclaimed. He realized that Put Your Hands On Me Guy had figured out about his quirk's pesky time limit.

"You know, at first I thought you just had really cool gravity defying anime hair," Hands Boi said, clenching the Ninja's elbow tighter. "But then I noticed that your hair only floated for about 30 seconds at a time. Then 29. Then 28. Blah, blah, blah, and I figured out your weakness. Have you figured out my quirk?"

Ninja Sensei felt a sharp, stinging pain in his elbow. "Shit!" He jumped back, and saw that the skin where Hands Guy had touch him literally decayed into dust. Ninja Sensei had a bad dandruff problem, so he knew what it felt like to have a lot of skin flake off of his scalp. The skin on his elbow looked like dandruff, but to the point where the raw, pinkish layer of subcutaneous skin was exposed. But he barely had time to register how painful this injury was, because Ninja Eyes dodged two attacks from two pathetic villains who couldn't even defeat a man with a busted elbow.

"You know," began Itchy Hands Guy, "you're the Pro Hero Ninja Eyes. You're a ninja. You're not supposed to be fighting head-on. You're supposed to lurk in the shadows and capture people with your jutsu. Did you really think you would win this battle?"

More enemies tried to attack Ninja Eyes. Yet, even with one arm out of commission, he still used his magic scarf and blink-blink powers to beat the shit out of them. This annoyed Itchy Boi, who said, "Come on Super Villains! I pretty much defeated him for you! Whoop his ass!"

But the villains couldn't. Can't Keep Your Hands Off Me Boi watched in annoyance as Ninja Eyes won against the members of the Super Villain Club.

Ninja Eyes panted, and faced Itchy Hands, ready to whoop some Itchy butt. But there was one last club member available to defend the President. "Mutant Brain Henchman, attack!" yelled Itchy Boi.

Ninja Eyes felt someone cast a shadow over him. He turned around to see some weird thing that looked like a muscular monster with an exposed brain. Because it looked so freaking weird, Ninja Eyes hesitated. The Monster used that second of hesitation to smack Ninja Eyes' head so hard that his goggles flew off. He then grabbed Ninja Eyes by the back of his head, and repeatedly slammed his face into the solid rock beneath them.

As Ninja Eyes was basically getting his face smashed into dirt, his life flashed before his eyes. He remembered growing up in the small town of Hidden Leaf Village, in Japanese Countryside, Japan. There, he attended elementary and middle school, before moving to Big Japanese City, Japan, to attend a high school that offered a hero course. There, he met and became friends with Speaker Man.

Speaker Man was annoying as fuck as a teenager. He was loud, embarrassing, and frankly, kind of a jerk. He was the kind of guy who would butt into a conversation and change the topic to be all about him.

Ninja Eyes remembered this one instance specifically, where he was talking to the class rep and her friends about what they wanted to do for the school festival. "We could do a play," she suggested.

"I hate plays," Ninja Eyes told her. "Can't we do something less flashy? Like, maybe an origami booth?"

"Oh wow, that's creative," she replied. "Sure, let's—"

Then Speaker Man jumped into their conversation. "LAME!" he shouted. "Origami booth? That's SUPER STUPID! I say we host a concert! ROCK AND ROLL!"

One of the girl's friends said, "I kind of like the idea of—"

"I know how to play guitar," Speaker Man said. "So I can do that. You girls know how to sing? I'll make you a rock star!"

Just because he was loud and sounded confident, the class eventually decided to do a concert. And it went well. That's where Speaker Man got noticed by a hero agency recruiter and from there, he went on to become a well-known pro hero.

Twenty years later, Ninja Eyes was still a little salty that Speaker Man shot down his origami booth idea. He swore to himself that if he survived this attack, he would punch the fuck out of Speaker Man.

But it didn't look like he'd survive this attack. Mutant Brain Henchman was twisting his limbs like they were made of spaghetti. And since his limbs were actually made of flesh and bones, they cracked with the sickening sound of something that would never heal properly.

Mutant Brian Henchman played with Ninja Sensei like a three-year old would play with a Barbie doll—by slamming his face down on the ground repeatedly. Green Boi, Froakie, and Purple Shit watched in horror at the sight of their teacher being murdered. They knew that they should run, or something, but they couldn't move. It was scary and terrible, but they couldn't move.

A minute after Mutant Henchman starting head-banging Ninja Eyes, Mr. Warp Gate, for some reason, was able to escape Blushy's Anti-Psychics and warp over there with them. He appeared next to Itchy Boi and said, "One of the kids escaped and is going to get help."

"…" Itchy Boi looked at his Vice President. "… … …" He started to itch himself on the neck. He itched so hard that he started to bleed. "Mr. Warp Gate, you had one fucking job."

"My bad."

"Welp…" He stopped itching. "Looks like we have to leave, huh?"

"Yup."

"Dammit. But can I kill an innocent child before we go?"

"Sure. Just hurry up."

The three teenagers were watching, and heard Touch My Body Boi say that. But it didn't register in their brains fast enough. It seemed like in an instant, Itchy Hands was reaching out to attack Froakie. Time moved in slow motion for the three of them as Itchy Boi wrapped his hands around Froakie's face.

Green Boi panicked.

Purple Boi panicked.

Froakie panicked.

But…

When she didn't decay into nothingness, Itchy Boi realized that his quirk had been erased. Even after all that punishment, Ninja Eyes was still able to protect his favorite student. Mutant Brain Henchman slammed Ninja Eyes' face into the ground once more.

That's when Green Boi acted. He punched the fuck out of Itchy Boi.

Or he thought he punched the fuck out of Itchy Boi. When the smoke cleared, Green Boi realized his arm wasn't broken…

And he had actually punched Mutant Brain Henchman.

And Mutant Brain Henchman wasn't even hurt at all in the slightest.

 _What the hell?_ Green Boi thought as Mutant Brain Henchman reached out to grab him, and Itchy Boi reached out to grab both Froakie and Purple Boi, and Froakie snatched Purple Boi out of the water and stuck her tongue out to grab Green Boi, and All American burst through the front doors of Disaster Land.

All American burst through the front doors of Disaster Land!?

Triumphant music started to play as the Mightiest Hero tossed aside his suit jacket and stood with his chest out, his muscles tensed, and his patience worn thin. He was so angry that the darkness shielding his face intensified, heightening the sharpness of his chiseled features.

He wasted no time. Before his theme song reached its full fanfare, he had already saved Ninja Eyes, Green Boi, Froakie and Grape Boi. He had also slapped Itchy Boi across the face, knocking off one of the severed hands that gripped it.

Itchy Boi dropped to his knees. "D-daddy?" he mumbled. He searched for the hand by patting the ground, as if he was blind without a hand covering his face. He found his Daddy Hand, and while he put it back on his face, he wondered, _I thought I was playing on easy mode. Why is All American still so strong?_

Meanwhile All American did the smart thing, which was to take Ninja Eyes and the students back to the entrance of Disaster Land, where the rest of Class 1-A was. He set Ninja Eyes down and said, "He's barely alive. We need to heal him as soon as possible. Same thing for Astronaut Guy. Dammit, I wish we had a student with a healing quirk. Students, take your wounded teachers to the bus and wait there. If you know first aid, try to treat their injuries as much as you can. Keep your guard up."

"Right!" everyone said.

All American leapt back down the stairs, toward Mutant Brain Henchman and Itchy Boi, who were still shocked shitless at the sheer amount of raw power that All American had. Green Boi watched in awe and admiration as All American used a Raleigh, North Carolina Smash against the mutant.

Raleigh, North Carolina Smash was a top-tier All American confirmed combo, so the Blonde Superhero expected it kill the mutant. But it didn't. In fact, All American's fist didn't even seem to faze the mutant.

Green Boi noticed this. He gasped, looked at his own arm, and muttered, "Oh…shit…" He Mutter Muttered for a second and figured out everything about the situation. All American was weak. Mutant Brain Henchman was meant to kill him. Something about Mutant Brain stopped Deus ex Machina from working. This was bad.

"Green Boi!" Blushy called out to him. The rest of their classmates were running toward the exit. "Come on! We got to get to the bus!"

"You go ahead! I'll catch up!" Greenie said, running toward the battle. He started to cry as he realized that All American was definitely in a lot of trouble.

…

Today hadn't been a good day for All American. It started out when his alarm didn't ring, so he slept in, missing the first hour of school. As if that wasn't bad enough, his stomach (or what was left of it, anyway) hurt really bad. He suspected that the reason was that he had taken a risk last night, and drank the milk in his fridge that was one week past its expiration date. After an All American Super Dump, he felt a little better. So he got ready to go to work. He wore his nice yellow suit, which had been tailored perfectly to his size by the best tailors in all of Japan.

He felt like, although it started out rough, this day would be a good day. But he had gotten too hopeful too soon. His morning commute to work was interrupted by not one, not two, but three criminal incidents within an hour. Someone robbed a liquor store, then someone mugged an old lady, and then someone stole someone's car. What kind of a Symbol of Peace would he be if he didn't help?

After taking care of those incidents, his stomach started to act up again. He had to super squeeze his butt cheeks while he did a quick interview for the media, before running off to a public library to use the toilet there. He felt really bad for stinking up the restroom, so he super swatted his hands to clear the scent away.

Overall, he had used up a lot of energy this morning. He had to revert to his wimpy form to finish his commute to work. And he headed straight for Nurse Kisses' office because his stomach was aching again. She gave him some medication to calm his bowels. Then she gave him a kiss because, why not? The kiss made him drowsy, so he dozed off for about an hour.

When he awoke, Principal Kawaii was waiting for him. The principal took All American to his office and chastised him about being late for work. "I expect as much from Ninja Eyes, but All American, I had higher hopes for you. Although you don't have a homeroom class, I do expect you to be at your desk in the teacher's office during your office hours. Do I make myself clear?"

"I'm sorry Principal Kawaii," Blonde Superman apologized. "I didn't intend to be late, but I had to stop some criminals and I was sick—"

"No excuses!" said the Principal with a wink… or was that an evil eye?

So All American had gotten reprimanded by his boss. To make matters worse, he couldn't go super flex mode for another couple of hours, because he wasn't feeling too well. He explained that to Principal Kawaii, "Because I expended so much energy, I can't activate my muscle form. That means I can't go teach my class."

Shaking his head, the Cutest School Principal said, "You need to learn your limits. I'm very disappointed in you."

That hurt. All American hated to disappoint anyone.

Therefore, as soon as he was physically able, All American buffed up and ran down to Disaster Land, hoping to be of some sort of use to his students. That's when he met up with Engine Legs, who was running to get help for his classmates. Engine Legs explained the situation, and All American told the boi to run to get more backup while he handled the situation.

So now, here he was, topping off a shitty morning with an even shittier afternoon. He was not in the mood for this nonsense. Frankly, he could barely hold this form for another ten minutes, much more fight with it. Plus, guess what? His fucking stomach was acting up again. Blonde Superman just wanted to kill these villains, save the children, go home, take a shit, and go to sleep.

But of course, as luck would have it today, that wasn't going to happen.

All American One Punch Man gaped at the sight of his fist buried in the skin of Mutant Brain Henchman. The Blondest Superhero was very confused, because that punch should have splattered the Bad Brain Boi's guts all over the grass. He thought that maybe he hadn't punched hard enough, so he reared back with his other fist and smashed the hell out of his opponent.

Still no blood and guts. He exclaimed, "What the hell!?"

Itchy Hand Boi offered an explanation. "Mutant Brain Henchman is a genetically modified super being that we made in lab so that he would have the perfect combination of quirks to defeat you. We gave him 'big strong body', 'super strength', 'quick reaction reflex', 'lots of health points', and 'I can take a punch'."

Warp Gate, who was still standing next to Itchy Boi, asked, "Why did you tell him that?"

Itchy Boi realized that, yeah, that was stupid.

Anyway, All American decided that if he couldn't punch his enemy, he'd just bury the mutherfucker underground. So he grabbed Mutant Brain Henchman around the waist, leaned backwards, and suplexed him.

That should have worked, but again, just his fucking luck, All American Blonde Superman found himself being suplexed by the suplexee. Basically, Warp Gate Man opened up a warp gate so that Mutant Brain Henchman warped through the ground, and back up again, to grab All American's waist.

Right at his weak spot.

Mutant Henchman squeezed Blonde Superman's torso so hard that it started bleeding. Then Warp Gate Man said, "I'm gonna pull you halfway into my warp gate and close it, thus slicing you into halves."

 _Shit._ All American thought as grunted and struggled to break free. _This is a very bad situation. How the hell am I gonna get out of this?_

Finally, Blonde Superman's luck started to brighten. He heard the all-to-familiar sound of a high-pitched primal scream. It was Green Boi. He was running toward Mr. Warp Gate, shouting, "Get your filthy pagan hands off my lord and savior!"

But it wasn't Green Boi who saved the day. In fact, Greenie probably would have just gotten in the way and hurt himself. It was Angry Boi, who jumped down from heaven or somewhere, who saved the day. He shouted, "Green Boi you dumbass bitch move out the way!" With a devilish look in his eyes, Explodey exploded the hell out of Mr. Warp Gate.

Green Boi was knocked back by the blast, and rolled to a stop a couple feet away. He sat up and saw that Explochan had grabbed Mr. Warp Gate by the metal collar thing that served as his physical body, and had pinned it to the ground. "Gotcha, you smokey bastard. I'm gonna make you eat my ass."

Half Prince appeared out of nowhere too, and froze Mutant Brain Henchman in his Ice XI. This weakened Mutant Brain, and allowed Blonde Superman to escape his grasp. Then Spikey Red dropped down from only god knows where, and tried to beat the hell out of Can't Keep My Hands To Myself Boi. The latter dodged, and Spikey Red jumped back.

To Prince Zuko's surprise, Mutant Brain Henchman broke out of his Ice XI prison by sacrificing an arm and a leg.

But, unlike Edward Alrich, Mutant Brain's limbs grew back.

"What the fuck?" everyone said.

Itchy Boi explained, "We added some Namekian DNA—you know, from planet Namek— so he can grow back his limbs."

"Dammit, stop telling them all our secrets!" Mr. Warps shouted.

So Itchy Boi shut up.

Now there was a tense stalemate.


	24. WHAT A DISASTER! V

Itchy Boi looked at the scenario in front of him. It was like a shitty game of chess. If Itchy Boi was the king, then Warp Gate was the queen, Mutant Brain was the knight, and all his other SVC (Super Villain Club) members were just pawns.

On the opposing side, All American Blonde Superman was definitely the king… and the queen. Maybe even the knight, rook and bishop too. As for these annoying UH brats, they were just pawns.

But they were strong pawns.

This was not a game of chess that he could win unless he got rid of the pawns.

"Mr. Warp Gate," whined Itchy Boi, "how could you let yourself get pinned down by that fugly child?"

The purple sparkle mist man tried to struggle. But Explochan sparked a few explosions, and warned him, "Don't move. You try anything funny and I'll blow your ass up right now, you got it? They'll be cleaning you up for weeks."

Red Boi asked, "Wow, is that your actual cannon English dialogue?"

Itchy Boi simulated the game of chess in his head. Then he decided on the next course of action. "Mutant Brain Henchman, free Mr. Warp Gate."

No sooner had he said that, than Mr. Warp Gate was in the mutant's safe and powerful arms. There was a cloud of dust and the sound of someone smashing into a random wall that was there for no reason. Green Boi panicked. "Explochan!" Then he noticed that his friend was sitting behind him. "Explochan!? Huh! Whoa, you dodged that?"

"No the fuck I didn't…" Explochan replied, his body tensing.

"Then what happened?" asked Spikey Red, as he and Half Prince and Green Boi looked up at the clouds of dust.

All American had taken the hit and saved Explochan from certain death. He was guarding with his forearms as blood trickled down the side of his lip. "You bastard! You seriously tried to kill a child!" roared the horrified superhero.

Itchy Boi replied, "Uh, duh! You kill villains all the time. That green-haired boi was about to kill me with a super punch." He gestured all around him, at the limp bodies of his SVC pawns. "Look what Ninja Eyes did to my friends. And if Mutant Brain Henchman couldn't regrow his limbs, he'd be in big trouble right now. So don't take the higher ground here. We're all violent fucks. This is a violent anime. So let's stop all this talking and start fighting."

So they did start fighting.

At least, All American and Mutant Brain did.

All American could be stupid sometimes. For instance, he drank rotten milk and forgot to set up his alarm this morning. But when it comes to fighting, he's not stupid. He knew exactly what to do. In a way, he too was playing chess in his head. First of all, he knew he had to protect the children. He knew these precious little idiots would jump in to try to save him if he got into a pinch again. He knew that the villains were WAY too strong and would kill them.

So he needed to prevent them from attacking. How? Create so much wind pressure that they were blown away. This would also prevent Itchy Boi and Mr. Warp Gate from getting to the children. He needed to create a wind hurricane. But how would he do that? Well, one of Mutant Brain Henchman's quirks was "I can take a punch". That means he could take a punch—but not necessarily cancel out the blow. If All American punched him hard enough, then the recoil would become wind pressure. At least that's how physics works in their universe.

And if All American punched Mutant Brain Henchman in a targeted way, with over 100 percent of his power in each blow, certainly that would tear apart the Mutant's body faster than it could regenerate. Then he'd win.

That was his plan. That's what he did. He punched rapid fire, each blow like a bullet from a machine gun, decimating the villain faster than he could regenerate. All American punched the fuck out of the villain so hard that he launched Mutant Brain up in the air.

Then he jumped and drop kicked him down. Then he picked him up. He slung him in the air. He jumped up. Linking his hands, All American smashed Mutant Brain down. He threw him up once more. He charged up his last final attack. His body was trembling with potential energy as he prepared to punch Mutant Brain so hard that it was indescribable how hard it would be.

All American yelled, "PRUSSU URTRA!" as he smashed Mutant Brain through the roof of Disaster Land. He sent Mutant Brain Henchman flying through a _reinforced steel_ domed roof. Honestly, Mutant Brain Henchman was lucky that he had the "I can take a punch" quirk, or, as Angry Boi had said to Mr. Warp Gate, they'd be cleaning him up for weeks.

"Shit…" said Half Boi, Red Boi, Angry Boi and Green Boi, as they marveled at All American's majestic body. He was panting from the exertion of energy. His broad shoulders moved up and down rhythmically, as if dancing to a silent heroic song playing in his heart. His ripped shirt revealed the outline of his muscular torso. He was bleeding on his chin and on his waist, and the bottom half of his left pant leg was missing. He had taken a beating.

But he had won. He beat Mutant Brain Henchman.

The boys blushed, and tried not to get too excited over the erotic display of power that they had just witnessed. That's when Green Boi noticed that All American was steaming. Not just steaming as in "sexy", but steaming as in literally giving off smoke.

The clouds of dust and debris from the fight were partially obscuring it, but All American was giving off that white, steamy substance that escaped from his body when he deflated to wimp mode. Green Boi immediately realized that All American was bluffing when he what he said next, "Is that all you've got villains? I could fight all day."

All American knew he was making a dangerous power move with this bluff. If the villains called him out on it, he was done for. First of all, he could barely hold on to his muscle form. Second of all, it was only by the grace of the gods that he didn't shit himself during that battle. His buttcheeks were clenched tighter than the cap on a new pickle jar. The Superhero put on an air of confidence, but in his mind, he was panicking. _Not only am I about to revert to my true form, but I'm also about to crap my pants. What sort of symbol of peace shits himself after a battle?_

Itchy Boi started to itch himself again. He scratched his neck raw, as he fiercely grumbled, "No, no, no, no! We were supposed to win! Mutant Brain Henchman was supposed to kill All American Blonde Superman! What the hell!? Why isn't this working? We were playing on easy mode, with an action replay, with cheat codes and bonus lives and hacks and mods! We were supposed to win!"

While Itchy Boi was having a mental breakdown, Mr. Warp Gate noticed that All American was trembling. Trembling with fatigue. Therefore Mr. Warps said, "He looks weak. Maybe he's bluffing. Let's attack him now."

Itchy Boi snapped out of his dramatic monologue and looked up to see that, yeah, All American looked shaky. "Oh. Okay." So he charged at All American.

That's when Green Boi charged at Itchy Boi. He moved so fast that Explochan, Zuko and Spikey didn't realize that he had moved until they heard Green Boi scream, "NOT TODAY SATAN!"

Maybe he shouldn't have screamed, because Mr. Warps heard it, and in an instant, activated a warp gate to teleport Itchy Boi's hand right in front of Green Boi's face.

And that would have been the end of Precious Green Bean's face, if he hadn't shifted his trajectory at the last moment. He barely missed being face-palmed by Throw Them Hands Up Boi. He fell to the ground and cinnamon-rolled a few feet away. Once again, Green Bean was useless, serving only as a distraction to stall for more time so that the real heroes could save the day.

This time, it was Wild West Shoot 'Em Up who jumped in to help. He, along with Sensual Kurenai, Danny Phantom, Tofu Block Man, Speaker Man, Guy Carrying Principal Kawaii, and Principal Kawaii had finally arrived at Disaster Land. Wild West Shoot 'Em Up used his perfect aim to shoot Itchy Hands in his hand, both arms and both legs.

Checkmate.

"FUCK!" screamed Itchy Boi as he bled profusely. Mr. Warp Gate realized that these heroes weren't playing, and were seriously going to kill them. He teleported them both away.

So that was the end of that.

Red Head and Half Prince were shocked that Green Boi could move that fast. But none of them were as shocked as Angry Boi, who was so shocked that he just stared at his friend with his mouth ajar.

All American didn't have time for their shock. He was desperately fighting back the laws of nature. He said, "Children, go join your classmates at the bus."

"R-right," said Spikey Red, regaining his composure. He tapped Half Prince, and the two of them started walking away. Angry Boi blinked a few times, as if coming back to reality, and frowned. "Show off," he complained. "Come on Green Boi. Let's go." He started walking. But Green Boi didn't follow. So he stopped and turned around. "Well?!" he barked.

"Um… I can't…" Green Boi admitted. "My legs are kind of broken…"

"…" Angry Boi blinked a few times. "Haha, very funny. Now come over here before I actually break your fucking legs."

"No, they're actually broken Explochan. I can't feel it right now because the adrenaline is still flowing through my veins, and the presence of All American is a natural painkiller, but I'm pretty sure that if I try to move, I'll make it worse."

"Green Boi, I swear to god I'll fuck you raw if you don't get up right now."

"Explochan what the fuck is wrong with you?! I'm tired of all this explicit language!"

"Okay, I'm coming over there," Explochan said walking toward Green Boi. "And if your legs are broken, I'm gonna Rage all over you."

All American was losing steam, and losing his battle with his gut. He whispered, "Green Boi, he can't come over here!"

Green Boi realized that All American was about to go into his shriveled form and said, "Ah! Actually, I'm fine Explochan!"

This time, it was Tofu Block Man who saved the day. He touched the ground, and built up a wall of solid tofu around Green Boi and All American. To Angry Boi, he said, "Young man, go back to the bus."

"I'll go to the bus when I'm good and ready, you Square Shaped Fuck," Explochan retorted. So Tofu Block Man immediately encased him in a wall of tofu. Tofu Block Man used his powers to carry the world's angriest piece of tofu up the entrance, and out of Disaster Land.

"Phew, that was close," Green Boi said, looking up to All American.

"Y-yeah…" All American grumbled. He released his super flex form and concentrated all of his efforts to control his bowels.

"Are you okay Blonde Superman? That battle must have worn you out."

"Between you and me kid, I'm having a really bad upset stomach, and at any moment now, I'm gonna do something that will make you never look at me the same way again…"

"WOW!" Green Boi exclaimed with stars in his eyes. "You defeated that super strong villain _while you're sick_? Are you kidding me? That's the most awesome thing in the world!" Green Boi started to cry. "Oh my god, you are just _too fucking amazing_ Blonde Superman! I wish I could be like you! I love you so much! I love you so much, you don't even understand!" He started blubbering, and muttering, "I couldn't have ever imagined how truly powerful you are! Not even in my wildest fanfictions!" Green Boi sobbed tears of joy.

All American needed to hear that sort of encouragement today. He really did. And because of that, he found the strength to hold it in until he got back to UH and sat on a toilet.

…

Ambulances arrived to transport All American, Green Boi, Ninja Eyes, Astronaut Man and Honey Sweet Laser Belly. The latter had valiantly fought off four villains, alongside Invisible Girl, at the Tsunami Zone. They won, but he had suffered several major injuries, such as a broken rib, cuts and bruises, and a sharp blow to the back of the head.

His classmates wished him well as they watched him be loaded away and whisked to the nearest hospital. Then a policeman approached the group of kids and counted them. "15, 16, 17, 18," he counted. "Plus the two wounded kids is twenty. All right, all are accounted for." He checked off a piece of paper, and handed it to his partner, Police Cat.

"Two in the hospital?" Blushy asked, looking around. "It's Laser Belly and…? Ah! Green Boi! What happened to Green Boi?"

Engine Legs, said, "Sir, she means Bean Child-kun. What happened to him?"

Police Man said, "He's been taken to Nurse Kisses. He broke his legs. Don't worry, he'll be fine."

Blushy winced. Then she hit herself on the forehead, and whispered, "How the hell did he break his legs? Stupid fucking Green Boi. I should have stopped him from running back to the fight…"

"What about Ninja Sensei and Astronaut Guy?" asked Pinky.

"Yikes, uh, they're not looking too good. Ninja Eyes basically got his face smashed in, and Astro Guy sucked himself up… So…"

The students gasped.

"But they'll see the best doctors available, including Nurse Kisses. I'm sure they'll be fine by season 2."

The students exhaled. Half Prince asked, "And Superman-sensei? What about him?"

"He's fine."

The students were a little relieved, but still very shaken by the entire experience. They started talking to each other, to decompress the situation. Glasses Guy apologized, "I'm sorry I took so long. Turns out I left my cellphone in my uniform pants, so instead of calling the school once I was outside of the signal jam radius, I had to run all the way to the damn school to tell them in-person about the situation. I ran as fast as I could. It was about 20 kilometers to the school and once I got there, I ran straight into Principal Kawaii's office. Luckily he and all the other teachers were having a teacher meeting right at that moment. Once I explained the situation, we all got into Principal Kawaii's minivan and drove here to rescue everyone." He clenched his fist. "If only I were faster. Maybe then…"

Duct Tape Guy patted his shoulders and said, "Dude, don't beat yourself up. You basically ran a half-marathon in like…" he pulled out his cellphone to check the time, "in like half an hour! Engine Legs, that's amazing."

Half Prince said, "Our captivity lasted about half an hour total, so if you account for the time it took the teachers to get here, then Engine Legs probably ran a half marathon in 15 minutes."

Pikachu Dude, whose brain had recovered from the earlier shock, exclaimed, "Wait, that WHOLE situation happened in about thirty minutes? It felt like hours!"

"It was actually really quick," Invisible Girl said. "But so much happened that it felt like a long time."

Six Arms asked, "Invisible-chan, how did you fare against the villains? After all, you don't have an offensive quirk."

"I was with Honey-kun. At first we were both hiding behind a fallen building, but then the villains found us. Well, they found Honey-kun. I'm invisible. He tried to blast them with his Belly Beam(™) , but they kept dodging, and then he couldn't shoot anymore because his stomach hurt too bad. And we were cornered, so we quickly developed a last-ditch tactic to fight. He distracted the villains with his flamboyancy while I snuck behind them and snapped their necks." She sighed. "He bravely sacrificed himself as bait to protect me…" Although no one could see it, she rubbed her arms. "I hope he's okay."

"He'll be okay," the rest of the class assured her.

"It scares me, though, to think of what would have happened if I was alone. I probably would have just stayed hidden. And that's not heroic at all…" She shook her head. "What am I even doing in this school? I'm not hero material."

"Don't say that!" Martial Arts Kid shouted. He stomped his foot. "I felt the same way at first. I was all alone in the Fire Zone, and a bunch of bad bois were chasing me. I was running and hiding, and I felt like a shitty hero who should go choke on dick! But when I beat the crap out of my first enemy, I realized that I'm not! None of us are! We survived an onslaught of villains who were literally trying to murder us. That's why we're here. We each have a reason to be here. Invisible-chan, you and Honey-kun are both brave heroes. Believe it!"

She started to cry. "O-okay."

"Oh my gosh, do you need a hug?" Pinky asked, hugging her anyway. Then Pinky started to cry. "Oh my gosh, we really just survived a real thing, didn't we?"

"Y-yeah," Grape Baby said, crying, and joining in on the hug. "I was so scared!"

Pinky kicked him away. But she allowed Martial Arts Kid to be part of the group hug. He said, "I was scared too. I thought I was gonna die."

Blushy fell victim to the tears too, and she joined the hug, saying, "I'm so glad everyone is okay!" Sugar Daddy joined, and then Froakie joined, saying, "Ribbit."

Spikey Red caught the feels as well. He wrapped his arms around Duct Tape Guy and Pikachu Dude, who happened to be standing beside him. "I'm so proud of everyone. It's only our 5th day of school and we survived something like this."

Rich Tits hugged Headphone Girl, who happened to be beside her. Six Arms hugged Birdy, +Anima, Half Boi, and Engine Legs.

The only person who was left was Explochan, who scoffed at this weird display of emotion between his classmates. Spikey Red noticed, and he shouted, "Come on Explodey-kun! We're bonding!"

"Eat my ass!" barked Bomb Palms as he crossed his arms, walked over to Spikey Red's hug pile, and allowed himself to be embraced by his classmates.


	25. Mixed Feelings

Once everything settled down, the students were loaded back onto the buses and transported back to UH. There, they changed out of their costumes and were dismissed from school.

"Hey Glasses Boi!" Blushy called out, running to him. "Want to walk home together? Please? Cuz I'm kinda scared to walk home alone…"

"Of course Floaty Girl-chan," he replied. "But I was gonna wait for Green Boi at the nurse's office. If you don't mind the wait, then all three of us can walk home together."

"Sounds like a plan!" she said.

The two walked along the hallway as the afternoon sun set into evening. They were both quiet. Now that the adrenaline had worn off, and the students had a moment to contemplate the situation, the emotional toll of the SVC attack began to weigh on them.

Blushy started to shake. Her lips started to tremble. Her eyes watered and she quietly sobbed.

"Floaty Girl-chan?" Engine Legs said.

"What if…" she trailed off. She wiped her face. "I know I shouldn't ask 'what if', but 'what if'? You know? There's like a million scenarios going through my mind right now. Like what if you weren't able to run for help? What if All American hadn't shown up? What if…? What if…?"

"I think that's the sign of a true hero, Blushy," Glasses Boi said, patting her head. "'What if?' is an important question. A true hero is always thinking about how to improve. What if I ran a little faster? What if I was just a little stronger? It is those 'what if' questions that push us toward becoming better versions of ourselves."

Blushy shuddered and kept wiping her face. "You called me Blushy," she said, with a smile.

Glasses Boi blushed. "Oh. I'm sorry to be informal. I just thought that since we were sharing a deep moment it would be best too—"

"It's fine!" she laughed a little. "See, I'm smiling."

Glasses Guy smiled too. Then he adjusted his glasses. "This whole ordeal reminded me just how much I need to grow, how much more I need to learn, and how much stronger I need to be." He clenched his hands into fists. "It reminded me how much I want to be a hero."

"Same," Blushy clapped her hands. "It's scary, but I want to be someone who can protect myself, as well as others. Thanks Glasses Boi."

"For what?"

"Just…well… talking. Talking about it. I needed to talk about it…"

"Do you think the entire class would need to talk about it?"

Blushy nodded.

"Then I'll speak to Tits-chan about establishing time to talk about it."

"That sounds good. You're a good Deputy Class Rep, Glasses Boi. I'm glad I voted for you."

"Thank you for putting your trust in me."

The two of them arrived at Nurse Kisses' office. For some reason, this time the door was closed. And locked. But the lights were on, meaning that someone was still in there. Blushy was surprised, and she said, "That's weird. Nurse Kisses doesn't usually lock the door." She knocked on it.

No answer.

"I already tried that," said a voice that Blushy almost didn't recognize when it wasn't loud and angry. She and Glasses Boi turned around to see Explochan leaning against the opposite side of the wall, half-way in shadow, his arms crossed and head down. He was still in his hero costume. That means he had gone straight to the nurse's office once they returned to campus.

"Oh…" Blushy didn't know what to say to this sad-looking Angry Boi. Neither did Glasses Boi. But as Deputy Class Rep, he decided to try something. "My human facial expression recognition software recognizes that you are displaying a sad face. This indicates that you are harboring negative emotions. Do you want to talk about it?"

The glare that Angry Boi gave Glasses Boi made him take a step back and shield Blushy with his body. "Maybe we should go," Glasses Boi decided, as he took her hand and led her away.

"But what about Green Boi?" she asked as she followed Engine Legs.

Angry Boi scoffed. He squatted down. He ran his hands through his hair. "What's there to talk about?" he grumbled.

…

When Green Boi finally emerged from the nurse's office, it was well into the evening. Nurse Kisses said, "Be careful walking home!"

"Of course!" he replied, waving goodbye and running out of the door. And because he's such a klutz, he ran right into Angry Boi, knocking both of them down. "Oof!" Green Boi exclaimed, falling backwards onto his butt. Nurse Kisses peeked out of the door. "Green Bean?" she called out.

"I'm okay!"

She saw that he had ran into Explochan. She chuckled a little. But Bomb Palms didn't find it so funny. "Why'd you lock the damn door Grandma?" he barked. She didn't answer his question, opting instead to reply with, "Good night you two," as she retreated into her office.

Green Boi dusted himself off and was about to stand up, but Angry Boi grabbed his hand and yanked him into a hug. Green Boi, surprised, asked, "Whoa? What's going on?"

"What do you think, you butt munching bitch?"

Green Boi groaned. Yet he returned the hug. "I don't understand you at all Explochan. Just say what you want."

"You."

"I what? What did I do?"

"No, you stupid little bitch," Angry Boi pushed him away and stood up. "You don't understand anything! You have that dumb Mutter Mutter quirk yet you can't understand simple Japanese!"

Green Boi stood up too. "No, you're the problem! I'm smart as hell! I can't figure you out because it's your fault!" Green Boi shook his head and started to walk down the hall, toward the locker room. "I'm gonna change into my uniform…" He noticed that Explochan was still wearing his hero costume. "You didn't change?"

"Does it look like I changed?"

"Were you waiting for me?"

"What do you think?"

"You can save a lot of breath by saying yes or no, Explochan."

"You can save a lot of breath by not asking stupid questions."

"Why are we arguing about this?" Green Boi snapped. "We had a super stressful day! We were attacked by villains! We could have died! We seriously could have died! Why can't we just be happy that we're okay?" Green Boi bit his lower lip and squinted his eyes.

"Here comes the water works." Angry Boi rolled his eyes and started walking toward the locker rooms.

"Why…" Green Boi said, sniffling, "why did you wait for me if you were just gonna be such a jerk?"

With a sigh, Explochan grabbed Green Boi's hand and led him to the locker room. After they changed clothes, they walked home together. Green Boi was still crying, and Angry Boi was still holding his hand, leading the way. The street lights shone above them as they took the familiar route home.

"You gonna cry the entire time?" asked Explochan.

Green Boi didn't reply because he was crying.

"Heroes don't cry Green Boi."

"Shut up. They do," Green Boi argued as he wiped his face. He calmed down.

"So you really broke your legs, huh?"

"Yeah."

"Because of Mutter Mutter?"

Green Boi nodded. "I'm gonna call it 'Go Green Power Ranger' from now on."

Explochan stopped walking. "Why?"

"I dunno. I just like the name. And Blushy stayed up all night thinking about it—"

"No you damn nerd. I mean why did you break your legs?"

"Because of my quirk."

"WHY DID YOUR QUIRK BREAK YOUR FUCKING LEGS?" Explochan raised his hands in the air and blew up a little bit.

Green Bean cowered. Angry Boi scoffed. They were almost at Green Boi's apartment complex. But he wasn't going to let Greenie go home without an answer. So Green Boi explained, "It's just way too powerful for me. I still need to learn how to use it."

Angry Boi rubbed his forehead in frustration. "Then why did you jump in the way? All American Blonde Superman had the situation under control. Why break your legs for no reason?"

"…" Green Boi had thought about that while he recovered in the nurse's office. Withered All American was recovering in there too. That's why Nurse Kisses had locked the door. All American had ensured Green Boi that his split second decision was a good thing. "Seriously, you saved me Precious Green. You distracted them for two seconds, and that was all I needed. Otherwise, those villains would have attacked me, and I would have shat my pants and deflated. It would have been terrible."

Green Boi nodded. "Yeah…" But frankly, buying time was what Green Boi had done the day Ooze Dude attacked Explochan last year. After a year of training, after getting a super cool super power, and after getting accepted into UH, all Green Boi could do was… stall?

Explochan had tackled the Warp Gate Guy. Half Prince had frozen the Mutant Brain Henchman. They barely broke a sweat. Green Boi broke both legs just to save two seconds for Wild West Shoot 'Em Up to arrive and gun down Itchy Hands.

That was pathetic. Green Boi felt pathetic. But he didn't know how to convey those feelings to Explochan. So he just said, "I thought I had to…"

"Had to what?"

"Protect All American…"

"Do you even listen to yourself when you speak? You seriously thought The Mightiest One needed protection? And that **_you_** could protect him?"

All American had needed protection. And Green Boi did protect him—even if it was just for two seconds. So yes. And yes. And yes. But of course Green Bean couldn't tell Explochan the truth. So he just shrugged and mumbled, "Yeah, it sounds stupid now that I think about it."

"Don't do something so stupid ever again," Angry Boi demanded, reaching for Green Boi's hand once more. Green Boi snatched his hand away and shook his head. "Explochan, if I think someone needs help, I'm gonna help them."

"YOU CAN'T HELP ANYONE GREEN BOI!" shouted Angry Boi.

"WELL GOODAMMIT, I'M GONNA TRY!" shrieked Green Boi.

Explochan raised his fist. Green Boi braced himself to be punched. Explochan hesitated. He lowered his hand. He sighed. He turned away. He kept walking.

Green Boi sighed too. He stood there, watching Explochan leave.

…

Angry Boi arrived home in a flurry of rage. He literally kicked the front door open and marched into the house, shouting, "STUPID FUCKING SUPER VILLAIN CLUB!"

His mother, who was lounging on the living room sofa, watching K-Dramas, shouted, "DID YOU KICK DOWN THE DAMN DOOR **AGAIN** YOU PIECE OF SHIT?"

"YOU HEARD ME KICK IT DOWN, RIGHT? SO WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME?" He stormed over to the sofa, and threw himself on top of his mother.

And he hugged her.

She returned the hug. But she still yelled at him. "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?" He snatched the television remote from her and switched the channel to a news station. There, an anchor lady was reporting about the situation that happened at Disaster Land. The media called the attack: "the Plus Ultra Academy High School Disaster Land Incident", or "the UHD incident".

Angry Mom seethed with anger when she heard about what her son had just survived. "WHAT THE FUCK?!" She cuddled her child. He buried his head in her chest. They both trembled with rage.

Angry Mom was angry that, for the second fucking time, she couldn't do anything to protect her baby from a villain attack. Here she was, sitting around watching Geum Jan-di get bullied for being a poor girl attending a private school for rich kids, when her poor little boy was actually getting attacked by actual villains at his exclusive, highly-ranked, public high school. Angry Mom desperately wanted to punch something or someone in retaliation for causing her son so much anger. But who could she punch? Her son? No. That wouldn't help at all. So she held him tightly. "Stupid fucking Super Villain Club," she said, through gritted teeth.

As for Angry Boi, well, his emotions were not so straightforward. He felt a lot of pure, unbridled rage, certainly. But he also felt a ton of cold anger. Instead of goosebumps and shivers, however, the cold anger manifested as a chilly feeling inside his gut. He felt like his stomach was shrinking from cold, and that he might just throw up. But he didn't want to vomit all over his mom, so he held it in.

Moreover, he felt a new type of anger. He started to feel it after All American had saved him from being killed by Mutant Brain Henchman. The anger stemmed from feeling like he could have actually died that moment, in an instant. It stemmed from the realization that maybe he wasn't as strong as he thought himself to be. Maybe he wasn't invincible. Maybe he wasn't so fantastically gifted that he would automatically be the next top hero, and surpass All American himself.

It was the type of anger that smart kids feel when they completely fail their first test, or that gifted athletes feel when they lose their first match. It was the type of anger that beautiful people feel the first time they are called ugly, or that talented fanfiction writers feel the first time they get a negative review. Some people would call this feeling "humiliation". Other would call it "disappointment". Angry Boi called it Perfect Anger, because it was the type of anger that reminded him that he wasn't perfect. He still had a LONG way to go before he could even dream of reaching All American's power level.

He also felt a painful derivative of Perfect Anger. This new type of anger made him feel like he wanted to explode with rage, but he didn't have enough rage to explode. It made him feel like he wasn't powerful enough to protect himself. It made him feel… Weak? Pathetic? Small? Yeah. Small was the right word. This new anger, he called it Small Anger.

Just in case you're wondering, Explochan's encounter with Ooze Dude also made him feel all these emotions, but they were drowned out by insane amount of pure, high-quality, premium-grade rage in his heart. If you were to look at a pie chart of his emotions after the Ooze Dude Incident, it would have been 99.99 percent rage and .01 percent complex emotions.

Interestingly though, if anyone were to look at a pie chart of his emotions from the day he was born, up until the minute before the Ooze Dude attack, it would have been 100 percent rage.

And in this moment, cuddling with his mother on the sofa, Angry Boi realized that the day of the Ooze Dude attack really changed everything. That's the day he started _feeling_. As in, that's the day he started to even begin to feel something other than angry all the time.

Yeah. That was the day everything changed. Maybe that day had affected Explochan more than he realized. And maybe it affected Green Boi too, because after the attack, Green Boi decided to avoid him for the rest of the school year. Apparently Green Boi had spent all that time training Mutter Mutter until it evolved into Go Green Power Ranger. Was Green Boi inspired to get stronger because he wasn't able to save Explochan that day?

Angry Boi remembered what Greenie had said earlier this evening, _Explochan, if I think someone needs help, I'm gonna help them._

He remembered what Greenie had said during their Hero vs Villain Nuclear Bomb Training, _You can call me a Green Bean Bitch, but I'm not the same helpless, defenseless kid anymore!_

He remembered what Green Boi had said that one day they went to get ramen, _You don't wanna go to the same high school? I thought we were friends._

"Did he go to UH because of me?" Angry Boi mumbled.

"Hm?" His mother asked. She was stroking his hair with one hand, and holding him with the other. She had done the same thing the day of the Ooze Dude incident. She had held him and grumbled, "Stupid fucking Ooze Dude," all evening. Then she kept him awake all night because she kept peeking into his room to check on him.

"Who was talking to you?" Explochan retorted. He listened to the sound of her heartbeat. It was angry, yet somehow comforting.

She sighed. "Are you okay Angry Son?"

"Does it look like I'm okay?"

"No. You look like shit."

"Then you look like ass, Mom." He broke free of her grasp and stood up. "I'm gonna take a bath."

"Good. You smell like shit."

"And you smell like ass." He stormed to the bathroom.

Once he was gone, Angry Mom got on the phone and made a couple of calls. First was to her husband. "Hey Dumbass, come home right now."

"Why?" her husband asked. "I'm really busy at work. We need to finish the reports before tomorrow or Boss will be angry."

"You better bring your dumb ass home right now if you ever want me to eat it again."

"Okay. Okay. I'm coming."

Her next call was to her best friend. "Hey did you hear what happened?"

Green Mom, who had just finished a session of crying alongside her son, was still a little choked up when she answered, "Yeah. Precious Green told me everything and then we saw a report on the news and I'm freaking out because he got hurt and now I'm wondering if UH is a safe place for him to be. He's taking a bath right now."

"This whole situation pisses me off. So if you need someone to be pissed off with, I'm always here."

"Okay."

"And don't be stupid and start thinking everything won't be okay. Because everything will be okay. You know that right?"

"Yeah…" Green Mom sniffled again. "Thanks. I needed to hear that."

"Of course you did, you stupid bitch. Anyway, I'm gonna go check on Angry Boi. I'll talk to you later."

"Okay. Bye."

Angry Mom hung up and walked to the bathroom. She slightly opened the door and peeked inside. Explochan tossed a bar of soap at her, and shouted, "Back off Bitch!"

She threw the bar of soap back at him, shouting, "Don't forget to wash behind your ears, you piece of shit!"

…

About half an hour later, Not Angry Explodey Dad arrived home. He saw that the front door had been kicked down, and made a mental note to himself to fix that before he went to sleep tonight. He called out, "I'm home!" while stepping inside. The first person he saw was Angry Son lounging on the sofa.

"Oh look who decided to show his stupid fucking face around here!" shouted Angry Boi as he sat up and glared at his dad.

"I saw the news on the big screen billboard downtown while I was leaving work." The Not Angry Dad sat down beside his son. "Are you okay?"

"Why ask a question if you already know the answer, you idiot?"

"Because I don't know the answer." The man patted his son's head. "I don't know how you feel. I don't know if you're okay. I could probably guess, or make an assumption, but that's not as accurate as asking you."

Angry Boi retreated from his dad's comforting touch, saying, "Get your sweaty palms off me. I just took a bath."

"Sorry. I get extra sweaty when I'm nervous." He wiped his hands on a handkerchief that he always carried around. "And I'm nervous because the thought of something bad happening to you…" his voice went up an octave, and he choked up. He paused, closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and continued in his normal tone of voice. "Last year it was that slime bastard, and now it's this? How far has this world sunk that I can't even be sure you'll come home safely from school?" He grabbed his son around the shoulders and pulled him close. "I'm so glad you're okay Angry Son."

"Don't start crying you Sweaty Bastard." He leaned against his dad. "I'm fine."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"What's there to talk about?"

"Well first of all, what happened?"

"You saw the news."

"But the news people weren't there when it happened. You were. So tell me what happened, according to Angry Son."

With a sigh, Angry Boi explained his side of the story to his father. He told him about Mr. Warp Gate separating him and Spikey Red from the rest of the group, and how the two of them had to fight their way out of an ambush. He concluded with, "So then me and Crimson Fuckboi ran to this open field where All American was being pinned down by some sort of monster guy, and I smashed the fuck out of Smokey Bastard. Half-and-Half Boi arrived and froze the monster guy and All American got freed, and All American saved me from being smashed to bits by Monster Guy. Then All American and Monster Guy fought so hard that my eyes hurt from seeing how awesome it was. When All American won, the Hand Guy and Smokey Bastard were still trying to fight, so Green Boi jumped in to fight. I don't know why he thought he could do anything to help, but whatever. That's when the other teachers came and, Bam! Bam!" Explochan made his fingers like a gun. "Lit up Hand Guy. Then Smokey Bastard and Hand Guy warped away."

"…Shiiiiit…"

"Yup."

"The sheer amount of violence…"

"Meh, it only lasted 30 minutes."

"Wow…" Not Angry Dad smiled softly. "I'm proud of you. You were so heroic."

Explochan smiled softly as well. "Shut up."

"But I'm wondering if you were also scared?"

"Tch, I'm only capable of anger."

"If that's what you think, then why are you smiling? Looks like you're at least capable of happiness?"

Angry Boi elbowed his dad in the gut. "Happiness? No, this is Light Anger."

Not Angry Dad grabbed his gut and winced in pain. "Please don't do that again. I'm getting to old for that type of play."

"Stop complaining. I didn't even hit you that hard."

"Then I guess you're stronger than you think you are."

Explochan looked at his hands. "Probably. Yeah."

"You're very strong, Son. Both inside and out." He embraced Explochan again.

"Probably." Explochan returned the hug. "Yeah."

…

 **Author's Note:**

 **I heard on the radio that naming your anger helps you deal with it better. So maybe we can all take a lesson from Bomb Palms. The next time you get angry, try to name it. See where it's coming from, talk to a trusted person about it, and try to express it in a good way.**

 **And as always, THANK YOU ALL so much for reading HS+U! I hope you've had as much fun reading these past 25 chapters as I've had writing them. Season 1 is done, but let's charge right into season 2!**


	26. Class Shenanigans II

So the UHD incident happened on Friday. Over the weekend, Principal Kawaii took it upon himself to call all the parents of the students of class 1-A and tell them that UH and the police were working in tandem to ensure that no future attacks would happen.

"The safety of our students is our utmost concern," Principal Kawaii said over the phone to Angry Explodey Mom.

"Fuck off!" she yelled at him as she hung up the phone.

"Oh, well, huh, that's not what I expected." The principal laughed, and drew an asterisk next to Explochan's name on the class information roster. "Let's make a note about that."

Green Mom, on the other hand, was relieved to hear the Principal's assurance of safety. "I give you my word as principal that UH is still a safe and reliable school. Please put your faith in us."

"Okay," she said over the phone, as she peeked into Green Boi's bedroom. Precious Green was doing pushups in his room. She had been watching him for the last five minutes, and he had done about 500 of them. "He's gonna be really hungry after all this exercise," she mumbled to herself. "I'll make a large lunch."

…

When the students returned to class on Monday, there was an air of normalcy. The students sat in their seats, making cheerful classroom banter. Invisible Girl said, "Guys! We were on the news all weekend!" She clapped her hands. "Although nobody saw me…" She sighed. "That's the shitty part about being Always Invisible."

"Yeah that sucks," Electrodude replied. He leaned back in his chair. "But the rest of us, we're like celebrities now. Everyone's talking about how a class of freshman UH Hero Course students kicked ass and won against all odds."

Red Boi agreed. "Yeah, a couple kids in my neighborhood asked for my autograph."

Headphone Girl twisted one of her earjacks around her finger. "I think the news was more interested in the fact that UH got attacked, not on us specifically."

Duct Tape Dude laid his head on the desk. "I think the news is more interested in how the hell we survived the whole ordeal. And when I think about it, I wonder the same thing. Who knows what would have happened if All American and the rest of the teachers hadn't shown up."

Grape Baby shrieked, "Waaaah! Shut up! I'm gonna piss my pants if I think about it—"

"GROW A PAIR YOU TWO-FOOT-TALL LITTLE FUCKER!" Angry Boi roared.

Engine Legs charged to the front of the classroom and declared, "Actually, now is a great time to talk about it!" He stood at the podium and banged his hands on it. "Tits-chan and I have agreed that we should spend this time in homeroom class decompressing the emotional toll that the situation had on us."

Rich Tits nodded, stood up, and started passing out papers to each student in class. "Yes, Legs-kun and I have created a list of counseling resources available to UH students. As you know, hero-work is a stressful and mentally taxing job. It often involves making difficult choices. It often involves not being able to save everyone. And that can weigh heavily on a hero's soul, crushing their spirit and breaking them down. Even the top pro heroes have confidants and friends to counsel them through rough situations."

She handed one of the papers to Green Boi. The front side of the page was a worksheet that said:

 _This is merely a guide to help you process a lot of things. It is yours to keep, and you need not share it with anyone._

 _1._ _Describe your biggest fears as a hero. Please be as specific as possible._

 _2._ _Are these fears rational? If No, then why do you think you fear it? If Yes, then what are steps you can take to prevent these fears from coming true?_

 _3._ _Many of us wonder "what if?" or "what would have happened?" While that can be good in terms of growth, it can be dangerous in terms of feeling regret. Write one "what if this had happened" scenario and write one "what did happen" scenario. Explore the results of both. Is all well that ended well?_

On the back of the sheet was information on how to seek counseling and emotional support.

"Wow, you guys really worked hard to make this, huh?" asked Six Arms.

Tits-chan nodded. "Yes. We hope that you can take these papers home and, at your own convenience, fill them out. As for now, we'd like to have a class discussion, to clear the air about some of the things we're feeling. Who would like to start?"

Grape Baby raised his hand. "I was so scared!"

"So was everyone else," Sugar Daddy said, rolling his eyes.

"Speak for yourself," Explochan said, "I was angry."

Tits Girl took a piece of chalk and wrote the words, "scared" and "angry" on the chalkboard. She said, "Yes, fear is a natural human emotion, and it is nothing to be ashamed of. Fear is what we have developed over millennia of evolution, in order to prevent us from doing dumb things, or to protect us from dangerous situations. Being scared is natural. Acting in spite of that fear is what makes us heroes. And as far as I know, we all acted in spite of our fear. All of us are heroes."

Earphone Girl whispered, "I'm so glad Rich Girl is our Class Rep."

Laser Belly, who was back in class, and back with sass, said, "I felt powerful!"

Rich Tits wrote the world "powerful" on the board as she asked, "Why?"

"All my life, I have dreamt of being a hero so that I could sparkle in the limelight! But after fighting for my life in an isolated area, and getting no screen time at all for it, I realized that my priorities were not honey sweet at all. Once I released my need to be dazzling, I felt freed from the mental chains locking me into a one-dimensional character troupe." He stood up, twirled around and struck a pose. "I don't NEED to be flamboyant to gain attention. The truth is I gain attention because I AM flamboyant!" He raised his hands in the air. "This is who I am! I am vivacious and vicious! I am charming and alarming! I kill with my smile, and I kill with my bare hands! I'll be a hero that protects others, and sparkles while doing it!" A ray of sunshine and glittering bubbles twinkled behind him.

The class clapped for Honey Sweet Laser Belly. He bowed and took a seat. Rich Tits wrote buzzwords like "charming", "flamboyant" and "dazzling" on the board. "Anyone else have something to say?"

Blushy raised her hand. "This isn't really a feeling. It's a question." She turned to Green Boi. "Green Boi, what happened? How'd you break your legs?"

"Uh… hehehe…" He laughed nervously.

Rich Tits wrote "broken legs" on the board.

Blushy waited for an answer. Green Boi grew more and more awkward as the silence dragged on. Finally, he said, "I tried to use Go Green Power Ranger—that's what I call my quirk now— but it was too powerful for my legs and they broke."

Blushy sighed and shook her head. "Green Boi, you really need to learn to control your damn quirk!"

Froakie added, "He broke his fingers too because of it. Ribbit."

"Bean Child-kun, you really must learn to control your quirk," Rich Tits chided him as she wrote, "Bean Child needs to learn to control his quirk," on the board.

Green Boi shrunk in his seat and mumbled, "Oh no, I'm even getting reprimanded by Tits-chan…" He braced himself to be yelled at by Explochan too.

But Explodey Boi didn't yell this time.

Green Boi was sitting in front of him, so he turned around to see what Angry Boi was thinking. Angry Boi had his arms crossed in front of his chest and was pouting. When he noticed that Green Boi was staring, he growled, "WHAT?!"

Greenie freaked out and returned his gaze to the board.

Explochan frowned. Then he banged on his desk and roared, "You know what Miss Titties, I have something to say." He put his hands behind his head, leaned back in his chair, and kicked his feet up on the desk. "If any of you idiots had died that day, I'd be eating ass right now."

"What an asshole," retorted almost everyone in the class. Green Boi however, was happy to hear him say that. He was so happy that he started to cry while he attempted to translate, "No, guys, he means he's happy that everyone is okay."

"Why can't he say that like a normal person?" asked Duct Tape Guy.

Rich Tits wrote, "Explodey Boi needs better communication skills."

Pinky raised her hand next. "Guys I'm worried about Ninja Eyes-sensei. Is he gonna be okay?"

Tits-chan wrote, "Get well soon Ninja Eyes-sensei!" while Engine Legs explained, "He'll be out for a few weeks recovering, so in his stead, Principal Kawaii is gonna teach the class."

"And do we know if Astronaut Guy is okay?" Pinky further inquired.

"He should make a full recovery soon as well."

Rich Tits wrote, "Full recovery!"

"Good." Pinky sighed. "They tried their best to protect us. I'm so thankful we have teachers like them."

Rich Tits wrote, "Thanks to our brave teachers!" on the board.

And, as if on cue, the classroom door opened. In walked, none other than…

"Ninja Eyes-sensei!?" shouted Class 1-A.

"Yup, it's me you little shits," said the mummified teacher. "Good fucking morning."

Green Boi pointed out the obvious. "Sensei, you're wearing a cast on both arms and your face!"

"Oh really? Am I?" was Eyes-sensei's sarcastic reply.

"How'd you open the door?" asked Blushy.

"Why are you here?" asked Engine Legs. "You should be resting!"

"Meh," replied the teacher, walking toward the front of the class. "My wellbeing is irrelevant."

"No it's not!" shouted the entire class in unison.

"Please go home and rest right this instant," demanded Engine Legs. Rich Tits agreed, saying, "Sensei, you really took a beating. Even though you're a pro, you need time to heal."

Ninja Eyes scoffed. "As if I could even rest when I was so worried about all of you." He looked around. "Looks like everyone is here. One, two three, four… nineteen? Are we missing one? Shit! Who died!?"

Invisible Girl raised her hand. "Did you count me?"

"Oh, maybe not. My vision is a little blurry." He counted again. "Nineteen, twenty. Good. All are accounted for. Good." He turned around and looked at the chalkboard. "What's this?" He leaned closer to read the words. "Scared, angry, powerful, dazzling, Bean Child needs to learn to control his quirk, get well soon Ninja Eyes-sensei, full recovery. Did you write this about me? Aw, you kids might just make me get sentimental. Now everyone sit down. I have some news to tell you."

So Engine Legs and Rich Tits took their seats. Ninja Eyes stood at the podium and said, "So we're gonna have a sports festival."

"Sports festival?" murmured the class.

Spikey Red got excited. "Alright! It's time for the UH Sports Festival! Let's go kick some ass!"

But Zap Boi palmed Spikey's face and said, "Hold up, don't get too excited."

Headphone Girl asked, "Uh, don't you think it's too soon to have a sports festival?"

Martial Arts Kid nodded. "Yeah, the villains could launch an attack when we're all in the same place."

Ninja Eyes agreed. "Yes. And that's what I told Principal Kawaii. But he insists that holding the Sports Festival despite the recent attack will be a giant 'Fuck You' to the SVC. Besides, he noted that we killed half of their members, and the other half are either in the hospital or in jail. They are in no position to attack again, if we assume that they brought their entire club to attack All American at Disaster Land. In addition, Principal Kawaii is tripling the security force at the festival."

Green Boi muttered, "Yeah, that makes sense. Plus, their leader got shot up pretty bad. Unless they have a villain with a healing quirk he'll be out for months."

"And its unlikely that they have one," added Ninja Eyes, "because people with healing quirks are almost always scooped up into the medical profession. It's rare that they would stoop to villainy."

"Oops, did I mutter that out loud…?" Green Boi laughed awkwardly and scratched the back of his head.

"Yes you did. Anyway, I'm still against the idea of forcing you students to compete in a sports festival so soon after fighting for your lives. However, Principal Kawaii argued that, when you become pro heroes, you'll have to deal with that sort of mind-blowing trauma on the daily basis. Besides, a little bit of fun might help you guys overcome it. On top of that, the UH Sports Festival is a very important event. We can't let a villain attack scare us into ruining years of tradition. That's Principal Kawaii's rationale."

Grape Shit Baby raised his hand. "Uhh, fuck tradition. I don't want to get murdered."

"Then drop out of school!" said both Green Boi and Explochan at the same time. Green Boi continued, "I'm getting sick and tired of your whining. Don't you know the UH Sports Festival is the most watched sports competition in the world? It's pretty much comparable to the Olympic Games that were held back in the previous millennium."

(That's right, Hero School Plus Ultra is set in the future. It's 3019.)

Rich Tits explained, "Grape Baby-kun, the UH sports festival is something that people all over the world look forward to each year. It's also watched by the top hero agencies. This is where we'll get scouted for internship positions."

"Or where millions of people will watch us get murdered," grumbled Grape Baby.

Red Head further explained, "Don't be such a wuss Grape Baby. Don't you know that this is a chance to prove ourselves? Even if we do get attacked, it'll look so cool when we defeat our enemies! We'll totally get scouted."

"Uh, unless we die?"

"Well then I hope you fucking die," said Pink Alien Girl.

"Why is everyone so mean to me?" Grape Baby started to cry. "Aren't my fears legitimate?!"

Green Boi answered him, "Not if you want to be a hero! Heroes must be ready to risk their lives to save others! Heroes should be ready to die to protect others!"

Angry Boi leaned forward and hit Green Boi on top of his head so hard that his face smacked against his desk. "But heroes shouldn't charge into situations they know they can't handle!"

"Oh shit, that hurt!" whined Green Boi. "Owie!"

"Yay! Explochan agrees with me!" cheered Grape Baby.

"Who the fuck," Explochan began, sparking blasts on his palms, "told you that you could call me that?"

Grape Baby had to excuse himself from class because he pissed his pants.

Ninja Sensei chuckled and said, "You little shits sure know how to cheer me up. Work hard to get noticed during the Sports Festival. You only get one chance per year, and three chances during your high school career. Don't waste it."

"Right!" all the students said.

…

During lunch everyone was excited to talk about the Sports Festival.

"Arts Kid-kun!" Invisible Girl called out. "I need to find a way to get noticed!"

"Uh… but isn't your whole quirk like, the opposite of being noticed?"

"That's my problem! So what should I do?"

"Uh… wear a flashy costume?"

"But that ruins the point of my super power…"

"Um… I… uh… I don't know how to help you."

Birdy, Sugar Daddy, Duct Tape Boi and Spikey Red were standing nearby, and they overheard the conversation. Spikey Red said, "Hey Invisy, I have a question."

"What's up?"

"I don't mean this in a rude way at all, but how did you pass the entrance exam? You know, since you don't have an offensive quirk?"

"I got a ton of rescue points."

"Rescue points?"

"Yeah. That's the points you get from saving other examinees who are in trouble during the exam. Since I'm invisible, it was easy to avoid robot attacks, while I wandered around, scooping up people who were injured."

Duct Tape Dude shook his head. "What are you talking about? There was nothing about rescue points in the exam guidelines. I read the whole booklet."

"Oh, it's not in the exam booklet. It's sort of a hidden feature of the exam. That way, UH can accept a well-rounded balance of students, not just kids with the flashiest and most violent quirks."

Sugar Daddy was just as perplexed as Duct Tape Dude. He asked, "But… wait, they seriously have another point system built into the exam, and don't tell the students about it? Isn't that unfair?"

Invisible Girl shrugged. "I think it's okay. After all, if they told everyone that we need to save people during the exam, everyone would be trying to save everyone and it'd get hectic."

Birdy asked, "So then how did you know about this extra point system?"

"I spend a lot of time on Reddit and I found this one subreddit about giving advice to pass the UH entrance exam. A couple of people there were talking about how they got accepted because of rescue points. But I didn't see anything about rescue points in the exam booklet." She scratched the back of her head. "Honestly, it was kind of a risk on my part to believe people on the internet. But I did, and I got in. So I'm pretty sure there's rescue points as well as style points and robot villain points."

"Wow…" the boys all said in unison.

…

Meanwhile, Blushy, Glasses and Greenie were walking to the lunch room. The three of them were talking about the festival. Blushie was super pumped up. "Now's my chance to get noticed! I'm gonna sign with a good agency and make tons of cash! Then I'm gonna take care of my parents and everything is gonna be okay!"

Glasses Boi clapped for her. "Such a noble cause! I applaud you!"

"Thanks! I'm gonna work really hard to get scouted during the festival, since I need to make tons of money! I need fat stacks of cold hard cash!"

Green Boi laughed at her enthusiasm. "You're so excited Blushy! It makes me excited too!" Well, excited wasn't the proper word. He clenched his hand into a fist. He thought about how useless he was during the UHD incident. All he could do was buy two seconds for All American. He thought, _Everyone is gonna do their best during the sports festival. I have to do better than my best. I desperately need to get good._


	27. Mixed Messages

The world's quirkiest trio was walking down the stairs toward the lunchroom when Beef Bear Deluxe All American popped out of the shadows and boomed, "Precious Green Bean Child!"

"AAHHHH!" All three of them screamed. They assumed fighting stances. Then they realized that it was the Ultimate Hero who had snuck up on them. They exhaled and relaxed.

"Blonde Superman-sensei, you scared the shit out of us," said Blushy, grabbing at her chest.

Engine Legs agreed. "Please don't jump out of the shadows, Sensei. We are all a little bit on edge due to the UHD incident."

Green Boi said, "Being scared like that by my favorite hero is a dream come true." He clasped his hands on his face and whispered, "That's going in my fanfiction…"

"You write Blonde Superman fanfiction?" Blushy asked. "No way! Do you post on AO3? What's your username?"

"Oh shit! I said that aloud?"

All American clapped his hands. That startled the kids silent. He pointed to Precious Green and said, "Come with me. We need to talk."

"O-okay…" Green Boi blushed as he followed the teacher into the shadowy hallway.

Blushy's smile dropped. "Did… did that set off your stranger danger alarms?" she asked Engine Legs.

"No. Would you like me to reanalyze the situation and see if it does?"

"Yes."

Glasses Guy Engine Legs reanalyzed the scenario. "Nope. My data states that Blonde Superman is physically incapable of harming the innocent."

"Okay!" So the two went off to get lunch. "I wonder why he wanted to talk to Green Boi though."

…

Precious Green and All American (flaccid mode) were in his office. All American poured hot water over some tea leaves and handed a cup to Green Boi. "Thanks," he said, accepting it. He stared at the drink and noticed his own reflection in the tinted water.

"So, we have a couple of things to discuss," All American said as he poured himself some tea. "First of all, I'm losing my shit kid."

"Do you need to go to the bathroom?"

"No, no, not literally. I mean, figuratively. I'm losing my ability to hold my super-flex self together. I've got maybe an hour at a time, max."

"Only an hour?"

"Yup. I think I overexerted myself during the UHD incident. There's no way I can display that sort of strength ever again. You're watching the symbol of peace die right in front of your very eyes."

"Oh my god…" Green Boi started to cry.

"Calm down kid." He reached out to dry Green Boi's tears with the back of his hand. "I'm not actually dying. But the big, muscular beefcake version of me is. Eventually, I'm gonna be All American Blonde Slenderman. Then what? Then who's gonna be the symbol of peace? Whose very imagery shall strike fear into the hearts of those who dare think of doing evil? When villains don't fear the name of 'All American Blonde Superman' anymore, who will they fear?"

"Oh god, I don't know," Green Boi whimpered.

"Dammit! Green Boi! It's supposed to be you!"

"Me?"

"Yes! That's why I gave you Deus ex Machina! You're supposed to be the next symbol of peace!"

"How?! How the hell am I supposed to be the symbol of peace? I can't even smash a damn henchman!"

"Excuse me? What happened to the Green Boi that stole my heart that day last year? What happened to that boy who charged into danger to save his boyfriend, even though he had a useless quirk?"

"Hold up. Who the hell told you that Explochan was my boyfriend?"

"I assumed he was. Wasn't it an act of pure love when you saved him?"

Green Boi banged his hands on the table, almost spilling the tea. "He's not my boyfriend! We're just friends!"

"Oh Green Boi…" All American sighed. "It was a bad break up, huh?"

Green Boi banged his head on the table this time. "Why does everyone keep saying that?!"

"Look, Green Boi, if you want to talk, we can talk about it. I may not look like it, but I've broken a few hearts back in my day. But I'm straight, so I don't exactly know if my advice would apply to you—"

"Please, let's not talk about this." As interesting as it would be to learn about his god's past love life, Green Boi was way too embarrassed to keep conversing about this topic.

"It's okay Green Boi. I'll be your mentor in your hero journey, as well as your mentor in love. You see, when I met my master—the woman who gave Deus ex Machina to me—I fell madly in love with her. It was a one-sided crush until… well let's not get into that. The main thing I want to say to you is that, if it's true love, then you and Explodey Boi will find a way to overcome whatever argument that caused you to break up. Green Boi, I suggest that you take the initiative to show him how you really feel—"

"So, I'm gonna be the symbol of peace?" asked Green Boi, desperately trying to change the conversation. "Yup. I can do that. I'll learn to control Deus ex Machina. Then I'll do well in the sports festival. I'll make my 10th grade debut and become the number one draft pick for hero agencies." He stood up and bowed. "Thanks for the tea, All American." He ran out of the room.

"How adorable," All American said, smiling. "To be young and in love. Youth is such a wonderful thing."

…

The rest of the day went smoothly, but Green Boi was distracted by what All American had said. _I suggest you take the initiative to show him how you really feel…_

Green Boi laid his head on his desk, and looked up at the outline of Angry Boi sitting in front of him. He watched the slight movements of Angry Boi's upper back as he breathed. _What do I feel about him? We're just friends right? He treats me like shit and I just take it because that's the friendship dynamic our moms have. So why does everyone ship us together? I don't like him in a romantic way._ Green Boi closed his eyes. _Then why was I so happy when he hugged me like that last Friday? And why was I so upset that he argued with me? And…_ He buried his head in between his arms. _Why was I so hurt when he walked away from me?_ "Stupid fucking Explochan," he muttered.

"WHAT'D YOU SAY GREEN BOI?" roared Explochan, interrupting Tofu Block Man's lecture on Hero Battle Tactics.

Green Boi nonverbally chastised himself for letting his Mutter Mutter slip. "N-nothing!" Good thing he hadn't said any of the other stuff aloud.

…

At the end of the day, Blushy was ready to head the hell home, but the classroom door was blocked by a bunch of UH students. She stood, gaping at the sight of all these random nobodies. There was one guy standing in the front, barking at class 1-A, saying, "You guys think you're so great? Well fuck you!" He was That Boi Who Is Basically A Copy Of Rock Hard Boi. Let's call him Steel Dude.

"Uh... fuck you too?" replied Blushy. "Why are all of you here?"

"Because they're scouting out the competition, you Air Head Bitch," Explochan answered as he marched toward the door. He stood in front of the crowd of students who were gazing into class 1-A. He bucked up, and the onlookers backed up. "Take a good look you miserable fucks. At least now you know what a true pro looks like. Step aside."

A blue haired kid pushed aside all the extras and made his way to the front of the crowd. He locked eyes with Explodey Boi. "So, this is class 1-A? I heard you guys were impressive," he glared at Explochan "but you, specifically, you just sound like an ass."

"Keep flapping your lips and I'll make you eat mine."

"Hehe, so you've got jokes. Hopefully your combat skills are better than your wordplay. Anybody can use crude humor to make people laugh."

"You think I'm trying to be funny? Then I'll show you something so hilarious you'll shit yourself with laughter." Explodey Boi sparked a few explosions on his hands.

"Oh, violence! Yay, everyone loves flashy animated fights! Of course we need characters like you. You're the badass. You're the problematic fave. You're the tough guy with a soft heart. Everyone loves a shitty character that occasionally has a moment when he's not a piece of shit." Blue Haired Kid clapped his hands, applauding Boom Kid. "You'll definitely be a fangirl favorite. Hell, even the fanboys will love you. Everyone loves the asshole character. And let me guess, you've got a cinnamon roll as your boyfriend, huh?" Blue Haired Kid peeked further into the classroom. "Yup, I see him. The one with the green hair, right?"

Green Boi banged his head against the wall and whispered, "Why me?"

Explodey Boi growled. "If you've got shit to say, say it to me. Leave my Green Bean out of this."

Green Boi repeated, " _My_ Green Bean?"

Blue Haired Kid chuckled and sarcastically said, "That's so cute. I'm rooting for you two." Then he glanced at the other characters in class 1-A. "Meh, it's a pretty good selection this year. But I see a couple of losers I can displace."

"Displace?" Blushy repeated.

"Yup. The UH sports festival is sort of like a second-chance entrance exam. If students in the normal course, support item course, or management course outshine students in the hero course, the teachers can switch them out. Meaning, if I show out, I'll kick out one of you guys and take your slot in class 1-A." He smirked.

"Great." Explochan turned around and pointed to Green Boi. "Then that's your target right there. Kick that one out. And have fun doing it." And with that final statement, Explochan walked out of the classroom.

Everyone, both inside of class 1-A and outside of it, stared at Green Boi. Blushy said what all of them were thinking, "Ouch! What a shitty thing to say!"

Green Boi, wide eyed, was speechless. _Why would he say that?_ He thought. _Why would Explochan say that?_ _Why would he call me his Green Bean then tell that asshole to kick me out of Class 1-A? What the hell is he thinking?_ He really wanted to cry. But he bit his lower lip and blinked back the tears. He clenched his hands into fists. He trembled. _What the hell am I thinking?_ Green Boi started to walk out the door.

"Green Boi?" Blushy called out, grabbing his shoulder.

"I'm fine!" he said, forcing a smile. "Excuse me." He made his way out of the room, and into the hallway. He kept his head down as he wondered, _Maybe he's teasing me because he found out that I write slash fic. Is that it? Yeah. He can't have feelings for me. I don't know why everyone thinks he does. I guess everyone is just stupid. It's so obvious that Explochan hates me…_ _But then why would he wait for me? All those times, he waited for me at Nurse Kisses' office. He wouldn't do that if he hated me. But just now, he told that weird kid to take my slot in class 1-A. Why?_

Green Boi found himself crying. _I really don't understand! Does he hate me or not? Sometimes he acts like he does but then sometimes he acts like he doesn't. Am I the one who keeps misunderstanding his actions? Or is he playing games with my heart? Is he doing this on purpose? Is it fun for him to hurt me like this? Well I can't stand it anymore! I don't care if he punches me, or kicks me, or burns me up. At least that makes sense! But this, this doesn't make sense. And I can't stand it. I really can't stand it…_ Green Boi sniffled and wiped his face with the sleeve of his jacket. "Stupid fucking Explochan…"

…

Green Boi took out his frustration by going back to Trash Beach. He gritted his teeth as he sprinted full-speed down the sandy beach. He was dripping in sweat. He was out of breath and his heart was racing. It felt good to be too distracted to think about Explochan. As he kept running, his mind cleared up. Rather than focusing on his shitty best friend(?), Green Boi decided to invest all his energy into becoming the Symbol of Peace in All American's stead. After all, soon he would have to fight, once again, to keep his spot in the UH Hero Course.


	28. Kink? Shame!

The students of Class 1-A were in the middle of the two-week training period before the Sports Festival. This afternoon, they were scheduled to do quirk exercises with Speaker Man and All American. But first, they had to finish their morning classes. And this morning, the students were scheduled to receive a very special lecture from a very special teacher.

"I'm Sensual Sadist Woman," the R-Rated Hero introduced herself. "I am the queen of fan service, and I live for the thrill of scandalous behavior."

Green Boi started rocking back and forth in his chair. "I can't believe it's really her! She's the hero who gets arrested after she saves the day, because she brakes public decency laws!"

"I see I have a fan." She clapped her hands in excitement. "Yes, I've gotten in trouble on many occasions for being inappropriately dressed, or downright naked. But I don't think nudity should be an offense punishable by law."

Red Head nodded in agreement while Rich Tits said, "Yes, sensei, the human body is a work of art."

"Exactly." The teacher sat on her teacher desk, much to Engine Leg's chagrin. "You see, my quirk is called Sensuality Must. My skin emits a gas that has varying properties depending on my mood. If I'm feeling sexual, which is 90 percent of the time, then it puts the victim to sleep. If I'm angry, it becomes poisonous and immediately kills the victim. If I'm slightly hungry, it puts the victim under my mind control. Blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda. You students understand, right?"

Green Boi was taking notes in his Hero Notebook. He raised his hand and asked an oddly specific question, "Sensei, what happens if you're feeling slightly embarrassed? Not enough to make you blush, but enough to make you laugh awkwardly?"

"It makes my victim extremely horny."

"Horny," he scribbled down. Of course that was going in his fanfiction. "Thank you."

"No problem. Now where was I? Oh yes, I'm here to teach you Sex Ed."

"Yes!" cheered you-know-who.

"Shut the hell up you grape-flavored fuck," roared Angry Boi, "or I'll teach you some Sex Ed you'll never forget."

"D-d-did he just threaten to assault me? So he can say something like that, but the fandom hates me for being the pervert character?"

"Can we stop giving it lines?" begged Alien Queen. "Please? It literally hurts my ears when it speaks. I actually want to die."

Blushie offered an explanation to Most Hated Grape Trash Kid. She said, "Explodey Boi is the problematic fave with a huge redemption arc. You're unredemptable."

"Irredeemable," corrected Glasses Guy.

Sadist Woman banged on the desk, "Bring the attention back to me! So, as young teenagers, all of you are about to start puberty, right?"

Duct Tape Guy raised his hand, "Actually Sadist-sensei, most of us are done or almost done with puberty."

"Yeah, what fifteen-year-old hasn't even started puberty?" asked Pikachu dude. "Isn't that a medical condition or something?"

Sadist Woman banged on the desk again. "Shut up! I know what I'm talking about." She grabbed her teacher-version textbook and flipped to the chapter she was supposed to be teaching. The first few sentences said: _For most children, puberty typically begins around the ages of 11 to 13 years old. It is a process that spans the course of several years, as secondary sex characteristics begin to develop._

She closed the book. "You know what, let's not go by the book. Let's, uh, let's talk about the real stuff. The real, nitty gritty things that a book won't teach you."

Glasses Guy raised his hand. "I don't approve of this!"

"Overruled!" Sadist Woman turned around and scribbled something on the chalkboard. "What is sexuality?" she asked, pointing to the giant word she wrote on the board.

Grape Baby raised his hand. "It's beautiful."

"Yes! Yes it is! It is something magical, yet society looks down upon it as taboo. In reality, sex is a natural thing. It's only natural that we talk about it. Just like we know everybody poops, we should know that everyone has their own kinks. Therefore, today, we're going to talk about our kinks!"

Prince Zuko stood up at his desk. "Alright guys, just follow me to the next chapter."

…

 **Author's Note:**

 **Now is your chance to follow The Prince to the next chapter.**

…

"SIT DOWN!" demanded the Sensual Lady. With a sigh, the Half White Prince sat down.

Glasses Guy said, "This is inappropriate! We are all fifteen years old! Should you be talking about kinks with minors?"

"I'll go first," said Sensual Sadist Woman, completely ignoring him.

Green Boi clasped his hands and prayed, "Please don't write something to ruin this fanfiction. You're doing so good. Why are you going down this road?"

"I like bondage and sadism," said Sadist Woman. "Chains and ropes and whips. Punishment. Domination. People think it's weird that I like that sort of stuff, but I think it's even weirder for me to be a character in a shonen anime that is meant for kids around your age, maybe even younger."

Diaper Baby came to her defense, "Well you don't do anything that's R-rated, so I don't think there's anything wrong with your character! Besides, with the advent of the internet, the prevalence of internet-capable devices, and the rapid spread of NSFW content, kids nowadays have access to much worse stuff!"

Everyone banged their heads against their desks. Even the teacher. She said, "This is satire! We're all poking fun at the anime! It should be understood that we love the anime, we recognize its great achievements, and we are being **hilariously overdramatic** about its shortcomings. I'm **_not_** really hating on myself, and I'm **_not_** talking about my character in the larger context of the widespread availability of porn on the internet."

"Either way," continued Grape Baby, "I don't see anything wrong in putting a pervert character in an anime. It's supposed to be funny. I'm a funny character!"

"It's always about you, isn't it?" harshly retorted Sadist Lady.

Alien Queen begged, "Someone please kill it."

Spikey Red Head Dude leaned over to whisper to Half White Prince Zuko, "I'm confused. Are we making fun of the Grape or are we making fun of Sadist Woman?"

"We're making no damn sense," Prince Zuko answered.

Amidst the chaos, Green Boi still prayed, "May the readers forgive us for this sin of a chapter. In the name of the fanfic, the fanart, and the holy meme ghost, amen." He dabbed.

"Next person! Next person share their kink!" demanded Sadist Woman. "Come on, don't be shy. And make it funny."

No one raised their hand.

"Not even you Most Hated Grape Baby?"

"I was trying to not make it all about me," he graped.

"Fine. I'll look at the class roster and call on a random student." She picked up a clipboard that held a paper listing the names of the students in class. "Um, who's Duct Tape Guy?"

Duct Tape Guy groaned. "Do I really have to do this?"

She nodded.

"I don't really have a kink, though. We don't know enough about my character to give me a kink."

"Just say something funny then."

"Okay. Uh… what would be funny? Um… I like to watch people get waxed?"

"Waxed?"

"Because waxing involves sticking paper on someone and then pulling it off to remove the hair. Kind of like tape? And I'm Duct Tape Guy?"

"Um, that's a stretch, but good try." She looked on the roster. "Okay, Six Arms?"

"Dammit," replied Six Arms. "I want screen time, but not like this."

"Just say your kink!"

"Um, I dunno… People with multiple arms?"

"Nope." Sensual Lady shook her head. "Nope, nope, nope. None of you are taking this seriously! Who's next? Okay, Martial Arts Kid?"

He cringed. He looked around, as if expecting his classmates to give him a suggestion. When no one came to his rescue, he said, "Uh… Geez, um… martial arts girls?"

"Ugh. Okay, next is, Everyone's Favorite Frog Girl?"

"Yes?"

"Your kink?"

She shrugged. She simply didn't answer. I guess we'll never know.

Sadist Woman frowned. "So you're not even gonna try? Wow. Next is, Sugar Daddy?"

"Cake."

"Cake?" She raised her eyebrows, hoping that he'd explain the innuendo.

"Yeah. I like to bake pastries."

"Oh, you literally meant cake. Like the baked good." The Disappointed Sadist sighed. "Invisible Girl?"

She replied, "I'm gonna go for the obvious and say yaoi."

"Meh. Next is, Half White Prince Zuko."

The Prince didn't have time for all these stupid games. So he leaned forward, and looked her dead in the eyes.

He didn't waver.

He didn't stutter.

He didn't even blush.

He was serious.

"Oedipus Complex."

Sadist Lady's eyes widened. "Hmph!" She staggered backward, and placed a hand on the desk to steady herself from that blow. "Okay! Wow. I wasn't prepared for that one. Wow…" She took a minute to gather herself. She mouthed the words, "Oedipus complex," and shook her head in disbelief. "Okay. Well, I appreciate your honesty. Okay, next is, uh, Angry Explodey Boi."

"Eat my ass," he yelled at her.

"Interesting. Precious Green Bean Child?"

Green Bean panicked. "Uh, um, uh…"

"Well?"

"Um… uh…" he twiddled his thumbs and looked away.

"COME ON! SAY YOUR KINK!"

"Uuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh?"

"SAY IT!"

"All American Blonde Super Daddy!"

Sadist Woman grinned from ear to ear. "All American Blonde Super **_Daddy_**?"

Green Bean had the opposite reaction. He covered his face and started crying.

Red Head came to his rescue, saying, "Hey, Greenie, it's okay! Who isn't attracted to All American Blonde Superman?"

Blushy added, "And you're not as bad as me! I'm into furries! Specifically, Pokémon!"

"Same!" piped in +Anima.

"I'm into werewolves," Pinky said. "That's kinda like furries."

Bird Guy said, "I'm even worse. I get excited about birds."

"And I'm into preppy girls," Plug-It-In Girl said, glancing at Rich Tits.

Engine Legs adjusted his glasses, and shamefully admitted, "My calves get extra tense when I see a cyborg girl."

Honey Sweet Laser Belly winked, and proudly admitted, "I love looking at myself. It's a curse to be so beautiful."

"I'm into Rich Tits," said Pikachu Dude.

"Why thank you," she replied.

Grape Baby said, "I'm into hardcore les—"

"STOP!" Sadist Woman yelled. "You know what, I've taken this too far. I didn't mean to make anyone cry. I'm sorry guys. I'm so sorry. Just open your textbooks and read about the menstrual cycle or something." She rubbed her face in frustration and walked out the door.

All was quiet, save for the sound of Green Boi's weeping.

After a few minutes, he calmed down.

Then Rich Tits asked, "Guys, what is a kink?"

Bless her heart.

…

 **Author's Note: Forgive me for this sin of a chapter. I've warned you before that I have a vile sense of humor.**


	29. The Prince's Debut

To say everyone trained hard in the two weeks before the Sports Festival would be an understatement. But since I don't want to bore anyone with yet another training montage, let's just skip to the day of the Festival.

…

Green Mom was fussing over her child, of course. "Precious, please be careful and don't get hurt," she begged.

"Duh, Mom, of course I'll be careful." He was sitting down, putting on his favorite pair of red shoes.

"I mean it! These UH Sport Festivals are worse than the Hunger Games. They pit you kids against each other and make you beat each other up for our entertainment. Last year some kid got hurt so bad he had to drop out of the hero course. Remember that? It was all over the news."

"Mom, I'll be fine."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

"Okay…" She still fidgeted. "I-I believe in you Precious Green."

He could see that she was forcing herself to say that. "Mom, I'll be fine!" he insisted. "It's not like I'm gonna hurt myself so bad that I cause irreparable damage. It's just a sports festival."

She exhaled with relief. "You're right. I'm sorry." She ruffled his hair. "You know me. I aced Overly Protective Mom 101."

Green Boi hugged her. "And I'm gonna ace Being a Good Boi 101. I'll see you later Mom. Bye!" He waved goodbye as he ran out of the apartment. Green Mom waved goodbye. But her mom senses were tingling. She didn't know what, but she knew something bad was going to happen today. She clasped her hands, looked upward, and prayed, "Oh please let my child be okay. In the name of the fanfic, the fanart, and the holy meme ghost, amen." She dabbed.

…

UH was abuzz with spectators, news crews, and pro heroes. The UH Stadium (apparently this school can afford to build its own stadium) was filled to the brim with people cheering for these high schoolers. Call UH whatever you want, but that school really did know how to put on a huge sporting event.

Once they finished recording their stretching sessions for the season two opening theme song, Class 1-A waited in their waiting room, making polite chatter. Some students, like +Anima and Sugar Daddy, were a little bit nervous. Others, like Pinky and Spikey Red, were thrilled. And others, like Birdy and Six Arms, were calm.

Green Boi was extremely uneasy, since he still didn't have a good grip on Deus ex Machina. He had decided he would only use it as a last resort option. _After all,_ he thought, _I could prove to myself and to All American that I don't need a flashy superpower to be a top hero… or who am I kidding? Uggghhhhhhh…_

When Glasses Guy burst into the waiting room and said, "Alright guys, get your game faces on!" Green Boi gulped and patted himself on the cheeks. _Come on Green Boi. Now is not the time to panic. Focus. You've been training. You can do this._

Just when he got his mind right, Half White Prince Zuko approached him. "Bean Child," the elegant prince called out.

"Hm? Oh, um, hey Prince Zuko." This was sudden, weird and unexpected, as Prince Zuko rarely spoke to anyone in class. In fact, he had pretty much been a seat filler this whole time. So this strangely timed interaction caught the attention of everyone in class, especially Explodey Boi.

Prince Zuko got straight to the point, "You're pathetic. You know that right?"

Green Boi didn't need to hear this right now. And frankly he should have ignored Prince Zuko. But he couldn't. He felt this intense pressure, a sort of quietly powerful aura radiating from The Prince. Prince Zuko's mere presence emanated more authority than Engine Legs could ever dream of having. The Precious Bean couldn't walk away. He was caught in Prince Zuko's grasp. Green Boi lowered his head. He couldn't bear to look into the eyes of his Prince. He replied, "Y-yeah."

"You know that I'm stronger than you."

"Y-yeah."

"So why does All American favor you as his student?"

Although it was true that All American had been playing favorites during the two weeks of training, Green Boi really wished that Prince Zuko wasn't asking about it right now. The stupid fucking Sports Festival was happening in like two minutes. Why was right now the best time to be jealous of the teacher's pet? _Is this some sort of mind game? What the hell is going on?_ Green Boi wondered. Yet he couldn't bring himself to speak. The Prince's royal presence was too much to bear.

"Hm. Anyway, I don't care why All American favors you. Just know that I will beat you."

Green Boi gritted his teeth. He wanted to tell the Half Prince to go royally fuck off. So he forced himself to look up into the Prince's eyes. He gazed at the burn scar on Zuko's left (I'm pretty sure it's the left?) half of his face. The eye on that side was icy blue. Whether that was because of his quirk, or a remnant of burn damage, Green Boi didn't know. All he knew is that he regretted looking into those intense, damaged eyes.

They weren't damaged as in physically damaged. All it took was one glance into those eyes, and Green Boi could tell that Prince Zuko was an emotionally damaged boi. Something had broken him so deeply that there was nothing left in his eyes but pure rage.

And not Explochan's type of rage. It wasn't Explochan's type of rage at all. Half Prince's rage had substance to it. It wasn't just a shitty personality. It was trauma. Green Boi could tell from one long look into the Prince's bitter eyes that this boi was an empty shell of a human being, fueled only by deeply-rooted hatred.

Green Boi froze. He felt like he was actually covered in ice. He felt the hair on his arms rise. His body started to shiver. He could have sworn that he could see his breath. Those eyes were so broken. They were so cold. He wanted to cry. Tears started to well up. Green Bean wished he could say something. Anything. But he couldn't. He just squeaked like a little mouse.

Fortunately, Red Head Dude came to his rescue. "Back up Prince Zuko," He placed a hand on the Prince's shoulder. "You had two whole weeks of training to be a dick to Green Boi. Don't do it the day of the Sports Festival."

Prince Zuko shrugged off Red Boi's hand. "Don't touch me heathen."

"Heathen? Did you seriously just call me a heathen?"

The Prince turned around and began to walk away. That's when Green Boi spoke up. He said, "Hey, um, Prince Zuko, I don't really understand what's going on in your head right now. I don't know if you're trying to psyche me out. But, like, of course I know you're better than me. Of course I know that you're probably the most talented student in this class—no, the whole hero course. I've seen you on the practice field. I've seen what you can do. Your quirk is amazing. There's no doubt about that."

Red Boi interrupted, "Hey, no need to kiss his ass Green Boi—"

"I'm not kissing his ass. I'm just saying the truth. You're talented Prince Zuko. But what does that even mean if you don't have any heart? Talent without passion is as useless as a notebook without a pen or pencil. There's so much possibility, but there's no way to access it. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, Prince Zuko, I don't care if you think you're gonna beat me. I'm aiming for that number one slot. And I'm ready to fight for it."

"Very well then," retorted the Prince as he walked away.

While the rest of the class marveled at Green Boi's speech, Green Boi marveled at the Prince. Green Boi was blushing, and he placed his hands over his heart.

Explochan noticed. He growled and furrowed his eyebrows.


	30. Some Sexy Surprises

Ninja Eyes knew several types of torture. He knew the technique of slowly cutting a victim thousands of times with a sharp piece of paper, causing micro-pain that eventually grew into a sharp, searing sting, which eventually became torturous agony. It may sound dumb initially, but death by papercut is one of the worst ways to go.

Ninja Eyes also knew the ancient technique of stomping a guy in the nuts (bollocks). He had never needed to use such a drastic and vicious torture method, and often prayed to the fanfiction goddess that he never would.

So Ninja Eyes knew plenty about torture.

But what he was suffering now, this was new. This was unbelievable. This was cruel and inhumane.

He was being forced to co-host the damn Sports Festival (which he objected to in the first place) alongside—you guessed it— Speaker Man. "Rock and Roll Mutherfuckers!" said the douchiest man alive, into the microphone, on live television, being broadcast worldwide.

Both of them were in an announcing booth at the top of the stadium. Of course Ninja Eyes was still in his double-arm cast and face bandages. He had initially planned to stay at home and rest while watching the festival on TV. But, nope, Principal Kawaii insisted (it was more like coerced) Ninja Eyes to be an announcer. "After all," the Cute Kuma had said, "if you're healthy enough to insist on teaching your class, then you're healthy enough to be an announcer. Otherwise, you can take as much time as you need to heal, because you won't have a job at UH."

Although Ninja Eyes complained a lot, he actually loved his job as a teacher. So here he was, sitting next to a guy he so desperately wanted to punch in the face. If Nurse Kisses hadn't made the cast so secure, Ninja Eyes would have gladly broken his arms again to get one or two good hits in on Speaker Man.

This torture couldn't be good for Ninja-sensei's blood pressure. He was seething in rage. He actually felt quite a bit of empathy for Explodey Boi. Of course that kid was unstable! How could anyone hold back this much anger without exploding? While Speaker Man introduced the classes walking onto the field, Ninja Eyes wondered whether it would be too detrimental to his health to headbutt his co-host.

Speaker Man was introducing Class 1-A by saying, "This first group is no stranger to the spotlight! You know these kids because they survived a massive villain attack! They went through a near-death experience, but don't give a fuck! Let me introduce you to this badass bunch! These hardcore high-schoolers! These gangstar tenth-graders! Introducing the one, the only, UH Hero Course Class 1-A!"

Ninja Eyes was so irritated that he started crying tears of anger. He didn't know that he could be this angry. He was angered not only by Speaker Man's annoying existence, but by the fact that he couldn't hit him. Speaker Man was less than an arm's length away, but Ninja-sensei couldn't hit him. That's all Ninja Eyes had been dreaming of while he recovered in the hospital. He wanted so badly to beat the fuck out of Speaker Man.

As soon as these casts came off, Ninja Eyes would whack Speaker Man real good…

…

As for first-year students of UH, all of them were gathered on the stadium lawn. They were facing a podium where Sensual Seduction Lady was standing and waving around a sex toy, saying, "Let's get these games started!"

"What the hell is she holding?" everyone asked.

Not only was she swinging around a dilly-doo, but she was dressed like she was gonna go straight to a hentai manga once she was done with her commitment here. "First of all," she said, "we'll have a word of encouragement from the top ranking first-year student of the UH Hero Course, Angry Explodey Boi. Please come up to the stage."

Everyone in Class 1-A knew that Explodey Boi was gonna say something offensive. Ninja Eyes knew that Explodey Boi was gonna say something offensive. Blonde Superman knew that Explodey Boi was gonna say something offensive. Even Explodey Boi knew that Explodey Boi was gonna say something offensive. So they all wondered who the hell decided to let Explodey Boi give the opening encouraging statement.

It was Principal Kawaii. He had heard about Explodey Boi's unbelievable anger issues from not only Ninja Eyes, but from both Blonde Superman and Nurse Kisses as well. And after the earlier conversation with Explodochan's mom, the principal was certain that this kid was exactly who UH needed to make a grand statement. Principal Kawaii was sitting in the Faculty VIP section of the stadium, and he watched Explochan take the stage.

Explodey Boi nonchalantly stood in front of the mic, and said, "I just wanna say…"

His classmates tensed.

His teachers tensed.

"I'm gonna win. You guys can only defeat me in your wet dreams. Anyone who thinks they can defeat me can eat my ass."

That was both the best thing he could have said, and the worst thing he could have said. It was the worst, because it made him seem like an arrogant asshole to his fellow UH students. A chorus of "boo" erupted from them, and Engine Legs proceeded to rebuke Explochan. "Why would you be so disrespectful?! You're representing us all!"

"Meh, it's not my fault that the rest of you losers are just stepping stones to my victory." He walked down the stage steps and returned to the lawn, purposely bumping his shoulders against Green Boi along the way.

Principal Kawaii thought it was a marvelous thing to say, because, if the Super Villain Club was watching, Explochan had basically just told them to eat his ass. The principal applauded the rude little bomb blonde. "That's what the SVC needs to think all UH students are like."

…

Next, Sensual Sadist Woman announced the rules of the Sports Festival. "Listen up everyone! This is an all-or-nothing free-for-all. Use your superpowers at will, and fight your way to the top." She threw her inappropriate object into the air and caught it. "The first game will be an obstacle course." She turned around and pointed that thing at a holographic screen behind her. "You students will be doing a 4 km obstacle course race around the stadium. Expect some sexy surprises!" Then she pointed to the giant doors in front of her. "Everyone head to the doors to get ready!"

"Sexy surprises?" Green Boi muttered as he gathered around beside his fellow underclassmen. "I love Sadist Lady, but I wish she'd be more specific."

"Alright kiddies, on your mark, get set, go!" she pressed a button on her dilly-doo and it opened the front gate to the stadium.

"It's a remote control?!" all of the students shouted. Nonetheless they all charged into the open gate at once.

Green Boi was about to make that same mistake, but then he realized that there were probably about two hundred students, and although the gate was tall, it was narrow. "All these idiots are gonna get clogged in there," he realized. "And someone's gonna get trampled." His hesitation caused Half White Prince Zuko, who was standing near him, to hesitate as well. And once The Prince saw the congestion at the front gate, he decided to royally sabotage all of the other students. With a flick of his wrist, Half White froze the entire doorway, sticking almost everyone to the ground. He was merciful, though, and used a form of ice that would melt in about ten minutes. It wouldn't cause permanent harm to his fellow freshmen.

Eighty percent of the extras got caught in this trap. That means most of the freshman class didn't even get out of the doorway. Yet, because they're important, everyone in Class 1-A miraculously avoided the ice trap, and made it out of the gate.

"Good thinking, Prince Zuko-kun!" said Rich Tits as she created a metal pole to pole vault over the heads of the frozen students.

"Oh, I guess I didn't get everyone," Ice Zuko said to himself. He hadn't intended to spare his own classmates. And Grape Baby noticed that. That's why he was chasing after the Prince. Grape Baby moved quickly, like a cute little acrobat, jumping in the air, and throwing his grape blorbs down, using them as mini trampolines to launch himself into the air when he stepped on them.

Froakie, who sees the good in everyone, said to herself, "Ribbit, that's actually a cool way to use his power. No pun intended. He'd be such a great character if only he didn't constantly perv on me and everyone else all the time."

Grape Baby shrieked at Half Prince, "You bastard! You tried to freeze me in place, so now I'm gonna stick you down with my squishy balls!"

The Prince didn't pay Purple Boi any attention, because he had noticed from his peripheral vision that something was popping up out of the forested area around them. And that something was a giant robot. A giant robot that bashed Grape Baby in the face so hard, that if he didn't have his grape balls for shock absorption, it probably would have put him in the hospital for the rest of the sports festival.

"Oh fuck!" Green Boi said as he and all the other contestants stopped running. They were face-to-face with the first of many sexy surprises for the obstacle course. It was a horde of the giant zero-point villains from the entrance exam.

And, like canon, Rich Tits asked, "Where does the school even get the funding for these things?"

"The sports festival," said Principal Kawaii to All American Blonde Superman, who had just posed the same question. The two were watching the events from the Faculty VIP Lounge. "The revenue we rack up from selling tickets, concessions and merchandise, as well as paid advertisements— not to mention the illicit gambling and the bribes, is a massive chunk of our yearly income." He laughed his cute little demonic laugh. "For instance, the Tits Family paid the school 100 million yen to ensure that Little Miss Tits makes it to the top bracket of the final tournament round."

"That's 1 million American bucks!" exclaimed All American.

"Yes. That's pocket change to her family. But don't tell her, of course. She has no idea of the dirty deeds of her family. So, All American, you must understand that the money is the real reason why we can't cancel the sports festival."

All American was at a loss for words.

"That being said, we can't let the masses know about our more 'creative' funding endeavors. I only tell you because I'll need you to go collect money from people who don't want to pay up after they lose their bets."

All American was still at a loss for words.

"Now, you must be thinking, 'I want no part of this! The symbol of peace must never stoop down to such a level!' Hahaha. Well you have no choice. After all, that battle that you fought against Mutant Brain Henchman in Disaster Land, the one where you destroyed the ground and put a hole in the roof, well, it was pretty destructive. And unfortunately, our insurance policy doesn't cover repairs to the facility caused by over-the-top dramatic battle scenes. That was an oversight on my part, I admit. I should have been more careful when selecting an insurance policy. But what's done is done. So, All American, tell me… how the hell can we afford to repair Disaster Land without the money we make from the Sports Festival? How the hell am I supposed to pay Ninja Eyes and Astronaut Guy's hospital bills? How am I supposed to pay all these security guards? How I am supposed to rebuild all those practice cities for next year's entrance exams? Hmm? HHMMMM?"

All American sighed.

…

Going back to Green Boi and friends, they were being stared down by a bunch of giant zero-point faux-villain robots from the entrance examinations. Rich Tits, who got into the school because her parents bribed Principal Kawaii, had never taken the entrance exam. When she overheard her fellow Hero Course students complaining about how UH recycled the entrance exam robots for the Sports Festival, she was actually quite mortified that aspiring students had to fight these things before getting accepted into UH.

Icy Hot Zuko, who also got into the school via bribery, and was fully aware of it, scoffed at this pathetic little obstacle. With a powerful swat of his hand, he summoned glaciers that froze the enemies. Then he ran in between the robots. But since The Ice Prince is a Cold Bastard, he purposely froze the robots when they were off balance, so that they would fall, shatter, and create a cloud of dust and debris. But because he's not a crazy bitch, he made sure the that force of his earlier attack caused the robots to fall backwards, and not crush any of his fellow students.

Watching from their spot in the announcement booth, Speaker Man and Ninja Eyes started to give their commentary. Ninja Eyes said, "Just as I expect from one of my top students. His attack was both offensive and defensive—"

But Speaker Man spoke over him, shouting, "WHAT A DEVASTATING BLOW! I'd expect nothing less from the son of the Number 2 Hero, Abusive Fire Daddy! No wonder that kid got accepted into the school on recommendations! He's so punk rock! Half White Prince Zuko is charging ahead of the pack! I doubt anyone can beat him now! I don't know whether to say the kid's on fire, or that he's knocked his competition out cold!"

Ninja Eyes really wanted to whack Speaker Man real good. He just wanted to give him a good wallop. But patience is key. Patience is key…

…

Ice Prince made the robots fall AWAY from the students, because he didn't want to murder them. Unfortunately, but also fortunately, for some reason, the only two students in the path of the robots' fall were Rock Hard Boi, and Steel Dude. The robots fell right on top of them. But they emerged from the rubble at the same time and both of them shouted, "If I wasn't so hard right now, that would have killed me!"

Then they looked at each other. Upon realizing they basically had the same quirk, they both instantly felt a deep, intense bond. It was sort of like love, but not actually love. With just a simple glance, they knew they were meant for each other. They knew that it was fated for them to be best bros in a way that only people with the same quirk could be best bros. Hand-in-hand, they ran past the rest of the robot villains together.

That being said, yes, there were more robots arriving to the scene to cause trouble for the rest of the contestants. But these were the smaller, three-, two-, and one-pointers that were much easier to beat. Bomb Boi, after temporarily being too shocked by Ice Prince's massive display of ice power, realized that if he didn't move, he'd lose to that Cold Bastard. So he exploded his way into the air like an angry rocket, and leapt over the robot obstacles. Duct Tape Dude, who is basically the duct tape version of Spiderman, used his tape to swing over some of the robots. Little Peepers emerged from Birdy's belly did the same thing. Rich Tits titted up a cannon and started blasting robots. Static Shock shocked them. Headphone Girl turned the volume too high on some of them. Glasses Boi was kicking them. Martial Arts Kid smacked the fuck out of them with his thick, muscular tail.

So yeah, Class 1-A was doing pretty good.

Well, except Blushy. Seeing those robots made her have a flashback to the entrance exam. She remembered how chaotic and stressful it was. She remembered all the yelling and screaming and running and panic. She looked at all the students around her. She clenched her hands into fists. How could she fight these robots without hurting anyone? She thought, _I can't do this._ She looked downward, wide-eyed, as the video of the death of that one kid replayed in her mind.

Then there was a tap on her shoulder. It came from Green Boi. He had picked up a metal sheet from part of a destroyed robot, and was lugging it around. "Blushy? You good?" he asked her.

"Huh? Oh, yeah."

"Come on, let's go." He smiled at her.

Blushy felt the weight of the world lift off her shoulders. Green Boi's smile made all her worries float away. "Right," she replied.

The two ran down the obstacle course. Green Bean ran ahead of Blushie, using the robot chunk as both a shield and a weapon. He blocked attacks, and then smashed robots with it. Blushy saw the resolve in his eyes. That invigorated her. So when a robot lunged at her, she dodged it, touched it, and floated it up into the air. "Release," she shouted. It dropped from the sky and busted up when it hit the ground. Green Boi noticed, and cheered, "Yes! That's a better piece," as he tossed aside his old, dented one, and grabbed a new one from Blushie's kill.

"Green Boi, why are you using robot parts like that?"

He sighed. "I still don't have full control of my stupid Go Green Power. So I'm sort of at a handicap here." He tucked the metal sheet under his arm. "But I'm doing the best I can with what I've got, you know?"

Blushy nodded. _Then I will too_. She decided.

…

The next sexy surprise was The Pitfall of Certain Death.

"What the fuck?" Green Boi groaned as he and Blushie looked out at the pillars of earth carved out in front of them. Massive holes were dug in the ground, creating a deep abyss between towering platforms of land. The platforms were connected by pieces of rope. Green Boi and Blushy watched as one of the Support Item Course Students, Support Item Girl, flew through this obstacle with her hover shoes and grappling hook backpack, all the while laughing like a mad scientist.

Blushy complained, "Look at that show off. Talk about annoying."

"Hey Blushy," Green Boi said, as he held up his piece of metal, "if you make this float, we can ride on it like a surfboard, and fly over this whole thing."

"That's not how my quirk works," Blushy said.

"Really? But weren't you riding on a floating rock or something during the entrance exam?"

"Oh shit, I was!" So she touched the metal scrap, made it float, and hopped onto it. Green Boi gave it a push, and jumped onto it, giving the metal the momentum it needed to make it across the Pitfall of Certain Death.

Once safely on the other side, he and Blushy ran to the third, stupidest, and sexiest obstacle.

"LANDMINES!" screamed Speaker Man, who was thoroughly enjoying this entertainment more than anyone else. "They aren't lethal, but they'll hurt like bloody hell if you step on them! They really pack a punch!"

"I fucking hate this school," Green Boi and Blushie said in unison. They had done pretty well so far, and only a handful of students were ahead of them. Among those students were Prince Zuko, who was carefully dodging the underground bombs, and Explodey Boi, who was blasting his way above the mines.

Explodey Boi would have won the race easily if he had stuck with his strategy of flying over the bombs using his angry rocket technique. He could have flown all the way to the finish line. But he didn't. Even Green Boi's Mutter Mutter couldn't make sense of why that idiot landed on the ground, and started throwing punches at Prince Zuko. Genuinely surprised, The Prince had to dodge Explochan's punches and the landmines.

Speaker Man thought this race couldn't get any better. "Holy shit! A fight broke out~! Is that against the rules, Sadist Lady?"

She was still standing on the field, and she shook her head. She raised her dilly-doo in the air and declared, "It's sexy! I'll allow it!"

"You've seen it here folks! Angry Explodey Boi and Half White Prince Zuko are duking it out in a battlefield full of landmines! Wow! Can this show get any crazier?"

Green Boi rolled his eyes. "Stupid fucking Explochan. He's such a stupid piece of shit," he said to himself.

Blushy shook her head. "Is it normal for people to trash talk their ex-boyfriends like that? Or are you doing that because you want him back?"

"Jesus freaking Christ, Blushy, listen to me." He rubbed the temples of his head in frustration. "For the last time, I'm telling you that Explochan and I are just friends. Nothing else."

"But you were so upset when he told that blue-haired asshole to take your spot in class."

Green Boi frowned. He felt the blood rush to his cheeks. "Yeah, because wouldn't you be upset if your best friend said that to you?" he curtly replied. "Anyway, whatever, let me Mutter Mutter a way for us to win."

He started to mutter to himself as Blushy lectured him, "You can deny it all you want, but if you still have feelings for him, then you need to deal with it. I personally don't think you two should get back together, but if there's gonna be a ton of drama in class **Every.** **Fucking**. **Day** ," she clapped her hands as she said each of those last three words, to emphasize them, "then maybe you two should sit down and talk. I mean, seriously, how many times has he interrupted class because of you? Just yesterday, he exploded your desk because you said you'd win the Sports Festival even if it kills you—which, by the way, is dumb as hell. Don't you dare die to win this damn sports festival. There's always next year. I'm sure that as long as you don't completely lose the Festival, you won't lose your spot in class."

"Mutter mutter mutter mutter mutter," Green Boi muttered as he used his metal sheet to dig up a bunch of landmines into one corner.

"Green Boi, what are you doing?"

"Okay," he said, grabbing onto some rope that was tied to the metal sheet. "Blushy, if you can make this metal thing weightless, or float, or whatever your quirk does, then we'll jump on the mines with it and we'll rocket to the finish line."

"Uh… that sounds dangerous, Green Boi."

"No, it's 60 or 70 percent safe."

"Meaning?"

"It's only a 30 or 40 percent chance we'll explode."

She gaped at him. "You're wild."

"Blushy, hurry up!" Green Boi looked ahead of them to see that Prince Zuko an Explochan were fighting and running through the minefield at the same time. "They're getting further ahead."

"No way. I'm not about to blow myself up."

"There's like a 30 percent chance of us blowing up, Blushy."

"There's like a 0 percent chance of me following your stupid plan, Green Boi."

He sighed. "Dammit, without your extra boost of floaty power, my trajectory won't work out… unless…" Green Boi looked out at Icy Hot and Bomb Palms, who were still fighting and running at the same time, while miraculously avoiding landmines. "Oh. That'll work. Okay. Blushy," he waved his hand at her, as if motioning for her to stand back, "you may want to back up."

She did back up, but she asked, "What'll work? Green Boi? Green Boi don't—"

He ignored her. He took a running start, and dived right into the pile of bombs, using his robot villain shield.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

If I was a wicked fanfiction writer, that would be the end of HS+U. (Wouldn't that be a morbidly funny way to end it?) But since Greenie's Mom prayed for her son's safety last chapter, we'll say that Green Boi's luck fell on the 70 percent side.

He was launched safely into the air, in a massive, glittery explosion. Greenie sailed through the air. Although his ears were ringing, and he was a little disoriented, he was zooming above the competition. As he lost speed, and dropped down from the sky, he did a super-cool backflip, jumped off of the backs of Half Prince and Angry Boi, and slammed his metal thing into the ground. This caused another landmine to explode.

Boom!

That momentum launched him forward just a little bit more. When Green Bean fumbled onto the ground, he took off running at full speed—but without using his Go Green Power. Lo and Behold, he emerged victorious in first place.

"Whoa," said Blushy.

"Whoa," said Ice Zuko.

"Whoa," said Explochan.

"Whoa," said Green Boi. "Holy shit! I won!" He started to cry.

The crowd erupted into cheers for him. Speaker Man was losing his shit at the sudden, super-flashy turn of events. "HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HE WON! HE WON! HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE? HE DIDN'T EVEN USE HIS FUCKING QUIRK! THIS IS WILD! THIS IS INSANE! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TEACHING YOUR STUDENTS, NINJA BAE?"

"Ninja Bae?" grumbled Ninja Sensei.

And of course, Precious Green Bean Mom was watching the whole thing on television, crying so hard that she almost choked on her tears.


	31. Sweet Talking

So why did Explochan decided to try to whoop Ice Prince's cold butt during the last phase of the obstacle course, rather than just zooming on to win first place? Well there were two reasons.

The first reason:

Even if he had used his soon-to-be-patented angry rocket technique to zoom ahead of the Prince, the prince could have either blocked Explochan's path with ice, or frozen one of his hands, or used some other dirty ice trick to get ahead. Explodey—who was a rational human being underneath all that rage—thought that it was better to just knock that bastard out cold and then go on to win the race. He also figured that the Prince was his biggest competition. All these other ass-eating losers weren't a threat, so he could afford to waste some time battling Half White Prince Zuko.

The second reason:

He wanted to teach Zuko a lesson.

"You Royal Bastard!" he yelled at Prince Zuko as he threw the first explosive punch. "I'll give Your Majesty a regal ass whooping!"

As the Prince dodged, he exclaimed, "What the hell?"

Explochan threw another punch. "Eat my ass!"

"What the hell is wrong with you?!"

"So you think you can sweet talk my Green Bean? Right in front of my eyes? Big mistake!"

"Sweet talk? Who the fuck was sweet talking? I was **threatening** him!"

Explochan's unbridled anger threw The Prince for a loop. The prince was so extremely confused that he actually started to question whether or not he had ever sweet talked Green Boi.

"Sweet talk" meant flirting, right? As in, trying to win someone's affection by being overly sweet and nice while talking to them. Right? So had the Prince ever said anything nice to Green Boi? At all?

No.

That interaction earlier today was probably the first time he'd ever actually spoken to Green Boi.

Right?

And that definitely wasn't 'sweet talking'. Cold Bastard was basically trying to shatter any shred of confidence that Green Boi had, because he felt that Green Bean was a threat to him. He had witnessed Green Boi's Go Green Power for just a brief instant during the UHD incident. Green Boi had moved faster than Ice Prince could see. To think that Green Boi was hiding so much flashy power… That power could steal the limelight from The Prince. So he wanted to break Green Boi down. And breaking someone down isn't "sweet talking" that person.

Right?

So… why the fuck was Angry Bomb Kid angry?

Unless he wasn't really angry? Was this an act? Was he just spouting nonsense to confuse The Prince? If so, it was definitely working.

Wait! Maybe… maybe… did Angry Boi seriously think that intimidating someone was a way of "sweet talking" them?

No.

He may be an asshole, but surely he knows that one does not "sweet talk" another by saying, quote from the Prince, "You're pathetic. You know that right?"

But, hey, Explochan was kind of crazy. So maybe he did seriously think that The Prince was flirting with Green Boi by shit talking him earlier today?

Oh! Oh! No, no, wait, maybe Explochan was being sarcastic? By "sweet talking", Angry Explodey meant the opposite. He meant that no one talks trash to Green Boi the way that Ice Prince did earlier this morning. Was that it?

Angry Boi had said, "So you think you can _sweet talk_ my Green Bean? Right in front of my eyes? Big mistake!"

But what he really meant was, "So you think you can _trash talk_ my Green Bean? Right in front of my eyes? Big mistake!"

Understanding verbal irony was not one of the Prince's strong points.

But to be fair, it's a weird method of communication to say the opposite of what one means, in an emotionally charged way, during a very stressful situation.

But that's how Explochan operates.

So, yes, Explochan was being sarcastic and was actually super fucking pissed that Ice Prince had _trash talked_ Green Boi earlier.

All that ran through the Prince's mind as he dodged landmines and punches from Explochan, while running toward the finish line.

Then BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

A loud explosion of landmines startled them both. When the mines blew up, they emitted pink sparkle mist—probably as a way to glamorize the fact that some poor kid just got blown up by a mild explosive. As the two fighting bois looked back at the pretty pink clouds, they did not expect to see Green Boi sailing through the air on a piece of metal.

And they didn't expect him to jump off their backs.

And they didn't expect him to detonate one of the bombs to sabotage them.

And they didn't expect him to win.

And apparently, neither did he. Because here he was on the stadium field, hands on his knees, panting, sobbing, and exclaiming, "Holy shit! I won! I hope my mom was watching!"

Ice Zuko watched his opponent weep as if he'd just lost.

And The Prince was confused. He was quite dreadfully confused.

Why the hell was Green Boi crying? Was he hurt? Did he hurt himself using that dangerous tactic to literally launch himself into first place?

No.

It seemed like Greenie only had a few scratches. (Those robot metal pieces were tough!)

Then why was he crying? This made no sense. Green Boi made no sense.

But Green Boi's nonsense intrigued The Prince.

…

"You, you, you, you, you, you," Blushy punched Green Boi's shoulder and struggled for the right insult to call him. But she couldn't think of one. "Grrr! I'm so mad I can't even think straight!"

"I'm so sorry for leaving you," he told her. "But you didn't want to do the bomb thing with me and I needed to hurry up and besides it's a competition, but at the same time we're friends so please don't be mad—"

She hit him again, "Shut up! What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Uhhh… do you want me to shut up or answer the question?"

She hit him once more. "You piece of shit! You scared me!"

"I'm sorry!"

"What in the name of Blonde Superman were you thinking?"

"I'm sorry!"

Blushy rolled her eyes. "Fuck you. But congratulations. But fuck you mostly."

Green Boi bowed his head and begged for her forgiveness. And she forgave him in time for the next round to start.

Sensual Kurenai walked onto the stage in the middle of the field. Armed with her oddly-shaped remote control, she said, "Congrats to the fop 42 contestants! You've made it to the next round! Give yourselves a round of applause!"

The students cheered for themselves as the crowds in the stadium roared.

"Are you super sexy kids ready for the next challenge?"

Engine Legs adjusted his glasses, and said to himself, "I don't approve of the way she speaks to us."

Nonetheless, she pointed the remote to the screen behind her and pressed a button. On the screen appeared the cutest image of Speaker Man, Wild West Shoot 'Em Up, and Astronaut Guy carrying All American on their shoulders. "The next game is the Calvary Battle! In this game, three or four people use their bodies to make a horse-like caravan and charge at each other to steal headbands! These headbands have points on them. Earn points to win! We assign measly points to the headbands of students ranked 42nd through 2nd, but the student that won first place in the previous challenge, Precious Green Bean Child, is worth 1 bazillion points."

"O-o-one bazillion points?" Green Boi stuttered. "That's a million zillion points!"

"Does that sound ridiculous and unfair? Of course it is! We do this to raise the stakes of the contest super high! That's how we crank up the drama! The rules are the same as the canon plotline. You have 15 minutes to form your teams."

A countdown timer appeared on the screen.

"Oh fuck me," sighed Green Boi as he rubbed his forehead wearily. He didn't notice that the cameras had zoomed in on him because he was the kid worth one bazillion points. Back at home, his mother gasped. She said, "Oh no! My little boy just said the f-word!"

Green Boi had to find a team, which was gonna be hard, considering he'd be everyone's target.

But first let's look at how Explochan found a team.

…

 **[Explodey Boi Learns How to do "Teamwork"]**

Explodey Boi had always been the one that people wanted to follow. Because he was so fucking awesome, he had never, ever, ever had to ask to be on another person's team. It was automatically assumed that he would be the team leader. It was automatic that others would approach him and beg to be on his team. But it was also automatic that after working on a team with him, people would never work with him ever, ever again.

And most of all, it was automatic that Green Boi would be the first person to team up with him. In fact, as soon as this Calvary Battle thing was announced, Explochan expected Green Boi to run to him and start talking strategy. Then Green Boi would build a team that best suits them. And together they would win. That's just how the universe worked.

Or not. Because this time the first person Green Boi went to was none other than Blushy. Explochan was out of earshot, but he could see their mouths move. He could see them laugh and he could see them be dorks together.

He really wanted to murder Green Boi because of that vicious treason. In fact, he made a mental note to hit Green Boi as hard as possible after this whole Sports Festival was over. But for right now, Explochan was on his own. And he had to decide which of these losers to choose for his team.

He looked around at the crowd that had gathered around him. _Who the hell are these wannabes?_ He thought to himself. The pink-haired, pink-skinned girl looked familiar. Was she in his class? Yeah, she was the one whose hero costume looked like Coco Chanel's latest runway look. But, goodness, what the hell was her name? And her quirk?

What were all these losers' names and quirks?

Shit, if Green Boi were here, they'd already have a team by now. But Angry Boi was just standing in the center of a crowd of his classmates, feeling a weird new type of anger. It felt like he wanted to fight all these idiots who were begging to be on his team, but he didn't actually want to fight them. He just felt a lot of energy, but it wasn't a good sort of energy. It made him tremble, but not the same type of trembling as cold anger. He wanted to speak, but for some reason, he didn't know what to say.

That was weird.

He usually knew what to say.

And even if he did know what to say, he didn't think he could calm down enough to actually say it. Which was weird. He usually had no trouble saying whatever popped into his mind.

There was no way that Explochan could have known what social anxiety was, but that's what he was feeling. Rather, he called it Unspoken Anger, because he found it hard to speak.

"You should team with me!" Sugar Daddy told Explodey Boi.

"No, you definitely want me by your side!" insisted Pinky.

"I don't want to beg, but please!" begged Honey Sweet.

"Come on Explodey Boi, let's team up," said Duct Tape Dude.

"I'm your best bet," Six Arms said.

"I think I'd be the best addition to your team," Invisible Girl said.

Explochan stood there, staring straight ahead, with a scowl on his face, trying to figure out what to say and who to team up with. _This isn't my job. This is Green Boi's job. Why isn't he here forming my team for me? That stupid Green Bean Bitch is gonna pay. I'm gonna fuck him silly. I hate him so much._

At this point, his classmates had stopped begging, and were silently staring at him, waiting for his answer. It was at that point, that Angry Boi's unspoken anger peaked. This awkward silence was too much to bear. He was visibly shaking as he forced himself to say, "Wait, remind me what your quirks are again, and what your names are?"

"What an asshole!" his classmates said, practically falling over from that insult.

Pinky yelled at him, "You don't know who your fucking classmates are? After almost a month of school?"

"Why would I waste my time learning your names? You're all pieces of shit underneath my boots!"

"Fuck you!" She tossed her hair and started to walk away. "I don't have to deal with your disrespect. I'll go form a team with someone else." Everyone else who was surrounding Explochan nodded in agreement, and dispersed.

Thus, Explochan was standing in the center of the field, his hands in his pockets, scowling, staring straight ahead, and trembling slightly.

This wasn't supposed to happen. How the hell was he supposed to form a team? He looked up at the clock. There were ten minutes left.

Then there were nine.

Eight.

Seven.

Six.

 _Well I'll be damned,_ Explochan thought to himself. _I'm seriously not gonna have a team._ He looked all around him. When students made eye contact with him, they quickly turned away and walked off.

Five.

Four.

"Hey! Explodey Boi!" shouted Red Boi, who was approaching him.

Explodey Boi felt so much light anger. He hoped that Red Boi would join his team. But in his classic way, instead of saying that, he said, "What do you want, you Crimson Colored Fuck?"

"Dude, I have a name," replied an annoyed Red Boi.

"Which is?"

"You seriously don't know my name?"

"…Crimson Fuckboi?"

"No."

"Red Dumb Fucker?"

"Why would my mom name me that?"

"Because you are?"

"Blonde Superman have mercy on me," Red Boi groaned. "Okay, look, I wanted to be on Prince Zuko's team, but he already has a team, so do you want to team up? I'm a pretty good bottom, so you can be on top."

Angry Boi glared at Red Boi. That meant "yes," in Angry Boi language. But Red Head didn't understand. Red Head felt like he was about to be rejected, so he added, "Dude, I can totally handle it. You could ride me all day. Plus, I get super hard so you don't have to worry about your quirk hurting me. We can charge into battle together! So what do you say?"

"Whatever." In Angry Boi language, that meant, "Didn't I already say yes, you idiot?"

This time Red Head sort of understood. He assumed it was a yes. "Cool!" Red Head exhaled. He looked up at the clock. Two minutes. "I was so worried that I wouldn't find a team in time. Who else is on your team?"

Explochan growled.

Red Boi understood that too. "Oh shit, just me?" Red Head scratched the back of his head. "Dude, were you planning to do this event all by yourself? You know you literally can't do that, right?"

"I'm not an idiot!" barked Explochan.

"So… Should I go get some more teammates? We've got less than two minutes left!"

"What do you think?!"

"Ugh," groaned Red Head. "Why are you so difficult?" he sprinted away to find more teammates.

Explochan pouted.

But he was so relieved.

 **[Explodey Boi Learns How to do "Teamwork" END]**


	32. Charge On! Calvary Battle!

Blushy and Green Boi teamed up, of course, and they rushed to find Glasses Guy Engine Legs. "Glasses Boi! Join our team!" Blushy told him.

Before Engine Legs could even respond, Green Boi started talking strategy to him, "So since I'm worth a bazillion points, people are going to chase us. Our best bet is to run away from them. That'll work if Blushy makes us weightless so it's easier to run. All three of us could be bottoms. But we'll need to find a top. I'm thinking we could ask Rich Tits—"

"Green Boi," Glasses Boi interrupted, "I didn't say I'd join your team."

Greenie and Blushy stared at him, perplexed.

"I'm sorry, but I must refuse your offer."

"WHAT!?" they both exclaimed.

"Please don't take this as an insult. I refuse because feel like I've been falling behind. I'm losing to you, Green Boi. I feel like if I keep teaming up with you, I'll fall even further behind. Therefore, I'm going to team up with Prince Zuko, to whom I also lost."

Blushy narrowed her eyes, "But if you join our team, you're probably gonna win the Calvary Battle. Doesn't it make more sense to team up with your friends now, and then become rivals later?"

"No. I've realized that I can't simply stand by and watch you succeed. In order to reach the top, I must act like Prince Zuko and Explodey Boi. Therefore, I've decided." He glared at the two cutest nerds in class. Their pleading eyes overwhelmed his kawaii-sensors. Nonetheless, he forced himself to declare, "I want to defeat you, Green Boi! And you as well, Blushy! Although you are both my friends, I must not hesitate to crush you!" He adjusted his glasses. "I'll see you both at lunch time." With that, Glasses Boi walked away from them.

Green Boi was shaken.

Blushy was nonchalant. She said, "He's being so overdramatic. But isn't he kind of hot when he's trying to be tough? Huh Greenie?" Blushie turned to face him. Green Boi's face was serious. He was muttering under his breath. Blushy waved her hand in front of his face. "Green Boi?"

"Huh?"

"You okay?"

"Uh, yeah. It's just really hard to be number 1. I've never been the number 1 in anything, so it's really, really hard for me. I feel like everyone is an enemy, and that I can't rely on anyone. It sucks to feel so isolated like this." His eyes watered.

"No, don't cry! And don't say that Greenie! You still have me!"

"Yeah." He smiled at her. "I'm glad for that." Then he looked around, as if searching for someone. "But it makes me worry about Explochan, because he's been number 1 since the day he was born. I wonder if he ever feels like this."

"No way. He's such a jerk."

"Yeah, but he's a human being too." Green Boi spotted Explochan standing in the middle of the field, hands in his pockets, all alone. "I'm gonna go make sure he has a team."

"Uh, shouldn't we make our team first?" She glanced at the clock. We've got 10 minutes."

"If he doesn't have a team, we can join his team."

"I'm not working with that guy."

"Blushy!"

"Greenie! I'm not working with him! If I had a dollar for every time he called me a bitch, I could pay off my parents' debt."

"But weren't you the one who told Glasses Boi to put rivalries aside and work together to win the Calvary Battle?"

"Yes. _Rivalries_. Explodey and I aren't rivals. We're _enemies_. There's no way I could work with someone so aggressive. And there's no way you can work with your ex-boyfriend without fighting."

"He's not my fucking ex! Dammit Blushy!" Green Boi shook his head and sighed. "But you're right about not being able to work with him." He looked upwards. "Okay, so who can we work with?"

They didn't have to look too far, because, "FIRST PLACE-KUN TEAM UP WITH ME!" shouted Support Item Girl as she hovered over to Blushy and Greenie, using her hover shoes. "I want to use your popularity to show off my babies!"

"Your what now?" Blushy asked. "You brought babies to the Sports Festival?!"

But Support Item Girl was more focused on Green Bean, invading his personal space and saying, "Let me join your team! Everyone will be watching you, so if you use my babies, they'll be watching my babies!" She showed him a treasure chest of support items. "I've got gadgets galore! A gazillion gizmos! I've got a baby for running, a baby for flying, a baby for jumping! So let me join your team!"

"Oh lord, she's a whackjob," muttered Blushy.

But Green Boi didn't think so once he shuffled through Support Girl's collection of babies. "Oh shit, is this a jetpack?"

Support Item Girl nodded. "His name is Jeffrey Jr.! I based his design on the Flying Hero, Jetpack Jeffrey."

"Oh my gosh, I wanna wear a jetpack." Green Boi looked to Blushy. "I really, really, really want to wear a jetpack."

Blushy frowned. Green Boi pleaded with his eyes. They were sparkling. Blushie rolled her eyes. She acquiesced, "Okay, weirdo, you can join our team."

Thus Support Item Girl joined the Green Bean Squad.

"But I think we need one more," said Green Boi. He glanced out into the field, and saw that Explochan still hadn't moved from that same spot. There were about 7 minutes left. "Is that stupid piece of shit gonna just stand there?" he mumbled to himself as he continued to scan around for another possible teammate. "Anyway, it's not my job to make sure he has a team. It's my job to make sure I have a team. Hmm…"

That's when he saw Bird Boi. He turned to Blushy. "How do you feel about Bird Guy on our team?"

Blushy nodded. "Sure. He's pretty chill."

"Cool. I'll go ask him." Green Boi ran off to talk to Birdy.

Bird Boi said, "Yeah," so that was easy. Thrilled that he had formed an effective team, with five and a half minutes to spare, Green Boi walked with Birdy back to where Blushy and Support Girl were waiting.

But along the way, he noticed that Explochan was still all alone. All alone, with less than 5 minutes left to form a team. _Is he really going to just stand there?_ Green Boi wondered. But his thoughts were interrupted by Spikey Red, who approached them and shouted, "Green Boi! Got room on your team for one more?"

"No, I don't." He gestured to Birdy. "I'm with Birdy, Blushy and some weird girl who makes support items."

"Aw crap." Spikey Red seemed worried. "This is bad. Everyone I wanted to work with is already taken."

"That sucks." Green Boi looked at the clock. A little more than 4 minutes left. Explochan was still all alone. "Have you tried asking Explochan?"

"Does he have space on his team? I thought he'd be taken by now."

"Yeah he has space."

"Cool. I'm gonna go ask." And Spikey Red ran off.

Green Boi watched as Red Boi approached Explochan. He got anxious as they seemed to argue at first. But he exhaled with relief when it seemed like they formed a team. Greenie muttered, "That idiot was seriously gonna stand there until someone teamed up with him. He's so fucking stupid."

Birdy said, "I see that your feelings for Explodey Boi are still very strong."

"Oh my god, stop," Green Boi begged, as he and Birdy walked over to Blushy and Support Girl. Once Team Green Bean was together, they used their remaining two minutes to concoct a plan. Green Boi said, "Our goal is to protect our bazillion point headband. So I'll be on top, and I'll wear the jetpack. Blushy and, uh, what's your name?" He looked to Support Item Girl.

"Call me: The Baby Maker."

"I'm not calling you that."

Blushie said, "Just call her Support Item Girl."

"Okay," Green Boi continued, "Blushy and Item Girl-chan, you'll be on the left and the right. Blushy, use your quirk to make us lightweight. And you can wear the hover shoes to help guide us when we fly with the jetpack. Birdy-kun, I'd like you in the front to focus on multi-angle defense, using Little Peepers."

Birdy nodded. "That sounds suitable. Little Peepers won't be much help with offense, as he grows timid and weaker when there is light. His strength comes from the darkness of night, and the shadow realm. However, I'm sure he will be strong enough for defensive maneuvers."

 _Master, do not reveal my secrets,_ begged Lil' Peeps.

"Sounds like a plan," Blushy said, as she put on the hover boots. Thus, the Green Bean Squad was ready for battle! And just in time, too, because The Sensual Seductress reappeared on the stage to announce the start of the Calvary Battle. She cheered, "Alright UH first-year students! Get ready for the sexiest Calvary Battle of your lives!" She twirled around and pointed her dilly-doo in the sky. "Tops, mount your bottoms now!"

Green Boi climbed onto the shoulders of Blushy, Item Girl, and Birdy.

Explochan climbed onto the shoulders of Red Head, Pinky and Duct Tape Kid.

Prince Half White climbed onto the shoulders of Rich Girl, Engine Legs, and Electric Slide.

Froakie and Purple Shit climbed onto the shoulders of Six Arms.

The rest of the others did the same with their teams.

Sensual Sadist Lady shouted out, "Fifteen minutes on the clock! Are you ready?"

Green Boi gulped as he scanned the teams on the battlefield. Although his biggest competition was the Ice Prince Army and The Explochan Gang, he knew he'd have to be wary of his other classmates, and the other lesser known characters.

"Set!" Sensual Sadist shouted.

Explochan had one goal in mind. He was gonna win. He had lost to the Ice Prince and Green Boi, coming in third place in the first round. But this time, he was gonna be first. He was gonna get that bazillion point headband.

Ice Prince had that same goal in mind. Win first place. Nothing less. He looked up into the crowds at the stadium. He whispered, "I hope Daddy is watching."

"GO!" Sensual Lady shouted.

Everyone ran toward the Green Bean Squad.

"Blushy, Item Girl-chan, watch your heads!" Green Boi shouted. Blushy and Item Girl, ducked out of the way and Green Boi pressed a button to activate Jeffrey Jr.

ZOOOM!

The Green Bean Squad launched into the air. Blushy activated her quirk, making everyone weightless, and she used her hoverboots to guide them in the air.

"You're making Mommy so proud, Jr.!" Support Item Girl said to her inanimate mechanical creation.

"We can run away up here for most of the battle," Green Bean said, as he scanned the land below. "Just make sure to watch for attacks from—"

Before he could finish his sentence, Angry Rocket Boi exploded into the air with his Palm Propulsion™ and tried to snatch the bazillion point headband off of Greenie's head. He dodged, and Lil' Peepers jumped in to smack Angry Boi down. Angry Boi yelled obscenities as he fell down toward the ground.

Duct Tape Dude snatched Angry Boi out of the sky with his super sticky tape, and guided him back to his position as rider. "What the hell dude? Don't jump all of a sudden! If I hadn't caught you, you would have fallen to the ground and disqualified our team!"

"You're such a terrible team leader!" shouted Pinky.

Red Head agreed. "A little more communication would help a lot Explodey Boi!"

"Fuck all of you!" replied Angry Boi. But what he really meant was, "My bad. I'll let you know next time. But I almost got the headband, so don't nag about it. Sheesh."

Speaker Man, who was having more fun than anyone else in that stadium, shouted out his commentary. "Oh SHIT! Did you see that? Explodey Boi demonstrated a long-range technique! But he jumped off of his horses to do so! Is that allowed, Sensual Sadist Lady?"

She nodded. "It's sexy! I'll allow it!"

Greenie grunted, "Dammit, if only he wasn't so sexy."

Meanwhile, Support Girl said, "First Place-kun, you have to land, or else Jeffrey Jr. will overheat."

"Dammit, okay," replied Greenie as he landed. "We'll just have to dodge on the ground."

Once on the ground, the Ice Prince Army, along with everyone else, chased after the Green Bean Squad. Green Boi was able to lead his team, saying, "Dodge left! Juke right! Back up!" And they were doing pretty good—until Green Boi almost got his headband snatched by Froakie's tongue. He dodged, but then he almost got hit by a rapid fire of grape blorbs. Greenie looked around, asking, "Where are they attacking from? Looks like we'll need to take to the sky! Blushy! Item-chan!"

They ducked, and he pressed the jetpack button. Jeffrey Jr. activated, but didn't launch them upward. "Huh?" Green Boi gasped.

"Oh fuck, I'm stuck!" shouted Blushy, whose hover boot was stuck to the ground by a grape blorb.

Froakie, who was hiding in-between Six Arms's webbed six arms with Purple Shit, turned to him and said, "Your quirk is super useful."

"Does it turn you on?" he replied, while giggling like a 12-year-old boy who just discovered what that phrase meant.

"Why do I even bother treating you nicely? Ribbit?" she asked herself. She shot out her tongue to try to grab Green Boi's headband. He ducked, she missed, and the hoverboot broke, which sent the Green Bean Squad hurtling into the air.

"Hoverboot Holly!" screamed Item Girl. "My baby!"

Blushie said, "Green Boi! My hoverboot is all busted up! I can't control it! We've got to land!"

"Shit!" Green Boi said, as he deactivated Jeffrey Jr.

…

"Shit!" screamed Purple Shit as he realized that his headband had been swiped. It was around this time that several teams began to notice that someone had snatched their headbands. While some teams had been focused on stealing the bazillion point headband, other teams had been preying on them.

Explochan was stunned when he felt someone yank the headband off of his head. "What he fuck?" he exclaimed. He had assumed that no one would dare attack him.

"Hahahahaha!" laughed a rider from class 1-B as he and his horses ran away. he taunted Explodey Boi, "I stole your headband! I stole your headband! I stole your headband! Loser!" He stuck his tongue out at Explochan. "You think you're hot shit, but I'm too legit, so you better quit!" The person spitting rhymes was none other than That Annoying Copycat From Class B. He was so damn happy that he had stolen Explochan's headband, that he felt invincible. He felt so invincible that he started to monologue. "Class 1-A must stand for Class 1-Assholes! You're all so damn stupid! During the Sexy 4K Obstacle Course, you all ran ahead, and showed off your quirks, whereas we in Class 1-B stayed behind and watched! We did that to get an advantage—"

As he was talking, he was so full of himself, that he didn't realize that Angry Boi was very, very angry. Instead of letting That Annoying Copycat finish his monologue, Angry Boi attacked. After all, why would he sit there and listen to a no-name loser's rant?

Explodey jumped, leaping toward The Copycat, ready to knock his lights out. Luckily, one of the horses, Glassblower Boi, whose quirk is Air Alchemy, blew a gravity-defying shield in front of them. Angry Boi smacked into the shield. Then Angry Boi punched through the shield.

"No one has ever broken my air-shield before!" exclaimed Glassblower Boi.

Angry Boi was erupting with anger as he shouted, "Did you really think I'd let you steal my headband? Only in your wet dreams!" He snatched a handful of headbands from Copycat. Then Duct Tape Dude used his tape to snatch Angry Boi back.

"He, he, he stole all of our headbands," whimpered Copycat Boi. He gritted his teeth. "Let's go get them back!"

But he couldn't. Because that's when the Ice Prince Army enacted their super plus ultra mega attack. Rich Tits created an insulating blanket to cover herself, Engine Legs and The Prince. Then Electroboi used, "Ultimate Non-Lethal Shock!" to briefly paralyze his opponents on the field. Then Ice Prince finished off with, "Ice Trap!" to freeze almost all of the Calvary Battle Teams to the ground, including the Explochan Gang. The only team left was his own, and Green Boi's. The Green Bean Squad had been in the sky.

But due to the malfunctioning hoverboot, they were forced to land. Ice Prince looked up at the clock. There were only three minutes left. He didn't want to waste time chasing these idiots, so he raised up a wall of ice to encircle them.

So now Green Boi and Ice Prince were staring each other down. "Blushy, Birdy, Item Girl, keep to the left," Green Boi told his teammates. "He can't attack us if we stay to his left, or he'll risk hitting his own teammate in the front."

"He's right," Ice Prince realized. And he lowered his hand, because he sure as hell was about to try to attack Greenie with his Super Ice Attack. The clock was ticking down. Two and a half minutes left. Two minutes left…

…

On the other side of the ice wall, Explochan was fuming. "Hey, idiots! Get moving!" he yelled at his horses. Duct Tape Guy was fuming too. "Look you explosive jerk, we're stuck in ice! How the hell can we move!?"

How the hell could they move? Angry Boi frowned as he wondered. _What would Green Boi do?_ He thought about all of his teammates' quirks, which they had hastily told him before the Calvary Battle started. Then an idea struck him.

"Raccoon Eyes," he said, pointing to Pinky.

"Raccoon Eyes?" she repeated, grossly offended.

"Squirt all over the ice to melt it!"

"Oh, yeah, that's actually a good idea!" She used her Acid Palms to melt the ice around them.

Once freed from their ice prison, the Explochan Gang faced the ice wall in the middle of the field. Angry Boi demanded, "Let's bum rush Icy Hot and Green Boi! We're gonna steal all their damn headbands! Raccoon Eyes, squirt a hole in that ice wall! Red Fucker, bust through it! And Elbow Guy, get ready to reel me in when I jump! Got it?"

"Sounds like a plan to me!" shouted Spikey Red as he and the rest of the horses charged toward the ice wall.

…

One minute left. The Green Bean Squad was still playing a strong defense. The Ice Prince Army was still hesitating. What to do? What to do?

Glasses Guy whispered, "Prince Zuko-kun, it seems we're in a sticky situation. Allow me to take charge. I shall use my special move to give us a burst of speed. But after that burst of speed, I'll be unable to move for a few seconds, and I'll be unable to use it again for another hour. So we only have one shot." To his other teammates, he said, "Please prepare yourself, as I will move incredibly fast."

"Alright then," Prince Zuko and the team agreed. The Prince prepared himself to swipe the headband. Engine Legs revved up his engine legs. He shouted, "Nitro Leg Boost!"

VROOOM!

He went faster than Ice Prince expected. Engine Legs went so fast that Ice Prince almost missed his chance to steal the bazillion points.

Almost.

When Ice Prince blinked, he realized that he had the bazillon points in his hands. "Wow."

Rich Tits whispered, "Make sure you put it under the other headbands we've taken. I'm sure they'll try to steal it back."

"Right," the Prince said, as he fastened the headband around the bottom of his neck.

"I'm useless, so keep your guard up," said Engine Legs.

"Right."

Sure enough the Green Bean Squad did try to steal the headband back. They rushed at the Ice Prince Army. Green Boi reached out his hand, like he was about to palm Ice Prince in the face.

Green Boi's hand and forearm glowed with power. Ice Prince felt the sheer amount of energy stored in that palm. And he gasped. He thought, _Is Bean Child trying to kill me?_ Out of instinct, and out of fear, Ice Prince raised his left hand, his fire-style hand, to defend himself.

Green Boi swatted away Prince Zuko's petty flames and swiped a headband from his neck.

But thank goodness for Rich Tits' advice, because Green Boi grabbed a measly 70 point headband. And Sadist Lady called, "Time's up!"


	33. Daddy Issues

**Author's Note: Because this is supposed to be a comedy, I think I should warn you that this chapter gets roughs when Prince Icy Hot starts talking about his tragic backstory. He mentions his mother's mental health issues. That could be triggering for some readers who have struggled with mental health issues, or know someone who does.**

 **…**

Explochan burst through the ice wall, ready to snatch a headband from whoever was closest to him, when Sadist Lady called, "Time's up!"

Explochan fell flat on his face on the ground. He let loose a flurry of expletives, even though his team won second place, and would advance to the next round.

Green Boi, on the other hand, was speechless as he stared at his 70 points. He started to tear up. He started to cry. Blushie and Support Girl helped him dismount from their shoulders, and Blushie asked, "What's wrong?"

"I only got 70 points! I'm so sorry!"

"But we didn't lose," Blushie told him.

"Wha?"

Bird Guy smirked. Little Peepers showed Green Boi that he had snatched a headband as well. "No worries, Green Boi. Little Peepers grabbed enough points to put us in 4th place."

Green Boi burst into tears. "Oh my gosh, thank you! Little Peepers you are so amazing! Thank you! Waaaah!"

Up in the stadium, All American was watching Green Boi sob like a little child. He said to himself, "He cries too much. It's adorable, but how the hell can he strike fear into the hearts of his enemies if he's so damn cute? Can he really be the next Symbol of Peace? Maybe I gave Deus ex Machina to the wrong kid…"

Back on the field, Blushy slapped the back of Precious Green's head. "Stop crying!" she said. "Hero Agencies are watching. Who's gonna hire a crybaby?"

Green Bean sniffled, wiped his face, and replied, "The Moe Kawaii Cutie Hero Agency hired Super Baby-kun, and his super power is that he cries powerful tears of justice. They say his ultimate move, WAAAH! Attack, can put a hole through a mountain."

Support Item Girl said, "That's true. For my midterm exam project, I'm planning to design a support item that can channel his waterworks into a cannon."

"Are you still here?" Blushy retorted.

On the stage, Sadist Woman announced, "All of you kids did so well! Unfortunately, there must be winners and losers. And those who are advancing onto the next round are: the Ice Prince Army, Explochan Gang, Blue Haired Kid Crew, and Green Bean Squad! We'll continue this afternoon's festivities after a lunch break!"

The stadium erupted into applause.

…

Froakie had teamed up with Purple Shit and Six Arms, and they were a pretty good team, but unfortunately they didn't make it to the next round. She was pissed, but because she's such a wholesome person, she went around and congratulated her winning classmates. "Pink Girl congratulations, ribbit!"

"Thanks!" Pinky scratched the back of her own head. "I almost didn't join Explodey Boi's team, but Spikey Red convinced me and Duct Tape Dude to join at literally the last minute. Looks like it was a winning combination after all."

"It looked like you guys worked well."

"Not really. Explodey Boi just did whatever he wanted and we had to figure out how to support him." She shook her head. "But we won, so I'm really thankful for that. I'm sorry you didn't make it to the next round."

"In life, there's winners and there's losers. I guess I took the L this time, so I'll work harder for the W next time. Ribbit. Wanna go get some lunch?"

"Sure."

So those two headed to the cafeteria. And Green Boi, Blushy and Glasses were right behind them, heading to the cafeteria while chatting about their wins. "Glasses Boi! You were so fast when you used your Nitro Leg Boost to snatch our bazillion point headband!" Blushy said as she pretended to jog in place. "That was so plus ultra! Why didn't you tell us that you could do that?"

"My big brother says that every man needs to have a few secrets," replied the pleased Engine Boi.

Green Boi said, "Oh wow that sounds like a great quote to write in a fanfiction," while Blushy cheered, "That's super sexy!"

"Sadist Woman-sensei is such a bad influence," lamented Glasses Boi.

Blushy added, "I wish I could meet your brother. He sounds so cool!"

"I'd be delighted to introduce you to Turbo Legs one day. And you as well, Green Boi. I believe my big brother would be thrilled to meet the next generation of heroes. Maybe he'd even enlist you as his sidekicks when the time comes."

"I want to be more than just a sidekick," Blushy said. "I want to sign on to a popular agency as a full-fledged hero after I graduate UH."

"More than just a sidekick," Green Boi repeated. "That sounds like a great title for a fanfiction."

"Is fanfiction all you ever think about?" asked Blushy. She and Engine Legs laughed at Green Bean's expense, but in a good-hearted way. He blushed and tried to explain himself, "I'm sorry! It's just that you guys are really giving me some good ideas and I haven't had time to write since I've been training for the sports festival and I promised myself that once this is over I'm gonna relax and write a couple dozen chapters and—"

He was interrupted by a cold grip on his shoulder. Green Boi froze. Literally. He felt ice coat his skin as the hand on his shoulder pressed tightly against his gym uniform. The person touching him was none other than Prince Icy Hot, who demanded, "Come with me."

Green Boi, still standing stiff as a board, nodded his head. He waved goodbye to Blushy and Glasses, and followed the Prince's lead. Blushy and Glasses exchanged worried glances, but decide to go ahead to the cafeteria.

..

Icy Boi led Green Boi to an abandoned hallway underneath the UH Sports Stadium. Some light poured in from outside, but it was dark inside. The Prince leaned against the shadows and scowled at Green Boi. Green Boi kept his head low as he asked, "So, um, what'd you want to talk about?"

No reply. Just a stern, regal scowl from the prince.

Green Boi dared to look up into the prince's face. He gulped. He thought _He's so different than Explochan._ _At least Explochan has fire in his eyes. This guy, he's so lifeless. He's so cold and intimidating. What does he want from me?_

The Prince spoke up, "I promised myself that I'd never use my fire-bending. Yet, you made me use it."

"Uh…" Green Boi didn't know how to respond.

"I wanted to show my father that I don't need his damn quirk, yet, you've shown me that I do." He tightened his left hand into a fist, and squeezed his left eye shut. "Dammit. Dammit all!"

"Um, Prince Zuko-kun, are you okay? Like, are you seriously okay?"

"I hate my father."

"Um… huh?"

Prince Zuko admitted, "My father is abusive."

Green Bean jumped in shock. "What?! Your father? The hero: Abusive Fire Daddy?"

"Yeah."

"No way."

"It's a shocker, I know."

"I'm shook."

"Be shaken."

There was a short pause, as Green Boi processed the information he had just received. Then he asked, "You can't be serious. He's the number two hero."

"He's always wanted to be number one."

Green Boi shook his head. "That's impossible. Being number one would mean beating the lord god himself."

"Yes, there is no way Daddy could outrank All American Blonde Superman. It's literally impossible. But he desperately wanted to be number one. I don't understand why. I literally don't understand why being number two isn't good enough for him. But it isn't. And he felt an intense self-loathing at being number two. It drove him crazy. So in his madness, he decided that he was going to breed a child to defeat All American Blonde Superman."

"Breed?"

"Yes. He's a strong, rich, powerful man, and he used his influence to buy my mommy. Because, ha, what family wouldn't want their daughter to marry such a proud hero? They thought they were lucky. She thought she was lucky. She was wrong. He married her because her quirk is ice manipulation. He wanted a kid that had both ice and flames, because for some reason he believed that ice and flames are the perfect combination to beat Blonde Superman."

"That doesn't make sense. Wouldn't he want a super-strength quirk?"

"Exactly. Stupid fucking idiot." Prince Zuko sighed. "So they made me. After several attempts…"

Green Bean was pretty fucking appalled. "So he basically did human selective breeding to make you? That's fucked up. That's so fucked up. I don't even know what else to say."

"Oh, I'm not done. First of all, my father has never loved my mother. He treated her like an object, a human incubator whose sole purpose was bearing him strong children. I can only imagine what he did to her, forcing her to get pregnant again and again with his children."

Green Boi winced. "Geez…"

"And that's not all. The first time my mom gave birth, she fell into severe post-partum depression. She couldn't eat, function, or even talk for a long time." Prince Zuko's hands clenched into fists. "When she finally got out of it, the doctors told my father not to have any more children with her, for the sake of her sanity. But guess what this motherfucker did?"

"Oh no…"

"He got my mom pregnant three more times. Each time, after she gave birth, she fell into severe post-partum depression. After I was born, she got so bad that she couldn't leave the house. I was very little, but I still remember how miserable she was. I can't picture her smiling face. In every memory I have of her, she's crying. She hated her life. She hated her children. She tried to kill herself. She tried to kill me."

"What?"

He pointed to his scar, the reddish, leathery tissue surrounding his left eye. "I don't know what I did to make her mad that day. But she did this to me."

"H-how?"

"She threw boiling hot water in my face." His body trembled with anger.

Green Boi was used to being around a guy with anger issues, so he thought knew the different types of rage. He was wrong. He'd never seen this type of rage before. It was a quiet, determined rage. A vengeful rage. A murderous rage.

"A-are you mad at her?" Green Boi dared to ask.

"No. Why would I be mad at her? It's Daddy's fault. He's the one that drove her crazy. He's the one who locked her away in the mental hospital. He's the one who did this to me." Ironically, a smile spread across Prince Zuko's face. "He thinks he's the number two hero? Haha. Haha. Hahahaha." The air temperature dropped. Crystals of ice formed on the Prince's face, and all around the hallway. "Number two hero? No, he's the number one villain in my opinion. And I'll become the type of hero that can end his reign of tyranny."

"Prince Zuko-kun?" Green Boi reached out toward him.

"I hate that his blood flows through my veins. I hate the side of my body that looks like him. I hate looking in the mirror and seeing his reflection. Half of me is the child of a flame demon."

"Prince Zuko-kun, calm down," begged Green Boi.

"But one day, this demon spawn will rise up against its maker. All those years of vicious training are going to come back to haunt him," declared the Prince. "All the times he beat me so hard I thought I was going to die. All the times he broke my arms, he broke my legs, he bruised me, knocked out my teeth—all in the name of combat training, quirk training, training, training, training! I was five years old! Why does a five-year-old have to train like that? Why does a five-year-old have to cower in fear, wondering if today is the day his training finally kills him? Why did I have to suffer?" Beads of ice fell to the ground—his frozen tears. "But guess what? One day the tables are going to turn. I'll be the one to make him suffer."

"Half White!" Green Boi grabbed his shoulders and shook him. "Snap out of it!"

"I'm gonna fucking kill him."

"Y-you mean you're going to outshine him as a hero, but without acknowledging him, therefore breaking his heart, shattering his pride, and metaphorically killing him? Right?"

"No. I'm going to rip his fucking guts out."

Green Boi slapped Prince Zuko. The shock brought the latter back to reality. He blinked a few times. His body relaxed. The air warmed up. The ice began to melt. Prince Zuko leaned back against the wall and sighed.

Green Boi apologized, "I… I'm sorry."

"No it's fine. I deserved that."

"Well, no, I mean, I'm sorry for the slap too, but I'm sorry for… um… well… I'm sorry that you went through that. I don't know what else to say…"

Prince Zuko shrugged. "It's not your fault. I don't even know why I told you."

"Is your mom okay?" Green Boi thought about his own mom, and how she was the anchor that he leaned on. He thought about how he could see her smiling face every day. He could almost hear her say, "I love you Precious Green!" Without his mom, Green Boi would be all alone. That thought was unbearable, so he really couldn't imagine the pain that Prince Zuko was suffering.

"I don't know. I haven't seen her since the incident." He covered the damaged half of his face with his hand.

"Um, can I ask why not?"

He shrugged. "Dad sent her to a mental hospital and she's been there since. I never went to visit because…" He touched the scar on his face. "I guess I thought she'd try to kill me again."

Green Boi lowered his head. "Oh… maybe she won't… I dunno…"

The Prince thought about that notion for a moment. "You're right. Maybe she won't…"

Green Boi really wished he could say something to help. He racked his brain for some sort way to keep the conversation going. "So, wait, if your mom's in the hospital, how did you know about what happened to her?"

"My sister told me." A little bit of shine returned to his eyes. "She's the only one that actually loves me. She's always encouraging me. I bet she's excitedly watching the sports festival right now."

Noticing the happiness that Prince Zuko felt about talking about his sister, Green Boi asked, "What's your sister like?"

"She's awesome. She kind of looks like me, but she has tufts of red and white hair instead of half-and-half split right down the middle. Her name is Big Sis Of Prince Zuko."

"That's a pretty name."

"Yeah, I just call her Big Sis." He exhaled. "She's encouraging me to be a hero."

"So are you becoming a hero for her sake?"

Prince Zuko shook his head. "No. I'm not really trying to become a hero. I came to UH in order to train my powers, so I can kill my father." He said it in a way that was blunt yet calm. He said it as if admitting that he seriously wanted to murder his father was no big deal.

Green Boi winced. "Uh, well, oh geez… Well maybe it's better if you follow the path of a hero. After all, by focusing on vengeance, you're just giving your father control of your life, right?"

"What do you mean?"

"You're really fixated on killing him, right?"

"Yeah."

"And every time you think about him, he's indirectly controlling you. Maybe it's time that you focused on something you want."

"I want to kill him."

"Wow. Okay. But then what? What's after that?"

"I'll rot in jail for murder."

"Yikes, you have this all planned out, don't you?" Green Boi placed a hand on the Prince's shoulder. "Maybe I'm stepping out of my lane by saying this, but instead of focusing on your father that makes you angry, focus on something that makes you happy. Maybe you should try to be a hero for your own sake."

The Prince chuckled. "That sounds like something Big Sis would say." His demeanor softened a little, and he pulled Green Boi into a hug. "Thanks. I needed that."

Green Boi at first was hesitant to return the hug. But when he felt how surprisingly warm Ice Prince's embrace was, he allowed himself to reciprocate the gesture. Ice Prince was taller than him, so Green Boi rested his head against his shoulder. He squeezed tightly. "I'm here for you, um, if you ever need… um… help…or anything…"

Upon releasing Green Bean from the hug, Prince Zuko said, "I won't." He shoved Green Boi away, as if suddenly remembering, "You are my enemy." He looked at his left hand, and scowled. "I will defeat you. And I will use only my ice side to do so. You will never make me use my flames again. Be warned, Bean Child."

"…okay?" Green Boi watched with sad confusion as Prince Zuko walked away. He wondered what he could do to help this kid, but when his stomach grumbled, Precious Green realized he'd have to Mutter Mutter about this after lunch.

So Green Boi hurried to the cafeteria, hoping that his friends had saved him a seat.

Greenie didn't notice that Explochan had been lurking in that same hallway, listening in on his conversation with the Prince. Explodey Boi had taken notice when Ice Prince led Green Boi away from the crowded entrance of the stadium. Worried that The Prince was going to try to "sweet talk" Greenie again, Explochan followed them and listened in on their conversation. Now, he squatted down and frowned. "Damn, that kid's fucked up," he said to himself.

…

 **Author's Note: I really feel bad for the Prince and his mother…**


	34. The Baku-Bros

**Author's Note:**

 **I haven't been updating recently because I was working on a book of poetry. (Technicolor Dreams: A Journal of Dark and Hopeful Thoughts by Emma Heart is available on Amazon Kindle!)**

 **I'm also working on another webcomic and an art commission (and I have a full-time job), so I'll be updating a few times this month as well. Sorry!**

 **...**

Explodey Boi arrived in the lunchroom, and cut to the front of the line, like he usually did. He got a tray of food, and sat down in the corner of the lunchroom that was basically reserved for him. It was a 4-seater booth in the best part of the cafeteria, close enough to the window to get a good view of the beautiful landscaping outside, and at the perfect angle to get the occasional draft of air conditioning from the AC unit above.

When Explodey sat down, the usual crowd of goons surrounded him and fawned over how badass he was. "Did you see how he punched through solid air?" one girl squeaked. Some dude said, "He was going blow-for-blow with the son of the number 2 hero in Japan!"

They all marveled at him, but kept a respectful distance. The only person who dared to actually sit with him was someone who drooled over him more than all these useless nobodies combined.

"Explodey Boi!" shouted Spikey Red as he sat across from Explochan. "Can you believe we won?"

"For fuck's sake Red Fucker, go piss off someone else," retorted the Bomb Blonde.

"Rude." Red Boi pouted and took a bite of some rice from his bowl. With his mouth full, he asked, "But were you seriously gonna do the Calvary Battle without a team? I guess Sadist-sensei would allow it because that's pretty sexy, but even you would have a hard time winning on your own, right?"

"Eat my ass."

Red Head rolled his eyes. He scooped another mouthful of food into his mouth. "I seriously don't understand what the heck your deal is, man. But you're fun to hang around with. By the way, my name is Spikey Red Head Dude. Just in case you ever care to learn it."

Explochan scoffed, and continued to eat his food. But, as usual, Spikey Red's presence drew a couple of other boys from class 1-A to their table. Sugar Daddy and Duct Tape Dude called out, "Spikeeeey!"

"Yo!"

Duct Tape Dude sat next to Explochan and Sugar Daddy sat next to Red Head Boi. Sugar Daddy said, "Congrats on the win guys."

"We couldn't have done it without Explodey Boi," replied Red Head.

Duct Tape Dude teased, "Weren't you the one telling Green Boi not to kiss people's asses this morning?"

"I'm not kissing his ass. I'm just telling the truth."

"You sound just like Green Boi."

Sugar Daddy piped in, "Speaking of Green Boi, did you see how he won the Sexy 4K Obstacle Course? That dude is amazing!"

"Bruh, he's insane," agreed Duct Tape Guy. "He's been doing so well, and he hasn't even used his quirk yet."

"What is his quirk?"

Red Boi and Duct Tape Guy shrugged. They looked to Explochan. Explochan huffed, and ignored them. Rather, he looked across to the other side of the cafeteria, to the area where Green Bean and his nerdy friends usually sat. (This perfect spying position was another reason why he chose to mark this seat as his territory.)

Precious Bean was showing his fellow dorks something on his phone, and they were laughing like they had known each other for years. Angry Boi couldn't help but remember how in middle school, it was usually the two of them laughing over something dumb on Green Boi's phone. (Well, Green Boi would be laughing, while Angry Boi would call him a damn nerd.)

"I can't believe that stupid bitch ditched me for those two little cucks," he grumbled louder than he intended. And he immediately regretted saying it, because there was nothing Red Head loved to talk about more than the rumor he had spread to everyone in class. At this point, Explochan didn't know if this was a class-wide prank that Red Boi had elaborately concocted, or if all these losers seriously thought that he and Green Boi had been a couple.

"Dude, if you want him back so badly, fix your attitude," Red Head advised.

Sugar Daddy sighed. "I can't believe you let a guy like Green Boi slip away. If he was a girl, I'd be thinking of a gazillion ways to win her heart."

Duct Tape Dude asked, "Why'd you guys break up anyway?"

Explochan didn't know how to explain to these idiots that he and Green Boi were never in a romantic relationship, and he also felt like he shouldn't have to explain this to them, because it wasn't any of their business. "I'd only tell you in your wet dreams," he retorted.

"Don't be such a dick," replied Duct Tape Dude. That's when Zap Kid joined them at their table. He sat beside Duct Tape Dude, thus pushing Explochan against the wall of the booth. He asked, "Is Explochan being a dick again?"

"Yup," all of them replied.

"I'm not surprised," Zap Kid said as he started slurping up his bowl of noodles. "But congrats to everyone! We're all moving to the next round of the sports festival!"

"Not me," Sugar Daddy said.

"Aw shit, that sucks. My bad."

"It's cool. I should have joined a better team. I just hope I stood out enough to get scouted by agencies." He leaned back and groaned. "I should have joined Green Boi's team. They got the most attention. He might be a small guy, but he sure knows how to be flashy. I bet hero agencies will be lining up to give him an internship."

Zap Boi shook his head. "I was kind of dazed for the last bit of the Calvary Battle, but I'm pretty sure he hasn't shown his quirk, right?"

All of them shook their heads.

"There's no way he'll get an internship without showing off his quirk." Zappy turned to Explochan. "What's his quirk again?"

Actually, Angry Boi didn't quite understand what the hell Greenie's quirk was. All his life, he had known Green Boi to be a damn nerd Mutter-Muttering to himself. But now, all of a sudden, Precious Green was breaking his legs because he's moving too fast. Angry Boi honestly didn't understand how the heck that happened, and he didn't believe Green Boi's bullshit explanation that he gave the first day of school. So Angry Boi shouted, "I'm not his mother! I don't know what his damn quirk is!"

"You don't even know his quirk? No wonder he broke up with you."

Explochan almost palm blasted Zappy in the face. But Duct Tape Dude was in the way and Red Boi shouted, "Dude! Calm down!" To Zap Kid, he said, "Pikachu-kun, don't talk about the break up. It's still a touchy subject for him."

Angry Boi wanted to kick Red Head's ass too. "Shut the fuck up! There wasn't a break up!"

"He's still in denial," mumbled Sugar Daddy.

"How sad," added Tape Boi.

Spikey Red sighed, and tried to offer some advice. "Explodey, you need to fix your attitude soon, or else Green Boi is gonna move on and find someone else. Green Boi is in love with you, but he doesn't want to be your boyfriend because he knows that your relationship is toxic."

That statement made Explodey Boi's face turn red. He discovered Red Anger. "Who told you that bullshit?"

"Green Boi did."

"Wait, seriously?"

"Yeah."

No, of course Green Boi had NEVER said that to Red Boi. Green Boi had specifically told him the exact opposite on multiple occasions. But Red Boi seemed to only hear what he wanted to hear during those conversations. It wasn't malicious. Red Boi just seriously believed that that Explochan and Greenie were ex-boyfriends who were trying to work through a very bad breakup. And because Red Boi is so friendly, he couldn't help but tell the rest of his classmates.

Explochan was taken aback by Red Head's statement. He took a second to think about what the Rock Hard Gossip had just told him. "Red Boi, I swear, I'm gonna rage all over you if you're lying to me."

"Trust me, Explodey. He's just waiting to see if you'll change up your act. And if not, then there's a bunch of other guys in this school just waiting to swoop him up. You don't know how lucky you are to have an ex-boyfriend like Green Boi. He's super cute and really sweet. If I was a top, I'd be all over him."

Explochan scoffed, and turned up his nose. "What do you know about topping? I bet you've never even kissed a guy before."

Red Head blushed. "In middle school I kissed my ex-boyfriend after the graduation ceremony. He gave me the second button of his jacket and everything. The only reason we broke up is because I was going to UH and he was going to Typical Japanese High School."

"Did I ask for an autobiography? I don't fucking care about you or your gay boyfriend."

"Dude, I'm trying to help you out! And that's only because I hate to see you and Green Boi fight all the time. Just tell him that you like him and stop being a dick to him. Otherwise he'll move on. But it's gonna hurt him because he's really in love with you."

Explodey Boi shouted, "What the hell do you know about love, Red Dumb Fucker? I don't know if he sent you to come torture me, or if you're just trying to mess me up before the next round, but it's not happening!" He held up the palm of his right hand in front of Red Boi's face. "Got it?"

Red Boi swatted Explodey Boi's hand away. "Calm down."

"Dude you need to chill," suggested Pikachu Dude.

Elbow Guy added, "And you need to learn how to talk to people."

They continued to eat their lunches.

Angry Boi, however, had lost his appetite. He sizzled in Red Anger for the rest of the lunch period.


End file.
